Old Kid

...heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..e.. ..Nope! I do not do stuff the same way I do stuff.. I do stuff if I WANT to.. I do not do stuff if I DO NOT WANT to.. But everything that I do is based on me.. Okay, I admit, my animal has a big influence on how I can do some of this stuff.. However, it does not take the final decision.. I do.. As I wish.. And, believe me, you are not the center of the world, of my world. I am the center of my world. Not you. So I did not go back befo...

..is it a good or a bad thing? It is a good thing all the way. A good thing because: FiNALLY, I get out of a place and I feel very different then any other places I visited before; sometimes for twice the time I spent there. A good thing because: I worked with genius people, very simple social workers, but who did a much better job then any psychiatrist in the last ten years. A good thing because: I did go forward with an efficient strategy, planned by this team of underestimated people. A ...

This as nothing to do directly with mental illness/disorder/healt.. just have to say it. I am surfing on Twitch since the last year or so. I am watching variety of streams: gambling, chess, fishing, music, painting (yes I watched Bob Ross) bounty hunting, party, cooking, special events, gaming, cartoons marathons, scammer investigation, Ai development, tea tasting, thelethon, ... NAME iT! I probably watched it. Twitch was created to build communities around streamers and give them a chance to ...

..with the state of mind I had when I entered this place, my reactions were normal.. sort of. Normal in the way that I had so much frustrations inside me that was the only way I could react. I worked hard this past few days to eliminate these frustrations, this rage inside me, making me react like I was. I still have small frustrations coming back like flashes. I can see it, my reactions are less aggressive then before. I can control myself and think before saying or doing something. No, I a...

« Go away, I am talking on the phone and it does not concern you » - Crazy Bitch, 8:00am. I am getting out of the house, on the gallery, so I can smoke a cigarette... This is where, BY THE WAY, all the ashtrays and smokers necessities are.. And, remembering the rules I have read and followed since nine days now, this is where we have to go to smoke.. ..because everything is there to smoke and keep the place clean. HOWEVER, the same rules I have read FORBID to talk on your cellphone anywher...

..I needed clear explanations about details in a service contract. Sooooo I called customer service, people who are paid to tell us all the catches of these contracts we sign without really reading them or looking at them. For twenty-five minutes I had a discussion about suspending my service and save a bit of money. I worked for the company for years in the beginning of the twenty-first century. I know how bitch they are. Everything looks good and it looks like my contract authorises me to s...

..looks like a hard thing to do. Mostly by people who wants it, who request it. I finally found a way to go at this special place and come back home every day, which is important because I own animals and I can not trust anybody to take care of them. Nobody can not be trusted. We have rules to follow there. They are simple rules and basically, it is saying: be respectful. There is a trans with us here. I do not care about his choice, it is not mine and quite frankly, I know trans people and t...

..what's up? It makes a while we did not talk. 12 years and 6 months, today. For a long time I did not want to, because the only thing I could do is blaming you; blaming you for everything that happened to us, to ME. I always thought I was the only responsible of what was happening to me. I was wrong. I am 40, I never liked to work. I never wanted to have kids. I never wanted a wife. My head is screwed up, full of bad memories and traumas, coming from you. Yes, I am responsible in part beca...

Running wild (again) feeling stronger then ever (again) Don't show up, I will break trought you this time (again) it's on a good way (again) I can feel it (again) it will explode if you show up, let me pass (again) all bets are off, nothing goes on (again) here we goooOOoo (again) 1..2..3... FUCK! There it is (again) and guess what? YES, BANG! AGAiN!!! No explosion, no brick going all ways, no firework, no sparkle: just that good ol'brick wall, up, unscratched and me, laying, on my back, stunte...

This question is hunting me since twenty-sixteen and I can not answer it with certitude. I have to admit, it is one of the reasons why I did not end my life. I do not want to let you down. That day I have decided to visit a shelter and I found you, I made a promess: give you the life you deserve and not abandon you in nature, like someone did to you, your mom, brother and sister, when you were just born. Fortunately, someone found you in this cardboard box at the end of an alley. Since that d...

Soooo. I was talking with that person and she has that gift to give very good counsils to people. No kidding. She understands life like any other I know. I asked her what should I do about a situation I was stucked in. She answered me, that in life, sometimes, you have to get rid of things and people not bringing happiness in your life. I think she did not knew, that tree weeks later, that will be applied to her. When I talked with her, she was not part on the situation I was stucked in. Bu...

It entered few minutes ago. One of these long messages from my mom, with catch phrases and cliché. But 2 sentences are getting my attention. I was talking with her to leave the place last month, to move away, out of the province. So (sic) « If only you could find someone to take care of you [...] or if you could leave for a better world, I would not be worried. » Hmmmm.. a lot to think here.. I mean,coming from my own mom, wishing that I leave for a better world, it deserves it. -FBF ...

Finally, there is something coming in front, a redundant thought: I lost my families; all of them. My father died over twelve years ago. His succession brought pain and selfishness in all families. My sister tried to sue me to get the entire legacy. My mom looked a this and did nothing to help us in this hard and painfull situation. My father's family have stolen thousands of dollars and wanted more. My mother's family wanted their share as well. I became a puppet. I sent them all to hel...

There are so much stuff I wanted to talk about in this post. Since I published my post yesterday, it is spinning in my head. However, I do not know where to start.. and I do not know what to say, really.. So I'll stop here. -FBF ...

« Yesterday, all my troubles seem so far away » but they do not. They stick at me to be sure they are the closest they can. Actually, I woke up at 3:30 this morning, after a bad dream about one of my "problems". Yesterday was fuckin' sunday, another boring day. Today it is fuckin' monday. I hate them for over 30 years now. I feel dirty, like a trash bag lost under the snow for six months. Summer shows up once in a while here. Yesterday was one of those days. It was feeling 28°C outside with a...

Well, I was publishing my first post and it happened. A 15 y/o crise started not longer after this. Long story short: my car is out of the road for some reasons and can not put it back on it before september. Meanwhile, my mom and I share her car. We live in the same building and it is easy to do. It is friday and like every friday, when I did not kept the car on thurday, I keep it on friday to do stuff. All week long I scheduled my time and appointments so all can be done in the same day. Eve...

Well, this is it. Not only I knew, but I can now see it. My birth certificate shows that's I am 40 y/o, however I am stucked somewhere else in my past; somewhere in my 15's. I was not believing it when I was told, once, over 15 years ago, but today I see it and I wonder why no one else could. With all the specialists I saw in my life, I wonder why, only once in my life, only one persone thought about this possibility and no one else did. I do not know exactly why, but since 15, I am stucked...