Old Kid

@40but15

As per my birth certificate, I am 40 y/o. However, some evidence showed otherwise... 18/19/21 & + MATURE/EXPLiCiT CONTENT

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Respect..

..looks like a hard thing to do. Mostly by people who wants it, who request it.

I finally found a way to go at this special place and come back home every day, which is important because I own animals and I can not trust anybody to take care of them. Nobody can not be trusted.

We have rules to follow there. They are simple rules and basically, it is saying: be respectful.

There is a trans with us here. I do not care about his choice, it is not mine and quite frankly, I know trans people and they are not different then anybody else.

BUT, do not play the victim game. Do not say that we do not like you and we just want you out because you are a trans. We do not like you and we all complaint because you do not respect us. I do not like you because you do not respect me and the house helping me.

You do not respect me when you take over the only bathroom in the place for HOURS. No kidding: SiX HOURS in the bathroom in the last thirty-six hours. WHAT THE FUCK??

What can you fucking do for SiX HOURS in a fucking bathroom? The worst thing is: iT STINKS after that.. you think it will at least smells good but no. iT STiNKS and, not only in the bathroom, it smells in the entire place.

Now, imagine: we are height persons here. So seven persons can not take their shower on time, every day, like it is requested by the rules to follow, if they are not up before seven thirty in the morning or if they do not do it before height in the night.. REALLY?

You do not respect me when I am talking with someone, in a calm and cool ambiance and then you come, yelling, asking stupid questions, without even saying "Good morning" or "Hi", screwing up the conversation and go.

You do not respect me when I am doing my duty of the day and you come around only giving me hard times with what I have to do, turning around the table while I am placing the plates and stuff we need.

You do not respect me when you arrive from nowhere, yelling and playing your boring "super dooper explicit" hip hop music (like you call it) playing on your cheap cellular phone, volume at maximum, when I explained you many times (and the staff also did it) that my right ear can not support high frequencies and it is giving me a headache.

« you complaint, you hate me because I am a trans! ». NO, I do not like you because you play a game and you do not give a fuck about me. So I do not give a fuck about you, that's all.

And after this you REQUEST respect from me? HmmMMMmmm.. where is that "fuck you" emote again..

-FBF

Hello dad...

..what's up? It makes a while we did not talk. 12 years and 6 months, today.

For a long time I did not want to, because the only thing I could do is blaming you; blaming you for everything that happened to us, to ME.

I always thought I was the only responsible of what was happening to me. I was wrong.

I am 40, I never liked to work. I never wanted to have kids. I never wanted a wife. My head is screwed up, full of bad memories and traumas, coming from you.

Yes, I am responsible in part because I did not know what to do. But now, I know: I can blame you for this.

Why dad? Why all that violence? Why hitting me as a child, at three, four or five years old like you did? Why all this yelling, telling me I was nothing, weak, stupid, a bunch of shit and all these atrocities? Why dad?

Why hitting my mom, forcing me to defend her? Why my sister? Why me, when I was the only child in the house, because my sister was smart enough to get out of the house.

You were suppose to show me life. How life was beautiful, how it was a gift that I should enjoy for every second offered to me?Is this life dad? Is it really? Because I remember only one thing: life is a bitch, then you die.

I know you suffered in your life, but today, I know you can see me from up there (even if I wish you were burning in hell) do you see who I am? What I have become? Is this the future you wanted for me? Is this the son you were so proud of?

You know, I have met your friends. They always told me: "Your father was proud of you." I was always answering: "If you want to believe a liar, it's your problem" and I was so laughing at their faces.. because all my life I was for you, just a big fucking piece of shit giving you troubles. How many times you told me I was a son of a bitch?

Yup, I can not deny it: you gave me great material things, but at what price? The price was high.

I knew work as a consequence. I was doing something bad, you always sent me work and do cheap fucking stupid work in your warehouse. I never considered work as a passion, as a pleasure. I always considered work as a consequence, a shitty thing I had to do.

I never wanted kid, because I was always told: every man becomes his father. I did not want to have kids and be an asshole like you were. A fucking alcoholic. A son of a gun making suffer what he should love the most in his life and do everything he can to protect them. Why having a wife, if it is to tell her atrocities like you did to yours?

