Andalib

@bl33dingsun

Spiritual musings, journals and writing.

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Note 337

I really, really, loved her. But for my own sake, I have to dial it back while she can't, or won't reciprocate. If she does, I will be here. But I won't expect anything, and be open to new beginnings. But quite honestly... I'm dedicating too much attention to this, let's go elsewhere.

Tonight there was truly brotherhood at the Spire. I love these people. Opening to fellowship, even not all the way (imagine that!) makes a tangible difference in my receptivity to the spaces. The depth and connection brought by our shared experience, our vision, our openness and warmth, our love for each other, our aspiration - it was something to feel. It feels like a melting away of my high and cold astral prison, into the spreading of fellowship. The space is always there, simply need to find ways to open to it.

A powerful new moon. Once in the space, I let go of the thoughts of boredom and opened to a new depth of peripherality. The Mother principle in the darkness, a churning and depth of feeling, a yin doing. It's funny, as much as I wish I had more of my own words for it, I'm realizing how much more there is to see if I want to pick up on a fresh viewpoint. Sublimating characters - I want to feel intelligent, original and special; I also want to pierce beyond the veils of the ordinary. Something new to see in a simple new moon, even after 20 years of the work. And deep shifts and openings, powerful seeds for transformation, when we least expect them. (Although, after beating myself up for missing Tradition Night, I was gearing up to aspire for something special. Thanks for hearing my prayer.)

I want to feel the part of me that wants Barkhan Seer. It's a raw, sexual wanting, in the Dragon. It wants something to gear into, unleash its power. It's also a passive, vulnerable opening, in the heart. Passive mode, and yin mode -both present. Want to be cared for, loved, supported and held. Wanting to be saved, allowed to cry and be mollified. Both desires are present. The desire to be saved needs to be honored, but the astrality can get in the way, i.e. jumping and screaming for connection when it's already there.

I have something more to watch in the spot in my heart. A deep, vulnerable pain, feels like a wall, a jagged edge, a burning sensation. I also have something to explore, something powerful and different, something special, not entirely unfamiliar. At times my usual mode of wanting and aspiring feels like a grasping - a clenching in of the etheric that mimics the centrality of the atom. A desperate clinging to verticality, like it will abandon me. And yet I know, deeper, that it is always there. It is time to shift modes, and release this heavy, heavy burden on my neck, my back, my heart, my whole energy. Spreading down, and down, and deep, and wide, finding aspiration and strength and connection where the OMC least expects it. Taking sleep by surprise. Igniting love for the connection, for fellowship, and for brotherhood.

Man, I love writing.

If love is the answer, you’re home

It’s ... kind of weird not having intense feelings for Isabel today, when I was totally in love with her yesterday. It gets me thinking, what’s love really about? I fell in love with her, if that’s what I want to call it, within a few days of spending time together in the Holy Land. Perhaps it was accelerated by the knowledge that we won’t see each other for a very long time after those nine days together. But it didn’t feel meaningless, or like puppy love, or physical infatuation. I really cared for her (care?) and loved the time we spent together.

Some things may not have been as deep as they first appeared - the “taking care of her” dynamic gets old quickly, especially because that’s not the fullness of her. Her complaining or feeling insecure, and me offering a solution or compliment to make her feel better. That one gets old quickly, and I don’t think she truly enjoys it either. (In fairness she was feeling worse because of meds + no sleep and she won’t be on garbage acne meds for much longer, just an emotional trap to avoid. She actually held out well all things considered, it’s good seeing how she deals in a stressful sitch.)

But in the sense of patient friendship while she opens back up after being hurt (from last relationship), that feels like worthwhile giving, and not draining/annoying like the other mode. (And of course, I benefit mucho having a close friend if we get there :)) The first mode feels more “samskaric” (using that loosely) - she gets stuck in unimportant problems, I give positive feedback by making her feel good about herself (and similarly I get something out of it on a shallower level by feeling like a protective and strong male figure, and a useful/helpful “fixer”). And besides, mutually taking care of each other is great, it just felt shallow and one-sided at times (understandable as she needs time, and I probably do too).

So... do I love her? There are plenty of non-alarming reasons for the shift in how I feel. With this much physical distance and not much shared history of friendship, combined with the pain of feeling separated from someone I started to really care for, this feels like a healthier (i.e. not unnecessarily painful) emotional distance. I still look forward to staying in touch, and I’m happy when I see her messages.

But we shared a lot of special moments together in Israel, and we mutually helped each other open up in ways we’d been closed for years. It’s funny in some ways, because many of the significant ways we helped each other open were not deliberate! (Which also makes me wonder how much of our experience was really about our compatibility and not other forces at play. But I suppose if you’re compatible enough for higher forces to land, that’s pretty darn compatible [and pretty close to what I’m looking for in a relationship].)

