Listening to: Fynn Kliemann- Pop, Sonreal- One Long Dream
Notable songs: Alles was ich hab- Fynn Kliemann
Month end review
It's May 31st. As it's the end of the month I'd like to do another month end review. I'm still figuring out what I want to do with these and how to work out what works best for me.
Good decisions- 3
Answered the question's the Xbox gave me.
It was a frustrating process of figuring myself out and unpacking my motivations. Over the course of a weekend I had settled turbulent thoughts that had plagued me for more than a week. I quelled my desire to purchase an xbox.
Talking to my neighbour
Another longstanding source of anxiety for me, my dad has been losing sleep and always talking about the stress he has found in opposing a neighbours decision to redevelop their house. Paranoia within me whispered about the ways in which the neighbour could lash back at us. Scenes from the myriad of spy shows shone through my minds' eye. This deeply unsettled me because I had already become attached to the guy and thought him decent. One day I bumped into him after work and sought to mend the bridge between our houses. I firmly believe that communication heals most wounds. Sometimes one must communicate physically, however first one must talk and connect. We did, and good came of it.
Read more books.
I have always thought of myself as a reader. Even during the long dry spells of rotting my brain on the internet, I believed that I shall return to my books. They are a safe space for me; A library, a castle. However over time, these dry spells increased and my focus grew dimmer as internet companies such as reddit, imgur and youtube took greater hold of my mind and thus my time. In response I set up blocks on my laptop and phone, limiting my access to those materials. This made it easier to fall into the habit of reading more as they shone greater now. In the past month I have read the following books: Meditation: theory and practice (64 pages); Warrior woman, Laurie Paige (260 pages); The Running Man, Stephen King (317 pages); Entre Nous, Debra Ollivier (242 pages).
Bad decisions- 3
Over the past month and a half I pretty much stopped using my floss. I know this is a bad decision as it's a foundational part of keeping teeth clean, especially cramped teeth as I have. I don't know why I stopped. I just did.
To continue this theme, there are two more aspects that I'm concerned about. My dentist has insisted that I shouldn't rinse my mouth with water after cleaning my teeth; I should just spit. However no-one in my family has ever done that. It also seems unsafe to swallow a fair bit of toothpaste when you next drink something. Especially considering all the fears my mum has given me about fluoride. So I stopped doing that and just resumed my normal process of cleaning my teeth.
And finally I've been drinking a lot of apple cider vinegar in my teas recently. I enjoy the flavour and I like the idea that it's good for me. It falls in line with the idea of small doses of dangerous things being good for me. This all said, I'm still concerned about it's impact on my enamel. My mum (again) has railed against it in one of her few times that she stands with the dental community. I haven't mentioned it to my dentist yet as he would likely bollock me.
Unexpected events- 3
On the last day of the month this happened. I had a conversation with S that I had been afraid of. I had come to terms with not speaking to her anymore. I felt that that would be the safest for me. I didn't want to break it off. But it felt like the correct decision. The day before this conversation, I had scheduled another chat with my cousin to prepare myself for it and seek counsel from her. She had gone out and forgotten her phone at home for a spontaneous trip with her boyfriend. They only came back to the house shortly before they had guests. We had our prep convo the next day at 7:30am, a few hours before the chat with S was planned. She reminded me of a few foundational things that I would like to clarify that could open up new options between 0 and 1.
With these new options in my head I waited for the appointment with S. It came, I rung and no answer. I texted half an later to prod her. After being cooped up until 12, I decided to go on a walk. I didn't want to have my phone with me in case she rings back. Seeing as she hadn't seen the whatsapp message and didn't answer her phone and had no indication of disinterest in the conversation I took it that her phone was left at home. She only texted me back at 5pm. I was surprised that I wasn't upset at the gap. There wasn't the usual petulant self pitying posturing that accompanied her lack of attention. That was the first surprise.
The second was uncovered through the conversation. I learnt that she would be busy for at least 6 months. She would actually want to go out with me. It's not just a smoke screen or a nice way to say hard no. And she's got nothing against me seeing other women in the mean time. Damn. I did not expect any of that. I had already come prepared with the eulogy of our relationship. So now I'm okay with keeping steady contact with her (though less often). And I can actually look forward to returning to salsa with my whole body. For me, the light flirting and learning better how to is part of it. The sexual tension adds sublimity to the dance.
On a different tack, the third surprise is how satisfying Entre Nous was to read. As previously discussed, this is a book for women to learn from the culture and mindset of french women. Various facets of daily life are included in the analysis: La Tete, Le Corps, Le Coeur, La Cuisine, La Fete, La Maison and La Travail et Le Loisir. For the time being I don't have google translate to help me put these to English. I picked it up because I thought it might be funny. I finished feeling invigorated to turn a new leaf in many facets of my own life.
Mile stones hit
50 days of publishing on my blog
This one sort of crept up on me. A week and a half prior, I was aware that it would happen soon. However since I took a break on weekends my schedule changed a bit so my knowledge was out of date. I only realised that the day happened after I wrote a post for the day.
50,000 words reached on my blog
This one crept up on me even more. Unlike the daily posts when I'm aware that progress is being made (is X a weekday? Then progress = true) with the number of words, it was vaguer. In addition, I hadn't looked at my blog for a few days, so the number jumped forward inzwischen. When I saw I'd hit 50k I was a bit flustered. I've planned to reward myself with something for it, but I haven't pushed it into reality yet.
100 days of studying German vocabulary with Anki
Until I had a readjustment I hadn't considered this one a milestone. Although I was greedily looking at the progress being made, my protestant work ethic mindset considered it simply part of my life now, so I shouldn't be celebrating it. Like celebrating getting dressed every morning. This isn't that healthy or realistic. Considering that I've only been doing it for just over 3 months compared to the 250+ months of my life so far, it's not hit critical mass yet. So until it hits a year, I'm gonna check myself for complacency. As that's when I run the greatest risk of falling off the horse.
Plan for next month
Today I have meditated twice. Two blocks of 5 minutes. I was inspired by 2 books to do so. The first is a book called The way of the peaceful warrior by Daniel Millman. I find it very satisfying to read, and although I find it difficult to read such a mix between biography and fiction, I see myself clearly within the main character; I look forward to reading further. The second was a book on meditation that was first published in 1936. The edition I have is the eleventh edition published in 1981. It gives some structure but not enough for me yet. I may need to revisit its contents to better come to terms with it. I imagine attending a class would bring benefits, however my life already feels so full. I need to consider all my options.
Upon light research and exploration of the topic of phone usage. I re-remembered that it is recommended by many smart men and women to not create a home in your bedroom for your phone. I would like to focus my energies on this, as I have found great pleasure and contentedness in using my phone less often.
For the immediate future, I can see that I can use my ipod as an alarm. This will allow me to let my phone live downstairs in the living room. I mentioned to dad that this is best when the whole household participates with it. He was jokingly apprehensive, but we shall see whether he jokes were in earnest.
By Winter, I plan to purchase a light therapy alarm clock to assist in regulating my sleep schedule whilst the days are shorter. This will also benefit during the summer time. Although I could purchase other curtains to use in my room come next summer.
So that's the whole of May. It had ups and downs but I enjoyed it. I don't know what there will be come June. Whether the lockdown will rise or lower. But I'm more hopeful now.