Note 38

Drinking: Cinnamon tea with apple cider vinegar


I woke up to my alarm 40 minutes ago at 7am. This makes me happy as I was waking too early recently. Yesterday I had to re-configure my daily tech limits on my laptop. It always feels scary in the moment, like when I drive, as I need to be extra responsible. The decisions that I make there will impact me for some time.

The limits that I used are from 2 different angles. The first is a block at the start and end of the day. I say I can do anything on my laptop at all hours of the day, except for gaming and browsing. Those are the two greatest threats to my agency, thus I have focused on handling them. The browsers are blocked before 8am and after 9pm this is because I want to be in bed by 9:15pm. Earlier I had a different block for the browsers. I had only blocked them before 7am. I changed this recently to go in line with my gaming block. The gaming block also blocks before 8am. However it has no end. This is because of the second angle. Each activity has a maximum quota I can use per day. For gaming, I have a limit of 45 minutes and for the browsers, its 120 minutes. Due to the small time limit on the gaming, I have consistently used the time up before 5pm let alone 9pm. That said, there's no reason not to block it afterwards. All I'm doing is leaving my back door unlocked because nobody's robbed me yet.

There is yet a further aspect that I've played about with. As I have a further 30 minutes a day to play Shattered Pixel Dungeon on my phone, the total is 1:15 hours per day. This isn't really what I want, and on most work days, I have other things I want to do. Furthermore, I have often simply decided to "spend the money before it expires" and played the game as I will lose the time if I don't. It's dumb. I know. To combat this, I've blocked the games on Monday and Wednesday so I can only play it on my phone on those days. I've given myself an initial trial of a week to see how it goes. And if it sucks I can just turn it back on.

In the morning, I talked to P about the stress with S. I had planned to chat with S in the evening the day before but she bailed due to a surprise commitment with her friends. My friend gets the feeling that S was just whiling the quarantine away with me, but had little interest outside of that. And I'm afraid of exactly that. But it may well be. I have to be aware of the possibilities considering my gut feelings sometimes. I mentioned that we talked about a lot of intimate details. Which appeared as a red flag to her. She thinks that S has led me on. I don't want that to be true.

In the evening I talked with A about the same situation. Her take was more positive and balanced. She reminded me that not everyone has the same priorities and values as I do, as one of her own friends is notorious for leaving dozens of people on read for weeks at a time. She doesn't mean anything by it, it's just in her nature. She also noted that if this contrast is too great and too painful to bear, then I shouldn't further pursue a relationship with S. This is fair. Thought I'm not sure if it is a dealbreaker for me, or if it just fuels my anxieties. Other basic points she made include to make a list of turn ons and dealbreakers in general, based on what I'm feeling right now. This is because I will be most aware of them when I'm in the turbulence of a proto-relationship. Another point she made was that I must not send any texts in the heat of the hurt. Don't be aggressive or aggressively needy as that's the last thing that will help at this point. Just let this specific event go. And try to stop the same thing from happening in the future. The way to do the latter, she suggests, is by simply preempting any bailing by saying if you gotta bail, tell me. I'm still chewing over the advice from both of them, as its a lot to take on.

The main thing I don't want to do is be in a perfectly good boat and start thrashing around at imaginary attackers until my vessel is no longer seaworthy. I don't want my anxiety to cause me to self sabotage. Which is honestly what I feel like doing. It feels safer to me to burn bridges rather than risk being hurt. And furthermore, often when I'm most anxious the only compass that I trust is whatever hurt the most is true. So if something shakes me to my core and indicate a great and unbearable pain then I feel it's most likely to be true. This is why P's statements felt so true. Because they were my deepest fears being told back to me in no uncertain terms. Often I feel like its inevitable that S will lose interest in me. But I don't want to be passive in my life and give it away to my anxieties to take the wheel. I want to have agency and take the risk.

Because what risk is there really? If she's been a meanie and been leading me on for the feel good chemicals while she's been lonely then I've helped her and she's helped me. I was also lonely and it was really special to me the long phone calls that we spent together. Nothing can take that away from me or from her. We both benefited even if it was all built off of a greedy algorithm of what benefits her most in the short term. The only reason why it hurts so much for me is because I've built our future relationship up so much it's like pulling my arm off, if she were to say no. That's the only real pain. I've done it to myself by getting ahead of myself and only being satisfied by getting to the white picket fence. And telling myself nothing before that "counts".

Well that feels a lot better now. I honestly don't think much will happen with S after this Summer. She's a really pleasant person to be around, she's gorgeous and I thoroughly enjoy our conversations. But if she doesn't want me as her man, I can almost accept that. I can see light past her. I can see options again. I'm aware that as she was into me, then other women will be as well. Many will be better suited to my needs and wants. And I will be better suited to their needs and wants. For a long time whilst talking to her. I was very desperate to please her as much as I can. I know in my heart that was the wrong thing to do.

Here's a good quote that summarises my neediness with women in general, from the great film Ferris Bueller's day off. Ferriss is talking about his best friend Cameron, who I relate to heavily throughout the film.

"If things don't change for him, he's going to marry the first girl he lays. And she's going to treat him like shit because she will have given to him what he has built up in his mind as the end all be all of human existence. She won't respect him. Because you can't respect someone who kisses your ass. Just doesn't work." -Ferriss Bueller.

So there you have it, the equivalent of a therapy session worked out thanks to the patience and kindness of two dear friends of mine and the time I took to document it all here for you.

Hopefully I won't return to the cycle next time.

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