Just the act of liking and pursuing Isabel (after merciless teasing from my family with all the looks she gave me) was an opening for me. Throwing off the old nonsense of “all Baha’i girls are boring prudes” was a minor awakening in itself. Making moves on a very attractive woman is an exciting challenge, particularly doing it naturally (lol, also helped that we met years ago as teens). Being intimately warm with someone felt special, and I felt like I quickly liked her for more than just her appearance. It was a great feeling being with someone with whom my international + privileged background doesn’t feel weird, but she’s also down to earth so I feel comfortable being my everyday self (she wasn’t some “rich European girl”). And there was enough depth of connection between us that really opened something in my heart, which when combined with the presence working on me in the holy places led me to an opening around heart center grasping and Connection. 😇

It definitely feels like more than a chance meeting, it’s a real certified “meet-cute” (lol). In all seriousness, with how much our togetherness and interactions tied into my spiritual experience in Israel, I feel there is something meaningful and special about our meeting. (I worked hard to catch the flow of time/place know-how and avoid being thrown off schedule by astrality, so there was definitely a superastral scheme at play!) Perhaps it was all just to help me open in a way I wanted to spiritually for a while, and similarly to help her heal and open) I don’t like that thought; I do want to fall in love and have a relationship with someone! Makes me upset at the gods for “just” healing me through her/using me to heal her - there’s gratitude for you. But more likely, it’s just my mind panicking; there’s no reason why spiritual opening can’t be accompanied by love blossoming. I might need to be just patient and receptive, for now.

Heartbreak

Originally written a few hours before post below.

This morning I was meditating with my right leg on top, and as often my right side’s idiosyncrasies made me shift around a lot. It was necessary, as there was strain on my knee and ankle, and my leg was going dead, but it still pulled me out of the space and my atom, and I’ve been feeling rather thick headed and disconnected today. Probably some grasping behind this on some level, as I saw in one IST. It’s interesting what a difference the alignment from deep meditation makes to my energy and emotion levels. I feel sleepy in the head and de-centered, and it’s an etheric effort to tune in to the fountains above. The energy feels sucked out of my entire body, despite getting enough sleep, and my desire to move and be alive is lacking. And I am particularly anguished at my removal from Isabel, courtesy of no wifi. I have to work much harder to find something to enjoy in life, which is so necessary to be present without it being a painful effort of grunt will. Hence I keep turning to making music as it feels like a place I can be active and spread/merged at the same time. I often feel too lackadaisical, almost a depression on some level, to tune in above, but it’s simply harder to access. There’s a learning somewhere here. Something about the yearning for Isabel and the yearning to be connected feels similar, and so does the broken-ness.

Additional entry, five days later

Feeling this simultaneous, superimposed longing for human and divine love felt quite visionful. Both are felt in the heart, but missing the human love (in this early stage) feels rooted in the belly and the Dragon, while the need for divine love feels more from the higher centers. Yet both feel incomplete, somehow, when not felt both above and below. Leading to love is Love, perhaps. (Later reflection, after events of Monday and Tuesday - yes indeed, I can feel divine yearning in the Dragon and love for someone in the column. Not at all mutually exclusive, and not as different as it felt.)

Some quotes from the first two of Baha’s Seven Valleys, SEARCH and LOVE (the first excerpt by way of older texts) feel quite apt to describe both feelings. Really, I’m starting to feel that the best way to read Baha’s prayers are as Love poems, filled with longing for God - hence the description of God as the Inaccessible, Impenetrable, magnificently mysterious. You get to know Her and you just can’t stop, She’s more and more wonderful and enigmatic as you delve deeper.

“One must judge of search by the standard of the Majnun of Love. It is related that one day they came upon Majnun sifting the dust, and his tears flowing down. They said, "What doest thou?" He said, "I seek for Layli." They cried, "Alas for thee! Layli is of pure spirit, and thou seekest her in the dust!" He said, "I seek her everywhere; haply somewhere I shall find her."” (p. 6)

“The true seeker hunteth naught but the object of his quest, and the lover hath no desire save union with his beloved.” (p. 7)

“In every face, he seeketh the beauty of the Friend; in every country he looketh for the Beloved. He joineth every company, and seeketh fellowship with every soul, that haply in some mind he may uncover the secret of the Friend, or in some face he may behold the beauty of the Loved One.” (p. 7)

I definitely felt more committed searching for her in between wifi stints when I asked people I knew could help. Engaging will, forgetting embarrassment. Why save face, when there’s a face I want to see? 😁

"And if, by the help of God, he findeth on this journey a trace of the traceless Friend, and inhaleth the fragrance of the long-lost Joseph from the heavenly messenger, he shall straightway step into THE VALLEY OF LOVE and be dissolved in the fire of love. In this city the heaven of ecstasy is upraised and the world-illuming sun of yearning shineth, and the fire of love is ablaze; and when the fire of love is ablaze, it burneth to ashes the harvest of reason.” (p. 8)

Funny enough, I did smell her perfume when I was at the Shrine of the Báb one day, and I was convinced she was there. Instead, I ran into her mom! The gods were playing tricks on me... not to mention that phone nonsense on the bus. 🙄😂🙏🏽

TOP!