And what about that morning of September 1992? Do you remember dad? Do you remember the drunk, coked man you were this Sunday morning? Do you remember that in less then a minute, that big house we built as a family, was switched in a giant bomb that could have destroyed the entire block, because you emptied FIVE GALLONS of oil gas in the basement, and you were ready to BURN US ALL ALIVE at seven o'clock? Do you remember dad? It was more then twenty years ago, but I do remember, like if it was yesterday. All this because mom wanted to protect us and did not want to give you money so you can get more cocaine and beer.

You know what? I wish she had done it. You were so mad and you so wanted a dose, I am sure it would have been your last one, the one killing you. But no, my mom was still loving you and "save" you. I hate her for this.

What about my friends? No, you are right, I never had friends BECAUSE OF YOU. Nobody was good enough for me. They were all stupid assholes. I believed you, because you were my father and you were suppose to know the truth. I was wrong: you were the stupid asshole. Nobody could not ever come at home to play with me. I always had to go somewhere else, but very restricted. My "friends" were not because their parents hated you. "If you can not go there, he can not come here."

All the "education". It cost you a lots of money hey? Well it cost me, again, a big part of my life.

"Maybe I was an alcoholic, but you are a doped" NO I AM NOT. You see, I'm with people who cares for me since two days, with people who are interested in what I am living and want to help me. I do not need weed and I still do not need alcohol. I needed drugs to forget the piece of shit I was for you. I choose to be a peacefull weed smoker then and alcoholic asshole like you.

You were an asshole and this is still what I think of you today. You never deserved me, my sister or even your wife. You never deserved all that you had. You did not even deserved to live sixty-one years.

What you really showed me about life is that asshole have everything they want.

But you were right at one place in all that. I am nothing and I prefer this, then to be an asshole like you and have all that I want. I prefer to have what I NEED.

Go fuck yourself dad! Stay there and enjoy heaven, because once I passed on the other side, I am soooo gonna go see Pete, the doorman, telling him who you are really, so I can bring you back with me, in Hell, where I can see you burn into ashes and suffer for the eternity.

Yesterday was fathers day and your funeral celebrations. I really celebrated yesterday. I celebrated freedom, joy and happiness. I celebrated the fact, that the person who screwed me up to that point was not anymore and nothing can make that shit come back to me.

Today it is your birthday and I DO NOT GiVE A FUCK.

No, I did not talk about what you created that I have to call my sister. She is worse then you. I do not know how you educated her, but it is another master piece of shit, coming from you.

It was le last time ever I was talking to you. If you are really my dad, the man so proud of his son, the man that loves me sooooo much, but never had the guts to tell me in face anything else that the shit I was, you will make that wish come true: I wish I will never think of you again.

Me.

-FBF

...and we're hitting!

Running wild (again) feeling stronger then ever (again) Don't show up, I will break trought you this time (again) it's on a good way (again) I can feel it (again) it will explode if you show up, let me pass (again) all bets are off, nothing goes on (again) here we goooOOoo (again) 1..2..3... FUCK! There it is (again) and guess what? YES, BANG! AGAiN!!!

No explosion, no brick going all ways, no firework, no sparkle: just that good ol'brick wall, up, unscratched and me, laying, on my back, stunted, wanting to get up, but I can not move for now. I do not feel pain or sadness. I am just there, asking myself why; why Pete and repeat are in a baot again? Is repeat no tired of that joke and would not like to jump of the boat to join Pete and have fun? Ever heard of sea-doo guys? But the only answer coming is "because of you (me)". I did not checked. I did not asked one question.

And that was not even my plan.

My plan was to jump over the wall, getting around it and come back on the track later. But I ran, wilder then ever, right into it with full of confidence instead. This time, I did not see it coming. It appeared, by surprise. But it is my fault.

Unable to go at the hospital to get help until I can see a psychiatrist (I was told to do so by a nurse at the clinic I am on the waiting list) I took a big puff and a big look at the situation. I saw the good ol'same pattern coming back, again. I was running like hell, trying to pass trought that fucking brick wall, in front of me for years and, in fact, I was running just to hit it, nothing more.

