Bittersweet

Ahhhh an entire month has passed. 

I gave myself time to think and simmer what I cooked up in my last post. My eyes bulge at how much I bit off in 'All that I want to write about'. 

I'll stomach these topics, but it will take me awhile to digest what I don't enjoy. I take my past in strides. I want to capture all the moving parts.

Since my last post I rode my bike lots; I enjoyed summertime with my kids and made my wife laugh. I managed to talk with much of my big Utah family; I helped people I care about with technology. My friends and I hiked somewhere I've never been before; I even managed to have great conversations about coal and my experience with coal.

We hiked to the top of mount Timpanogos for the first time in my life. This was the first peak I crested in a long time. Along the trail there are large fields of jagged rocks. I came up with a game on the trail I called find the dark rock. I picked up and threw dark rocks. I wanted a piece of coal in my hand. I doubt there was coal in the entire Timpanogos mountain range. This mountain made me think a lot of my families coal mine in Hiawatha.

Metaphors came to mind about the top of my world. The top of mountains are great places to find a drive to write. At the top of that mountain I saw at a birds eye view the important parts of my life. I'll need a lot of drive to get through the peaks and valleys of my past.

When I bike around my city, in mountains, and along bike paths I find old connections with emotions of the past. I remember the emotions my family showed me when I biked with them ten years ago. I find that my bike helps me dare to experience parts of my past. I dare to ride roads next to cars. I dare to shred mountain bike trails. I dare to relive my past.

On my bike I evaluate risk and am always headed to a destination. I dare to dream on my bike and the consequences of a mistakes are real. My bike connects me with my emotions and the real consequences I have faced without my family.
I do have reasons to be cautious. I save my effort for my family and the people I know want me around. The lines of relationships with my parents and my siblings are all so blurred. I enjoy the thought of experience and time with my parents and my siblings, but I don't know how I could even make this happen. I don't know that my family enjoys me.

This past month I read my first piece 'All that I want to write about' to four people out loud. I watched and heard the emotional response from my friends and the few family I know who care to listen. I rode the waves of my effort. I got feedback that felt so unexpected and I am grateful. I hope to never take for granted the emotions I earn from others.

My past involves complex relationships between hundreds of individuals, I was close to most of them. When I write I think about the good years of my past and the emotions I was shown. For better or for worse, I write about my past alone and I hope for a benefit I can't yet know. I'll go the distance for the real emotions I know exist.
I would ask for help from people I once was close to, but I've been rejected in most of my thoughts about my past. My parents and my siblings do not want to hear my experience. They want me to be quiet and go away, or submit to the ideas of a single person and a single structure of ideas. I hope someday to be proven wrong on my last point.

I have watched so many others who write about my large extended family ignore the real emotions that exist. I often rely my own assumptions about my families experience. I don't want to take the past or the future for granted, for better or worse.
It's not all gloom from me, I have great friends who share similar interests. We have biked and hiked, but still too often the conversation I want to have about family, about love, is cut all to short. God I love my wife and my kids.
To write what I want to write about I have to relive my past as much as I dare, most often without help from the people I once knew. I can't get through my journey alone. I am glad to have the connections I still have. I do my best to connect with people through my bike, through my humor, through my time and all that I love.


@Charcode


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