Drinking: Licorice, ginger, echinacea and red berry tea
It's 7:35 now and I woke up 40 minutes ago. I first woke up at 5:10 or so as I needed to go toilet. Luckily I managed to fall back asleep, but it felt like it took a while. Today there is nothing on my to do list. In response I hastily added that I should pack a few items for Norfolk. I don't want today to be a zero day.
Yesterday was a rather nice all in all. I spent a while in bed on my laptop in the morning. In this time, I wrote my blog post, I played shattered pixel dungeon and later on played it some more on my laptop. I really want to ratchet down how much I play it. And I have started. You see, I've started blocking it on my laptop on Mondays and Wednesdays. This is good as it's only a small difference and I want to slowly tighten the net rather than go from 1-2 hours a day to very little. Furthermore I'm concerned that my decision to continue playing the game and continue browsing the subreddits will inspire me to want to resume development of the fork . And I had ceremoniously decided that I won't do any more . I know that it won't be good for me and on top of that, I know I have greater potential within writing.
In addition I made a major realisation; I recognised one of the great trends in how I think. When I allow myself to become enamoured with an online community I subconsciously accept their value system. For instance when I was on the lefty subreddits, the greatest thing you could do was Praxis. This was normally any sort of impressive visual act that required courage and or tenacity to do something that somehow advanced their interests. This could include removing anti-homeless measures local councils have installed, replacing traditional advertising with subvertising or even guerilla gardening. Action in which you take on risk to improve your community. These naturally rose as the measure of worth within those subreddits. And over a matter of weeks I accepted it.
Another example is when I browsed the bullet journal subreddit, the users who got the highest praise were those that created impeccable spreads of art within their own journals. So I wanted to emulate them. Or when I browsed the casualconversation subreddit, the users praised were those who were kind, gentle and could hold a conversation. So I wanted to be them too.
In the same way, I have been browsing the pixel dungeon subreddit for over a year now and prior to that I had been a frequent browser of the Pokemon insurgence subreddit for a year. When browsing both of these, I got envious of the adoration and prestige the top developers had garnered from their fans. I wanted what they had, and the only way I could get that was to create a fork of the project and actively develop it some way that I thought would be popular. And then I would become one of them. Part of the community,. A recognised face.
However, when I take a step back from these places their hold on my value system dissolves. I don't really care about making a game. I know that would suck up all my free time and keep me indoors for extended periods on weekends and I don't want any of that. I still care about improving my community but I don't want to like, get a record for doing some dome shit when I'm 20 something. I'm open to more conventional channels now. The long term slow commitment to building relationships, trust and people. Acting out and using helping others as a good excuse to be rebellious doesn't serve anyone.
Not all the values I've taken in in this way is purely damaging or inherently corrosive. The problem was the process. I need to be more aware and conscious to what I open myself up to and who I invite into my house. This realisation has bolstered my resolve on protecting my belief system. I have long understood how easily I can be manipulated, but evidently this has not stopped me from being drawn to cult-like communities and imbibing their beliefs. Many posts ago, I talked about the importance that a low information diet has had in my life. This was for the general purpose of reducing the low level background radiation of anxiety inducing information. Things like news, youtube drama, and advertising. Overall this new piece of the puzzle has caused me to learn that I need to extend this. That I should be cautious about further areas and not go willingly into these communities with such abandon.
Because to do so is at the expense of myself.
I hope I learn .