I was just remembering how I can’t enjoy things as much as I used to in my teens. Experiences that used to give me a rush, like listening to music or watching movies, getting lost in a book, or even orgasms, feel unremarkable to me now. I can hardly think of anything that could make me feel excited these days. Not a concert, not learning, not food, not hanging out with a close friend.

I decided to search the Internet to see if there’s anything credible out there that describes my experience, and I found this:

“Anhedonia is a diverse array of deficits in hedonic function, including reduced motivation or ability to experience pleasure.

While earlier definitions of anhedonia emphasized the inability to experience pleasure, anhedonia is used by researchers to refer to reduced motivation, reduced anticipatory pleasure (wanting), reduced consummatory pleasure (liking), and deficits in reinforcement learning.

In the DSM-V, anhedonia is a component of depressive disorders, substance related disorders, psychotic disorbders, and personality disorders, where it is defined by either a reduced ability to experience pleasure, or a diminished interest in engaging in pleasurable activities.”

Though I’m wary of self-diagnosis, this is kind of a spot on description of what I've been feeling for at least 2 years.

I’m ambivalent about whether I have some form of depression, but I undeniably experience some of the symptoms.

PostScript: even on acid, I feel nothing (but sadness)

You'll only receive email when Aadil publishes a new post

More from Aadil: