Spiritual musings, journals and writing.


If love is the answer, you’re home

It’s ... kind of weird not having intense feelings for Isabel today, when I was totally in love with her yesterday. It gets me thinking, what’s love really about? I fell in love with her, if that’s what I want to call it, within a few days of spending time together in the Holy Land. Perhaps it was accelerated by the knowledge that we won’t see each other for a very long time after those nine days together. But it didn’t feel meaningless, or like puppy love, or physical infatuation. I really cared for her (care?) and loved the time we spent together.

Some things may not have been as deep as they first appeared - the “taking care of her” dynamic gets old quickly, especially because that’s not the fullness of her. Her complaining or feeling insecure, and me offering a solution or compliment to make her feel better. That one gets old quickly, and I don’t think she truly enjoys it either. (In fairness she was feeling worse because of meds + no sleep and she won’t be on garbage acne meds for much longer, just an emotional trap to avoid. She actually held out well all things considered, it’s good seeing how she deals in a stressful sitch.)

But in the sense of patient friendship while she opens back up after being hurt (from last relationship), that feels like worthwhile giving, and not draining/annoying like the other mode. (And of course, I benefit mucho having a close friend if we get there :)) The first mode feels more “samskaric” (using that loosely) - she gets stuck in unimportant problems, I give positive feedback by making her feel good about herself (and similarly I get something out of it on a shallower level by feeling like a protective and strong male figure, and a useful/helpful “fixer”). And besides, mutually taking care of each other is great, it just felt shallow and one-sided at times (understandable as she needs time, and I probably do too).

So... do I love her? There are plenty of non-alarming reasons for the shift in how I feel. With this much physical distance and not much shared history of friendship, combined with the pain of feeling separated from someone I started to really care for, this feels like a healthier (i.e. not unnecessarily painful) emotional distance. I still look forward to staying in touch, and I’m happy when I see her messages.

But we shared a lot of special moments together in Israel, and we mutually helped each other open up in ways we’d been closed for years. It’s funny in some ways, because many of the significant ways we helped each other open were not deliberate! (Which also makes me wonder how much of our experience was really about our compatibility and not other forces at play. But I suppose if you’re compatible enough for higher forces to land, that’s pretty darn compatible [and pretty close to what I’m looking for in a relationship].)

Just the act of liking and pursuing Isabel (after merciless teasing from my family with all the looks she gave me) was an opening for me. Throwing off the old nonsense of “all Baha’i girls are boring prudes” was a minor awakening in itself. Making moves on a very attractive woman is an exciting challenge, particularly doing it naturally (lol, also helped that we met years ago as teens). Being intimately warm with someone felt special, and I felt like I quickly liked her for more than just her appearance. It was a great feeling being with someone with whom my international + privileged background doesn’t feel weird, but she’s also down to earth so I feel comfortable being my everyday self (she wasn’t some “rich European girl”). And there was enough depth of connection between us that really opened something in my heart, which when combined with the presence working on me in the holy places led me to an opening around heart center grasping and Connection. 😇

It definitely feels like more than a chance meeting, it’s a real certified “meet-cute” (lol). In all seriousness, with how much our togetherness and interactions tied into my spiritual experience in Israel, I feel there is something meaningful and special about our meeting. (I worked hard to catch the flow of time/place know-how and avoid being thrown off schedule by astrality, so there was definitely a superastral scheme at play!) Perhaps it was all just to help me open in a way I wanted to spiritually for a while, and similarly to help her heal and open) I don’t like that thought; I do want to fall in love and have a relationship with someone! Makes me upset at the gods for “just” healing me through her/using me to heal her - there’s gratitude for you. But more likely, it’s just my mind panicking; there’s no reason why spiritual opening can’t be accompanied by love blossoming. I might need to be just patient and receptive, for now.

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