I really, really, loved her. But for my own sake, I have to dial it back while she can't, or won't reciprocate. If she does, I will be here. But I won't expect anything, and be open to new beginnings. But quite honestly... I'm dedicating too much attention to this, let's go elsewhere.
Tonight there was truly brotherhood at the Spire. I love these people. Opening to fellowship, even not all the way (imagine that!) makes a tangible difference in my receptivity to the spaces. The depth and connection brought by our shared experience, our vision, our openness and warmth, our love for each other, our aspiration - it was something to feel. It feels like a melting away of my high and cold astral prison, into the spreading of fellowship. The space is always there, simply need to find ways to open to it.
A powerful new moon. Once in the space, I let go of the thoughts of boredom and opened to a new depth of peripherality. The Mother principle in the darkness, a churning and depth of feeling, a yin doing. It's funny, as much as I wish I had more of my own words for it, I'm realizing how much more there is to see if I want to pick up on a fresh viewpoint. Sublimating characters - I want to feel intelligent, original and special; I also want to pierce beyond the veils of the ordinary. Something new to see in a simple new moon, even after 20 years of the work. And deep shifts and openings, powerful seeds for transformation, when we least expect them. (Although, after beating myself up for missing Tradition Night, I was gearing up to aspire for something special. Thanks for hearing my prayer.)
I want to feel the part of me that wants Barkhan Seer. It's a raw, sexual wanting, in the Dragon. It wants something to gear into, unleash its power. It's also a passive, vulnerable opening, in the heart. Passive mode, and yin mode -both present. Want to be cared for, loved, supported and held. Wanting to be saved, allowed to cry and be mollified. Both desires are present. The desire to be saved needs to be honored, but the astrality can get in the way, i.e. jumping and screaming for connection when it's already there.
I have something more to watch in the spot in my heart. A deep, vulnerable pain, feels like a wall, a jagged edge, a burning sensation. I also have something to explore, something powerful and different, something special, not entirely unfamiliar. At times my usual mode of wanting and aspiring feels like a grasping - a clenching in of the etheric that mimics the centrality of the atom. A desperate clinging to verticality, like it will abandon me. And yet I know, deeper, that it is always there. It is time to shift modes, and release this heavy, heavy burden on my neck, my back, my heart, my whole energy. Spreading down, and down, and deep, and wide, finding aspiration and strength and connection where the OMC least expects it. Taking sleep by surprise. Igniting love for the connection, for fellowship, and for brotherhood.
Man, I love writing.