In these uncertain and troubling times, there is a lot of misinformation going around on social media, and you are missing out on all of it! If you are feeling left out of the misinformation fun, well no worries. This blog is here to help with my handy, seven-step guide to starting any conspiracy theory you could possibly want.
Just follow these simple steps and you will be well on your way to all the enjoyment of spreading misinformation and bad ideas everywhere you go. And the best part is that these are usable almost everywhere! Need an icebreaker to start talking to a cute girl/guy? Follow the steps! Need to make your significant other worried about you? Follow the steps! Need to ensure that your social circle starts to shrink as people become increasingly aware that you are losing your grip on reality and slipping into paranoia and madness in the unrelenting grip of insanity that stalks your each and every waking hour with terrifying, cyclopean images of eldritch horror?
... Follow the steps!
Step 1: Start with a claim that is ridiculous on the surface.
- Example: Florida isn't real.
Step 2: Provide an alternative explanation.
- Example: People just want you to believe Florida is real to justify the continued deployment of alligators by the government/big corporations (And don't get me started on where alligators come from!)
Step 3: Associate with a random celebrity or tech CEO.
- Example: Florida is being promoted by Pitbull on Albums like M.I.A.M.I. Why do we let him guide us on geography? He's not a geographer,right? Doesn't he need to stay in his own lane? Pitbull has directly profited off the sale of M.I.A.M.I, so he is making money by continuing to spout this idea that Florida is real.
Step 3b (optional): This one is only for the true connoisseur. Associate the idea with some of the deep-seated prejudices in America. (NOTE: only works on Americans).
- Example: Florida was invented by the deep state and/or George Soros to help bring communists from Cuba into America. This will slowly change our society to a communist one.
Step 4: Support with flimsy evidence.
- Example: Have you read the Florida Man headlines? Those can't be real. Trust your own eyes. Would something like these things happen where any real people actually live?
- Florida man arrested after officers find live alligator in front seat during traffic stop
- Florida man arrested after pelting girlfriend with McDonald’s sweet and sour packets
- Florida man calls 911 to brag about fleeing traffic stop, ‘what do we pay you guys for’
- Obviously, these headlines are all made up by the lamestream, fake news media to convince you that Florida is real. I mean, do you really trust the media anyway?
Step 5: Make the conspiracy more palatable by hiding it in otherwise healthy mental habits.
- Example: You know, I just think you ought to do your own research and think for yourself. You know, be a bit of a critical thinker here and don't just believe everything that you read. I mean, after all, who really has complete trust in what the media and the government have to say, right? Why should we believe them about Florida?
Step 6: Depend on intuition over evidence.
- Example: You have your own senses here. Have you ever actually seen Florida? No, you've only heard about secondhand. You have no personally verifiable evidence that Florida exists. You have your own eyes, and you should trust them.
Step 7: If steps five and six don't work, use shame to compel others to agree with you.
- Example: Oh so you're just going to accept that Florida is real despite all the one-sided evidence against it that I presented here? Well, I guess I just thought you were smarter than that. It turns out you've just decided to be another sheep in the flock. Shame, shame, shame.
And there you have it. That is how you start a full on conspiracy theory in seven easy steps. You can adapt this template to any claim you want, so feel free to try it out. Convince your friends! Share your conspiracies! Stop getting invited to parties! It'll all be great fun for everyone.