welcome to my mind. life gives meaning to death. @invasion#9999 or quotev for messages.

jun 24 2019

today was my birthday! i got my learner's permit today and can officially drive as long as someone 21+ is with me. big plays. currently don't have a car though, and father is selling his new Toyota Land Cruiser so he'll only have his old Porsche 911 which there's no way can bring to work and his old land cruiser, which is supposedly my car. so either i'm getting a new car soon or he's gonna not sell the new LC.

anyway my gifts were 2 of the 5 hue bulbs i wanted, the rest of my desk (dual monitor stand, cable runs, clip-on power-brick), some of those color-changing RC candles. also money, phone case. $50 from grandma that i'm gonna deposit tmrw or soon, i'll try to get $5 from mom just because and then i'll have $350 in checking. meaning i can buy shit w/ my debit card. i've got ideas of what i'd buy but those would get damn close to that 350 mark. like i'd have $50 for gas, and buying shit at syr. maybe mom will give me some extra bucks in there for syr though. and i can use her card for gas mostly if i play it right. and can get a job like a normal person maybe. could see if the computer stores have any openings but i REALLY don't want to get a job until i can drive.

anyway tmrw i'll finally be able to change my bathroom lights to be all the fancy shade of blue i adore so damn much and also game with the monitors actually next to each other ~~and an inch away from my eyes~~. my second monitor is gonna be portrait for now.

happy birthday to me.

cake was good

abby almost forgot about it.

i'm surprised i passed my permit test.

presents were nice!

i'm content.

jun 23 2019

i feel directionless without louie. i'm not sure if i even want to be a doctor because now all i can think about is providing for myself and being lonely and miserable for the rest of my life because the first person i felt love with isn't mine. i'm rethinking my kinkiness and my gender identity and my weight loss goals. my life is turning into spirals now. not depressive ones, thank god. i wouldn't be able to bring myself to do anything anyway. i don't want louie to feel guilty that it's his fault, even if it partly is.

our relationship wasn't going to work out for a few reasons, the first and most obvious being the distance. that, along with the time, was a gigantic issue. i need sex. something. i can't be teased for 4+ years. if it was just a few months, it may've worked. but not years.

another reason is because his sense of humor. the punishment stuff... just makes me uncomfortable as hell and i couldn't deal with how he acts for the rest of my life sadly.

yet another reason is the fact that he doesn't want kids and probably never will. i'm deeply considering it, at least adopting some to raise from 6 or so, that way i wouldn't have to deal with the gross baby stuff.

also his accent is tough to understand sometimes. imagine me fucking him harder than ever and he's trying to say something but i can't hear it. once we're done, he's completely limp and defeated and finally manages to say in a way that i can hear "I was saying stop earlier"

that would break my heart. i hate it when i make mistakes and i know how uncomfortable that would make him feel and i don't want to do that to someone, so i have criteria for relationships now. nothing really set in stone but generally: within the US or Canada; shares my sense of humor, or lack thereof; is a dominant or at least a dom-leaning switch (another issue w/ louie: he's a sub); i feel a love-like connection with them; doesn't mind my hobbies, interests, and paranoia.

that is the last issue. he thinks i'm crazy for wanting internet privacy. i mean i'm using an encrypted notes app, i use encrypted email and my discord server is hosted on an alt in case mine gets banned for, y'know, betterdiscord and ripcord.

speaking of, i wonder if it's been updated recently.

it has, nothing major.

mom and i have been finishing up on the ice cream this morning. had to mix in 6 more oreos because for some reason the 16 we had put in earlier went to the bottom. we're about to work on the cookie dough ice cream :p

so we made it, no clue how it's gonna taste. the chunks of dough were huge and there's a lot of them so i'm under the impression that it won't be very good lol, but its whatever y'know. also fucking hell tomorrow. i've got to study!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

or read


lunch was MYO, dinner has been seemingly the same but mom may text and say she's bringing home chicken in which case yee haw lol, i ate some food but i'm still kinda hungry lol

jun 22 2019

boring day. made 2x custards w/ mom which was fun. one is oreos and the other is gonna be cookie dough! for some reason the food network recipe for the latter involves eggs. which is like... probably illegal. but whatever. salmonella just means i can purge away my food.

