Originally written a few hours before post below.
This morning I was meditating with my right leg on top, and as often my right side’s idiosyncrasies made me shift around a lot. It was necessary, as there was strain on my knee and ankle, and my leg was going dead, but it still pulled me out of the space and my atom, and I’ve been feeling rather thick headed and disconnected today. Probably some grasping behind this on some level, as I saw in one IST. It’s interesting what a difference the alignment from deep meditation makes to my energy and emotion levels. I feel sleepy in the head and de-centered, and it’s an etheric effort to tune in to the fountains above. The energy feels sucked out of my entire body, despite getting enough sleep, and my desire to move and be alive is lacking. And I am particularly anguished at my removal from Isabel, courtesy of no wifi. I have to work much harder to find something to enjoy in life, which is so necessary to be present without it being a painful effort of grunt will. Hence I keep turning to making music as it feels like a place I can be active and spread/merged at the same time. I often feel too lackadaisical, almost a depression on some level, to tune in above, but it’s simply harder to access. There’s a learning somewhere here. Something about the yearning for Isabel and the yearning to be connected feels similar, and so does the broken-ness.
Additional entry, five days later
Feeling this simultaneous, superimposed longing for human and divine love felt quite visionful. Both are felt in the heart, but missing the human love (in this early stage) feels rooted in the belly and the Dragon, while the need for divine love feels more from the higher centers. Yet both feel incomplete, somehow, when not felt both above and below. Leading to love is Love, perhaps. (Later reflection, after events of Monday and Tuesday - yes indeed, I can feel divine yearning in the Dragon and love for someone in the column. Not at all mutually exclusive, and not as different as it felt.)
Some quotes from the first two of Baha’s Seven Valleys, SEARCH and LOVE (the first excerpt by way of older texts) feel quite apt to describe both feelings. Really, I’m starting to feel that the best way to read Baha’s prayers are as Love poems, filled with longing for God - hence the description of God as the Inaccessible, Impenetrable, magnificently mysterious. You get to know Her and you just can’t stop, She’s more and more wonderful and enigmatic as you delve deeper.
“One must judge of search by the standard of the Majnun of Love. It is related that one day they came upon Majnun sifting the dust, and his tears flowing down. They said, "What doest thou?" He said, "I seek for Layli." They cried, "Alas for thee! Layli is of pure spirit, and thou seekest her in the dust!" He said, "I seek her everywhere; haply somewhere I shall find her."” (p. 6)
“The true seeker hunteth naught but the object of his quest, and the lover hath no desire save union with his beloved.” (p. 7)
“In every face, he seeketh the beauty of the Friend; in every country he looketh for the Beloved. He joineth every company, and seeketh fellowship with every soul, that haply in some mind he may uncover the secret of the Friend, or in some face he may behold the beauty of the Loved One.” (p. 7)
I definitely felt more committed searching for her in between wifi stints when I asked people I knew could help. Engaging will, forgetting embarrassment. Why save face, when there’s a face I want to see? 😁
"And if, by the help of God, he findeth on this journey a trace of the traceless Friend, and inhaleth the fragrance of the long-lost Joseph from the heavenly messenger, he shall straightway step into THE VALLEY OF LOVE and be dissolved in the fire of love. In this city the heaven of ecstasy is upraised and the world-illuming sun of yearning shineth, and the fire of love is ablaze; and when the fire of love is ablaze, it burneth to ashes the harvest of reason.” (p. 8)
Funny enough, I did smell her perfume when I was at the Shrine of the Báb one day, and I was convinced she was there. Instead, I ran into her mom! The gods were playing tricks on me... not to mention that phone nonsense on the bus. 🙄😂🙏🏽