alisaaaaaa

@alisa

hi, my name is alisa. i'm a transgender girl trying to figure my life out. this blog contains explicit content, including explicit language, descriptions of depression, and my deepest secrets. reader discretion is heavily advised.

3,871 words

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may 20 2019

woke up and figured out how to control my hues with my pc. would have to switch to pc in order to control it with my laptop, or find a port of the app for linux.

theres a possibility that the lights on my ceiling can be hue'd if they're e26 or e12, i think...

i think they may be e26 or something like that. which would mean my whole damn room can be bright fucking pink

finished season 2 of house, working on season 3. today's been mostly fine. had garlic knots for breakfast and i've been burping, but no sweaty ass or painful groin or anything. just a bit irritable. tmrw is my english exam. the day after gray gets back from school... it'll be painful.

i ordered five guys at 4:30 or so. it's 5:16 and this "slight delay" is pushing it to 5:40 arrival. the bullshit thing is i lose whatever the fuck a promotion is if i do cancel so i'm stuck here waiting on food that probably will never arrive. texted mom about it, she has yet to respond.

she responded, said to make bread and cheese or shells and cheese, and to let them auto-cancel. i'm getting psychotic over this. i'm having cravings for 5 guys and i can't get them fufilled with mac n cheese. fuckin grr

headphones just ran out of battery so i guess i'm forced to go make food now. fuck

may 19 2019

today wasn't anything too special. i vowed that i would organize some porn in my folder, but then didn't. instead i played around with some new phillips hue lights and now my room is fuckin pink (against father's wishes.)

louie apologized for being defensive over something yesterday which confused me more than offended me but i accepted it because i know where he is coming from. him and i talked for a bit and it was nice.

trent was banned from the server finally, so thats something. he's always been kinda annoying and just scraping past rule-breaking.

figured out how to batch-download hundreds of pornhub videos with one terminal command. pretty amazing. soon i'll have all the porn from PH and all the yiff from E621. the world will be, pornographically-speaking, mine!

almost spent my own money today on those lights and the lightstrip but was able to not, so i'm gonna save up. probably for mega.nz or standard notes extended .^

i've had that weird pain in my groin all day today, the kind that the internet says could be testicular cancer.

that would also explain the occasional headaches i get when i get off (not happening anymore- perhaps is just a benign tumor that only shows up every now and then). wouldn't explain why my balls are tiny tho.

at some point i'm gonna have to talk to mom about getting that fixed, seeing a doctor for- not only discussing srs, but also talking about the weird sexual things... as long as mom is comfortable with me masturbating which honestly... she might not be.

at some point i'm gonna need her alone again to talk about a therapist.

almost finished season 2 of house, and it's only my second day on this season.. at this rate, i'll finish the show in 2 weeks. then ill go back to DitF or something.

still haven't found that coming-out paper, either.

recently i made my wallpaper on my phone solid pink to emphasize my gayness(tm)

every few days i just manage to write more than others. its weird how one day i only have time to write 5 sentences then a few days later i can handle writing... well, this.

sometimes i just let my thoughts spill out onto the page. also more happened today than on some other days i guess.

update as i go to bed: the pain in my groin subsides after orgasm

may 18 2019

after consideration, i think i want to be a radiologist again. it's not the work-from-home paradise that i always imagined with louie but you make hella money for analyzing tests and giving diagnoses. it would be fun, i think... i'm just glad i didn't do anything stupid about my previous infatuation with being a teacher, heh...

father got some CFA for me for some reason, maybe he just wanted me to shut up, idfk.

oh, and minecraft 10 year thingy was boring af...

starting to realize something. i dont feel better because i'm actually getting better, i'm just getting used to it. i'm used to being ignored and all this shit.

so that's interesting

got a new cable for porn transfer right from the internet to the hard drive... 2 meters! that's over 6 feet! i know you're impressed.

mostly been watching house today....

boring.

also, working on downloading all of furry porn site e621. well, its furry as far as i know but maybe not. thats what i'm there for tho.

may 17 2019

had that party, got the catering, it all went smoothly. day was good, all in all... watched a shit ton of house after i checked out of school (yay!!)

went to the orthodontist as well. ~~he gave me 3 weeks to live~~

kidding he said i should brush harder. what a surprise.