other than that, played a fuck ton of siege, got more neato clips so hopefully soon i can start working on a compilation, or 4.

saw had some issues w/ her computer and she's 6 hours away so that's fun. already was stressed now she's probably melting tf down lol. tried to help but conventional wisdom doesn't work with apple products /shrug

god i hate writing my recaps at 10:00 but i always forget to write shit when i'm playing siege for 8 straight hours.

jun 21 2019

ok so i forgot to publish yesterday so there you go

also its 9:23pm as i'm beginning to write this so rip

so for breakfast mom made the rest of the pancakes for me and that was nice of her then i meandered for lunch and then bam for dinner we ate at (fancy local restaurant)

not much else happened other than all of that and a fuck ton of siege gameplay. i really need to work on some stuff that i need to put up for my birthday on here but it's so much workkkkkkkkkk

jun 20 2019 - the day louie broke up with me.

i never title these. i wasn't going to. i wasn't expecting this.

today has been boring mostly. i played a fuck ton of siege despite 5 or so internet outages.

5:3 aspect is wonderful.

i'd send pictures of the DMs if it didn't internet-dox me. i dont want people on discord to know about this journal. he led up to it with one simple message then said "I'm breaking up with you..."

my heart sank more than it ever had done, and it does that a lot. him and i talked it out. we're still friends, he's still mod, we just mutually sorta agreed that LDRs weren't for us. if i can manage to lose weight, i may pull some chicks or dicks in-town and get irl cuddles which would be awesome.

i guess i'm even making a big deal out of this. it doesn't fucking matter. his part in my life was getting smaller and smaller ever since january. i'm almost glad he did it because im a pussy.

now i can be a slut in discord and no one can care hahahahahahahaha

jun 19 2019

so for like 30 minutes today i laid in bed and thought about being a slut instead (or along with, if i was lucky with my proposal of this to louie) and just having all these random people on the streets giving me my submissive fix. forcing me onto my back, pinning me down and fucking my tight little ass until they finish deep inside it then giving me cuddles until the next morning when i slip out early and go home to join louie in bed, lovingly kissing on him as he wakes up before i get to work.

played a fuck ton of siege cas today. overwolf automatically saves every single kill i get so if i do ever decide to do more YT comps, it'd be easy. in fact i may do one soon. i've always thought 'Just Be' by Nate Rose would be a great song for a Siege mv. we'll see.

jun 18 2019

so i sorta tossed and turned in my bed for like 45 minutes this morning dreaming of louie and i. i still have doubts if we'll be able to work out, especially irl, but i hope we do because he's a qtpi. Alisa keeps using #general as #gamers-only and it pisses me off. i don't wanna see your stellaris shit. no one does but grav. stfu.

its whatever, less than a week until my birthday its exciting uwu

usually it sneaks up on me. like i'm used to being like "Whoops my birthday is in 2 days" because im not used to caring about what day it is. having to journal forces me to have some idea of the date. its kinda nice.

apparently i finally got my 200th mystery box on NT and i got the car to go along with it :p

no more daily logging in to grind my way to getting it lol, that's nice.

part of me is currently attracted to ricegum someone help he's such a qtpi

jun 17 2019


yea we're down to 7 days ;p

got 8:20 of sleep uwu

today ended up being very boring and i did not do very much at all. had an ortho appointment. blah blah blah boring stuff. still working on the name for the lesbian fic i thought about last night at 10:00 but "Truelove" is gonna have to work for now. just asked Alisa what she thought. different alisa, not me.

i honestly am not sure if i ever mentioned my transname to you guys. it's alisa. in the case of the discord server, Alisa is a different person. two separate people

changed the name to "Roses Withered" i hope that's better than Truelove lol

i still dont know the names of the chars. the gf can be rose but idk the mc's name. i was thinking kendra to rip off twokinds lol

but i dont want to do that any longer

jun 16 2019

I woke up to my alarm at 7:20 and that was kinda exciting, I quickly did some shits on Discord then ran downstairs and helped mom make father's day brunch. It turned out okay. The monkeybread was chewy which was no fun, but meninite butterhorn rolls heated to ~200 f = MMM. also pancakes are good! also bacon is amazing!

