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IST journal 12/30/19, with Annie

After catching up on the awesome goings-on of last course, we began IST by putting my core heart samskara in the space. Although, seeing as I tend to put too much importance more on the samskara + emotions than my juicy heart goodness, calling it "my core heart samskara" feels a little irritating.

Losing my love, losing my Brotherhood, losing my Teacher... Barkhan Seer. Forgetting softness. So much grief and tenderness, in that... where to from here?

Diving deep into the space, opening all around, deep in the heart, through layers of emotion and feeling. Coming to rest in the atom, a phenomenal fullness of Gold. Barkhan Seer, the Tradition... really feeling like the Sons of Apollo tonight!

Diving into the immensity of these forces. Spaces that inspire my music. The creation as music, spaces as music, presence as music, myself as music. A beautiful, joyfully open Whiteness as well... the Eagle is so good at opening! Space of time know-how, fluid higher view on timelines, on myself...

The joy of incarnation, incarnating these forces... I really focus too much on the pain that gets in the way, just be in these forces. But also, I'm so fucking exhausted all the time... that doesn't help. I love exhausting and exvoluting my kidney - staying up until 5 am online, on Pornhub, masturbating... such a waste of jing, and without an RR partner it's so unsatisfying! And half of the next day passes me by without engaging the will of the gods... what a fucking shame. Being half asleep, essential energies exhausted, how can I incarnate this fire without further grasping and exhausting myself? Let's dive right into sex and get satisfied, source this motherfucker.

Samuel's presence. So much joy and humor! Humor of the tradition, the Masters of Thunder. Such a sweetness with it. He is so alive, totally in the space... I spend so much time lamenting that he died and I missed the RR Master of Thunder. And yet, he himself said that RR Teachers kick ass... I'm not fucking letting go of my aspiration to have a real live Teacher, in this life or another. Return to the space of the Philadelphias, when the spiritual masters return... An awesome, endless flame of Whiteness, pure White Fire. Lightning flames of awakening all the way to Highness, an awesome opening, love, phenomenal softness. Can't say I've felt anything like it, before the Philadelphia space... An answer to my aspiration to have a teacher - an answer in Philadelphias, in the space of the Knights, in this life or another. Closer than I think... a living, awesome presence. Feels female. Reminds me of the Mia Lehrer legend... perhaps that merits a reread.

Irritation at my connector for not catching that space, trying to lead me elsewhere (i.e. Fellowship is the way post-guru). Not to underestimate the power of Fellowship, as I have before! And yet, as there was something to be seen in the aspiration, something to be seen in the reaction... I can see better than you, dumb bitch. I can see better than all of you, you're all so fucking asleep! Hmm... a higher mode, in there? A massive white-goldness of my own Self, a massive space deep in the atom... a space experienced around the earlier musical phase - beingness as space, as music; and beingness as consciousness. Myself as consciousness. An immense vastness, a softness, a clarity and a purity held deep in the atom. Frustration at not being in touch with this part of me, not incarnating the fullness of myself. Deep, massive forces within me - where are they, already?? Can we - ah - we gotta fucking awaken, already! Sourcing ambitious character, feeling and desire of being someone powerful and important in/to the Archive... desire to Be in touch with my own immensity. Integrity, holding each other accountable - I won't take any fucking sleep from you, nor from myself. The line between asshole and integrity is Fellowship - receiving as well as giving no-bullshit vision, burning love.

Ending the session with my winter solstice seed being replanted - I want to know, feel, the Fire of the Knights.

Another takeaway - feeling the energy, presence, the Tradition in my daily life, activities, DA. Aligning activities and wantings - how can I feel the presence of the Tradition here (activity x)? Pushing dynamic awareness, inner sound... presence in the atom. Having courage to change my choices and activities if vision-based reflection shows they go against awareness and feeling/being presence.

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