3523 words

[9:10pm] [4/17/19]

on monday, i was walking around, talking to some people during seminar, and then i saw stella buying some stuff in the cafeteria so i walked over and then we walked around for a little bit together

after we walked around for a bit, we went to mr. bernhart's desk

there were quite a few people over there, but that's beside the point. someone gave stella some spicy cheetos and they were way hotter than she was expecting. she kept eating them, and her cheeks got a little pink andAAaaAAAaAa she's so fucking c U T E

today i was down in the gym watching the special olympics basketball tournament during 2nd and 3rd, and i saw her across the gym and i got sad because i couldn't get up and go over there, bUT during 3rd i went back down and i saw her come in and she sat on the same side as me so i waited a little bit bc i didn't want to be like s u p e r clingy but i went over and talked for a little bit and then i realized that i didn't have any friends so i sat down on the stairs next to her and then maria snow, the person she was talking to, got up and left and she told stella that she could move over so i could sit next to her, and i feel like she could tell that i like stella, which is scary, because if a complete stranger could tell, then does stella know i like her???

i don't know anymore

[8:48pm] [4/8/19]

today was...
not good.

i only saw stella for like 2 minutes total today
and in that 2 minutes, the only words said between us were
"hello"
"hey"

i want to fucking die

i know that all that stuff with the hug was just pure coincidence and that i shouldn't think too much about it but like i just want to be around her literally all the time and i can't do that and it s U C K S

[5:32pm] [4/7/19]

so last night was closing night for the musical and at the cast party i sat next to stella and we talked a little about the show, since neither of us had actually seen the show we'd spent months working on

she had to left at 12:50am, and when she left, i got up and gave her a hug and she was squeezing really tight and i just meLTED because she doesn't normally do that with hugs and aAAAAaAAAaaAAAAAaaaAaaAA

idk anymore

i just want to be with her all the time and i know i can't do that because she's not looking for a relationship until college because everyone here is dumb but i'M HERE and she won't be next year so i want to spend as much time as i can with her but like i can't tell her how i feel because then i feel like she'd just stop talking to me like everyone else that i've told how i feel

she's just so fucking adorable and i wish i could be with her more often

[9:14pm] [4/1/19]

okay so

I talked to cici in the hallway before theory today so that's good I guess, I haven't really gotten a chance to talk to her for a while

yesterday after musical rehearsal, stella gave me a ride home, and that was really fun because I don't really get the chance to be alone with her very often. today on our dinner break I was sitting by the front of the auditorium with her, bella, and helen, and it was nice, I guess. but then stella asked me to get a Snickers bar for her and so I got her 3 (because they're like the super small bite size ones) and about a minute later, people were asking the pit for Snickers bars (not because they saw me give them to stella, just bc they wanted some) so I leaned over to stella and whispered in her ear not to tell anyone that I gave her anything and she winked at me (I think) and said "I gotchu" like it would be our secret and like gODdaMN she's so fUCKING c U T E

aAAAAAAahhhqiaaHbHAJBDJI|HE+F')IRJE{AB3>R

I wish I could just like go up to her and hug her really hard because like damn I want her to hold me so bad

[10:59am] [3/25/19]

yeah so uh
I really fucking miss sitting with cici during seminar

I feel so alone

like I'm just here and nobody so much as looks at me

when cici is here, at least she glances at me from time to time
also she actually talks to me

idk anymore

I'm just getting extra hopeless now

[11:22pm] [3/22/19]

AAAAAaaaaaaAAaAaaaAAAAAAAAÄÅĀ
why does stella have to be so goddamn cUTE

i was standing there talking to her and tristan and like aAAAHDSKSIWBAAAAAA

also I was just thinking about the couple of times she snapped me when she was either about to get in the shower or just got out of the shower and like gODdaMN does she do that for other people or just like
was she trying to get my attention by doing that and then just gave up bc I'm an incompetent bitch

or am I still am incompetent bitch, but I just overthink everything and so I just take the illusion of caring and wanting more and think of it as fact

idk anymore

no matter what the reason was, she's really fucking cute and now I can't stop thinking and everything is just going to end badly because i was already hopeless before I started thinking about all this shit and now I'm just gonna be even more fucking in love

[8:04pm] [3/21/19]

I was walking around after pit today
and I saw Stella in her dress, getting ready for the prom fashion show and gOD FUCKING DAMN she is rEALLY PRETTY

like yeah she's pretty literally all the time but this was just like agkkhshajDHSJAHJDBSKA I didn't even rEALIZE that a human being could look that nICE

idk anymore

I don't feel like I'm good enough to even be friends with her bc like damn
I'm never ever going to be able to stand next to her when she looks that nice

I don't even have words to describe how fucking insanely beautiful she looked tonight

aAÅĀÄĀẞ$+<ÇJE{DBWJW-Ò‰°°/•=¢¶×°¥£√♪Π`μ%6

[7:57pm] [3/21/19]

so i uh

i was walking down the hall with vanessa today after band and what the fuck

why is she so fucking adorable

like what the hell

[11:18pm] [3/20/19]

god fucking damn it
I miss cici so much

I was in the bathroom getting ready for bed tonight and I was just thinking about Brooklyn Nine-nine and then •BAM• here come my thoughts about cici and how fucking cute she is when she talks about things that she enjoys like I don't know what to say to describe it

and like, I was thinking about her teasing me if I get behind on Brooklyn Nine-nine and fucking aAAAAAAA@ÀÄÅAAÅ gOd I would just fucking die bc I wouldn't be able to just like hug her really tightly for no reason other than that I want to

