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Shadow Work

My bio is one sided.

An experience and consequence of being parented.

Dad worked away from home during my early childhood and on and off until I was about twelve or thirteen. When he came home it felt like a stranger had come to stay with us. I did not look forward to his return and could not wait for him to go off again. One of my very first memories of dad. Him coming home from spending time working away. I recall him saying something about us only being pleased to see him for the presents he brought back home. On this occasion he brought me back an ugly monst...
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Claude's Insights: A New Approach to Shadow Integration

In no particular order other than that which come to mind... Being preachy Hypocrisy Sanctimonious Stingy and tight Inconsiderate Grasping Materialistic Two faced Lazy Entitled Hard done by Deceitful Tardiness Inattentive Ineptitude Rudeness All of these get me going. All of them I am susceptible to my myself. The list is a reminder to myself. It is also incomplete. I am using the power of an LLM to help me understand and give me pointers about what I can do in terms of shadow work with all...
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Growing up

There has been no shortage of opportunities to gauge the difference this shadow work is having. My reaction to the apparent inattention, unawareness and inconsideration of others seems tempered. Here's an instance. Some fella driving a car looked my way as I headed towards him on my bike. He then proceeded to pull out of a junction right into my path. I hollered out loudly to get his attention. Oi! Oi! Oi! He stopped and gave way, scowling and swearing as he did. I did not feel angry. I did no...
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Drivers

Irritation triggered by drivers. I saw a fella today get out of his car and start having a go at another driver. Swearing, wagging his finger and making threats. Both drivers looked to be in their mid sixties. Regardless of whether I am riding my bike or driving I have often been triggered at some point on most journeys. A good example is of being passed by a vehicle and then obstructed by that vehicle very soon after they have passed. Why could they not hang back a while? This has triggered ...
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Being ignored

Thinking I am being ignored triggers me. It hurts. I don't carry it well. I bury it. I do not admit to the feeling. I do not explicitly share that I feel I am being ignored. A 'fuck you then' typifies my response. Pretty sure I just come across as rude, bad tempered, indifferent, distant and aloof. Ironically when I get attention this feels uncomfortable. Quite obviously an internal conflict is going on here. I have not dealt with the experience effectively. Reflecting on this now I notice m...
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Hypocrisy and mistakes

This morning I listened to a series called The Art of Noticing by Rob Walker. Simple and uncommon exercises to reveal what’s hidden in plain sight. It's on the Waking Up app, which I highly recommend. Here's 30 free days of Waking Up (no credit card required) if you're interested in having a listen. A couple of things I noticed today. I drove 160 miles this afternoon, on my own. The car was full of stuff on the journey out. It was empty on the journey back. While I was driving I thought about t...
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It's heating up.

Very often I see people driving around in great big cars and SUVs and they are the only ones in the fucking thing. Cunts. Most likely in this weather with the air conditioning on. 'Oh my it's so hot'. The smug bastards in their electric vehicles are just a different shade of climate vandal. Green washed EVs are still consumption. Acquisitive consumption by those who apparently do know better. The connection between behaviour and climate change seems to be lost on these types. Same goes for all ...
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This Be The Verse

Inevitably it goes back to my experience of being parented. The paternal side was characterised by disinterest and emotional neglect. Taciturn and grumpy. The maternal side was an apologist for the paternal side mixed in with never ending posturing of scarcity, hard done by victim-hood. Not the worst parenting. I was not abused. Both are still alive. They are still together. We seldom talk with or see one another. They are no different now. Why would they be? This Be The Verse They fuck you u...
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Background

I am sometimes, perhaps often, very cynical, critical, judgemental, angry, blaming, lazy, avoidant and so on. I have repressed, denied, suppressed, or escaped from these negative aspects of myself. Bunch of reasons. Mostly nots. Not wanting to look bad. Not wanting to upset people. Not wanting to come across as a nasty piece of work. Not wanting to make myself unpopular. Not wanting to be called out on my opinions. Not wanting to be proven wrong. Not wanting to deal with the impact of this side...
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About

Shadow Work deals with aspects of our being we unconsciously keep under wraps. Traits and characteristics we may not be aware we have, that we would not wish upon or conversely credit ourselves with. Features of our makeup that influence our behaviour and interactions, perhaps often times seen by others way before if ever recognised by ourselves. The aspects we deny seen oh so clearly in the behaviours of others. The 'negative' traits become our irritations. The 'positive' traits, those we la...
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