Note 70

Drinking: Lemon and ginger tea

Listening to: Fabian Römer, L_BENSLAUF

Notable songs: Münztelefon (1/3), Anders Schön, Infinity Pool, Mit dir langweilen (feat. Namika), Bevor ich dich kannte


It's 8:18 and I first woke to my alarm at 7 and slept until 7:40. I then read further in Peter Seller's book. It's been rather difficult not to read it.

Yesterday was a better day.

The day before there was fallout amongst my friends. I was in part guilty and did my best to express an apology to the friend who suffered. He rung me in the morning and explained what happened to him. As we have certain parallels in our lives currently, I deeply emphasised with him and could understand the anger he held. I said what I thought would help him at the time. And I reflected on the similarities in our situations. It went well, I think.

After this conversation I returned to the work desk to begin my writing for the day. A few days prior, my mum and I went round the living room and tidied it up significantly. This improvement is still tangible and has benefited me significantly. This is because I turned what was a dumping ground for detritus and flotsam into a fully functional writing desk and charging station. As I looked to write that morning, there was a problem with the writing software that made the process utterly frustrating: the text wouldn't autowrap to the next line and would simply continue along the line. I couldn't handle this so I restarted the computer in an attempt to solve it. This didn't work. Although in the meantime I made use of my time by transcribing some of the most important notes from scraps of loose notepaper to a notepad for posterity.

I then went off to my room to ostensibly pack my bags. However this didn't happen for a few hours yet. Instead I read more in the Peter Seller''s book. It's like watching a car crash. One that feels oddly familiar. After doing this for a while lunch happened and we reheated the leftovers from yesterday in the oven. The potatoes survived unharmed, however the chicken turned into a dry stringy ghost of its former self. I'll learn from this.

I then went to actually pack my bags. As many of the items I needed to pack were never unpacked a week prior, this was an easy process. It took a bit of poking to remember what I was missing last time I was in Norfolk and adjust accordingly. It felt good that I actually remembered, although I was kicking myself that I hadn't written it down.

After this I felt rather anxious, so I did what worked last time and meditated for a few 5 minute blocks. My mum asked me if I knew how to which I interpreted as an insult, but checked myself after expressing this to her. I know that I look for insults to my intelligence so it's often little to do with other people's statements, but rather what I want to hear. I meditated for 5 minutes twice. Each time specific useful thoughts bubbled up, which I made a note of before I forgot them again. This was satisfying.

Around 4pm, after my mum left I had a nap. I recognised that my body would be ready to sleep because I was nodding off during the meditation process. It was a very good nap.

Upon my dad's return we had a long chat with my sister about my mum. Afterwards, we looked to prepare dinner as it was coming up to 6pm.
With dad's reassurance, we cooked a simple dinner of leftover chicken, ageing broccoli, frozen leftover pasta and onions and garlic.

After dinner I did more of the meditation. I was still anxious so I figured it would be a good idea. It seemed to be so. I remembered a few things that I had experienced only a few hours ago, but had already left my conscious mind. I also thought of topics that I want to research further like what meditation is like for people with ADHD.

Following the meditation process I looked to read up on the topic. It was satisfying to do so. I read a single article on it that gave me great reassurance on the matter, that it was beneficial and highly recommended. With this in my back pocket, I went ahead and wrote down some specific techniques for doing so.

Later on I touched base with the friend who suffered. He seemed to have found solace in his situation and sought advice from others in his life. Because the conflict within our friend group was a canary in the coal mine it served a purpose. Whether it was good what happened I can't say.

Right before bed I finally bit a bullet that had been bugging me since a few days. I had recently bought a mouthwash on recommendation of my dentist. It was a new and powerful one that's popular in America. However I've never used mouthwash before so the prospect of using this one was pretty terrifying. My mum's advice still rings in my head about a hard-line cynicism toward most professional medical products, but I chose to act differently and try it out. It was OK. It wasn't as nauseating as some of the standard mouthwashes. In fact it hardly had any smell at all. I'm happy I did it.

See you tomorrow.

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