Note 75

Drinking: Lemon and Ginger tea

Listening to: Was ich zum Schreiben Höre, Julia Engelmann

Notable songs: Julia Engelmann- Stille Poeten; Populous- Batismo (feat. Riva); Rene Aubrey - Salento

Notable lines: N/A


More hair is falling out.

I had a nightmare last night. there was a woman a few years younger than me. She was hugging everyone in this charity shop after we all clapped for the salesman because his great supporter who worked across the road finally got to meet him. One of the guys was a normal looking guy with darker skin and short cropped thick black hair. Maybe he was Puerto Rican. Anyway she hugged him and he called her a cocktease. I had said thank you when she hugged me. She was into it when he answered and she replied if you knew my sister you wouldn't call me that; she's much worse. They then proceeded to play some kind of game with the counters in front of them as they sat next to each other. At one point it was her turn so she made a point to bend over in front of him. He was rather excited by this and decided to peek under her skirt. She swatted his hand away playfully. I would really want to be able to interact with women like he did. It could all be fiction because it existed only in my head, but it felt natural the way it happened.

Yesterday was an OK day. I was in a funk for a fair bit of the day. I've lost a lot of structure around me. I desperately wanted to talk to someone but I didn't want to go through the messy process of figuring out over the phone what the hell is wrong with me whilst they have to endure it. I prefer to be fully put together when socialing with others.

Breakfast was nice. I didn't really feel full afterwards though. I had stir fry with noodles and a 2 egg omelette with a slice of bread with baba ghanoush and some new cheese.

As I had set a goal for myself to work on taking notes of Atomic Habits for half an hour, I focused on that as soon as breakfast was over. I did this twice, 2 blocks of 25 minutes. @I still don't know what to do with the break times as I just went on my phone. It was good to write on it, but the process was taxing as I naturally started applying his way of thinking to my own life. One of the ideas is how each action you take is a vote to the identity that defines your self image. This led to me hyper analysing the last 5 months of my life. It also caused me to overthink each current decision as I took them.

Following this, we had lunch. I copied dad mostly for what I ate. It was a cheese, baba ghanoush, coleslaw sandwich on wholemeal. I had another slice but I don't remember what it was.

After lunch I had a rest.

Later on I tried to do some standalone research on the laptop. I sought to learn how to block websites on my phone. This was because of a recent fear that I will seek out porn again. I wanted to protect myself from myself. I found some actionable advice with exactly the type of app I wanted. Open source from f-droid. I downloaded it and it seems to work. That said, I daren't test it if it blocks the websites I'm trying to avoid.

I read another 50 pages in Niven's book Bring on the Empty Horses. Although it was light and a nice distraction, it was still tragic. The latest chapter on Missies nervous breakdown and hysteria was an absolute bastard to read. I was taken back to my mum's manic episodes in a difficult way.

In the whole day I got little unprompted contact from the outside world. Now that the contact between me and A has been temporarily truncated in a similar between me and S, I'm feeling pretty rough. I'm trying not to wallow in self-pity. I want to keep going. I sent out 3 messages to friends and got 3 messages back. All of them were kind. The last message back was from a friend who tried to ring me. He was also affected by the rift around A. I had my phone on do not disturb so I missed the call. This was annoying for me. I suppose I'll call him back today.

I'm feeling depressed. I got off to a passage in a book that makes me feel guilty. It takes me mentally back to January when I was still watching porn and it doesn't feel good. Nothing feels worth doing. The whole day was difficult to get through. I was going stir crazy at home with no-one around. I went for a short walk which felt good. I also did a 10 minute block of meditation which was real nice. I'm still trying to figure out when to do it in the day. I researched a bit on how not to fall asleep when meditating. There were some good tips. One woman even recommended coffee prior to meditating to keep yourself alert. Which is something I'm unlikely to do.

I saw a satirical headline which deeply impacted me and made a few things clear. It read

"Man not sure why he thought most psychologically taxing situation of hiss life would be the thing to make him productive"

And that felt really true to me. From the get go with this lockdown, I had it stuck in my head that this is the perfect opportunity to finally get all those big goals done. In the last 3 months I wanted to

Start working out
Regularly go walking
Call up old and forgotten acquaintances and keep in contact with them
Start poetry
Read more books
Learn how to do pixel art
Write regularly
Make a fork of Shattered Pixel Dungeon
Go cycling more often
Have a regular chat with my mates

Out of these, I've maintained: writing, reading, calling up old friends and having a regular chat with mates. Now that I'm anxious I'm conflicted on calling less close people as I don't want to dump on them. I'm especially conflicted about contacting S again. As I want her to help me, but I don't know if it's healthy. But as I said before, it doesn't help that you've saved 20k if you kill yourself by 30.

I just remembered I forgot to take the beef mince out of the freezer to defrost overnight. I'll find out soon if dad did in my stead.

Bis morgen.

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