I don't know anymore

I don't know what to do

I want to tell her how I feel but I know that she won't ever feel the same way so like what even would be the point

[10:08pm] [3/19/19]

i am so fucking hopeless

why do i even try to be with people

like i don't see why people want to be around me, it's not like i'm that fun to be around

and even if people do want to be around me

then why the fUCK am i alone all the time

it doesn't make any sense to me

[11:13am] [3/19/19]

cici came and sat next to me today during seminar, and god fUCKING D A M N she's so fucking c U T E

I thought I was close to getting over this but that's just because I haven't really seen her in a while

we talked about Brooklyn Nine-nine and she's just so fucking adorable when she talks about things she likes and

aAAAAAAAAAaAAAAAAAAAaAAAAAAAAAaAAAAAAAA
AaAAAAAAAAAaAAAAAAAAAaAAAAAAAAAaAAAAAAA
AAaAAAAAAAAAaAAAAAAAAAaAAAAAAAAAaAAAAAA
AAAaAAAAAAAAAaAAAAAAAAAaAAAAAAAAAaAAAAA
AAAAaAAAAAAAAAaAAAAAAAAAaAAAAAAAAAaAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAaAAAAAAAAAaAAAAAAAAAaAAAA
AAAAAaAAAAAAAAAaAAAAAAAAA

[9:17pm] [3/15/19]

so today was the OMEA contest. we got a I rating but that's not what this entry is for.

i was talking to vanessa in the hallway after band yesterday, and i ran into her again before we left school to go to OMEA. we stood in the locker room and talked for a little bit, and then i went to get my music, and then i stood and talked with her and abbie in the band room until we left. i sat with vanessa on the bus, and it was nice on the ride there. when we came home though, she was telling me about how she doesn't have a date to prom and like, i dOn'T kNOw iF sHe'S lIkE tRyiNG tO gEt ME tO gO wItH HeR or sOmeTHinG.

she gave me a ride home from school, too. the conversation in the car was like, pretty normal, but when i got out of the car, she said, "it was fun tonight," and i tHINK she said, "love ya, eric." so like i'm really fucking confused about that now.

[9:28pm] [3/13/19] [Abbie's Birthday]

Today was Abbie's birthday, so i sent her a text during 3rd period saying happy birthday, as anyone would

and then we just kept talking all day long

i had forgotten how much i enjoy talking to her and bOY i thought those feelings had disappeared long ago

but it turns out they didn't and now i may or may not like 5 people

so that's wonderous

~~

regardless of how shitty i feel right now, today was a decent day.

  • i talked to abbie, who i literally haven't really talked to for a year
  • pit was significantly better today than it was yesterday, i actually hit some notes

i'm not gonna write 450-some words tonight, i have to be up early tomorrow, so i'll leave it here for today.

[8:04pm] [3/10/19]

great news: i can't breathe

nothing is worth living for anymore

i can't tell stella or cici how i feel
i don't know what to do about the whole thing with taylor
garrett told me that there are like 3 people that he knows of who like me and that there are probably more, but if that's true then why the fuck am i so alone still
i don't know what the fUCK is happening with rachel, does she like me or not

i'm just an incompetent bitch who can't do anything right and doesn't deserve anyone's admiration, much less anyone's affection

guess what: my life is fucking confusing and i just want it all to disappear already

nothing is good anymore

====

nothing is worth it if there isn't anything that makes me happy anymore

i don't know what to do anymore
why can't i just know what people would think of me so then i could just move on
like that would make everything so much easier because then i wouldn't have to waste feelings on people that wouldn't even reciprocate them

it's just so annoying when you can't live without seeing someone 5 times a week and then you're fucking in l o v e with them on top of that

//
in case you were wondering, unrequited feelings and seeing the person for whom your feelings exist 5 days a week aren't a good combination

it ends with you not breathing and probably ending up killing yourself because nobody will ever even entertain the idea of thinking of you the way you think of them
\\

it's
it's just fucking annoying
why does nobody ever talk to me
like yeah, i get that i'm shy, but that doesn't mean i won't talk to people
and that shouldn't make me unapproachable

nobody even bothers

even if people say they love being around me

if that was the case, people would be around me, and guess what, they're not

maybe this is just my sleep deprivation and depression talking, but
none of this seems like it's worth anything
nobody cares about me
nobody even bothers to talk to me
and when they do, it's just total bullshit conversations most of the time
like maybe once every 60 conversations i have are actually worth the slightest bit of my life

i don't know anymore

===

everything just seems hopeless and i'm not gonna have an impact on the world anyways, so what's the point in being alive

[7:56pm] [3/8/19]

let's just
stop me from having emotions anymore
because everything is not good and i really don't like how fUCKING incompetent i am

--

like why do stella and cici have to be so goddamn cute and rELATED like it would be great if they just didn't know each other at all because then everything would be a lot more simple

like i could just go and make an attempt and the other wouldn't know about it but since they're related i would never be able to just go to the other one if things didn't work out with one of them

this whole situation is just fucked

--

and don't even get me started on everything else

there's so much shit going on and i don't know what to do about any of it:
- i have zero clue how many people i actually like
> Is it rachel? stella? cici? taylor? fucking, 3 random people i don't even know?
- my gov grade is fucking horrible
- i might be in pit, but nobody has any clue whether that's actually happening, they might just scrap me and hire a professional violinist
- i'm fucking depressed and i don't want to talk about it because the only people who actually care are people that i care too mcuh about to vent to because i don't want them to be worried about me because like i'm fUCKING helpless when i talk to them