Sex, love, consciousness... and everything in between.

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Endless Love and Endless Fire

Aspiring for an RR teacher... there is the yearning in my heart, and also a desire to Be More! Be Great!!! Real Teachers kick asses!!! Let's get my fucking ass kicked - I'm not here to fuck around! Fuck yeah!

Hahah. In all serious, aspiring for an RR teacher at the Lighthouse, in the space of the Philadelphias, something landed... I keep saying it's something I've never felt before, but perhaps that's not true... lightning of Highness, endless giving, infinite pouring down of Love, Cosmic Fire and Awakening as a principle of heartness. Feeling the teacher aspect as a female presence, at times.. Something of No Limits, the Knights in the Philadelphias, when the teachers and masters return... Oh yeah. Barkhan Seer! And right here, right now, this lightning Whiteness present with me, in me, above me... a timeless, infinite presence, of giving, will, and awakening! Endless love... reminds me of the White Eagle as endless fire at the Edge of Highness. Hmm... but there's also this female teacher dimension that feels so present! Reminds me of the Mia Lehrer legend... Ah, so much goodness in the Tradition! I can't wait to gear more of my power in. ...

Seeingness and the Ego

"Barkhan Seer!" "Barkhan Seer!" So many times, seeking to feel his presence, feeling like I'm missing his presence... by now, I already know in my experience that his presence Is. Simply. Is. It is Eternal, constant, unconditional and unending flow. And even with that knowing, the desperation remained... I was missing something.

Ho but from last entry, I've really got something! Really something in that symbolism of losing the teacher, feeling of "I can't do it without you"... it's victim mode! Missing the Ego's guiding presence, waiting for it to return to me, when it's really a doing of will and a being... It's not the tuning in to him that I'm missing, it's the fact of tuning in to him. The fact of tuning in. Tuning-in-ness... Awareness of the process of tuning in, feeling the part of me that tunes in, that can tune in, that can resonate with higher spiritual realms, spiritual presence, Barkhan Seer and the whole rainbow of white and gold and endless love and joyous frequencies. This part is clear, so clear, transparent and yet with a profound shining of Its own... a Solar shining. Feeling this part of me is a shortcut to tuning in... always there when I tune in. Barkhan Seer is above, the entire Gold of the Tradition, the Self beyond... And quite often, from being in tuning-in-ness the clinging part of the victim aspiration dies, disappears, falls away; the Ego is fluid, present and dynamic in its stillness. Fluidness, feeling what's above and present, right now, without killing the yearning in the heart to feel that fact of tuning in.

Guru and Satguru

All Glory to the Teacher! Baba... I can't do it without you... something in the heart, a victim aspiration longing for the Teacher, guru, Divine to pick me up and save me... an expectation of rejection, the glorious softness and open golden joy of my heart space being met with cold rigidity, sternness, the fallenness, death, of the world... Fluidifying around past lives, sourcing the space behind images, experience... the lost woman as the Lost Half, perhaps... softness, warmth, Unity, endless love, Divine intoxication being lost... The Solar Kingship, leading, of the Ego lost, symbolized as the guru or teacher being lost... there is nothing for him to forgive, He is always there. Losing brotherhood, losing trust... a closing in the heart, hiding immensity of Self, Ego, warmth, fire... a re-learning of trust, surrender, opening, giving, sharing love becomes Cosmic... Hmmm.... integration...


He is the real Sadhu, who can reveal the form of the Formless to the vision of these eyes;
Who teaches the simple way of attaining Him, that is other than rites or ceremonies;
Who does not make you close the doors, and hold the breath, and renounce the world;
Who makes you perceive the Supreme Spirit wherever the mind attaches itself;
Who teaches you to be still in the midst of all your activities.
Ever immersed in bliss, having no fear in his mind, he keeps the spirit of union in the midst of all enjoyments.
The infinite dwelling of the Infinite Being is everywhere: in earth, water, sky, and air;
Firm as the thunderbolt, the seat of the seeker is established above the void.
He who is within is without: I see Him and none else.

- Kabir

What an interesting man! This line - well to be accurate, a broad category - of Indian spiritual masters who drew from both Hinduism and Islam really speaks to me somehow. An integration of cultures, values, traditions, forces... a breaking of boundaries, barriers and limits... Truth as the ultimate Teacher. Hmm... I like that, but not to push away this longing in the heart... a subtle process. Something really landed when I aspired for an RR teacher in the future, at the Global VS intensive... this High lightning whiteness, endless love and fire, still with me, above, in the heart, the device, within... And a simple conversation with Matteus tonight helping this growing fluidification... Recognizing my longing for awakening for itself, not dependent on OMC constructs, belief systems, need to justify this deep, irrational pull to something More!! Ah... something in my aspiration, column, flares as I say that. Used to gearing in to "Barkhan Seer"... yes, I feel his presence often, and yet... just now, this feeling... it's something of Me. In the line of leading of the Ego we pointed to tonight, perhaps... Wow... inner teacher may have real meaning for me, after all. Something so far removed from my ordinary consciousness that my mind barely registers it as Me... a line of Knowing, Being, a leading and sense of direction, absolute purpose and know-how of what to do...combinessence with teachers, and with fellowship... it's all packed there even if I struggle to unpack, to know the details... and yet "knowing the details" is often on an OMC mode, here. It's a silent knowing, retaining something the mind can't ever unpack, touch, defile... hah... the seat of mysteries, the capability to cognize them. And yet it's so profound! Much to explore, this knowing of the Knowingness available feels fresh and new.