last night i made a trello board for day-day stuff. as in clean room, grab mystery box, et al. this keeps me on track in order to get shit done. will talk about it more as i begin to do things later today.

god i started today doing caps lmao

ok so i've been standing up and moving around and yay and it was fun and all the sudden father bursts into my room and is like "wanna drive"


so i drove a car for the first time. i mean i've kept my age under wraps for a while now but there's no way i'm getting thru this w/o mentioning it once. so there you go, real ez hint.

speaking of that, 8 days until b-day!!!

that's super exciting!~

dad uh, grounded? annie. as in, she's not allowed back into furry stuff. at least until further notice. so that's weird, apparently "she was being a bitch". jarrek brings it up and then says talking makes him angrier? like tf? ok then.

anyway not gonna let someone else's being pissed off harsh my vibes today, i've been super happy lol. cleaned up my room plenty, backpack is now cleaned out so i can see if it'll be fit for syr.

i finally got hue on my watch to work, along with downloading a few more of those adulting apps like uber and travel apps.

i tested linux mint on distrotest.net and it was nice. about to test manjaro (KDE version) and Debian, though i hear debian is hard to install? maybe?

debian 9.9.0 is kinda really ugly actually. it just had a fancy looking wallpaper which made me want it. i'd honestly try it if it works out of the box w/ whatpulse installation though.

finally, manjaro 18 kde... its either this or ubuntu. or i guess try deepin again lol, but i care about privacy and i dont trust a chinese os. not racist if it's supported by facts and knowledge :sunglasses: :benshapiro:

as it turns out, manjaro is actually pretty good but i want to test it on a live install tester, see if i can whatpulse it. if not, ubuntu it is.

unless arch linux turns out okay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i just got the want to eat some of the ice cream mom and i made lol

anyway, arch. distrotest.net was being a bitch and it took like an hour+ in queue just to not work. so i'll live-boot arch and manjaro and if neither are any good, then ubuntu.

fuck i accidentally published this

i dont know if you guys realized but the background is a parallaxing gay rainbow and i fucking love it

ok now i can publish fr

jun 15 2019

i've been thinking recently about furry stuff. its mostly a venting server and its really annoying, i agree w/ cat. i can't stand saying good morning then someone being like "actually, it hasn't been good. my father abused me, mom mom kicked me out, i was victim to a few rapes, my SOs broke up with me." like seriously calm tf down, there's a venting channel. i honestly want to ask jarrek if i can tell people to fuck off and go there when they vent in general because it seriously is really fucking annoying to not be able to have an entire convo in general without someone being like "hey i know you two are talking about something nice but can i interject with some depressing shit because i haven't had enough attention in this two-way dialogue." i hate it so much.

anyway there's more to talk about today i kinda was busy. so father and i went to best-buy and we got a sound bar and some extra speakers and 2 apple tvs. it was neat ig.

after we set up those speakers, him and i setup my new desk. the damn thing is heavy as fuck. also the monitor stand and cable management shits have yet to come in sadly but we're working on it. the thing is huge as well. 6 feet long means it can hold my computer as well as everything i had been holding with even more space, plus the monitor stands make it even more space then that, and if i also get the ergodox that means i dont have to worry about the stupid armrests on the chair i have.

oh and also, that desk is a standing desk with memory .^

so happy, i am.

mom, father, gray, and myself all tested the ice creams. the second batch came in 4th place because it didn't even exist lol, the 1st came in 3rd, blue bell came in 2nd, and the third batch came in 1st place because it was basically infused with the essence of oreos.


anyway so today was pretty damn nice actually. apparently that desk was my "big gift" and it was like 900 fuckin dollars so its still possible, i guess, that i got RAM or the ergodox or something, that would be very nice. i've been basically running out of both ram and cpu and it's hard to type with this new chair but a standing desk with a more ergonomic keeb would be very cash money

jun 14 2019

10 days yeet

so recently i've been having thoughts about leaving louie. like a lot of them. like as in, maybe this would make me happy. i think deep inside, i'm not actually that happy. i don't know. maybe i'm missing the physical. i dont fucking know but its here and i wanted to mention it as that's sorta what this journaling is for...

