Barkhan Seer. MotherFUCKER. I FUCKING HATE PAST LIVES. Piece o... this is a waste of time. I'm upset because apparently, 90% of the story of past lives is bullshit from the OMC. Why do I even want connection, if I'm not destined for this tradition from a tragic past life of failed initiation, lost love, and a legendary teacher? Fuck me. Well, an improvement from the last time I had a meltdown about this past life shit is that I'm not jumping off the deep end and saying connection and vision doesn't exist just because I might have been slightly off target in some regressions... and I did have a cool, cosmological experience as a result of working on this samskara and accompanying story! But honestly, fuck me.
I suppose... at this point I've seen plenty of reasons why I love connection. My life feels so full and complete, I feel so awake, a bolt of purpose and meaning shooting forward through my life, through time. Life is worth living! And yet, there's a real intense part of my spiritual character attached to the story in this samskara... A desperate desire to feel what feels lost, to feel the magnitude of my will aligned with Spirit. To feel the power of Fellowship and Brotherhood, the Fields of Peace... hum, none of that reads like character-only stuff. I'll get clearer vision on what's OMC and what's Me as I keep aligning with connection and my Ego.
Feels like something has shifted in my heart with all this, an opening and vulnerability in this honesty... where to from here? I already know... just keep doing the work, aligning with the energy, and I'll keep figuring life out as I've been. Let the rabid victim be there, be held, but don't act and be from it... be in the qualities.
But I'm still damn curious, how the fuck did Samuel have such precise vision of his past lives? Do the rest of us not get that? Fuck me... lol
I started regretting making a vow in front of gods and masters to become a Knight... but honestly, that still fucking fits. A vow to make the work work, no matter fucking what. Even in the legends, it's not how many fantastic past lives you've had that will save humanity... it's ... Awakening! Everyone wanting to awaken, and wanting to help each other awaken. Oh ho ho! My column of Spirit and associated forces love the sound of that, baby. Hah... it's funny, every time I deconstruct a spiritual character reason for doing the work - becoming a Knight, if you will - I find a new, higher reason to do it - if I don't let myself be sucked into the victim, that is. Qualities are a magic wand for this... being balls-deep in reaction and whining can be neutralized by patiently opening back to higher levels of connection. It's not a coincidence that I was feeling particularly sleepy, exvoluted and disconnected when I began having these doubts today... and as I tried to find my way back to the Sun above, within, the Tradition - I conveniently began questioning if I even really wanted connection, or if that was meaningless fabrication as well, self-delusion... the OMC loves to label connection as delusion, right when everything counts! All Glory to the Teacher! Ahhh... great to feel some Cosmic Enthusiasm again. Hum... feels like Gold of the Tradition, but it's really Me that's being highlighted! Me as enthusiasm, Cosmic Fire... aligning with the clarity of Revelation Sky, high above reactions and OMC traps. They don't exist, in this stillness... gotta keep cultivating this, resting even more on denseness.
P.S. Hooooo boy. Looking at my choirmates' samskara lists, it's obvious why you can't just tell someone "there's a 90% chance this is bullshit"... past lives or no, these are some deeply encapsulated and painful emotions we are sourcing. Pushing away the mind's attempt to process the charges only gets in the way before a deep release has taken place... always remembering to flow with qualities and experience, allowing parts of your self to be highlighted. It's definitely one of those things that's easier to see in others, first.