Past Lives

Barkhan Seer. MotherFUCKER. I FUCKING HATE PAST LIVES. Piece o... this is a waste of time. I'm upset because apparently, 90% of the story of past lives is bullshit from the OMC. Why do I even want connection, if I'm not destined for this tradition from a tragic past life of failed initiation, lost love, and a legendary teacher? Fuck me. Well, an improvement from the last time I had a meltdown about this past life shit is that I'm not jumping off the deep end and saying connection and vision doesn't exist just because I might have been slightly off target in some regressions... and I did have a cool, cosmological experience as a result of working on this samskara and accompanying story! But honestly, fuck me.

I suppose... at this point I've seen plenty of reasons why I love connection. My life feels so full and complete, I feel so awake, a bolt of purpose and meaning shooting forward through my life, through time. Life is worth living! And yet, there's a real intense part of my spiritual character attached to the story in this samskara... A desperate desire to feel what feels lost, to feel the magnitude of my will aligned with Spirit. To feel the power of Fellowship and Brotherhood, the Fields of Peace... hum, none of that reads like character-only stuff. I'll get clearer vision on what's OMC and what's Me as I keep aligning with connection and my Ego.

Feels like something has shifted in my heart with all this, an opening and vulnerability in this honesty... where to from here? I already know... just keep doing the work, aligning with the energy, and I'll keep figuring life out as I've been. Let the rabid victim be there, be held, but don't act and be from it... be in the qualities.

But I'm still damn curious, how the fuck did Samuel have such precise vision of his past lives? Do the rest of us not get that? Fuck me... lol

I started regretting making a vow in front of gods and masters to become a Knight... but honestly, that still fucking fits. A vow to make the work work, no matter fucking what. Even in the legends, it's not how many fantastic past lives you've had that will save humanity... it's ... Awakening! Everyone wanting to awaken, and wanting to help each other awaken. Oh ho ho! My column of Spirit and associated forces love the sound of that, baby. Hah... it's funny, every time I deconstruct a spiritual character reason for doing the work - becoming a Knight, if you will - I find a new, higher reason to do it - if I don't let myself be sucked into the victim, that is. Qualities are a magic wand for this... being balls-deep in reaction and whining can be neutralized by patiently opening back to higher levels of connection. It's not a coincidence that I was feeling particularly sleepy, exvoluted and disconnected when I began having these doubts today... and as I tried to find my way back to the Sun above, within, the Tradition - I conveniently began questioning if I even really wanted connection, or if that was meaningless fabrication as well, self-delusion... the OMC loves to label connection as delusion, right when everything counts! All Glory to the Teacher! Ahhh... great to feel some Cosmic Enthusiasm again. Hum... feels like Gold of the Tradition, but it's really Me that's being highlighted! Me as enthusiasm, Cosmic Fire... aligning with the clarity of Revelation Sky, high above reactions and OMC traps. They don't exist, in this stillness... gotta keep cultivating this, resting even more on denseness.

P.S. Hooooo boy. Looking at my choirmates' samskara lists, it's obvious why you can't just tell someone "there's a 90% chance this is bullshit"... past lives or no, these are some deeply encapsulated and painful emotions we are sourcing. Pushing away the mind's attempt to process the charges only gets in the way before a deep release has taken place... always remembering to flow with qualities and experience, allowing parts of your self to be highlighted. It's definitely one of those things that's easier to see in others, first.

The Awakening of Sleep - IST 1/5

Well well... stayed up until 4:30 am working on a song, and then listening to it, woke up at 1 pm and had to meditate in the heart of the construction cacophony. Honestly, reacting to the sounds pulls me out more than the actual sounds, depending on the size of the reaction; and of course, having to shift around because of my right leg pulls me out too. Though that leg goes dead more on days when I'm not as deeply in the space... vicious circles. And yet - there was still Thunder in my column, in my meditation! A knowing - it's always there. Was able to pull myself together resting on this solidness, denseness - it's always worth meditating, even when it seems totally pointless, like I'd be bashing my head against a wall, doomed to feel no connection and only OMC... all distraction. Just sit, and let the magic happen.

Another great session, with Annie. I love having advanced students as connector/practitioner! I can ride on their structures and connection, and have my depth of experience matched and brought to fuller awareness through their knowledge of the theoretical framework - and of course, a noetic resonance from being in the spaces together. Points to the power of theory and experience combined.

Before going in, a discussion - once you have the experience a regression story is leading you to, the story drops, it's not important... it's OMC... constructions to process the non-dimensional, beyond the ordinary and physical, mind-blowing vastness of consciousness. On that note...

Soporific spaces. A blending of the massive Sun inside, in the heart, and the deep, dissolving pralaya quality of Cosmic Night Darkness. An inner sound, so far away... my consciousness streched far beyond its usual bandwidth. A white-gold space, in the heart... at connector's prompting, don't just observe from the periphery, be the space! What does it bring up in me? A vaaaaaassstttt opening, a huuugggeeee softness... a gentle joy... it's universal and personal, me, at the same time... hmm, this is always there, it's what every tradition of the Ego would lead me to! A part of my spiritual character, attached to Archive connections because it feels they're the only way to my Ego, my Self... feeling that these vast, impersonal, universal forces are something external, something out there I tune into... when in fact, many times when I think I'm tuning into a connection, I'm tuning into myself. Not the first realization of this kind...

