may 28 2019

woke up with a big headache today, which sucked very much. cleaned my room up a shit ton. when the cleaner comes, i am ready to go downstairs and watch house on the tv while sorting porn on my laptop and talking/RPing on discord. that is, if no one takes the playroom before i do, but i should be first. i wont have to wake up when she gets here. if i'm not, no worries, there's the den and the living room for me as well. just no tv in the den. for some reason people aren't as big on RPs early in the morning, i'm assuming school is still in session for many of my friends. louie is about to get shitfaced drunk with his friend freddie, so that's neat. i've never even had a sip of wine and my boyfriend is finna drink out of a stash of 30 'items'. europe is very interesting. i hope i see mom alone some time today so i can work with her on the counseling. i really want to get that scheduled, because i keep thinking about how much i'll improve when i dont lie to my therapist or withhold information, as i promised to myself in the first entry here 20 days ago. don't get your hopes up, but at 100 days, i'm going to post all of my earlier thoughts if i remember, and i should. basically it's shorter entries, only from days when i felt bad enough to have to enter, which ranges from every day at some points to going a week between them later on. sidenote: how the fuck is it not even 9 AM and i've got a whole-ass paragraph in here...

yesterday i forgot to blog about many things so here:
yesterday, i began work on a short x tall person fanfic (non-furry) and got all the way to the smut. it seems like i have trouble writing smut now, that i don't want to or that it's too boring. the best way to power through would to make a story revolve around that sex but then it just seems like a cheap oneshot or whatever. i dunno, there's a lot of stuff i'm writing that i'm not posting anywhere which isn't helping anyone.

i also sorted out my trello to have a 'lewd' card stack, including my porn downloading to-dos, as well as my porno creating to-dos, owo indeed.

i forget when, it wasn't yesterday, but recently louie gave me a list of animes to watch so i added those to my trello. i also recently added getting a blow-dryer and to buy something with my $25 amazon gift card. at some point i need to save more real money because i have like... $87 or something, not enough to buy much cool shit quite yet. idk what i'm saving up for. perhaps $150 to buy extended for this app. idk.

yesterday i also added the to-do of shaving twice a week. ian says it takes him 20 minutes and he does it every other day or something, which is insane but he has an incredibly smooth back so i guess it's worth it. he's hella cute.

back to today: added downloading those opened e6 pages that were annoying me to the 'lewd' cardstack on trello.

my fanfic is really stacking up and i should, at some point, start writing some of them. i want to write something with louie and i but idk how i'd do that.

also, added sheri blossom, a furry bot, to remnants, hope ppl dont mind uwu

goddamnit i just made this my longest post, kinda cheating tho if you ask me.

watched house on the tv today. got so fucking horny while talking with matthew. hes supposed to be my brother and i got nudes... too slutty for my own good.

this bitch took until 4:30 to finally fucking clean the upstairs of the damn house. wtf is wrong with her, it's never taken past 4, and usually is even quicker. like tf.

sidenote: 4k upscaling must be really fucking good. i can notice a difference in quality between house on the tv and house on my laptop (only 1080p). maybe its distance, idk.

ate a basic dinner bam bam whatever

i'm super thirsty right now, good thing i have water in here. cold water. warm water = very bad.

update: i'm getting so close to finally doing something. probably a combination of cuts and starving myself because all i can fucking feel is pain and boredom. i need something to do with my life, something that can make me feel fuller. if that means being empty i don't mind. as far as cuts go, they make me feel sure about something. i'm not sure if its that i'm doing something right or that i'm for real about...

i don't know. i'm depressed. i'm sure of that. i have to be. part of me thinks i'm doing it for attention, feels guilty whenever i talk about it, but i feel no emotion. if i'm fooling anyone, i'm also fooling myself.

everyone says starving = bad, that it is dangerous. i don't give a fuck. i don't care if i die. i really have no purpose. none of the bullshit "i can save lives" crap. i don't want to even think that's true. i want to be happy with my weight for once. i want to lose weight, not gain it. the most i've lost weight involved a fuck ton of exercise. i'm too lazy for it. ideally i'd start working out and not eat as much, perhaps when i do eat it can be healthy things. i want to be smart about this because i don't want to put myeslf in more pain than i have to. i don't know anymore. maybe i don't want to die. but it sure feels like it'd be a relief from this life, where i don't know anything about anyone. i don't even trust myself... i need to talk to louie. or jarrek. or both? i dunno. today wasn't even a bad day. it was just boring. i feel like i need more meaning. i need something more. i need good friends or a good character trait or something. right now i'm defined by house and roleplays and discord. i'm becoming a shut-in and i'm soon going to atrophy away and never be able to recover. maybe people are rightfully worried about me. i don't know. after all of this i want to cut again. i want to be in pain. do i deserve it? i'm not sure. maybe i do. all i know is that it makes me realize something deep inside me that i don't know what... this has made no sense. i'm done now. goodnight.

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