Being near the Shrines (really noticed it brisking up by the Shrine of the Báb) makes me feel clear and strong, like a Brother Knight. All Glory to the Teacher!

The Báb and Bahá’u’llah as Connections is night and day to an OMC-reverence-based “spirituality”. Churchianity vs. Christianity. This inner link feels akin to gnosis, an aspiration to further knowing and loving Them. Being entheoi in their Presence, a high Light and aspiration. Teaching the Faith becomes sharing the Light of higher worlds and Solar radiance, helping others connect with it. Prayer becomes a fire of yearning turning upwards. Laws become the desire to feel Cosmic Fire and Will in my blood, on fire with the love of God, following Truth.

Part of me is so scared that I will lose access to these precious Connections if I don’t abide by the rules and laws. I see my father’s face, stern, disapproving and not seeking to understand me or empathize with me. But if I let myself drop the astrality and open, turning upwards, tuning in, I still feel Them high above my head, Their warmth in my heart. Just like the memes of restraint that are so toxic to me are not at all present in the Spirit-filled spaces of the Shrines.

So why do the laws exist, if they constrain and bind? Perhaps something I will not fully understand. But in a world like 19th century Iran, they gave believers a divine standard to uphold, aspire to and inspire others by. Perhaps a religious reverence and code that starts in the mind is far better than a world without Spirit.

This is still a journey at its beginning. I seek to know, to heal and to grow. I feel how these two spiritual streams are harmonious, how my growth in one boosts my growth in the other. Another new start for this exciting time.

Ya Bahá’u’l-Abhá!
Ya Alí’u’l-Allah!
All Glory to the Teacher!

Pilgrimage notes 10/24

The UHJ is a very awakened institution. I could even say I felt its primary duty is to bring awakening to the Baha’i community, though that may need further reflection. The cathedra in the room as we prepared to meet them was awesome, the anticipation was high. The nine men on the House are the closest thing to living Baha’i initiates, and it felt like the room (to some extent myself) saw them that way. Individually, some were warm, some were more quick and quiet. But it really felt like something lands above in their combined presence.

I love Baha’u’llah and the great sacrifice and giving He made for humanity. His entire family gave so much, it’s amazing! So much pain, yet so much softness, heart and light from them, from Him. I am at a loss to describe what I felt, other than a white Light and Presence that moved me deeply each time I came in contact with it. In His taj at Mazra’ih (and the groundedness in His shoes), the walls of His cell, His room in Bahji - it really did feel like I was with him. And offering prayers at His shrine after the walking pilgrimage I felt such a longing to be inside the chamber where his body is buried, to draw closer and be one with that Light. I felt the power of Spirit behind His words, and the Connection above hearing my prayers. Prayers for love, for family, for friends, for God. We are only halfway through, and this really feels like a life-changing and deeply nourishing and renewing pilgrimage to the Holy Land.

It is quite remarkable the different qualities of Light I felt at each of the shrines. There was an overwhelming Solar presence and gold, and a deep, subtle, soft and mysterious space (a whiteness, perhaps?) at the shrine of Abdu’l-Baha. There was more gold above in my Column and below in the rich ethericity in the room at the shrine of the Bab, and this gold carried His unique sweetness and tenderness yet with great strength. And the White Light of Bahá felt very different and unique, yet not at all far removed from the others. All very complementary. The white was so soft and subtle, and touched me to my core, really carrying the depths of Baha’u’llah’s suffering, giving, joy, grandeur, lightness, heartness and love for God, humanity and the whole world. It felt embedded in the etheric of the plants and buildings, much like the trees around the shrine of the Bab feel ancient, wise and gold and warm. I really feel the Spirit of the Central Figures of the Baha’i Faith, and I am so grateful for and in awe of it.

Prison cell in Akká

Beautiful energy held in the walls, like a soft white light. Quite subtle. Perhaps similar light to what I felt at the Shrine of Baha. Felt tightness and warmth in the chest, both pain and enlightenment held (enlight brought?) in the cell. The devotion and reverence of the pilgrims was quite moving, mixed with the warmth of the space in the room. Felt Baha’s longing and Spirit in the stone, brought a new dimension of organic empathy to His story. AGTTT