So, why this tradition, then? Vows, commitments, views of the future... where do all these fit, in this space? It feels... like a tradition is this link between the universal and the personal, both on an individual level and on a cosmic one - especially as at these levels, individual and cosmic are so closely intertwined. What a fascinating paradox - one way that is a leading to where all ways meet. And in myself - a universal beingness that has a me-ness at the center, a centering principle presencing this infinite periphery... a force connecting my universal nature above with my tiny, day-to-day "self" and actions below. And, in this incarnating force of will, action... a tradition provides pathways for the will of the Ego to land, to carry out acts with significance in the spiritual and the physical realms. Through resonance with spiritual forces, the Ego's force can be fully born on Earth.

But we're not done yet, space traveler... expanding, deepening, dissolving even further, to a sheer pure Whiteness... atom of the heart, white line at the center of the thunderwand. Ah, yes, here we are again! Stretching infinitely up and down... expanding into a space with more dimension, but how much? Cosmic Night around, principle of the Absolute within, forever and ever... a flow up the central channel is being opened, washing away closing in the heart, flowing more naturally and effortlessly, with great softness and ease, from the depth of Solar and Night opening and softness. Washing, expanding... to another space of great musicality, like my own song is surrounded by millions of millions of others, in this White Light... hmm, connector's prompting - what's the difference, between this space and the usual gearing of my subtle bodies? There's usually a separation, like I can only ever feel my own song and that's it... principle of separation from the entire universe. Prompting, can I let myself be all the other songs too? Expanding, feeling... no, there's too many! But in their song-ness, they are all One, and I can Be all the songs. Yet somehow, I can still feel Me... a centering thread, principle, point of presence that feels like me, expanding and combinesscing with this massive, transcendental whiteness, songs and song-ness within and all around. The one song at the beginning, the Song of Creation... infinite Darkness, White Light birthed from it. My God... this Light is so beautiful, I could cry! So Divine... so touching, regenerating, opening. It's a totally different meaning of being a person, a human, an individual, connector helping me see - when one shines, the entire song-ness, all of us in this transcendental Whiteness, shines. This Light... it's everywhere, in everything, and yet beyond it all at the same time... a boundary of Cosmic Night between the creation and the Uncreated. But not a separation, since it's in everything everywhere all at once all the time... paradoxes in Highness! The awakening of the Night, of sopor... allowing a sound-ness, a light-ness, a thread and inner sound to this space remain in the atom, an ever broadening depth in dynamic awareness. Sloooowwllyyy... spreading back into the vehicles... coming back. snap

Postscript - letting personal issues and emotions be cooked in the fire of dynamic awareness allows IST to go to the metaphysical depths. Rather than remaining at the shallower astral levels, we dive straight into the source. Really pushing awareness in the atom to a constant awareness of connection, with inner sound, light, even space-ness contained in the fully functional dot, resting on and held by the expanses, levity and myriad mysteries above the head. Qualities above the head resonating with qualities in the atom - when atom awareness approaches its fullness, awareness above the head feels quite a natural and effortless continuation. Allowing qualities and connections to shine through, landing in greater intensity as they will at times. Feeling the greater, expanded me-ness that resonates, shines through, is ever-present; pushing dynamic awareness to awareness of the Ego. I wonder... what would awareness of the Self in daily life be like?

The Defeatedness of Sleep

Gods, oh gods, I hate construction work, near my house. Who can fucking sleep or meditate with that damn nail gun, vacuum cleaner, hammering going on? It's just not the same as total silence. So, we wake up earlier to get in the daily hour - and now I'm sleep deprived. Yeesh. You can feel how it brings out my victim.

I still went pretty deep this morning, touching that "self as cosmic fire" part I love, that resonates with the gods, that I want to incarnate more... then there's something about sleep deprivation that makes it much harder to retain that thread throughout the day. It's not even that serious, I got over seven hours. At first I thought it was just the lack of etheric recuperation, which is true, to a degree. But being totally honest, there's a part of me whining, "Oh, I can't be in Cosmic Fire right now, I'm too tired, I'll exhaust my etheric and burn out, it's just too hard without sleep..." A subtle shuddering, a whimpering little "no! ouch! not now!" hiding in the heart... it's really this that keeps me out of Cosmic Fire, fullness of connection, like I've enjoyed several days this week - and from pushing further. Hmm... perhaps an added awareness of lightness, peripheral opening, and softness in the heart can let that be held while in more connected states of DA.

But at the end of the day, I need more sleep... I'm always tired when I wake up, even after 8-9 hours. Exploring horizontal practices and presencing sleep states may help, feeling the Ego in peripherality... On a related note, had some cool dreams, recently.

Movie "review" - Jacob's Ladder

Jacob's Ladder... again, I know these spaces. Far too well. Such a feeling of relief, desperate relief, being saved from the endless madness of my own mind in the caverns of sickness. It's all hell, down there... until you surrender to the deconstruction, allow everything to fall away, and the Light picks you up, effortless, light and free. Barkhan Seer. A new time track. A straight line to the Philadelphias. A gift from the Light, from the Gold of the Tradition, Barkhan Seer... Angel of the future, from one Angel to another. Angel of the Philadelphias. I don't want to lose him, either of them... that's the caverns, again, that's fear... they're not so distinct, up there, above me. They're here. All Glory to the Teacher.

