A seventeen year old girl writing too much
9684 words

What's in a Name?

Since I like my anonymity, Eulalie is not my real name. My real name is a very common one, it's been on the "top ten baby names in America" list since the year 2000, I swear. And it's not that I don't like the name, but it's never felt right at all.

Is that weird? I have been referred to by it and conditioned to it for my entire existence, yet whenever my name is called it feels uncomfortable and awkward. When I write it on paper it just doesn't feel like me. And it's not just me but other people agree that my name does not suit me. My mother even admits to regretting the name she gave me (it was my father's suggestion and she caved).

So, ever since I found out that you could change your name, I have wanted to. But I wanted to wait until I grew into an adult to choose so that I wouldn't pick anything stupid (which was a good idea because I would have picked "Raven" or something equally awful in middle school). I know 17 isn't quite an adult age yet, but I'm pretty sure I've settled on Eulalie, pronounced yoo-lay-lee. I first fell in love with the name when I discovered the poem "Eulalie" by Edgar Allen Poe when I was 12.

I'm confident in this name because I've loved it for years, even when other name ideas came and went. It really feels right and I've never had a doubt about it. It's classic, beautiful and not just a name picked from a list on nameberry.com. I've decided that when University starts I will tell everyone that I wish to go by Eulalie instead of my legal name and see how that goes. Then, if all goes well and it sticks, I'll legally change it later.

English Studies vs Math and Science

I am good at arts and humanities, but talent does not aways equal passion. I don't like how greyscale these things are. I used to think I wanted to do art for my career, but that was quickly abandoned once I reached high school.

I feel bad because I used to be such an advocate for the arts, but I must say I don't think art is very important anymore. I don't get it either. Some artwork is amazing, like he work of tattoo artist Mr K and the hyperrealism of religious paintings, but most artwork I think is sort of stupid. This includes writings as well.

Trying to extract some sort of meaning from shapes and colours is just not very fruitful. "These blue tones make the painting feel cold and communicate the painter's emotions towards the war" - Really?? You cannot prove that, nor does it make much sense. Same with statements like: "Using words such as 'void' and symbols such as 'the raven' creates theme in the essay." These loosely interpreted things give me the most unsatisfactory of feelings! To me, art isn't about the message but about skill and talent. I know this is an unpopular opinion, but abstract art or art "for the message" is crappy and often lazy.

I think maths and sciences are much more valuable and important than arts. It is my opinion that math and sciences should be mandatory throughout high school - another opinion that is unpopular.

Self proclaimed narcissist

One of the main reasons I left my old blog was because I became aware of how pretentious I sounded in some posts and it made me cringe.

When I was little I believed myself to be the smartest, fastest, prettiest and overall best kid in the whole school. These ideas were planted in my mind because I was spoiled and people would tell me I was these things. I always got the best grades, I always won games of tag and I was a very popular girl in elementary school. My life was perfect, the kind you see in commercials. I was the kid that all the other kids in the class compared themselves to and felt worse because of it. The antagonist in a high school drama.
The downfall was I became a spoiled brat. When I didn't get what I wanted, I would manipulate. I wouldn't throw tantrums, I would emotionally berate my mother and play petty games with my father. I would hide wallets, phones and car keys as ransom. And my parents did not discipline me, they didn't know how. This reenforced my mindset of believing I was a genius. They would cave in every single time. No consequences, no financial worries, amazing academic performance without even lifting a finger, treated as if the world revolved around me - I am surprised I am who I am today. I could have easily turned into much more of an asshole.

But my ego is still there, even though I'm mature enough to recognize it now. I have difficulty accepting criticism, when I get a lower grade than I feel I deserve I place the blame elsewhere. When my parents say no, my immediate emotional response is outrage. When my friends make decisions that I believe are wrong, I tend to think I'm much smarter than them.
And I KNOW I do these things, so now I try not to act on them. I try to recognize my faults instead of thinking I am perfect.

For example:
1)
Fault: I have a bad habit of assuming I'm the most intelligent person in the room.

Instead of thinking: Well, I probably am the smartest person here because [insert rationalizations].

Think: I have thoughts and feelings like everyone else in the room and we are all equal as people. All people have strengths and weaknesses and that doesn't make anyone better than anyone else.

2)
Instead of thinking: I am the most attractive both emotionally and physically out of all my friends.

Think: My friends are beautiful and wonderful people who deserve all the love in the world. Thinking you are the most attractive makes you unattractive.

Narcissism is such an ugly trait. Insecurity is also a bad trait, but it's much more accepted because it's got humble and innocent connotations. When someone says "she's very insecure" the response is "aw, poor girl" vs when someone says "she's very narcissistic" the response is "what an stuck up bitch." I don't want to be stuck up bitch, I want to be kind and warm. I am kind, but not always on the inside. I need to work on compassion and try to be a better person. I hope I see none of my pretentious bullshit on this blog, I am trying to keep it all kind and warm.

Working Hard

I'm taking a brief break from studying to write. I've been studying really effectively recently, I'd say I only "waste" 3-5 hours a day (1 day = 12hrs). I am so incredibly thankful I get access to amazing technology throughout my education. I've heard of schools that prohibit or restrict technology, and to that I ask pressingly: How the fuck?

I am 100% paperless. I have 5 sheets of emergency paper and I never use them. I write all my notes, tests and assignments using some sort of device. All my school's media and study material is available online - no textbooks or paper hand outs. Here is a list of my wonderful devices:

  • MacBook Pro (13") for writing assignments, sometimes notes, and accessing school's website/handing things in.

