Schema Group: Voices of modes.

Schema group. Today the question was asked what one message does our healthy adult have for us when we can listen. I gave it some thought and came up with: You are lovable. You are wanted. You are good enough as you are right now. The response was silence. Nothing at all. Later Sally spoke about 'being good enough...' implied the suggestion that we are not good enough. I thought that myself when thinking about what to say but went ahead and said it anyway. Sally said her healthy adult told her to 'hold your head up and smile'. I got that. It made sense. There was no judgement implied. It was encouraging. I liked it and have thought about it a few times today. Hold your head up. There's a lot going on in the world that you just do not know about and it's not all bad. Do not get so caught up in your own thoughts. Smiling changes the mood. Changes thoughts. Lifts negativity. Behavioural activation.

There was also the usual hand wringing and angst. This time from Paul. He told us that a church group attended had asked him to share his wisdom with a group of young married couples. Instead of celebrating he was tormenting himself about not being worthy, of feeling humiliated and embarrassed by his perceived lack of wisdom! It was suggested by Hope that he was ignoring is own achievement. He never said as such but I thought Paul did not feel validated by sharing good news so needed to find something to suffer with. I laughed at that which was noticed. I was asked to comment so I did and related back a couple of weeks ago when I had shared progress and it seemed to me that that had been pretty much ignored by the group.

Later I said something about noticing something akin to a confirmation bias. Dismissing evidence that contradicts whatever sad old story I may have about myself / my situation / my relationships with others. About working on shortening the gap between noticing this and taking action. That observation was validated by Sullivan. Noticing our reaction. Noticing the coping mode, the maladaptive child in us. It was that conversation that got us onto what the healthy adult might say when we are able to hear, to notice and to listen to it.

After the group we were sent some reading on the Voices of Modes. Had a skim through. Some worthwhile reading and reference. Very busy today. Shall come back to it through the week. For now though these are the child and maladaptive coping modes I most recognise in myself when my schemas have been triggered -

Child Modes | Internal Activation - Back Stage

Vulnerable Child (VC):

• Feels lonely, isolated, sad, misunderstood, unsupported, defective, overwhelmed, incompetent, doubts self, needy, helpless, hopeless, frightened, anxious, worried, victimised, worthless, unloved, unlovable, lost, directionless, fragile, weak, defeated, oppressed, powerless, left out, excluded, pessimistic,desperate, humiliated, clingy, unwanted.
• Feeling that “Nobody loves me.”
• Desperately feeling the need to be loved, carried, helped, looked after, wanted or cared for.

Angry Child (AC):

• Feels intensely angry, enraged, infuriated, frustrated, impatient because the core emotional (or physical) needs of the vulnerable child are not being met.
• “If I don’t fight, I’ll be neglected or abused; feeling enraged; lots of anger built up inside; feeling angry with a person for leaving or abandoning me.
• “I’m being sensitive to being told what to do or how to behave, which makes me become angry very quickly;”
• “I feel cheated or unfairly treated; I feel the need to punish or hurt someone for what he/she did to me;”
• “When I’m hurting, I am needing the satisfaction of being able to retaliate.”
• “I’ll make him/her pay for what they did! I’m going to get them.”

Undisciplined Child (UC):

• “It is hard for me to discipline myself to complete routine or boring tasks.”
• “I may not clean for a long period, but when something really important comes along I will clean instead to avoid doing important things.”
• “I’m bored; I can put this off (procrastination)”
• “This is just too difficult, I am not going to do it, nobody will notice.”
• “Oh, I give up! This is too hard/feels bad/makes me tired/is boring.” “I don’t care if this is for my own good, it’s too hard / difficult / boring / waste of time….”

The difference between ordinary feelings and Child Modes is that Child Modes are activated by very small incidents. The intensity of negative emotions seems disproportionate to the event. Moreover, it is really hard for a person in a Child Mode to control those feelings and the related actions.