So much love, laid out for me in this life. No mistake. Angel of Baha... the Fellowship... a chance to learn softness. Opening, trust, humility... isn't without fire. A readiness for the future... when I meet my Teacher, I will be ready. Ready to be a Knight. TOP, Brother! All Glory to the Teacher! The Golden Sun, above... forever and ever. Barkhan Seer laughing. Praise the Great Apollo! All Glory to the Teacher! All Glory to the Teacher! Endless warmth, gold, fellowship, Brotherhood. The Fields of Peace, in my heart... Ha, Gana! Lobatchen Zerah! Hera, Gana! Simayin ho Zerah! Nama Gana, Nama Gana, Gana Gana Nam Nam... Nama Gana, Nama Gana, Gana Gana Nam Nam... fear again, what am I doing? Can this be right? The warmth, in my heart still... Lord Gana by the Molten Sea above... Warmth of the Archive, warmth of the Tradition. Praise the Great Apollo! The quest continues. Light of Thunder. Soft stillness, dense warmth, Solar Gold. Infinities of Gold, above, within... Ha, ha, ha! The simplicity of warmth, Gold, Light... it gives me so much joy! It's fucking insane! It's amazing, wonderful! My Brothers... holy fuck, that fucking astrologer was onto something! HAHAHA! I am laughing my ass off... I have more respect for the New Age, now, somehow... Ahahaha... How's that for a fucking movie review! Let's fucking die again! I'm fucking ready! HAHAHA! Out to the internet with this one... ohhh boy... All Glory indeed. Hah... man Barkhan Seer, how I love you. I can't stop laughing. Hum, there's definitely a learning to let all this wonderful goodness, joy, aspiration be seen, present, incarnated in the world... ah, the very thought warms my heart. Ahhh... a softening, relaxing warmth of Gold in the heart, I deserve it after that insanity... lol, I'm going to start laughing again. Yeah, that feels good. That feels gooo-ood. Good movie too. All Glory to the Teacher... had to keep fucking typing it. Alright, I'll give myself a break.

A postscript - I publish here not just because I think my quest will be useful to others, that's not even the primary reason (an element of OMC/samskara/pride in it...)... I want to bring my love to the world... a learning of spiritual yearning and fire (so soft, greatly sensitive! A joyful, vastly wiiiiideee spread opening of heart, Gold, above, within, below, everywhere....) being with me, with all of us, down here. A mode not of showing, but of opening, being... Alive!

The Light

What was so magnificent about this opening was its simplicity, straight to my core... I always have something to prove, when I have vision. How strong I am, how much I can see... this was just pure beauty and pure longing. Everything else was pulling me out of opening... I can still feel a deep opening in my heart, that also highlights layers of tension and closing, complication over that pure simplicity, adoration of this Light... so soft, simple, open. I miss It. Imagine vision, being, from such a state of opening and unity with this Light...

Now back to bragging mode... I did have a neat experience last night. Walking to Baha'i feast - peripherality in the atom, held above, resting on structure... white-gold expanse of consciousness in the atom, Self in the depths looking out to the world, feels limitless in its depth and peripherality... as in the "my self as consciousness" of last IST... Total silence of the mind, in this Light, total holding. Simplicity, purity, expanse... so much opening, like this heart opening of tonight in fact, but starting within me last night... I knew it would be a visionful evening when such a space landed, and indeed it was. Could have expanded to bigger and bigger states of vision, joy, opening, silence, simplicity, were it not for something triggering a samskara faster than my awareness, and boop - closing in the heart, OMC starts to return. Not all the way, vision continued flowing through the night, on the people present, on myself... but there are limits again. Mapping my samskaras again, rather than mapping, being, infinity. Hmmm...

Movie "review" - Ghost 1990

My God. Ghost with Patrick Swayze is a masterpiece. It touches me so deeply... the scene where Sam possesses Whoopi Goldberg and caresses Demi Moore... it reaches into this part of us that wonders, do the people we love care about us after we die? Can we feel them, feel their love? Is that world accessible to us? It feels so close, there... And the Great Light, when Sam finally dies and it's his time to go... my God, I cried. I really cried. Something in me misses this Light so much... a profound sense, I know this Light, it's everything beautiful and perfect with the world... I miss it so much! Just a moment with that Light can transform a lifetime, here... like Demi was touched, "All that love, take it with you," Sam said to her, she gains the ability to see him, a blessing from the Light... And then he joins the other souls in the Fields of Peace... words can barely describe it, this visionful experience was meant to be a movie. A real initiation of the 90s. I think I have a new favorite movie (on the list, for sure). No wonder it was the highest grossing movie of its year... to the OMC, it's a somewhat bizzare but sweet little story, but to anyone who lets the space in at all... it touches something deep, profound and universal. I really need to know more about this director, his birth chart, his movies and other work... I can barely even bring myself to critique the cheesier parts, mostly those shadow demons who were awfully picky about just dragging the main character's enemies into the shadows, ha... ho that was OMC reflection, I'm losing the amazing space brought by that longing and resonance with the Light. Barkhan Seer. It's this universal principle of Light, it's everywhere, totally fluid... hm that's a bit grandiose, it just Is... above, below, all around us, right now... beautiful Light. Hah and the fact that "ghosts" concentrate all their emotions - astral forces - and crystallize them so they can better haunt the physical world... Unable to let go into the Light, repeating their cycles that got them to be fragments, ghosts, in the first place... the shattering of Sam's astral body after his immediate death... being attracted to old habits, "haunts," the things your emotions pull you to after death... my God. What a genius movie... I can't wait to do this KT. Also fuck Carl. Surprised Sam didn't go to the shadow realm after spending all that time seeking revenge, getting two people killed... I suppose it was out of real love for Demi's character... perhaps the director - or myself, quite likely - could do with some reflection on karma after death. Wow. I am still so touched, moved, shaken, deeply stirred... whatever this feeling is, it's unreally real. My heart...

