Note 76

Drinking: Lemon and Ginger tea

Listening to: SoundCloud weekly

Notable songs: "Studio Ghibli" Medley (Cello and Classical Guitar) - Nicholas Yee & Shawn Gan; Last Carnivval Norihiro Tsuru; Improvisation #2, Milana Zilnik

Notable lines: N/A


I just woke up 30 minutes ago but it feels like 5. It's 8:16 now. As it's a Tuesday I can play up to 1.5 hours of shattered pixel dungeon. It unlocked at 8am, but I still haven't figured a time in the day to play it. This annoys me as if I don't use the time, I feel like I've wasted it. @

Yesterday was a difficult day, with many high points and a few lows.

As I woke up I once again felt my head sore from itching and as I ran my hands through my hair, there were loose hairs in group of 7 or more at once. @I think getting something to track my sleep quality would be good. I've been really tired the last week or so, but without any record of it, it just blends into the past and I've no idea what causes good or bad sleep for me.

For work we were to fit an aerial. I had never done one before so I really didn't know what to expect. When I look at them on roofs it doesn't look particularly impressive or cumbersome to install. But it is. Especially when you get up close and personal. They're a lot bigger than they look from from the ground. The one we fitted was a 10ft pole. It was incredibly stressful to be up there and maintain both my personal safety and not drop anything important. About 1 and a half feet to my left was the edge of the roof so I had to focus on keeping steady footing a lot of the time. We also didn't have anywhere easy to leave tools@, so that added another layer to the stress. A toolbelt would be good for roof work. Or at the very least a box that sits well on a roof, to hold screws and other detritus.

I still find it difficult to express negative emotions in the present. I'm OK with saying I was depressed in the morning today. But it's harder to say I feel depressed right now.

After dinner, I was sitting and reading in the book A Keeper of Sheep. I should have been having a shower, but I really just wanted to read and go sleep. I didn't want to feel anything. I hadn't had a shower at all over the weekend. I normally aim to have one every few days. But it often drags over to the third day. What normally forces my hand is that my scalp is doing worse, becoming progressively itchier and more hair comes out. So I have a shower with shampoo and conditioner and my scalp feels great again. Sometimes, if it's straight after waking up there's still open wounds so it's painful. I still have no solution for it and as I cannot walk away from it either, it can be truly deeply depressing.

In the evening I texted S. This was after no contact for 2 weeks. In between I had been stressing and suffering a lot. Part of me didn't want to text her for longer, but most of me just wanted to talk to her. I've found that it feels good to talk to her when I'm really stressed about something. It took a lot of umming and ahing to admit in the opening salvo that I'm not feeling too good. She offered to call straight away. It was good to talk to her. I'm not sure when I want to talk to her next. I hope it's not just when I'm terribly wound up about something because it feels dysfunctional to wait till I'm broken for her to put me back together. One thing that she said that stuck with me was that everyone becomes a different person every 12 years. I looked it up and found this article from NPR. It was quite reassuring to be honest. I often get stuck in depressed thought loops that tell me that things are only going to get slowly worse. But when I look at what I was like at 15 and compare that with present day me, aside from my teeth, hair and guts, I would say I've excelled in every metric possible. This isn't to say I'm going to keep on excelling, but it's reassuring to think of how my life has changed and how many of my opinions on the world has changed. The crack in the wall of depression for me is the following.:

If things change, then with chaos comes opportunity. There are so many ways that my life path can improve. Little things can raise my tide. She told me I have time to change small things. And I agree.

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