Note 40

Drinking: Fennel tea with apple cider vinegar

Hello.

It's 7.23 and today I woke much too early at 4:47. I was probably asleep at 23:40 at the earliest so the best I could have gotten was 5 hours sleep. I could feel it in my eyes not too long ago. They were still yearning for sleep but my mind and body wouldn't let them. As my internet was still blocked until 8am, I whiled the time away reading a novel.

The novel in question was a book by Laurie Page called Warrior's Woman. I'm embarrassed to say I read it as it's a romance novel. I picked it up from one of those free bookshelves around town that was outside the local church. The main reason why I picked it up was because I wanted a healthy alternative to porn. I figured that erotica has got to be a lot better for me and my brain in comparison to the mile a minute of plot, 20 starlets to a page, 3 minutes a video from hello to finishing standard porn site of today. It's what I ate throughout my adolescence. And for a while it sated me. But now I want a real woman. And in preparation I chose to let porn go. I'm still afraid of saying such statements with finality out of fear of regression.

The book was good. It was better than good. It touched my soul in a way that I never expected. It was about a young man of 28, half Native American and half European, upon his father's death he had learnt that half of the family ranch was now his. At 18, he went to the ranch seeking love and acceptance from his father. In its stead, he received a beating from his half brother and friends. No longer the boy, he now sought revenge against the family that spurned him. He wanted to show his steadfastness. That he won't be cowed and will take what is rightfully his. During reconnaissance, he learnt of a woman that was part of the family. Soon thereafter, she stumbled across his camp in the nearby woods. They broke bread together, both knowing who the other was.

After this, they were drawn to each other. Circling the other, the distance ever decreasing. Complications arose. The half brother howled with anguish; expressed it as rage at the outsider. Whilst the seasons changed and wrought change, the men and women sought new footing. Hurt people hurt people. Things came to a head. And settled. Fear washed away with the acceptance of love. Dawn came anew.

The book was a remarkably quick read. I read it within 4 or 5 days. The quickest I've read a book in years. It was shocking to me how much the characters spoke to me. One in particular was the main character. The fear and anger which defined him were easy to recognise within myself. I do wonder what I would have done in his stead. Likely very little would have remained and the book would have been a damn sight shorter. Nonetheless, I could see myself within their world. I gained a new respect for it. That of raising horses and ranch life in general. I can certainly see myself romanticising it unhealthily. One facet that drew me in was that I had already trod ground in the same places as the characters. They travelled to Reno for a trade show. It was surreal and intoxicating to see that dank and miserable city in a new light, full of life, hope and agency.

Today, I am to drive with my father back to London. The drive will be short, but it will be exhausting as I woke too early. I should have a nap, but I'm too wound up about future prospects. I'm excited for the break and it shall be well deserved. However I am afraid of taking too many projects upon myself. I should plan my time a bit to get a handle on it better. A large part of it should be dedicated to doing nothing. That will be hard, but important. My burn out serves nobody.

I'm here for a good and a long time.


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