IST journal 12/30/19, with Annie

After catching up on the awesome goings-on of last course, we began IST by putting my core heart samskara in the space. Although, seeing as I tend to put too much importance more on the samskara + emotions than my juicy heart goodness, calling it "my core heart samskara" feels a little irritating.

Losing my love, losing my Brotherhood, losing my Teacher... Barkhan Seer. Forgetting softness. So much grief and tenderness, in that... where to from here?

Diving deep into the space, opening all around, deep in the heart, through layers of emotion and feeling. Coming to rest in the atom, a phenomenal fullness of Gold. Barkhan Seer, the Tradition... really feeling like the Sons of Apollo tonight!

Diving into the immensity of these forces. Spaces that inspire my music. The creation as music, spaces as music, presence as music, myself as music. A beautiful, joyfully open Whiteness as well... the Eagle is so good at opening! Space of time know-how, fluid higher view on timelines, on myself...

The joy of incarnation, incarnating these forces... I really focus too much on the pain that gets in the way, just be in these forces. But also, I'm so fucking exhausted all the time... that doesn't help. I love exhausting and exvoluting my kidney - staying up until 5 am online, on Pornhub, masturbating... such a waste of jing, and without an RR partner it's so unsatisfying! And half of the next day passes me by without engaging the will of the gods... what a fucking shame. Being half asleep, essential energies exhausted, how can I incarnate this fire without further grasping and exhausting myself? Let's dive right into sex and get satisfied, source this motherfucker.

Samuel's presence. So much joy and humor! Humor of the tradition, the Masters of Thunder. Such a sweetness with it. He is so alive, totally in the space... I spend so much time lamenting that he died and I missed the RR Master of Thunder. And yet, he himself said that RR Teachers kick ass... I'm not fucking letting go of my aspiration to have a real live Teacher, in this life or another. Return to the space of the Philadelphias, when the spiritual masters return... An awesome, endless flame of Whiteness, pure White Fire. Lightning flames of awakening all the way to Highness, an awesome opening, love, phenomenal softness. Can't say I've felt anything like it, before the Philadelphia space... An answer to my aspiration to have a teacher - an answer in Philadelphias, in the space of the Knights, in this life or another. Closer than I think... a living, awesome presence. Feels female. Reminds me of the Mia Lehrer legend... perhaps that merits a reread.

Irritation at my connector for not catching that space, trying to lead me elsewhere (i.e. Fellowship is the way post-guru). Not to underestimate the power of Fellowship, as I have before! And yet, as there was something to be seen in the aspiration, something to be seen in the reaction... I can see better than you, dumb bitch. I can see better than all of you, you're all so fucking asleep! Hmm... a higher mode, in there? A massive white-goldness of my own Self, a massive space deep in the atom... a space experienced around the earlier musical phase - beingness as space, as music; and beingness as consciousness. Myself as consciousness. An immense vastness, a softness, a clarity and a purity held deep in the atom. Frustration at not being in touch with this part of me, not incarnating the fullness of myself. Deep, massive forces within me - where are they, already?? Can we - ah - we gotta fucking awaken, already! Sourcing ambitious character, feeling and desire of being someone powerful and important in/to the Archive... desire to Be in touch with my own immensity. Integrity, holding each other accountable - I won't take any fucking sleep from you, nor from myself. The line between asshole and integrity is Fellowship - receiving as well as giving no-bullshit vision, burning love.

Ending the session with my winter solstice seed being replanted - I want to know, feel, the Fire of the Knights.

Another takeaway - feeling the energy, presence, the Tradition in my daily life, activities, DA. Aligning activities and wantings - how can I feel the presence of the Tradition here (activity x)? Pushing dynamic awareness, inner sound... presence in the atom. Having courage to change my choices and activities if vision-based reflection shows they go against awareness and feeling/being presence.

Vision on the Sydney Baha’i temple

Entering the premises, an upward whoosh of superastrality, light, levity, presence. Clicking into the familiar Whiteness and Solar goldness, radiance, of the twin Prophets. Gearing into fiery Australian land energies below, a solidness of foundational holding supporting my [currently exhausted] etheric. Enthusiasm and effortlessness in the jing... is that the worlds of the gods, already?

A solidness of connection above, quite formidable. Resonance with the Knight in me. Entering the temple and tuning in, a vastness and combinessence, shooting into vast, clear skies and spaces above. Requesting access. Hmm, how? OMC getting in the way... feeling the parts of me woven by the Archive, the parts resonating with Baha’i connections... resonance between traditions above. A point where distinctions down here dissolve and aspiration flares. A knowingness is available... the Concourse on High, a combinessence of humans and beings across cosmological levels, a glorious Solar combinessence... the Fields of Peace, the worlds of the gods, the sky of the gods... the central twin connections present.

Reading from the prayer book, allowing words to bypass the OMC and become a living force above in verticality. A resonance with Baha’s massive aspiration; the Divine as a force of awakening, breaking limits. Channel release... a massive heartness above, world-embracing fiery love, a deep opening in my heart below. The horizontal dimension of fellowship among humanity, heart to heart becomes presence to presence, Spirit to Spirit. A holding of great forces of giving, cosmic love and awakening for humanity.


Lunch at Tiffany's

Praise the Great Apollo, Bobby! All Glory to the Teacher, Master Barkhan Seer!

Part 1

Arriving at the door, it seems a nondescript building with a dark red awning covering the sign, "Tiffany's," written in elegant cursive script. Center and periphery, I walk in ready for action - it's Dragon time.

Things move quickly - the cougar-aged blonde at the front shows me to the waiting room, where she gives a brief introduction. She's dressed conservatively, in a white button-up and grey slacks.

