January 8, 2019•558 words
One of the main reasons I left my old blog was because I became aware of how pretentious I sounded in some posts and it made me cringe.
When I was little I believed myself to be the smartest, fastest, prettiest and overall best kid in the whole school. These ideas were planted in my mind because I was spoiled and people would tell me I was these things. I always got the best grades, I always won games of tag and I was a very popular girl in elementary school. My life was perfect, the kind you see in commercials. I was the kid that all the other kids in the class compared themselves to and felt worse because of it. The antagonist in a high school drama.
The downfall was I became a spoiled brat. When I didn't get what I wanted, I would manipulate. I wouldn't throw tantrums, I would emotionally berate my mother and play petty games with my father. I would hide wallets, phones and car keys as ransom. And my parents did not discipline me, they didn't know how. This reenforced my mindset of believing I was a genius. They would cave in every single time. No consequences, no financial worries, amazing academic performance without even lifting a finger, treated as if the world revolved around me - I am surprised I am who I am today. I could have easily turned into much more of an asshole.
But my ego is still there, even though I'm mature enough to recognize it now. I have difficulty accepting criticism, when I get a lower grade than I feel I deserve I place the blame elsewhere. When my parents say no, my immediate emotional response is outrage. When my friends make decisions that I believe are wrong, I tend to think I'm much smarter than them.
And I KNOW I do these things, so now I try not to act on them. I try to recognize my faults instead of thinking I am perfect.
Fault: I have a bad habit of assuming I'm the most intelligent person in the room.
Instead of thinking: Well, I probably am the smartest person here because [insert rationalizations].
Think: I have thoughts and feelings like everyone else in the room and we are all equal as people. All people have strengths and weaknesses and that doesn't make anyone better than anyone else.
Instead of thinking: I am the most attractive both emotionally and physically out of all my friends.
Think: My friends are beautiful and wonderful people who deserve all the love in the world. Thinking you are the most attractive makes you unattractive.
Narcissism is such an ugly trait. Insecurity is also a bad trait, but it's much more accepted because it's got humble and innocent connotations. When someone says "she's very insecure" the response is "aw, poor girl" vs when someone says "she's very narcissistic" the response is "what an stuck up bitch." I don't want to be stuck up bitch, I want to be kind and warm. I am kind, but not always on the inside. I need to work on compassion and try to be a better person. I hope I see none of my pretentious bullshit on this blog, I am trying to keep it all kind and warm.