so today was boring i spent 3 and almost a half hours cooking with mom. she had made an ice cream that actually turned out okay, and was about to make another. it did not turn out well at all. we scrambled the eggs when we were tempering them. yikes. also she made cookies that ended up not cooking for some reason, really weird stuff there.

after that i went upstairs and into my room and just watched random shit on youtube and jerked off and watched youtube and all that. also watched episode 1 of the jetsons, or a bit of it. 1968 or whatever. really old, and it shows. still a few years off from it tho .^

so the uhm, the frame of my desk (bday present) kinda... arrived... and i wasn't supposed to know. i mean i already knew i'm getting the onesie and that i'm not getting the chair and that father's bringing one from his place this weekend when he comes home. in less than 30 minutes actually. no desktop yet tho, that i know of. also two other gifts. one's about the size of a smaller gpu box, the other is very large and i've got no clue what would be on my list that could fit in there except maybe the ronin? perhaps? idfk. maybe its a giant box with tesla keys in it :3

well, it'd be the card that opens it but you know what i mean. or i guess you could buy a normal key... mostly is phone operated tho.

my eyes are itchy grrr

jun 13 2019

so i was charging my headphones overnight and they went from probably 5%, maybe less...

to 87%. not 100. 87!!! how the actual fuck!!!!

i woke up at 7:55 too, somehow. i guess i'm staying up later and later as the summer progresses lol, and waking up later too.

i'm super tired right now too. i think i only woke up because my body wanted me up before 8

i dont have the energy to do anything even after drinking and shit. maybe i need to eat? idk

when will alie realize i dont give a fuck about her sona/form and


this is just like school, i can't stop getting catered to like a 6-yr-old. i fucking hate it and it gives me anxiety.

why can't my room be cold again why is it 75 fucking degrees

why am i having a headache

why am i anxious

goddamnit this day is terrible already

i will be so fucking pissed if the at&t guy has to deal with painters. i hope the painters finish quick but i fucking doubt it

so att came real early and mom and him and i figured it all out. so they aren't even going to run the wire today, it'll be a few, if not weeks ;-;

they'll text father a day before, he says.

sonic's shakes are sub-par, their fries are good, not the best, popcorn chicken is mmm pretty good.

i found out today that the ergodox ez that i want doesn't exactly have software-controlled rgb. i mean it's like the shitty rgb keyboards where they have dedicated buttons, except you can modify the buttons and there's 32 layers. assuming 100 keys, that's 3200 possibly rgb settings lmao. there are, however, no color-shifting options.

ok so for dinner i ate some easy-mac and then made fries but i wasn't hungry enough so i couldn't eat them all then i got really sick afterwards so yeah

jun 12 2019

so yesterday's post was like from 8555 to 9431 words which is insane. almost 1k words in one post lol. anyway that's exciting. i found out this asmr channel i watch with this cute wolfychu or senzawa-voiced girl is actually just a guy, presumably with a voice changer. so. that's neat.


sorry i'm kidding i want lou's kids in my throat. but i wouldnt mind if rekken y'know

took me by surprise and fucked me hard then gave me warm cuddles afterwards.

anyway so idk what i want to do today. not much i have to do lol. i may finish the 25 more nt races so i hit 100/200 i want, i may not. i may work on tori x masaru. actually i'll probably do that then work on the google invasion chapter :3

i uh

did none of that. i just did rps and watched youtube. at desk tho so thats nice

neighbors got a husky-shepherd mix pup. so. damn. cute.

i made some very gay indeed pride phone wallpapers. gay, trans, pan. they're pretty nice actually ^

jun 11 2019

so today the cleaner is coming again >:(

i fucking hate that and it only happens every other week but i hate it so much i'm glad she made it not every week

anyway this means i'll have to go downstairs for most of the day (10/11-15/16), though hopefully that time is spent in the playroom where i can be alone. tho there isnt a food source in there, but you can just walk out and walk back in. it seems no one else minds my spot in there on days like today. though tbf saw can drive, gray doesn't mind being out in the open watching gilmore girls or whatever tf. i love privacy. i love being in my lil space where i can ~~jerk off~~ talk on discord w/o fear of being stalked. like last time, remember, i got nueds from matthew? if i was in the open i'd've been freaked right tf out.

