Note 45

Drinking: nothing

Listening to: Bachata radio station


It's 17:49 and it's the first chance I've had today to sit down and work on this. Not to say that I had no choice in what I did earlier, but I recognised the urgency of some items at the time and prioritised accordingly. I'll tell you more about it tomorrow.

Yesterday was a pretty nice day. To be honest I can't remember much of what I did off the top of my head. You know I'll go get my daily to do list and have a look to remind myself. Ah yes. I had an insanely long walk in the morning. I wonder why that memory was repressed.

After I woke for some reason I decided to go onto the laptop and start working. It was 7am and I don't remember much about what I was doing. It seems I had started typing up my blog post for the day. I had gotten to the first half hour point, when P replied to my message earlier. She was interested in a chat. So happy to oblige I called her up. It was around 7:50 when we started chatting. As tends to happen before my brain properly turns on I decided to act impulsively. This can often turn out badly. Yesterday was different.

I had been meaning to chat while walking more often. I had had a few whilst I was in Norfolk and enjoyed them thoroughly. They gave a steady stream of things upon which I can talk about in a natural and elegant manner. This is something I can't do when I've run out of things to talk about whilst I'm sitting in my bedroom. I can just imagine it now, "Uhh looks like I hadn't put my washing in for a while yet! that's pretty funny in a gross way ey?" Probably not a good look. The walk was really satisfying and it just worked. It felt natural to do so. I took a walk around a local park of mine and then further out of the park to the next borough over and finally walked all of the way back. I had wanted to take a bus. And I even got so far as to get on the bus. However it was too loud to hear my friend on the phone. It sounded like it was falling apart. And so after a few stops I decided to get off. It was Frustrating as I was really tired and I just wanted to sit down for a while and talk some more. But that wasn't an option. On the plus side I didn't lose any time from my extended unexpected walk. You see, that bus takes the most convoluted route to get to my house. What should normally be a 7 minute drive door to door become a 37 minute one. It's just abysmal.

Once I got home naturally I was absolutely shattered. I was well in need of a brunch and a rest. It's so bloody nice to eat food after that much walking. Most people don't think that walking can be a workout, but they don't walk enough to know that walking can be bloody painful. I walked for the best of 3 hours. I don't do that. I'm not a walker. I still can't believe it.

For the rest of the day I had a relatively relaxed day; in the afternoon my relative from America called me up to touch base with me and see how things are going. I really enjoyed chatting with him and seeing how my niece is doing. She's still a toddler so she can't say much but it's satisfying to watch her express herself. It's weird to think that in a few years she'll be going to school. I had a chat with S about how I feel about being an uncle. She reminded me that by the time I'm 30 she'll be like 6 years old and in grade school. It's low key mind blowing.

I also had a chat with my other niece. Her and her dad are working on upgrading the clubhouse in the garden. They plan to use it for when her cousins come round to visit her so they have their own kind of private space away from the grownups. I wish I had that, that would have been such a cool place for me to have had as a kid. It reminds me of what my female cousins had when they were her age. They had their own den up away in the attic of my grandmas place. I was never privy to what they talked about as they are all at least 8 years older than me. But I like the poetry of it. I can imagine both groups of girls will have similar conversations: chatting shit , bitching about their friends from school, talking about their dreams and fears. Cool shit. Foundations of friendships. And it is cool to see them use the lock down time on an activity that will be treasured memories in years to come. In a few years they're going to look back and she'll be like "Man, I'm so happy we did that, I had such a nice time with you Dad." And I'm envious of her because although me and my dad do that professionally, we never made anything like that. But I am aware of how much he has sacrificed for me over the years so I can't be that mad. Maybe I'll make one for my kids@.

In the evening we went to Tesco. And part of the process of going to Tesco's is a lot of walking. It's a big-ass store, and everything is far apart from each other because that's the way supermarkets have been designed for the past 10+ years. Milk and cereal are at the opposite ends. I spent an hour and 20 minutes walking. Normally this wouldn't even register to my body as anything worth noting. However, because of my hardcore walk that morning, I did notice it. And I was certainly flagging come home time. In addition we forgot our bags again. This is frustrating and it was pissing me off. Because of that we had the most inefficient process of moving the groceries.

We had to move it:
First into the trolley.
Then onto the conveyor belt.
Then back into the trolley.
Then into the car.
Then out of the car into bags.
And finally out of the bags into their homes within our house.

In the future @ I would like to use shallow boxes which would fit onto the conveyor belt and in the trolley. This way the cashier can just scan each item into the box and then I can just move the whole box back into the trolley then move the whole box into the care and then into the house. We could even organise the boxes according to their homes within the house. One box for freezer items. Cupboard items? Bang! One box. Fridge? One box. ugh. It will be so good. Hopefully that will help reduce the friction of shopping in the future. I'll let you know if it even works.

After Tesco I took it upon myself to prepare bulgur for dinner. This wasn't difficult but I still put an insane amount of pressure on myself to appease my dad. I still have a lot to work through. It's frustrating. And I really don't know when I'll get over that need. Because I know that it's not healthy. And it won't even make him happy. Ugh. I first learnt about this bad habit as part of the group of toxic mechanisms that make the profile of an average client of a man called Robert Glover. He was a therapist who had such a great litany of similar cases that he was compelled to write a book in order to help what he imagined would be many more individuals from around the world that suffered in the same way. The book that he wrote was called No More Mr Nice Guy. I first read this about 6 years ago whilst I was still at uni. Since then, I've had to come back to it time and time again to remind myself of the core aspects of my behaviour that sabotage my future. It's a slow journey and I understand that. It's inherently slow. But it's still painful when I feel myself slip back. The term for one of the behaviours I do is a covert contract. This is when person A wants something from person B. A will make a secret contract with B in his head. But B will have no awareness of this and continue living life normally. The contract A holds details what he will do for her and what he expects in return.

An example of this would be classic nice guy behaviour. He wants to get laid so he sets up a system in his head where he says OK if I wash your car, do your taxes and be an emotional rock for you to lean on during hard times, then maybe we'll go out and you'll be my girlfriend and I'll get laid. I have done this so many times and now that I think about it, I've probably been doing it again with S. And it's pissing me off. But naturally when you look at someone else doing that, you'd think to yourself, "That guy is insane. How can he possibly expect something from someone if he never asks for it?" But as is the way we never see our mistakes until later on. Most of the time you will not be aware of this process when you're doing it. You don't think "Ah! I shall keep this secret and by doing so this will somehow benefit me in the future!" No man thinks that. It's all subconscious. And that's where the danger lies. If he was conscious of it, he could see it for the absurdity it is and quash it there and then. But instead it leads his every day behaviour without his awareness.

Similar to escalator wit, I hope by repeatedly coming back to the same book and reading it on a regular basis and taking notes and talking about it with my dad and friends and anyone else who will listen, maybe I will reduce the time between doing this behaviour and recognising it. And one day I hope to close that gap so tightly that I will recognise it before I do it.

And then I can be free.

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