Today was a smorgasbord of experiences, a palette of connections, and a journey through the deepest layers of ourselves, the Archive, the universe... quite something. A packed day indeed. Where to start? Just brain dumping everything that happened, but from the verticality. Aaaaahhhhh.
This morning's vision spaces and meditation brought up the core samskaras and spots of astral tension being cooked by the work, where I am right now. My core samskara around losing connection and brotherhood, past life connection to the Archive, losing my teacher who I love so much - and all the blame I put on myself for it. The connection is there, and this part of me believes that I don't deserve connection, can't get it, and it's my fault... if that was the case, I wouldn't be showered with connection as I have been today, and every day here. And when I relax beyond the grasping, all the time. It's already there, always, simply need to relax and tune into it... making myself receptive and available. The blame only gets in the way... and behind it is fear. Fear of stepping into myself, my Higher Self, the full force and presence of the Ego. Not quite as defined vision as the blame yet, but tuning in... fear that I can't do it, I'll fuck it up. Fear of failure, of not being enough. Not being enough for myself, feeling I'm not enough for the Divine. This is so present, and yet so is the Shining warmth of the Ego, fire like the gods in me, the light of the Archive and above, the aspiration that keeps me going, feeling the Light, day after day even if my mind believes I'm not worth shit, ever. A choice to step into something greater, beyond self-doubt and illusion that plagues the astral body.
In the past life revealed in this samskara, I lost my beloved Brotherhood, my spiritual path and sense of connection, my trust in the fellowship; because I didn't let the fullness of my heart show, a special heart softness... A need for softness and strength, not shying away from the softness as much as the strength... there was a woman, a very special woman, whose softness and Spirit completed me... she left, not feeling the softness in my heart. I lost my trust in myself, trust in others... I believed I wasn't enough, became trapped in my own mind... first hiding the softness, and then the pain of disconnection, behind the facade of being big and strong...
I can still feel the fire of the Knights with me, right now. A pure, simple, high-flying lucidity, a clarity... a feeling of dangerousness, packed violence, arrogance and aggression, distilled to a pure, focused fire of consciousness. A golden breath, sweeping from a radiant space of gold, massive gold, gold everlasting and Solar, combinessence of the Tradition... the Whiteness of the Eagle at the Edge of Highness, massive, infinite aspiration... Takhar the Unbending, ever present in our course, deeply caring, fiery, radiant, joyful by the River of Rememberance...bringing memories, feelings, reintegration of the Self, the Ego... from his standpoint, laser vision on the world, the worlds above, on me above and below... the simultaneous presence of the shell of my limits, the potential within, the part that is already free and powerful in this fire. A letting go, an ever more receptive aspiration... riding the impulse that soars from Eisraim to Philadelphia. Knight Bleeding Sun.
All Glory to the Teacher. Samuel's presence above, Barkhan Seer, Takhar... the Masters of Thunder and the Tradition ever present, giving, empowering, fighting for liberation of humanity alongside us.
To the Point, Brother Knight!