i just realized it wouldn't be as bad now that i'm not watching house but i guess it'd be boring either way. hours of not being able to really jerk off or anything. i guess being in the playroom is still far better because i'd be able to close all the windows, have one headphone off, then get to self-pleasure. though to be completely fair here, my balls aren't looking loose enough to handle a jerk off that early.

sidenote idk if its just my prepubescent (i'm kidding but maybe?) balls that seem like they haven't dropped yet but the most i can cum is like... once. then my cock gets too sensitive and loads get too small for a while. usually my loads are tiny to begin with. sometimes literally nothing comes out. often my balls are so drawn into my body that i just can't jerk off because it feels so weird. sometimes it's flat to my shaft. like it's literally... i probably have a condition honestly.

update here: saw decided to take the playroom for herself this time like a bitch >:(

to be fair, she's doing a test or something, maybe she'll move out to where she BELONGS soon.

apparently something is wrong with louie's penis, i asked what it was but he hasn't told me yet.

also the painter is here and they can see thru the windows uwu, so i can't look at porn at all right now. i mean im paranoid af but like this is a reasonable fear lmfao

why is it that everytime i do something weird, someone walks by. like i'll be minding my own business, then a funny joke goes on screen, i laugh right as saw is going from the kitchen to the playroom, or i mouth along, or change position. i'm awkward as fucking shit and i hate it and i'm starving and gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i don't think it's a secret that i don't like being watched, and the fact that this fucking team of painters is invading this house with all the doors opened is just pissing me off. not only do i have to be downstairs, there's people everywhere. i'm insecure as shit anyway. i don't need people watching me 24/7.

wait why am i journaling then


so why do painters decide to bring the whole damn family along when they're doing their thing

like literally i hear kids, i heard a baby a few times today, they bring the whole crew shit's crazy doggggggg

oh and it's 2:50, jojo and annette are both doing their thing and they're still not done lmfao

3:20 and still here

last time it took until 4:30 but it was just jojo i think?

it's now 3:50 and her car is still right fuckin there

it's hot down here, mostly because the door is open in 26 degree weather. it isn't that bad and its only 40% humidity, actually been good but i'd rather it be 22 or below... it also sucks that babies are crying and people are talkin and unlike matilda, nothing is just going quiet to luck me out YES

god my phone is the slowest thing on fucking earth. it took like 30 seconds to load a weather app. an iphone x, mind you. i should do a fresh re-install.


well she left before 4:00 for sure but

anyway thats nice

its so nice and cool

i can take my pants off

i can jerk off

i can act awkward and no one know

its. 22 in here which is great

just the noises of painters outside my windows pisses me off lmfao








ok this is for sure my longest post now

i really need a new phone lmao, maybe the pixel 4, or s10, or oppo reno x or whatever the fuck that thing is called. i'd say the huwaei mate p30 or whatever the new one is, but yeah... no. can't do that, not in this country!

june 10 2019

so today was kinda nice. i had muffins for breakfast and i got a nice load when i jerked off and i rp'd with annie and i talked with ash... she wanted jarvasion. i gave it to her since jarrek was fine with giving it. downloaded porn for the first time in like a week. my room is super hot and humid and grrrrr

so mal and i were fucking around in the nt server because there's a new messaging system that awards nt$ for talking and nes muted me but not mal. fucking double standards

i say as i get unmuted lol rip

we're gonna eat homemade pizza tonight so in other words

i'm eating fries tonight :p



june 8 2019

so today we went to the bank and added dad to my thingimabobber and set up online banking. ate at brick and spoon. it was good, i ate 2 gigantic pancakes, bacon, fries, and 2 ben-yays.
no clue how to spell that.





father and i went out to memphis which was nice, we looked at porsches, found one that we sorta liked but it had a red interior lol

we're gonna have saw's b-day today btw

so we had saw's b-day and it sucked i just ate fries then no cake then played taboo