  • iPad Pro (12.9") + Apple Pencil for writing notes using the app notability, and also accessing school website

  • iPhone XS for setting reminders, using study time tracker apps (like flora) and misc activities

Now the apps I use for school:

  • Quizlet: awesome for memorizing terms and diagrams
  • Khan Academy: Don't use all that much but watching the videos is a good way to remain productive while eating
  • Google Calendar: I keep ALL my shit on here, my due dates, test dates, any other dates, tasks, reminders, marks and anything else about my life that I need to organize
  • Flora: a nice study app that keeps me motivated
  • Notability: Where I hand write all my notes and tests
  • Pages: Where I write my assignments and typed notes

And there's some other ones like google drive, photos, chrome, outlook etc. but those are pretty basic.

I can't imagine how some school don't use tech. You literally can't learn at my school if you don't have a phone, and if you don't have a laptop you have to sign one out from the community laptops in the LC (LC = basically a library but computers replace the books). Also, all the incoming grade 9's get iPads that they can have and take anywhere for the whole year (my year didn't get this, I bought my own iPad) I believe the way my school works is a better future for education, because it's good for the environment and effective for students.

Sweet 18

It's 2019, which means I'm turning 18 in 3 mere months. I can't stop it, I can't shove the months back, they are like clouds and I am an airplane. Undeterred.

I don't want to! I feel like throwing a temper tantrum like a child. I remember last year I wrote the same thing in my blog about the year 17. I wish I could be 11 again. I wish Call Me Maybe had just been released and Minecraft was cool. I want my family's silver kia spectra back. I want to watch Smosh on YouTube and PewDiePie playing horror games. I wish I could experience my first slumber party again and that my friends and I were still walking sock foot on asphalt roads on pink summer evenings. Or sitting atop the cement box in front of the convenience store. I want it all back. It slipped away too quickly. Memories like dry grains of sand through my fingers.

I'd trade everything from 2018/19 for 2012/14 - the alcohol, the cars, the sex and the maturity. I love my life as it is right now, but it'll never be the same as those days. Even just for a day I wish I could go back.

Uni

I'm really excited to go to university, learn and earn a bachelor of science, but I'm terrified of actually having to walk on that campus, kiss my car goodbye and be a freshman again. I wish I could turn on autopilot and take a year long nap inside my head until 2nd semester when I'll feel like I know what I'm doing. I just know I'm going to have a million panic attacks at first.

New Years Eve Homework

All plans fell through for tonight. My boyfriend wasn't allowed to do anything fun and my friends were just feeble. So I'm spending my new years eve doing biology. I have a test on plants January 7th.

My new years resolution is simple: Get good grades.

So far I have a 90% average. My goal is a 92%.

I want to do great things. I can taste them. I can't wait to get back to school. I've been missing labs, especially chemistry ones. I got to dissect a rat this semester! I got it all to myself because the girls in my group were very squeamish. It was awesome. After that class I arrived home like a teenage boy who's just gotten laid for the first time. Ecstatic! I could still smell the formaldehyde on my fingers!

Adrian

Why not start off bold this time?

I'm hoping to fuck my boyfriend, Adrian, tonight. But it might not happen because his family will be home so wether or not I can stay over is still up in the air. I stayed over 2 nights ago and did not make a good impression. We arrived very drunk and had very drunk sex in his basement (which is his room) and I'd be surprised if they didn't hear us.

I'll give you some parameters on Adrian and I's relationship:

  • We met in 7th grade when we were both 12
  • We have been inseparable best friends ever since
  • We starting a sexual relationship about two years ago when we were around 16
  • I finally caved and said yes to dating him 3 months ago
  • He wants to marry me
  • I want to break up with him eventually

I should mention I'm aromantic. I hate labels but that best describes my feelings. Imagine that there's a warm, fuzzy wire in everyone's brain that allows their romantic feelings to flow from their heart to their conscious. It feels as though someone has cut mine. I've never had a crush, felt butterflies or loved the way everyone describes love. And it's never bothered me either.
I find it so difficult to explain this, because everyone then assumes that I can't feel love. I do! I love Adrian, just not in the same way he loves me.

I do feel lust like everyone else does. Unfortunately, Adrian longs for love over lust. It's complicated. Sometimes I feel like I pretend love to get lust, and then he pretends lust to get love... If that makes sense.

New Beginning

Hello, my name is Eulalie. I am 17 years old and I live in Canada. I've had two blogs before and abandoned both when they got unenjoyable. I figured the new year is a good time to start again.

Now I'm not sure where to start... I have 3 friends, one of them is my boyfriend and also a very long story. I am in 12th grade and have been accepted into three universities so far for medical and forensic sciences. I love science and math. I want to go to medical school and become a forensic pathologist or a surgeon, but I'm keeping my mind open to anything else I might come across as well. My main passion and drive is education and medicine, everything else in my life I try my best to keep secondary.

One of my favourite things I own is a car. I love cars.

I like sex and alcohol, but only in the right situations. I don't like drugs, they make me too anxious. I have really bad anxiety and I hate that about myself. But it's gotten much better than it was before, I used to be a selective mute, and I also couldn't breathe most of the time and went to the emergency room once.

I am a spoiled suburban kid. Both my parents were always there growing up, and they're your typical amazing parents. I am an only child. I'd say this is what caused my "worst personality trait": narcissism. I'm making it a goal to work on that this year.

I am really lucky, I have everything and I love my life. I am healthy, happy and financially stable. I usually write about my opinions, experiences and existential crisis.

So, I guess here starts another blog.