Note 46

Time: 3.5 minute read

Drinking: Dalgetty Lemon and Ginger tea

Listening to: Bachata Radio station

Notable tracks: Prince Royce- Stand by Me


I woke to my alarm at 7am today. I had stirred earlier and checked the time, but it was 6:30. So back to bed for me.

Yesterday I decided to listen to Bachata music. I first put it on in the morning when I was cooking my breakfast. I had bought a new cookbook the day before that focused on how best to utilise the freezer. From that cookbook I had decided to make some yoghurt flatbreads. I often listen to music whilst I cook, but it's hard to find something for me to listen to. Normally I want something that I've heard before, as novelty would be distracting and I need to focus on a new recipe. If the lyrics are in English or German then that would also be distracting. I'm distracted by a lot. A nice solution to this for me was Salsa or Bachata music.This is because I'm very intimately aware of them as I have listened to them regularly whilst attending dance classes and doing solo practice at home. However I don't know what they're saying. Because I don't speak Spanish. I wasn't sure which one to pick at first and chose Bachata arbitrarily without any conscious reasoning of why I did, though I'm sure there's some valid reason inside my head somewhere. And this worked out really well. It gave the whole cooking session a nice vibe to it as me and my Mum cooked them together. And it kept things flowing. Like because of the rhythm I felt like constantly moving with it. After the success of cooking, I tried out how it would sound as background music for when I'm writing my blog posts. This is for the same reasons, in terms of distractions. It worked again however there was something that caught me. I should have expected this. It's quite often that I'll be typing along and a specific lick or groove comes along and I can't stop myself from closing my eyes and moving to it. In addition having the rhythm to it makes me want to type at that speed and the mechanical process of typing goes well with the music and I express the rhythm through my fingers so it's like my fingers are dancing. Yeah.

After breakfast I wrote a card for my brother who passed away more than 10 years ago. He was my best friend so it's still painful to think about what type of person he would have become. Also, who would I have become if his presence hadn't left my life so early? I often try to poison the well of any overly rose-tinted assumptions about alternate paths in my life. Like I often think about if I had continued studying German in high school where I would be now. However in this situation, it's simple. His presence wouldn't have been a default good throughout my life. We still clashed when he was alive and we didn't always see eye to eye. I can see how it may have panned out: Siblings argue, rifts happen, harsh words or fists are exchanged. But I assert that it's not up to me to balance the pros and cons of his continued life. We would have managed one way or the other. And I've missed him terribly over the years. Most of the time I forget about him, but now and then something happens like his birthday or deathday rolls around or Christmas happens and the hurt's brought to the fore. I know death is a part of life, and we're all just temporary guests of our bodies, but it sucks that his stay was so short.

I wrote the card to him the same way that I write to my friends or loved ones. Present tense, with the frame that he's listening and existing somehow. It was cathartic to do so. Normally we write about how much we miss him and wish he were still with us. And that just doesn't sit well for me. I want to maintain my connection with him. I often think about how much I've held in my head that I'm living for both of us and that I shouldn't fuck up the chances I have because there's more riding on this than just my whims and my desires. Maybe that's where my overactive sense of responsibility comes from. Who knows. All I know is it felt good to write to him that way.

It also felt good to do the driving to and from the graveyard. On the way back I listened to Teesy's first album Wünschdirwas and on the way there I listened to Jon Bellion's latest album Glory Sound Prep. Both were satisfying to listen to but it is difficult to balance the listening to the music and how much I focus on the driving. I suppose it's a balance but it is concerning. Once I got home I had a rest and looked to finally do some typing. I can't remember what I did instead, but it wasn't typing. I remember this because I only started doing it around 6pm and was still working on the edit after dinner at 7:30.

The app blocker on my phone was pissing me off . I normally have a simple set of rules for when I can play shattered pixel dungeon. 45 minutes a day on the weekend. But yesterday was more like 2 hours. This is why I was pissed off. Because I don't have a notification that shows me the time left on the app tracker, I normally open up the game and play until it shuts it down. I'm going to have to change this because it's happened too often and it leaves me pissed each time. It basically didn't register that I had started using the app and it let me use it for as long as I wanted. The problem is I didn't know that this had happened until I had already used 1 hour and 15 minutes of it. This is an estimate as aside from that app, I don't have any others that track time spent alone. In addition when I got back from the graveyard I played the standard 45 minutes of it once the blocker was working again. So there's the 2 hours. It's annoying not being consistent with the promises I make to myself because of a kung fu youtube channel I watched a couple weeks ago. He asserts that the more promises to yourself that you break the weaker you make yourself as you are giving away your power.

Oh wow, a pigeon just flew into my window and flew off again. It didn't break it, just a dumbass thud. It probably confused and scared the hell out of that pigeon.

In some positive news, I finally found the password to my aforementioned app tracker. This means I can finally update my daily quotas after a month of using it at the current system.

This is what I had before:

  • 2 hours 30 per day for YouTube
  • 2 hours 30 per day for reddit and browsing
  • of that 30 minutes per day for the reddit app maximum
  • 30 minutes per day (weekdays) and 45 minutes (weekends) for shattered pixel dungeon

I've changed the YouTube and SPD times to a per week maximum. It's because I don't use the YouTube app much as I normally just download the videos and listen to them on VLC when I have time and no data. Considering that I want to play Shattered in longer blocks and on less days I'm hopeful that it will improve things. Currently I have it set to 3 hours per week. Of course this means that I could spend it all on one day. Maybe if I set it to a maximum of an hour and half per day, then I can have 2 benders per week or spread it out over the 5 days available. I'll have to set this up today though, as my password won't be coming with me to Norfolk.

Oh yeah, I will be going to Norfolk again tomorrow. I'm a bit apprehensive as I've gotten rather comfortable with my time off whilst I was here. That said I recognise in reality I didn't spend a lot of my time relaxing and I should really be working more on that. Soon. Not in the future. Soon. In addition, I felt apprehensive about coming back to Ilford at the end of my last stint in Norfolk. So I think it's just a matter of my current grass is greener.

And so another week comes to a close. As weeks go, I've had many worse and few better. I've had time for myself and I've served others. I've been spontaneous and conservative. And through it all, I've written. Each time I've done so I've learnt a bit more about myself. In addition to that the process of writing has taught me better how to structure my writing sessions. For example I've recorded and listened back to myself reading out my posts over the last few days and that's helped tremendously.

Thanks Walter Mosley.

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