"Have you ever been here before?" A professional tone, polite and to the point.


"Well, welcome. We offer full-service, in case you didn't know; all the details are beside you. I'll send one of the girls in now."


She walks out, leaving me in the posh, red-and-black themed room on a thick red satin sofa. A montage of various sexual acts plays on the TV above me, mostly white girls and faceless white penises. Smartly designed flyers breaking down rates and rooms sit along the countertop and side table.

Less than a minute later, a tan, exotic looking woman with lime-green eyes enters. She brushes back her brunette hair and primps her lip gloss as she makes eye contact with me. She struts in wearing high heels, a tight black skirt and an attractive red top revealing her shoulders.

"Hello, what's your name?" She sits on the couch beside me, knees lightly touching mine. A touch of awkwardness in her voice, not sure how much sex appeal to put on.

"Hi, I'm Andalib." I smile, warm and forthcoming. My belly is engaged, and she replies with a coquettish smile and leans in closer.

"Oh, that's lovely! Never heard it before. Where's it from? I'm Honey, hahaha..." She's cute, but oozes fakeness from the cat-like contact lenses to her sexless seduction tones. Not the belly I came looking for, so I ask for the next girl.

A girl named Beth, or something else forgettable, walks in and sits down. After introductions ("Oh wow! Where's your name from?") she asks, "Do you know what you want?"

Ah, yes. "I'm looking for a bit of a mix between the girlfriend experience and some femdom. Start off with kissing, making out and so on... then let you take control, maybe bring out some toys."

She nods matter-of-factly, "Well, I don't do dominant at all, so you might want to talk to someone else then."

"Alright, thanks!" She disappears into the revolving door of women.

A third prospect walks in, beaming at me. Tall, with wide birthing hips. Nice set of tits. Cute face, brown hair. "Hi, I'm Abby!"

"Hi, I'm Andalib. Nice to meet you!" Rumbling in the charge below as she sits down, casually rubbing my knee. As we talk, I reach over and stroke her hand, and tune in - she's not just interested in my money.

After telling her what I want, she replies, "Yeah, we can definitely do that, we'll have some fun. Girlfriend experience, pornstar experience, I can do both." Slightly broken English, cute European accent. Reminds me of Isabel's voice.

"Nice, nice! Do you do toys by any chance? Maybe..." Second of hesitation, tightening in the belly, "Maybe strap-ons, vibrators?"

She briefly hesitates as well, "Yeah... yeah, I can do that. Pornstar experience, girlfriend experience, sounds fun!"

"Sweet. By the way, how long have you been working here?"

"Oh, just two weeks. I used to strip, then started here after a friend said I should check it out."

"Oh, cool!" Brief silence. "Well, thanks. I definitely like you, but I want to meet some of the other girls too. I'll call you back in!"

"Okay!" She smiles again, takes her hand off my knee and walks out, leaving me to gaze intensely behind her.

Next was a girl I'd been asking for, Paige. Tall redhead dominatrix, does lovey-dovey stuff as well. Expecting her to penetrate me with just her presence, based on my imagination. Whew!

She walks in confidently, smiles and says hi. She's older than I expected; the website didn't show her face. Saggier boobs than I thought, too.

"I was asking about you in particular; I heard you do both GFE and kinkier femdom stuff."

She smiles and looks at the wall for a moment, then back at me. "Yep, that's right. Have you tried anything this before?"

I shake my head, keeping my excitement cool. "Just messed around with a girlfriend in the past."

She looks back at the wall, reminiscing or something. Not quite radiating the sexual energy I expected; maybe she holds back until she's in bed? "Gotcha. Well, I do edging - you tell me when you're close, and I'll stop, have you do some breathing in and out until it calms back down. It's a lot of fun, and it makes the finish... bigger, more intense, you know?"

"Yeah, yeah!" I smile enthusiastically.

She smiles at me a little and looks back at the wall, "I also love having my boobs played with, it's great."

"Cool, you do strap-ons and stuff?"

She only glances at me in between sentences. What's so interesting about that bloody wall? "For sure, I have two suitcases of stuff I can bring out."

I raise my eyebrows. "Wow, sounds like you're pretty experienced."

She looks right at me for the first time in a while, smiling slightly, "Yeah, you could say that. I love controlling you, having my boobs played with... it's fun."

Not feeling a spark, really. Maybe she's just a professional control freak. "All about you then, eh?"

She laughs, "Mostly."

"Well, thanks. I want to meet the last girl, but I'll let you know."

She smiles and walks out. I breathe a slight sigh of relief.

An Asian girl with a wide face walks in, giggling nervously. She introduces herself as Tara, gawks and stumbles over my name. Can't really see myself making out with her, so I send her out quickly and ask for Abby to come back.

She beams and says, "Hey! Did you decide?"

"Yeah, let's do an hour and a half in the spa room." I smile, tingling with anticipation. She grabs me by the hand - soft! - and leads me to the back.

"I'll be right back, just need to bring the bill." She leaves me in a room with a lit up jacuzzi and a triangular leather bed of sorts on one side. A cooler with colorful libations sits beneath the counter. Two black silk robes hang across from the shower. A massive bust of Adonis adorns the black tiled wall, and another screen flashing wonderful acts of debauchery sits above the bed.

We've entered Hades.