Maladaptive Coping Modes | Visible Behavioural Activation - Front Stage

Compliant Surrenderer (CS) :

• “Just leave it, it's no point saying anything.”
• “They will only get upset, leave it, it's not worth it!”
• “Even when I don’t like the way things are I’m not risking expressing my disappointment or frustration; I have trouble confronting others with my frustrations. I’d rather please other people in order to avoid conflict, confrontation, or rejection. My personality changes around certain people I’m with so they’ll like me or approve of me. I do not stand up for myself; I allow/put up with people criticising me or putting me down because if I say something, they might reject me/humiliate me, ignore me, get angry with me or distance me.”
• “I’ll quietly put up with things or try to get on with a person, even when I don’t like the way things are.”
• “Let them be right/take charge/make the decision; in relationships, I let other people get their own way instead of expressing what I want or need.”
• “You’ll never know my true feelings!” (They would never listen to me anyway).

Detached Protector (DP):

• Feeling empty; feeling disconnected; numb or nothing at all; feeling detached (no contact with self, my emotions or others);
• “I just want to be left alone; I don’t care about anything; nothing or nobody matters to me; I feel left out/on the outside of things; even when I am around people, I can detach myself from what they are saying/doing”
• “I don’t want to get involved”
• “Leave me alone”
• “Give me some space”.
• “It is better to feel nothing then feel in pain; I feel flat; I feel indifferent; others describe me as detached/not caring/cold/invisible.”
• “Get me out of here!”

Detached Self-Soother (DSS):

• Doing something exciting or soothing to avoid my feelings (e.g. exercising, working, gambling, eating, shopping, sexual activities, drinking/drugs, partying watching TV). In order to be bothered less from my annoying thoughts/feelings.
• “I want to distract myself from upsetting thoughts and feelings; I work or become so involved in my activities, so I do not have to think about the annoying feelings I have”
• “I need a drink/to smoke a cigarette/watch T.V/have sex”
• “I’ve got to cut myself, switch off, take drugs”.
• “This internet site/game/music/job etc. helps me switch off/chill!”
• “I make sure that I am always busy”.

In today's group a vulnerable child along with a compliant surrenderer kept dropping by. In work related matters it;s mostly the angry child that put in a show. That's progress. Just a few months ago the undisciplined child, the detached protector and self soother would also all have been with me pretty much every day.

Your journal entry reveals significant therapeutic insight and progress in understanding your schema modes and their interactions. Let's analyze several key aspects:

Mode Recognition and Evolution

Your ability to identify specific modes in real-time during group sessions shows developing psychological mindfulness. The recognition of your Vulnerable Child and Compliant Surrenderer modes during group, while noting the Angry Child's presence in work contexts, demonstrates growing mode awareness.

Group Dynamics Analysis

The Silence Response
Your healthy adult message ("You are lovable. You are wanted. You are good enough") meeting silence is therapeutically significant. The contrast with Sally's message ("hold your head up and smile") highlights an important distinction - your message contained implicit validation-seeking, while hers was purely action-oriented.

Paul's Situation
Your observation of Paul's response to positive recognition reflects sophisticated schema awareness. His difficulty accepting achievement mirrors a common schema pattern where individuals default to familiar suffering rather than embracing success.

Progress Indicators

Mode Management
The reduction in frequency of your Undisciplined Child, Detached Protector, and Self-Soother modes is particularly noteworthy. This suggests your schema therapy work is effectively helping you develop healthier coping mechanisms.

Metacognitive Development
Your insight about confirmation bias and the gap between recognition and action shows emerging metacognitive skills. This awareness is crucial for strengthening your Healthy Adult mode.

Therapeutic Recommendations

1. Continue developing your awareness of the transition moments between modes
2. Practice implementing Sally's action-oriented healthy adult message
3. Document specific instances where you successfully shortened the gap between mode recognition and healthy adult intervention

Your progress in mode identification and reduced reliance on maladaptive coping modes indicates positive therapeutic movement. Keep focusing on strengthening your healthy adult voice while maintaining compassionate awareness of your child modes.