December 26, 2021•443 words
Right now we're going thru alot of pain with the death of our family members. It's an odd situation that is compounded by the fact that they are all alive still but not for us.
They died to us when they refused to accept us, withheld documentation that we needed in order to transition our name, continued to fail to accept who I was, failed to provide support, combative and abusive at every step with gaslighting.
We're as a system having to reckon celebrating a Christmas without them, it hurts so very very much. I could go to them but they're really ghosts. A heart coal. Even the heart coal is being tainted with the repressed abuse, neglect of our alters and forcing us to become singlet.
What's even more ironic is that the mom wanted a daughter, she wanted to adopt a daughter. I would have expected that me transiting and finally finding out who I was would have been an amazing beautiful and joyful reunion. We'd be able to do all the things that mothers and daughters do. Instead I was ignored, they played the "I'm confused" card just so they could attack me more.
One of the things that you can do with coping with a loss is find another family. Your chosen family. I've found a chosen sister and she's the light of our lives. She's in love with our essence not of who we are in any one point in time. She's fluid and evolves with us.
Another thing is find people to talk too. Talking to people who'll validate who you are. People who really care about you and you care about them.
Ensure that you're doing exercise, getting enough sleep and if you can try mindfulness for a bit each day. I would suggest Waking Up app.
Something that I just learned is that loosing a loved one is like loosing a limb. It's the same physical pain receptors being used. Don't fall or regress to drinking, smoking, PMO and other addictive activities. Don't numb yourself. Feel the pain, cry, go for a walk.
You are not broken, I am not broken. We can heal, we can regrow. Be in places of love, warmth and kindness. Don't self isolate.
You are allowed to be in pain. I'm in pain. Terrible pain. Right now I'm crying over the fact that I won't be able to celebrate their birthdays or other special days. That my last time with them doing those things came waay sooner than I expected.
I'm crying, I'm sad. I'm soo soo soo sad and upset. You're allowed to be sad and upset as well.