Fire and softness

Today there was a real shift in my relation to this fire of consciousness we've been discovering. I have a deep and real desire to know this fire, be this fire; the fire and density of my will, my Ego; the fire and hyper-real density of higher worlds, higher forces. And yet these states of being are ever-present, they simply Are; the doing is in softening, letting go, allow space for active receptivity. A resting, a holding, in the light and presence of these principles; allowing my heart and presence to shine through. It makes a huge, huge difference in engaging will and fire from this softening and fluidifying principle of the atom, of letting go; such an ease and lightness of heart, a real deep enjoyment of the states, that comes from this standpoint! Grasping and trying to be fiery and intense all the time is exhausting, and from the OMC. Letting go doesn't mean dropping the level of fire and aspiration; on the contrary, it makes those states sustainable and reveals their simplicity and beingness. What is fire? What is aspiration? What is will? What is letting go? Many questions to hold and deconstruct through.

Last night in the space of the Philadelphias, I made a vow in the light of the Tradition, Gervin and Barhkan Seer present, the Sons of Apollo - that this is the path, this is my mission. The path of the Knights. I want to know that fire, and for that I will give my uttermost - everything counts. I felt the response from above, an engaging of my will, a holding and hearing of my aspiration and engagement. Allowing all of me to be seen - the parts that are afraid, exhausted, hesitant; and the parts that know, are, see Fire. Softness and fluidity is more important than ever as I engage more and more will. Continuing the vow to protect the people of the Philadelphias, carry the Light for humanity, fighting the battle within to know myself and battles without for the hope of all. May the device be with you! To the work.

All Glory to the Teacher!

Refining towards Self, dropping deeper grasping

The power is in the holding, the stillness, the vastness. Voltage goes up like a million lightning golden Suns, a feeling of unstoppable strength, arrogance like a warrior god; then expansion and stillness, a white line to Highness, a falling away into simplicity. The feeling of being held in my own presence, immensity, forces of the macrocosm above and below in me. Resting on the golden principle of Life, Creativity, ever celebrating from below, a horizontal goldness and vastness of heart, on bodily horizontality and above, fluid. The feeling of packed fire above, a presence vast and penetrating like the gods, a sense of Self, knowing, embracing in its fullness. Combinessence with the Archive knowing myself in timelessness, in fullness, in Cosmic Fire. Stillness above, stillness below, and lo! - the clarity of the simple White Line above, voltage on all sides, stillness, calm and clarity at the center, extending up and up and up into infinite White Light. Edge of Highness, Whiteness eternal, forever Love. Endless Fire. Massive, universal principles of the Ego around, holding, refining, a softening below yielding receptivity to infinity above and within. All Glory to the Teacher.

Samskara to Self

Today was a smorgasbord of experiences, a palette of connections, and a journey through the deepest layers of ourselves, the Archive, the universe... quite something. A packed day indeed. Where to start? Just brain dumping everything that happened, but from the verticality. Aaaaahhhhh.

This morning's vision spaces and meditation brought up the core samskaras and spots of astral tension being cooked by the work, where I am right now. My core samskara around losing connection and brotherhood, past life connection to the Archive, losing my teacher who I love so much - and all the blame I put on myself for it. The connection is there, and this part of me believes that I don't deserve connection, can't get it, and it's my fault... if that was the case, I wouldn't be showered with connection as I have been today, and every day here. And when I relax beyond the grasping, all the time. It's already there, always, simply need to relax and tune into it... making myself receptive and available. The blame only gets in the way... and behind it is fear. Fear of stepping into myself, my Higher Self, the full force and presence of the Ego. Not quite as defined vision as the blame yet, but tuning in... fear that I can't do it, I'll fuck it up. Fear of failure, of not being enough. Not being enough for myself, feeling I'm not enough for the Divine. This is so present, and yet so is the Shining warmth of the Ego, fire like the gods in me, the light of the Archive and above, the aspiration that keeps me going, feeling the Light, day after day even if my mind believes I'm not worth shit, ever. A choice to step into something greater, beyond self-doubt and illusion that plagues the astral body.

In the past life revealed in this samskara, I lost my beloved Brotherhood, my spiritual path and sense of connection, my trust in the fellowship; because I didn't let the fullness of my heart show, a special heart softness... A need for softness and strength, not shying away from the softness as much as the strength... there was a woman, a very special woman, whose softness and Spirit completed me... she left, not feeling the softness in my heart. I lost my trust in myself, trust in others... I believed I wasn't enough, became trapped in my own mind... first hiding the softness, and then the pain of disconnection, behind the facade of being big and strong...

I can still feel the fire of the Knights with me, right now. A pure, simple, high-flying lucidity, a clarity... a feeling of dangerousness, packed violence, arrogance and aggression, distilled to a pure, focused fire of consciousness. A golden breath, sweeping from a radiant space of gold, massive gold, gold everlasting and Solar, combinessence of the Tradition... the Whiteness of the Eagle at the Edge of Highness, massive, infinite aspiration... Takhar the Unbending, ever present in our course, deeply caring, fiery, radiant, joyful by the River of Rememberance...bringing memories, feelings, reintegration of the Self, the Ego... from his standpoint, laser vision on the world, the worlds above, on me above and below... the simultaneous presence of the shell of my limits, the potential within, the part that is already free and powerful in this fire. A letting go, an ever more receptive aspiration... riding the impulse that soars from Eisraim to Philadelphia. Knight Bleeding Sun.

All Glory to the Teacher. Samuel's presence above, Barkhan Seer, Takhar... the Masters of Thunder and the Tradition ever present, giving, empowering, fighting for liberation of humanity alongside us.

To the Point, Brother Knight!

