jun 23 2019

i feel directionless without louie. i'm not sure if i even want to be a doctor because now all i can think about is providing for myself and being lonely and miserable for the rest of my life because the first person i felt love with isn't mine. i'm rethinking my kinkiness and my gender identity and my weight loss goals. my life is turning into spirals now. not depressive ones, thank god. i wouldn't be able to bring myself to do anything anyway. i don't want louie to feel guilty that it's his fault, even if it partly is.

our relationship wasn't going to work out for a few reasons, the first and most obvious being the distance. that, along with the time, was a gigantic issue. i need sex. something. i can't be teased for 4+ years. if it was just a few months, it may've worked. but not years.

another reason is because his sense of humor. the punishment stuff... just makes me uncomfortable as hell and i couldn't deal with how he acts for the rest of my life sadly.

yet another reason is the fact that he doesn't want kids and probably never will. i'm deeply considering it, at least adopting some to raise from 6 or so, that way i wouldn't have to deal with the gross baby stuff.

also his accent is tough to understand sometimes. imagine me fucking him harder than ever and he's trying to say something but i can't hear it. once we're done, he's completely limp and defeated and finally manages to say in a way that i can hear "I was saying stop earlier"

that would break my heart. i hate it when i make mistakes and i know how uncomfortable that would make him feel and i don't want to do that to someone, so i have criteria for relationships now. nothing really set in stone but generally: within the US or Canada; shares my sense of humor, or lack thereof; is a dominant or at least a dom-leaning switch (another issue w/ louie: he's a sub); i feel a love-like connection with them; doesn't mind my hobbies, interests, and paranoia.

that is the last issue. he thinks i'm crazy for wanting internet privacy. i mean i'm using an encrypted notes app, i use encrypted email and my discord server is hosted on an alt in case mine gets banned for, y'know, betterdiscord and ripcord.

speaking of, i wonder if it's been updated recently.

it has, nothing major.

mom and i have been finishing up on the ice cream this morning. had to mix in 6 more oreos because for some reason the 16 we had put in earlier went to the bottom. we're about to work on the cookie dough ice cream :p

so we made it, no clue how it's gonna taste. the chunks of dough were huge and there's a lot of them so i'm under the impression that it won't be very good lol, but its whatever y'know. also fucking hell tomorrow. i've got to study!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

or read


lunch was MYO, dinner has been seemingly the same but mom may text and say she's bringing home chicken in which case yee haw lol, i ate some food but i'm still kinda hungry lol

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