Yesterday, I called the local social services and talked with a nurse there. I asked if there're places I can go for support until the call back from the clinic, scheduled somewhere between now and january. I explained the whole brick wall thing and why I could not go at the hospital (animal to take care of, walking is my only way to move, hospital at twenty-five kilometers from here so even with permissions, I can not come back here).

The nurse asked me for my address and postal code (zip) to take a look to the local organisms available in the database and locate the nearest ones. One was found.

A perfect place, near by, where I can get help and I am free to come back home everyday if I want to.

After a two hour call, the only thing left for me to do is call at a place to confirm my entry time. I am gratefull. Thank you very much, you did more in two hours then everybody did for the last 10 years!

The high begins..

I am calling the place. It took about thirty minutes to finish all the necessary stuff. iT iS ON!!! Tomorrow something will will be different! The pattern, no more, will be. I broke it, it is over. I have found the secret passage, the warp zone! I feel like the time I found the first warp zone in Mario Bros.

I am on a freaking high now..

Getting my stuff ready, telling my contacts I am taking a leave of absence and I need to change the way for technical support, I wonder where is the catch, but I also do not want to believe of a catch a bit. After all, I called a specialist.

Go in bed, I wake up at 3:33. As usual, when I see three similar digits on a clock, I make a wish. So I wished that everything goes right today for my entry at the center. I do not feel sleepy so I get up and turn on the computer.

Oh shit.. I forgot: the address? Where is that place?

Okay, I don't know for you, but the "near by" notion should not differ so much for people. I mean that the center, near by, is at THiRTY FiVE KiLOMETERS from my home.

I did not see it coming this time. it just appeared in front of me "SURPRiiiiiiSE! i AM HERE!!!!!" and BANG! Game over.

I will take time to recover of that run. However, I will never trust anybody again.

-FBF

What will you do if I go tomorrow my bro?

This question is hunting me since twenty-sixteen and I can not answer it with certitude. I have to admit, it is one of the reasons why I did not end my life. I do not want to let you down.

That day I have decided to visit a shelter and I found you, I made a promess: give you the life you deserve and not abandon you in nature, like someone did to you, your mom, brother and sister, when you were just born. Fortunately, someone found you in this cardboard box at the end of an alley.

Since that day we have met, you were always there. Whatever happened, you never left my side and only us know everything that happened since that halloween of 2010. I made a promess: take care of you and never let you down. I have tried to keep it the best I could.

We are together for mostly ten years now. It happened I left for a week or two, but we were living with roommates or places with people always in there. Sometimes, you had friends so it was more easy for you. People were also there to take care of you every day. No, your trust in them was not entirely. You were hidding all day long, getting out mostly during the night to eat and going back to your cache, hidding, waiting for me to return, wishing I will serve you your next plate. You knew I had not leave you behind, but you were not safe I was not coming back to sleep every day, as usual.

For the last three years, we have our own place and our routines. Also, I am practically at home all the time. If somebody comes here, you runaway, hidding, because you are a bit like me: you are very selective, but also wiser then me; you do not trust anybody before they have earned your trust. I should take example on you for that last one. After all, you did it with me!

So, with everything spinning in my head, the possibilities that I screw up, one way or another, without wanting it when it will happen, like it is for years now, that I can go for an appointment and never come back because I was placed in a special institution or anything that can seperate us, I wonder: what will you do if I go tomorrow my bro?

I was told by a doctor to be gratefull for at least three things each day before I go to bed. You are the first thing I am greatfull for each night before I fall asleep.

Every time I am thinking of wishing to die, you cross my mind or you appear in front of me and it is clear: I can not leave. I have to keep my promess and take care of you, give you the life you deserve, the best life I can offer to a friend like you. If I want to continue to keep that promess, I need to stay alive, I need to fight. I just do not know how anymore.

Adopting you was part of a plan. I just did not know, at the time, the plan was not exactly mine. In fact, MY PLAN was used to execute someone else's plan.

"You could have found a million of better masters, but for a friend, I could wish better". How many tie I can tell you this!

I remember when I saw you at the shelter: shy, affraid, terrified in your cage, looking at me with eyes wondering "what the fuck do you want? Why do you look at me like that? Oh! Congrats, you can transform your mouth and make it do and sound what my ass does when I poo! Don't you see I do not give a shit? I am terrified. I never wanted to come here. I want to go back home with my sister and brother! SECURITYYYY!!!".

