At times I feel a strong sense of morality and of right and wrong. I feel like an opinionated person in a good way. I connect with the events of the world of which I have knowledge. I can comment on it and can argue with people endlessly on the contradictions of the world. Mostly this depends on the company I keep and sometimes on completely unrelated matters like the weather.

In social situations I’m more likely to respond to provocation to discuss worldly matters. There are few things more annoying than listening to someone talk on false premises and vehemently advocate something absurd. Over the years I have gotten better at resisting the urge to intervene and comment, I have instead tried to sit back and loose myself. This is partly because I no longer have the patience required to convince someone who is clearly not willing. For the most part it is because I have realized the internal inconsistencies of my own opinions, the transient nature of truth and ideology and at some level the irrelevance of it all. As these ideas have taken hold of my mind, I have receded further from practical matters and more into abstraction.

The most drastic of realizations has been related to the ideals and morality that I used to hold in high regard. Their deep connection to the people and society that they are a part of, the clear subjectivity is what makes them, at the same time, a binding social need and a powerful (and dangerous) weapon. To everyone, their own morality seems superior. Most times even this absolute morality falls flat in the face of any inconvenience. I will refuse to help another person when my beloved is mad at me and I wouldn’t be bothered with activism today when my neck hurts because I slept at an odd angle last night. Like faith, ideals also must be digested whole and believed in if they are to be of any use. The roots of a society are held together by these implicit social contracts. These contracts are tied to the times in which they are upheld and are under constant change. Often the changes are violent and leave out sections of people. As far as I can see there is no efficient way to deal with it on a large scale. Locally or in person they can be dealt with by being adaptable and by taking a non-interference policy, this is hardly the case though.

I no longer have the sharpness of tongue that is needed to debate or the zeal that once drove me to convince the world of the authenticity of my perspective or the depth of my righteousness. These qualities, essential to a man of conviction and purpose are lost to me, maybe never to return. I don’t regret it.

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