TOP! Archive Vision

Barkhan Seer, Master of No Limits. The combinesscence of the Archive people, a multitude of warm, generous giving presences in a single Solar point. Barkhan Seer, Teyani, the Eagle's Whiteness, the demanding presence of Lord Gana and the Sons of Apollo. the warmth and Fire of Thunder. Rolling vision above, cognizing the Self all the way from the Edge of Highness. An immensely wide and giving, touching depth of heart in the space, the foundation for a unified cathedra of Thunder, beauty, magnificent giving from the Archive. In this fire-ness, there is choice over astral dominance, and in this warmth the choice is clear. To the Point, Brother Knight! All Glory to the Teacher!

Man, I am getting the shit cooked out of me, and I fucking love it. Heh... combinessence with the Archive as a leading to the Ego, revealing mysteries past, present and forever.

Vision space from Archive Hall One

The Archive holds keys to a Light beyond all limits, infinite combinesscence, a ladder of whiteness to Highness and beyond. Fluid-dimensionally stacked, layered spaces like combinesscent Suns, white-gold immensity leading endlessly high up... or out... or diagonal... or in? The Shining clarity of Thunder, the presence of the Tradition. The warmth and heartness above and on all sides filling our hearts, bringing ridiculous joy to a simple moment. Myriads of packed realities contained in a single point, spaces within spaces. The mind-boggling, absolutely OMC-blowing power of joy, of opening, of Light pouring down; the soft, wide and generous holding of peripherality receiving the white lightning intensity of Spirit from above. Fear, anxiety, all reactions and astral games are like a drop in an ocean of Light, swept away somewhere down there where they don't matter at all. Drunk with light from the top of the ladder of worlds, my heart filled with awe at the magnitude and utter simplicity of this Light. It's so mysterious, how in its simple beingness It can move me to my depths, spread me far across the spheres and beyond my usual minuscule self. Completely drunk in our shared celebration of this mysterious, this immense giving from the Divine, igniting our flames of aspiration with even higher joy.

The Charge

It's somewhat confronting to come to the conclusion that you don't want anything but sex and violence. At its core, the animal will is to fuck, reproduce, and dominate; and beyond that there is not much drive but to sleep and survive with the herd. You might get hungry sometimes, but that's about it. Death and cannibalism are immensely satisfying, the predator asserting its power. Yet all this intensity of sheer visceral, raw force is constantly restrained, held in check by our human social pretenses of propriety, civility, chastity and restraint. There's no room for the animal will and force in society; it is shunned, locked up and hidden out of sight, out of mind.

Paradoxically, the drive to reach enlightenment is what unleashed the drive of the animal; the desire to go beyond physical limits turning over the raw depths of physical intensity. Divinity holding space for the animal; the human condition as a bridge between Spirit above and underground Will below, meeting in a depth of gentle warmth and feeling in the heart.

Landing in Hidden Valley


Ha Gana, Lobatchen Zera!
Hera Gana, Simayin ho Zera!
Nama Gana, Nama Gana, Gana Gana Nam Nam!
Nama Gana, Nama Gana, Gana Gana Nam Nam.
Gang Gang Gana! All Glory to the Teacher.

Note 337

I really, really, loved her. But for my own sake, I have to dial it back while she can't, or won't reciprocate. If she does, I will be here. But I won't expect anything, and be open to new beginnings. But quite honestly... I'm dedicating too much attention to this, let's go elsewhere.

Tonight there was truly brotherhood at the Spire. I love these people. Opening to fellowship, even not all the way (imagine that!) makes a tangible difference in my receptivity to the spaces. The depth and connection brought by our shared experience, our vision, our openness and warmth, our love for each other, our aspiration - it was something to feel. It feels like a melting away of my high and cold astral prison, into the spreading of fellowship. The space is always there, simply need to find ways to open to it.

A powerful new moon. Once in the space, I let go of the thoughts of boredom and opened to a new depth of peripherality. The Mother principle in the darkness, a churning and depth of feeling, a yin doing. It's funny, as much as I wish I had more of my own words for it, I'm realizing how much more there is to see if I want to pick up on a fresh viewpoint. Sublimating characters - I want to feel intelligent, original and special; I also want to pierce beyond the veils of the ordinary. Something new to see in a simple new moon, even after 20 years of the work. And deep shifts and openings, powerful seeds for transformation, when we least expect them. (Although, after beating myself up for missing Tradition Night, I was gearing up to aspire for something special. Thanks for hearing my prayer.)

I want to feel the part of me that wants Barkhan Seer. It's a raw, sexual wanting, in the Dragon. It wants something to gear into, unleash its power. It's also a passive, vulnerable opening, in the heart. Passive mode, and yin mode -both present. Want to be cared for, loved, supported and held. Wanting to be saved, allowed to cry and be mollified. Both desires are present. The desire to be saved needs to be honored, but the astrality can get in the way, i.e. jumping and screaming for connection when it's already there.

I have something more to watch in the spot in my heart. A deep, vulnerable pain, feels like a wall, a jagged edge, a burning sensation. I also have something to explore, something powerful and different, something special, not entirely unfamiliar. At times my usual mode of wanting and aspiring feels like a grasping - a clenching in of the etheric that mimics the centrality of the atom. A desperate clinging to verticality, like it will abandon me. And yet I know, deeper, that it is always there. It is time to shift modes, and release this heavy, heavy burden on my neck, my back, my heart, my whole energy. Spreading down, and down, and deep, and wide, finding aspiration and strength and connection where the OMC least expects it. Taking sleep by surprise. Igniting love for the connection, for fellowship, and for brotherhood.

Man, I love writing.