... is what i thought would happen and wrote in advance. turns out he thinks my brushing is going great and i'll get my braces off by the end of summer.

may 16 2019

took the ap world test today, felt like shit on it. forgot my pencils even. shit was littttttttttttt

still hate bio class lmao

may 15 2019

woke up earlier than i should've today, but i managed to quickly fall back asleep. woke up after at 6:15- not bad, terribly horny since i didn't jack off last night, so i fixed that quickly then got dressed and went downstairs.

after adding "find coming out paper" to the trello board i'm now using for everything and hoping is secure (they claim aes-256 bit encryption i believe, but it's fine because technically any data they harvest is for someone named 'ali' not... well, my name.)

btw, trello 2fa uses text messages, not googleauth/authy, which i found weird and didn't do. because obvious reasons.

whap test is tmrw and i really could be more excited about it. i've got a 95 in there rn because he put in a bullshit 0 for an assignment that i turned in, just not through proper channels i guess.

have an 87 in eng btw, making my term average an 89 making... it keep me from a 4.0 forever. i guess a 3.9 is just about as good... right?

since he wasn't here yesterday i couldn't talk to him about it but if i remember i may do it today. but it's not like it matters. it wont affect a "4.0" since i'll still have an A no matter what, and to be fair i didn't follow instructions correctly.

still though... the test is tmrw in there and that isn't fun. all of the history of the world and my only review, i bet, will be "the history of the entire world, i guess" by bill wurtz because fuck you, it's better than nothing.

better than just watching house i guess.

also starting to become a trello poweruser which is fun.

bringing a charging cord with me to school today so i can use phone at full brightness and shit.

//its fun to rant here, it makes it seem like i'm interesting//

/which i'm not/

after reading two stories and answering ~10 questions for each of them in english class, we were done for... ever...

1 hour 10 minutes left after i had done that, which is ungodly.

aidan's been slapping my thighs more and it gives me such an exhileration... makes me fluster and all... i love it.

second block was talking about the party on friday (i'm bringing some chips and CFA catering)

third block i'm having an anxiety attack right now. johny won't stop flicking a paper football and going behind me while i'm just trying to rp with louie (WHICH HE NEVER DOES AND THIS IS LIKE ONCE A YEAR OPPORTUNITY SO FUCK JOHNY) and everyon'es talking and its loud and grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

now lou's afk and isn't responding 0.0

i just hate johny can't mind his own fucking business
i hate how ryan can't handle a simple discord raid
i hate how ari is doing weird-ass accents for no reason

i
hate
this
class

and we'll have work in goggans today

thank god mom is coming home, but she'll just beg for me to talk about the boring af awards ceremony last night.

it's so loud
the greatest showman is a terrible movie, i can hear how bad it is
it's like the same damn song over and over so people get it stuck in their heads and have to listen over
and over
and over.

on the bright side louie is being lewd and i'm being dominant so that's fun... if he was active atm, that is. i may just start watching some house rn, something to distract me from all this annoying bs.

im on the verge of tears.

if i were at home, i'd be on the verge of cutting again, i've lost my will to live, at least for now. i'm pissed off and i've got a headache and i just want
quiet.
and louie.
<3

i'm sad i only have 20 more minutes to ride out this rp before i switch classes and he probably won't want to do it anymore.

i'm exempt from bio, which makes sense. i haven't missed a day and my term avg is 100.

geom was far better luckily. was busy doing real work.

told ian about my age after he confessed his, also about ser., etc. made me feel great, off his chest too.

may 14 2019

Found out I was in the awards night, which is tonight. I may not be able to go. I don't really want to anyway.

Also internet speed is so shit that it takes up to a minute to send a discord msg, ffs.

First block was basically just discord all block. finished work quickly.

second block, we had a sub so i finished an episode of house after my work

third block i watched another episode

fourth, half of another.

got (or tied for) the highest act in my class apparently. 29 was the highest :3

also got a math student of the month thing.

today was boring.

also i lost my coming out paper :(

may 13 2019

today was very insanely boring. took a test in first block, reviewed in second, headphones ran out in third so i was the big bored.

i found my blog on the listed homepage. praying to god that no one i know on discord looks at listed... or i'm fucked.

well, louie's fucked.

but he'd like that?

no he wouldn't you shush.

installed betterdiscord on pop! os today as well, got a shit ton of plugins, etc.

it's fine because i'm using a computer w/ 16 gigs of ram.

in third block today we watched the goonies which is the WORST FUCKING MOVIE I'VE EVER HEARD.

and i do say heard. i didn't "watch" it, i just heard the passionate screaming every other minute. it's so stupid. what's the point. steven spielberg's worst movie, 0/10.

