Note 42

Drinking: Fennel tea with apple cider vinegar.


I woke up about an hour ago, at 5:40. Yesterday was a rather uneventful day until just before midnight. Then it got stressful and tense. In the morning I went with my Dad to take the van in for an MOT. Because we normally have to drive there and back, we went in two different cars. This was fun for me because, although he had a head start, about 3/4 of the way there I caught up with him and ended up leading the way to the destination. This was nice because it hasn't happened before and I'm chuffed that I remembered the route without any need of google maps. Whilst he was dealing with the van, I went to Hoo Hing, a local oriental restaurant wholesalers.

This was the first time that I went there with an actual shopping list for a specific recipe. Each other time I went, it was always just moseying my way around picking up random ingredients that sounded interesting or cool, with no overarching structure or understanding of how the ingredients would typically interact with one another. The recipe I bought ingredients for was a chow mein recipe. As I'd never made it and almost never eaten it, I figured it would be fun. It also helps that I'm well acquainted with the ingredients involved and enjoy using them in other recipes. This is important because it reduces the friction in trying a new thing. If the recipe involved durian I'd be a lot more scared.

Other things I bought included rice vinegar, soy sauce, nishiki rice, XO sauce, ramen noodles and a few other things that I can't remember for the time being. But one of the best things I got there were the big collections of cardboard boxes! I got a few half pallet cardboard boxes that will be rather useful in and around the house. In fact they were useful even before I left the store! As I had forgotten to bring any bags, I used some smaller boxes to pack my produce and glass bottles in. I find that it's shocking how many areas are improved in their organisation by reorganising it and using cardboard boxes in one way or another.

In the evening I talked to S. This was a long awaited convo as I had waited for at least a week since our last phone chat. Overall it was a really satisfying chat. I still stand by my assertion that I always enjoy myself in our chats. By the end of the it, I was drunk from tiredness and literally laying with my head on my pillow and my eyes shut. Answering her questions and making statements of my own. At some point here, I decided it would be a good idea to be candid about why I keep trying to dial the sexual tension up. I got bloody awful cramping in my stomach and full body tension from the physical apprehension of saying what I want to. And the more I put off saying it the more she blew up the idea in her own head. She thought it would be really uncomfortably creepy. And I was terrified that I'd mess everything we had built together if I say it.

After a lot of back and forth I eventually just committed and said what I wanted. I told her "It's just because you're hot and I'm constantly trying to avoid friend-zoning myself". There was silence. I was hoping for her to laugh while exhaling a sigh of relief. And that she knew that I was into her. But that didn't happen. I was surprised that she was surpriseed, considering how thick I laid it on at times. But regardless we talked. As she's only recently come out of a 7 year relationship, she's still in the process of untangling her life from his, this involves a lot of legal processes that she needs to go through, and put a lot of energy into. The corollary of this is that during this period, she will have little emotional energy left to put into me, which is something that I would strictly need to function if I were someone's partner.

I was pleasantly surprised at her candour regarding this, but I was still physically and emotionally torn at her decision. I cried after the phone call ended. Luckily that wasn't the book end to our relationship. We are still OK with talking and texting for the time being. And when lockdown is lifted enough I desperately want to see her physically. I explained without having that aspect to this "thing", none of it will feel real. She understood and was OK with hanging out in person. I think all in all it went well. I don't know what kind of time frame she has in her head until she'll be emotionally available enough for a relationship. A large part of me just wants to wait for her. But the healthier part knows that it would be better if I just go back to salsa, play the field a bit. Get some actual experience with women, and then come back to her when she's ready. I don't know if it's a good idea. There's also every chance that she meets another guy between those two points in our lives. I would be broken by that. Because as I mentioned before, in the 5 year plan, I had already envisioned what we would name our dog.

On the plus side I also went through the emotional journey of writing a positive future for myself that includes her breaking up with me. It was a lot easier than I expected. At the end of the day, and I explained this in yesterdays chat too, I really did enjoy myself in the two months I spent with her. I grew a lot as a person and I felt truly seen and appreciated throughout our phone calls. What the future holds for us I really don't know.

I can do what I can to steer the ship a certain way, but the weather does not negotiate.

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