That day you came back to my home. They putted you in my cage, we stopped by the pet shop to get all I needed for your first day in your new home and finally arrived. You were so excited to get out of the cage, but you did go back faster then you got out, less then three seconds after getting out, realising you were not in your regular home, that your brother and sister was not there waiting for you and your mom was not in another cage following yours. Actually, I did not know before a long time your mom was there, in another cage. If I knew, I would have taken her with us!

I know, if anything happen to me, my mother will take you and take good care of you, like she did the three years we were all living in that big house in the mountains. She will be there to nurrish you every day with the best food for you, but this is not what I am worried about. What will really happen to you? Will you let her skratch your back with the brush or just hitching under your chin like you let me do? Because I remember, even if she was the one giving you your first meal of the day, every morning at five o'clock, you were flying away if she was getting too close and I was not around.

It is not my intension, but with everything happening and chances that we can be separated, I wonder: what will you do if I go tomorrow my bro? I am worried.

-FBF

Coming back at ya..

Soooo. I was talking with that person and she has that gift to give very good counsils to people. No kidding. She understands life like any other I know.

I asked her what should I do about a situation I was stucked in.

She answered me, that in life, sometimes, you have to get rid of things and people not bringing happiness in your life.

I think she did not knew, that tree weeks later, that will be applied to her.

When I talked with her, she was not part on the situation I was stucked in. But, like she also have said: things change, shit happens!

Things changed.. and shit happened. I had to act. I have other fights to qualify for. I dropped the gloves on this one.

-FBF

Text received...

It entered few minutes ago. One of these long messages from my mom, with catch phrases and cliché. But 2 sentences are getting my attention.

I was talking with her to leave the place last month, to move away, out of the province. So (sic) « If only you could find someone to take care of you [...] or if you could leave for a better world, I would not be worried. »

Hmmmm.. a lot to think here.. I mean,coming from my own mom, wishing that I leave for a better world, it deserves it.

-FBF

Full and empty part II...

Finally, there is something coming in front, a redundant thought: I lost my families; all of them.

My father died over twelve years ago.

His succession brought pain and selfishness in all families.

My sister tried to sue me to get the entire legacy.

My mom looked a this and did nothing to help us in this hard and painfull situation.

My father's family have stolen thousands of dollars and wanted more.

My mother's family wanted their share as well.

I became a puppet.

I sent them all to hell.

I leave them all behind for five years.

I never wanted to have kids since I was fifteen years-old.

This made that wish stronger.

I always did what I had to do, to do not have unpleasant suprises related to this.

Now, it is radio silence. Nobody talk to each other anymore. Holidays and celebration days are dull. Fighting with each other is a common thing and I do not see any way it can be fixed.

I lost my families. The only living being I can consider family is my cat.

So my christmas, new years, birthdays, ..it is all with my cat.

-FBF

Full and empty

There are so much stuff I wanted to talk about in this post. Since I published my post yesterday, it is spinning in my head.

However, I do not know where to start.. and I do not know what to say, really..

So I'll stop here.

-FBF

Yesterday...

« Yesterday, all my troubles seem so far away » but they do not. They stick at me to be sure they are the closest they can. Actually, I woke up at 3:30 this morning, after a bad dream about one of my "problems".

Yesterday was fuckin' sunday, another boring day. Today it is fuckin' monday. I hate them for over 30 years now.

I feel dirty, like a trash bag lost under the snow for six months.

Summer shows up once in a while here. Yesterday was one of those days. It was feeling 28°C outside with a big shiny sun, water level also dropped in the rivers around and make it easier for fishing.. not interested. Like a teen, bored and does not want to cheer up.

I watched streams on Twitch, visited the balcony when time to smoke a cigarette, I took a walk a the convenience store because I needed milk for my coffees and that's about it.

I used to take my Mustang - my car, Besta I named it - remove the top and go for rides. Most of the time I was doing this alone.

Yes, I had a beautiful convertible car, a grand tour model, but I was not pretencious to a point I would call someone and ask to come with me for a ride. I was doing this when someone previously told me to let him/her know the next time it happens.

Cell phone off, music at maximum level, big air, sun, my hat: catch me if you need me! I am gone!