FUCK THIS SLOW SHITTY HOTSPOT I CAN'T DO JACK SHIT RIGHT NOW. LOADING A FUCKING IMAGE IS TAKING WAY TOO LONG.

this class pisses me off.

they all do.

why do they care what i'm doing on my damn computer.

i'm legit having a mental and emotional breakdown and i'm hungry and i cant write about it because no one is giving me privacy.

meanwhile ian is having a breakdown because someone sent him rape porn and y'know...

he's a victim of rape so...

if I were at home right now there would be a new cut on one of my limbs rn. fuck.

but this wouldn't happen at home because it's quieter there.

got to geometry and we did a short easy project so that was nice.

FUCK YOU FUCK YES I GOT THE PORN DRIVE BACK! IT WAS JUST A FAILED CABLE!

i'm gonna try to remember to do monthly backups from now on... i might also do a second set of backups on the drobo in the closet. some 2.25 tb i think... could also try to upgrade that to something bigger, or, even better...

JUST GET A FUCKING MEGA.NZ SUBSCRIPTION

thank you for your time.

may 12 2019

another (weekend day) (passes)

and another one down and another one down

...

i really don't do jack shit on the weekends. had chicken biscuits for breakfast, tenders for lunch, and idk what i'll have for dinner... possibly nothing but we all know that's bullshit. what am i at, 200 lbs?

wasn't able to make the gift for louie because i'm lazy... still don't know how long it'll take to print out. instead i've shot some porn to give him tmrw to compensate ;3

literally just watched john oliver today, also fapped like 4 times. i should take up a hobby. i guess it's better than watching netflix, here i'm actually learning something.

reminds me to try again to sign into netflix...

couldn't figure it out. asking father for help with it and hulu while i'm here. though i did find out avengers: infinity war is on netflix which is lit.

i'm storing lemonade that you're apparently not supposed to put in a metal container...

in a metal container.

it's fine though, since i'm drinking it quickly enough i guess.

test in english tmrw for god knows why. it makes no sense that she'd schedule a test. she knows no one wants to go. so stupid.

anyway father got back to me and i'm in hulu and netflix now.

fuck you when i run out of john oliver i've got MHA and how it's made to watch

also IW but shush

i guess that's it for today... nothing much happened. wasn't bad by any means though. didn't try to injure or kill myself, barely had the thought. i was too busy almost perpetually masturbating hehe

may 11 2019

today was boring because it's a weekendday.

i roleplayed

i ate breakfast

did more roleplay

found out gigabit won't be available for another 2+ weeks

basically my day was boring and you don't really need to know much about it but i said i'm gonna do this every day for a while and damnit weekends count.

inb4 blog shut down for profanity

may 10 2019

today's friday so that's good i guess. not too much notable happened today. used a shit ton of my hotspot because i did nothing in class... as of recent that's bgigabeen the norm i guess.

english was just goofing off on wikipedia and discord, also researching routers, esp. wifi 6 capable ones

whap was just more of that, but after i finished a test and w/o discord because ppl are behind me in there

bio was just discording and internet fucking around as well because i dont have my binder with me to organize

geometry was a quick assignment then i was able to fuck around for 40 minutes.

got home, ate dinner once father got here, all around today just wasn't too exciting.

tmrw gigabit should be getting installed... and i'm gonna try again to convince father to try a router instead of this complex mesh networking because fuck orbis

except the fact they give me stronger wifi because i am using ethernet and their huge wifi reciever shit

idk.

may 9 2019

I woke up today early at like 4:40 but went back to sleep. woke up again at 6:20. mom had left Stella outside which made life easier. listened to music all morning. amy (my ride) was late. I was almost late for bio test. made it. test was easy.

rest of day was just playing on my computer. total boredom...

got home, took stella out, ended up having to backwash the pool, talked to father about wi-fi...

sara (babysitter for this week) got me chick-fil-a and i ate it up. she brought her boyfriend for some damn reason. maybe she wanted the dicc in the bed here? idk man.

earlier i promised louie that i'd give him a gift (which will be a vid of me sucking a 3d-printed dildo wearing my new girl's hoodie because it'll be cute. i'll set up a camera and everything.) might be on sunday since saturday is new net day and i can't really film porn while father is on my ass.

may 8 2019

i started today doing damage control to my very depressed msg to louie last night. by the end of that, i was actually pretty happy and up-mooded. that's good. the night before, as i explained to lou, was just dogshit. i would've killed myself if i really wanted to. now i feel like i'm crazy (~3:00 pm the next day)

i also took a shower so mom could take a pic of me after school for the summer camp... they need a super specific picture, but i can see why i guess. harder to get into this camp than to take the act...

