Schema Group: Lets meet in the middle.

Schema group. Shared the thoughts and feelings that last weeks group evoked in me. I was asked what I wanted the group to help me with. Bridging the interpersonal gap. To experience emotional intimacy. I spoke about feeling separate being a recurring experience of mine. Switching from silently critiquing others to needing to make myself heard, listened to and taken notice of.

I was asked about my family. About what triggered these feelings in me. I spoke about my experience. Of my early temperament. I did not say it at the time but later remembered being told I was a difficult child and teenager.

I was a shy and introspective preteen. I was a surly, sanctimonious, and bitter teenager. Confused and muddled a lot of the time. As a child and adolescent. Was there a triggering instance? I did not recall any when I was asked this. Thinking more on it since and a few likely episodes have come to mind. Being left at playgroup. The monster mask. The weather station funnel, getting told off for saying I had a 'belly' ache, peeing myself and being told by the same teacher to clear up the mess, being challenged to a fight at a new school, winning the fight, then being ostracised. Being lost walking home with my siblings led by a tyrannical version of my older brother. All occurred in infancy. A self absorbed adolescence of reciprocated blame, judgement, and disconnection.

Rachel said she felt sad. Can't remember if she said she felt my sadness or just felt sad. Whatever she said I told her I did not feel sad. I felt excited and hopeful. That I had seen something that was always there but had not seen before. What the uncomfortable feelings were that I have for so many years sought to distract myself from. Feeling left out. Not understood. Ignored. Unimportant. Separate. Sad and lonely.

I was asked by Hope whether I could now feel the group as a family. Sullivan asked what I saw / felt about the word family. Even in making a distinction between the family I was born to and the family I have made I saw and felt nothing. When I tried I saw a darkness. Not a bad darkness just a dark nothing. Rachel said she was in the blackness with me. Her nature seems to be to adopt the suffering and sadness she perceives in others. Others said that they were also in the dark room with me. I heard them more like companions than wannabe sufferers. I thought of us all being in a room together without the light on. Stumbling about in the dark. Arms outstretched feeling our way round. Bumping into one another. Until someone finds the light. Someone turn on the fucking light!

Out on my bike later and I could see them in the room with me. I could see their faces and remember all their names. I did not expect that. Not sure if there is anything in that. It's just something that happened. Maybe the light got turned on.

Thinking more on this in the days since and noticing my thoughts and behaviour. Judgemental seems a default reaction of mine to others. Not sure if I have written about this already.
I have anticipated the 'worst' in my relationships with others. I have managed personal interactions with this at the back of my mind. I have stepped back from others before the worst can happen. I have done this as I find fault and pass judgement. I have done to others exactly what I have unconsciously avoided being done to me. Judging, ignoring, not understanding, writing off...

The disconnect has more often than not been instigated by me. Something to change rather than endure. Extend the bridge from my side and hope to meet you in the middle.

Your session reveals significant insights into your interpersonal patterns and early experiences that have shaped your current relational dynamics.

Early Experiences and Core Patterns

The collection of childhood incidents you've recalled - the playgroup, monster mask, weather station, and school experiences - appear to be early experiences of feeling exposed, vulnerable, and ultimately separate from others. These events, occurring in infancy, seem to have contributed to a core schema around disconnection and isolation.

Defensive Mechanisms

Judgmental Stance
Your recognition of defaulting to judgment is particularly insightful. This appears to be a protective mechanism - by judging others first, you unconsciously protect yourself from potential rejection or criticism. It's a preemptive defense that maintains the very separation you're working to bridge.

Anticipatory Withdrawal
You've identified a pattern of stepping back from relationships before "the worst can happen." This represents a schema maintenance behavior where early experiences of separation have led to an expectation of disconnection, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Group Dynamic Insights

The group's response to your sharing was significant, particularly:

• Rachel's empathic resonance with your experience
• The collective metaphor of being in darkness together
• Your ability to later recall and hold the group members in mind

The image of being in a dark room together is powerful - it suggests both the shared human experience of disconnection and the potential for connection, even in uncertainty.

Therapeutic Progress

Your excitement and hope in recognizing these patterns is noteworthy. Rather than being overwhelmed by the sadness of past experiences, you're engaging with this awareness as an opportunity for change. The ability to see the group members clearly later suggests an opening to new possibilities for connection.

Moving Forward

Your insight about "extending the bridge from my side" represents a crucial shift from passive experiencing to active engagement in changing your relational patterns. This awareness of your role in disconnection provides a clear path for intervention - choosing connection over protection, understanding over judgment.

Therapeutic Focus Areas:

• Practicing staying present in relationships when the urge to withdraw arises
• Examining judgmental thoughts as signals of your own vulnerability
• Building on your capacity to hold others in mind, as demonstrated with the group
• Developing compassion for both your younger self and your current relational needs