Today started pretty normal. Mom wanted me to shower, I didn't oblige, I came down a bit later than usual but it was all good. She had to proctor the English II test so I had to outrun her so I didn't walk into campus with her.
By the end of First Block, I'm pretty hungry but have eaten something to stifle that.
By the end of 2nd block i didn't really want to participate in any rps or anything. i was apathetic.
by the end of third i was kinda meh. we did some board game and i came second to last. got mocked because i didn't get every question right like people expect out of me.
fourth was the same, took a test, felt like i did shit on it, etc.
i got home and ate dinner then kim (my babysitter for a bit next week) came over to get a feel for the place or whatever
we talked for over an hour about random shit. i eventually got lightheaded and had to leave from (my dogs) stella and shep being cunts.
i got upstairs and began work on port forwarding. my head was already spinning with confusion and tiredness and stress when i started.
by the time i gave up, i had cut myself in a violent fit, thrown my glasses across my room, almost breaking them, and contemplated suicide.
i hate computers because they never fucking work.
today's cut was really big. jarrek (a good friend, saved me from suicide multiple times) says the way i did it is dangerous but never said how dangerous, just that it wouldn't kill me. i said that's a good thing because i'd rather die by throwing myself off my balcony.
"Oh Sweetheart" is really all he can say to that.
note to past self: it seems crazy. you're in your first therapy session and think it'd be crazy that you'd've planned your suicide. now it seems normal to me.
note to future self: when you go to therapy, be honest. don't cover up the online friends, or anything. be as transparent as you can about everything you think about and the things that could influence it. talk about louie (my boyfriend) even. she's not here to judge you or tell mom. you have to trust her, or at least say "fuck it" and tell her.
me, today at 7:23 pm, to louie, edited for formatting:
i dont understand why you like me. i'm fucking worthless to society; i'm ugly and fat and unmotivated and will get nowhere, just fucking break up with me already... dont waste your time trying to fix me; your negative reinforcement obviously wasnt enough... i love you, i really really do, but i'm not worth going thru all of the trouble to love me back... plus you promised you would. i regret it, i do, but nothing in my life is working today so i had to do it. i want to end my life once and for all. to end my pain and make life easier for others
in conclusion i'm sad. today's my first journal entry. i did it because i want to, maybe in the future trace back why a day was so bad. today... i just don't know. i think all the rps and pressure to port forward got to me. and the fact it didn't work.