after that, packing lunch and not having any of the whales crackers i normally eat, i just packed ruffles...

as far as school, well hiding a huge cut on my arm is always something. first block went away without a hitch. got to talk on discord a lot because i'm just that good... or something.

second block was mostly pure lecture... ap world is only so fun. we also played some quizizz at the end, i got like 4th or so lmao

after a quiz in bio, third block, got a 91, talking on discord, the table played the same boardgame but this time i just read the cards since i didn't want to not do that.

fourth block i have done nothing thus far. the teacher in here is incompetent as far as using her time wisely so i've just RPd, which i am finding some more fun in today than yesterday, worked on setting up the Listed blog, published yesterday's journal post... which i may regret. after all, i regretted the tumblr. but this is better since i'm actually telling about everything not just the low points.

speaking of which, finally deleted the tumblr just now. which is brilliant. crossed it off the to-do as well.

i'm super hungry. still is ~3:00 btw. prolly gonna get food on the way home unless mom is fine to go out somewhere

at some point i wanna convince her to use "alisa" around the house. if she already knows i'm trans it shouldn't be that much to ask. obviously not in public though.

got a girl's hoodie monday which i'm wearing today. it's got cut-outs for fingers. it's meant to help keep hands warm if youre running and it's cold but i'm using it to be cute. it was $8 so fuck you if you don't think that's a good deal.

davis tried to join the "Boiz" today, ari wasn't happy. johny took ryan's phone and kicked him. he thinks she overreacted. she knows she's overreacted too. it's funny. tea.

4:40 update says I've broken the internet and I'm pissed/suicidal again, almost cut again. this is all pissing me off and I can't stand it. I'm starving and just want to eat and have working fucking internet. I can barely type. I just want to curl up and cry. this week I swear to god.

meanwhile mom talks with saw about bs and with orkin about bs.

8:00 we went to dinner and then i fixed the wifi and

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE WE'RE GETTING GIGABIT ON SATURDAYfasdflkasdfkljasdf;lkj

port forwarded in less than 5 minutes on the comcast router.

may 7 2019

Today started pretty normal. Mom wanted me to shower, I didn't oblige, I came down a bit later than usual but it was all good. She had to proctor the English II test so I had to outrun her so I didn't walk into campus with her.

By the end of First Block, I'm pretty hungry but have eaten something to stifle that.

By the end of 2nd block i didn't really want to participate in any rps or anything. i was apathetic.

by the end of third i was kinda meh. we did some board game and i came second to last. got mocked because i didn't get every question right like people expect out of me.

fourth was the same, took a test, felt like i did shit on it, etc.

i got home and ate dinner then kim (my babysitter for a bit next week) came over to get a feel for the place or whatever

we talked for over an hour about random shit. i eventually got lightheaded and had to leave from (my dogs) stella and shep being cunts.

i got upstairs and began work on port forwarding. my head was already spinning with confusion and tiredness and stress when i started.

by the time i gave up, i had cut myself in a violent fit, thrown my glasses across my room, almost breaking them, and contemplated suicide.

i hate computers because they never fucking work.

today's cut was really big. jarrek (a good friend, saved me from suicide multiple times) says the way i did it is dangerous but never said how dangerous, just that it wouldn't kill me. i said that's a good thing because i'd rather die by throwing myself off my balcony.

"Oh Sweetheart" is really all he can say to that.

note to past self: it seems crazy. you're in your first therapy session and think it'd be crazy that you'd've planned your suicide. now it seems normal to me.

/notetopastself

note to future self: when you go to therapy, be honest. don't cover up the online friends, or anything. be as transparent as you can about everything you think about and the things that could influence it. talk about louie (my boyfriend) even. she's not here to judge you or tell mom. you have to trust her, or at least say "fuck it" and tell her.

/notetofutureself

me, today at 7:23 pm, to louie, edited for formatting:
i dont understand why you like me. i'm fucking worthless to society; i'm ugly and fat and unmotivated and will get nowhere, just fucking break up with me already... dont waste your time trying to fix me; your negative reinforcement obviously wasnt enough... i love you, i really really do, but i'm not worth going thru all of the trouble to love me back... plus you promised you would. i regret it, i do, but nothing in my life is working today so i had to do it. i want to end my life once and for all. to end my pain and make life easier for others

in conclusion i'm sad. today's my first journal entry. i did it because i want to, maybe in the future trace back why a day was so bad. today... i just don't know. i think all the rps and pressure to port forward got to me. and the fact it didn't work.