Note 48


Drinking: Licorice, ginger, echinacea and red berry tea

Listening to: RMF Cuba (Krakow based Salsa radio station)

Notable songs: Angel Bonne- Havana City; Sting- Fragilidad


It's 7:04, and I woke to the scurrying of the mice in the ceiling above me and to my dad pottering about at 6:20. I'm terribly hungry. In the mean time I've read for 25 minutes in a new book. First published in 2003, Debra Ollivier's "Entre Nous" surprises me constantly. I shall tell you more later.

Beforehand I would like to expand upon something I raised yesterday. The video from Innunedo studios was a short video. Less than 10 minutes. But it caused cogs to turn. And they continued to turn for most of the day. I drew parallels from what I learnt from the series 8 years ago and what I now aspire to be within my relationships. These thoughts trouble me. For the uninitiated Dr Horrible's Sing Along Blog is a short web series about a misunderstood scientist aspiring to be a super villain. His arch nemseis meanwhile is the burly, brash and confident Captain Hammer. Although I wasn't aware of it at the time, this is using the nerd and jock dichotomy that existed in most 90's high school films. When I first watched this when I was 15, I completely empathised with Billy (Dr Horrible), especially in his romantic plight to get with the woman, Penny. The entire show goes through Billy's eyes, thus we see him how he see's himself. It gives him a very sympathetic angle, which in retrospect was not healthy for me to watch at the time.

One of the main problems with Billy's motivations is that he has fully subscribed to incel logic. He believes that men are divided into 2 categories: Chads and incels. And the chads are the alphas who get laid all the time while the incels naturally do not. This is the same false dichotomy of the jocks and nerds. He believes that there are the bullies and the bullied. So to stop the subjugation from Captain Hammer, he believes he has to subjugate him instead. He doesn't want to do away with the power dynamics and think of new and healthier roles, relationships and dynamics, but instead simply wants the power that Hammer has. To put it simply he ascribes to the Rule of 2. This is the rule of the Sith in the Star Wars universe. He sees the power that he has coveted for so long, but he believes to free himself from suffering, he must take that power from the other.

To anyone in a healthy place that isn't clinically online, this can be seen for the intellectually lazy life lens it is. After seeing Billy's life lens being shattered, I had a problem. For starters when I recommended the show to S a few weeks ago, I had a sinking feeling. After recommending it I wanted to feel nostlgia by watching some of the videos I so fondly remembered. All this did was make me feel bad because of the gross mindset of Billy through his songs. This proverbial knife was then twisted by watching Innuendo Studios' video on the matter as he expanded upon my off feeling by systematically explaining why I feel so. This was healthy but bloody uncomfortable.

Naturally this threw me. I looked up to this wacko when I was a kid. I thought he was "just" like me. The main problem was the rule of 2 or the false dichotomy problem. That for Billy to become a desirable male within the eyes of Penny he believed he had to become what Hammer was. For a long time I subscribed to this perspective. I believed that there exist 2 types of men: normal people and virgins. It wasn't quite as harsh and codified as the incels see life, but it nonetheless held the notion that having sex was a coming of age process and those who delay this too long never become men.

I still subconsciously drive my life in that specific direction. Most of the work I do in social skills is toward this. To become the "man about town": the one who, in his local bar, knows everyone. Or the one who see's no problem asking strangers for directions to a nearby landmark. Or the one who see's no problem in hitting on a woman in a bar and engaging in reciprocal flirting. Actually now that I think about it, my desires in life are a lot more measured and normal than those of the incel community. My greatest desire is to be normal. To have a normal family and friends and simply be there for each other in our times of need. I don't know what their desires are but it seems to want to bypass being normal and jump straight from outsider to social elite. I can't knock them wholeheartedly in this desire as I catch myself wanting the same rather often.

Like TLC said

"Don't go chasing waterfalls, stick to the rivers and the streams you're used to"

I'm content with my friends and family but often I fall into the rut of wanting "better". Of seeing the hottest girl at salsa, or the coolest guy and wanting to know them. I enjoy the quote above and find it to be a soothing mantra. Rather than read it as a depressing desire to stagnate in life, I read it as desiring those who desire you and being content within your life.

To return to my day, the drive to Norfolk went really well. I listened to a chill mix of indie music I found on youtube. This included a new favourite of an old Jon Bellion song, Dead Man Walking. It's a very funny song, but I won't spoil it. After arriving we unloaded the van and put things away. Dad prepared lunch and I made my bed. Lunch was a nice simple affair of assorted breads and various spreads that we had in the fridge.

After eating I retired to my freshly made bed and had a rest for half an hour. After this I decided to play Shattered Pixel Dungeon. Normally I play for half an hour. On a good day I get to play it for 45 minutes. This day, I got to play it for 90 minutes. This was my new system that I'm test driving. I'll tell you more about it later.

In the evening S told me that her postcard from me arrived today and she likes it. I replied, suggesting we have a chat. This was after 3 days of no words exchanged and she seemed in good spirits about this lack of communication. However she has not replied to my suggestion. So I suppose I'll have to wait and see. I'll likely prod her if the wait is getting ridiculous. For now I better get on with my day.

So I'll see you later.

You'll only receive email when 10111 publishes a new post

More from 10111