My golf clubs had their steady place in the trunk. Sometimes I was stopping somewhere to play a game, sometimes in a driving ranch, where I could spent two, three hours swinging my clubs and practicing my shots.

My fishing rods were also in the trunk.. just in case!

Besta is gone. Yup, I sold it nearly tree years ago to go back to school, telling myself I will get a new one after. Tree other BiG mistakes I have made.

Okay, where am I going with this? I do not know; I do not have a clue why I wrote this today. But, is it really a requirement? Odds are in favor of the "Yes" party here. I donot care about the odds: I beat them.

Well, thanks for passing by, reading, subscribing to the news letter, etc...

..and have a good fuckin' monday... Heeee no: HAVE A FUCKiN' GOOD MONDAY HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

-FBF

I've done it yesterday...

Well, I was publishing my first post and it happened. A 15 y/o crise started not longer after this.

Long story short: my car is out of the road for some reasons and can not put it back on it before september. Meanwhile, my mom and I share her car. We live in the same building and it is easy to do.

It is friday and like every friday, when I did not kept the car on thurday, I keep it on friday to do stuff. All week long I scheduled my time and appointments so all can be done in the same day. Every thursday or friday, at 8 O'Clock I go see my mom asking her if we leave at 8:30, as usual and get ready. When she have to leave early, she send a text to let me know and we deal from there.

So.. friday morning, 8 O'Clock, the phone rang and it was a call I have waited for months. An appointment in the afternoon! "Yessssss! I will be there, no problem, I have waited so long for this I do not want to lose my place and my file being closed!" I have said.

Run upstairs, knock on my mom's door.. no answer.. knock again.. no answer, not even a sound in the appartment. Check outside, the car is not there. Call her cellphone, no answer. What the fuck is going on this morning? Call later, no answer.. What the fucking fuck???

An hour later, I have received a text from my mom with "excuses" she could not answer the phone because she was driving. Ok, what about the bluetooth you asked me to set up in the car? Oh, it is true, "You deactivated the bluetooth" as per what she is saying in the text. I activated it, showed her how it works, but because she can not use it, I did something.

Now... 3 hours of walk for that appointment.... ..... ...

I busted, right there. Total darkness; I mean, I remember what I did and said, but I also remember I was not able to control my mouth. This part I do not understand it. I was probably 12 or 13 max in my actions. More I was realising it, worse it was going.

I also do not understand: why the usual routine was skipped this morning? The only answer I got is: "Oup! I forgot... sorry!". That "reason" is always the one used for everything: "Oups, I forgot... sorry!".

How the fuck can you forget something happening for more then 6 months now? It is not happening once in a while, it is a weekly rendez-vous! I keep the car on thursday or friday, do my stuff, do grocery and her quick shopping at the same time.

So I just busted and say things that I usually think, but keep for me. But that time was too much. I exploded. Everything I had inside got out.

Am I sorry? DO I regret? Not sure of this part either... yet..

-FBF

Hello world!

Well, this is it.

Not only I knew, but I can now see it.

My birth certificate shows that's I am 40 y/o, however I am stucked somewhere else in my past; somewhere in my 15's.

I was not believing it when I was told, once, over 15 years ago, but today I see it and I wonder why no one else could.

With all the specialists I saw in my life, I wonder why, only once in my life, only one persone thought about this possibility and no one else did.

I do not know exactly why, but since 15, I am stucked in a bubble, a world that I do not want to leave, even if I really want it.

I think I was 25 at the time, when a psychiatrist at an ER told me « I am not sure it is all related physically to the brain. Yes, something's strange and it looks like a mental illness, but also a state on mind. It looks like you are stucked at 15 and something do not want you to leave. It can be voluntary or unconscious, it needs more time to know this. I will submit your case and blablabla news somewhere between 6 and 36 months... blablabla... etc... ». Obviously, I never had news.

Althought, 15 years had passed since and I saw many specialists. Most of them gave me a pill to sleep and sent me back home; others just sent me back home.

But I see it now. It took a while, because, quite frankly, I totally forgot about this, but... ... ..what's the say.. . ... never late then better?

My birth certificate shows I am 40 y/o. However, everything else show otherwise...

-FBF