Capitaine Tulipe

Pourquoi est-ce que je suis si perturbé quand tu me regardes ?
Parce que j'ai les larmes aux yeux quand je suis heureuse.

Pourquoi est-ce si naturel de danser et pourtant si difficile par moments ?
Parce qu'on s'en fout.

Pourquoi les jours qui passent dépassent les nuits qui durent ?
Parce que les sentiments d'appartenance sont parfois renversants.

Pourquoi quand on mange vite il ne se passe plus rien ?
Parce que ce matin j'ai été au bois, te chercher les fraises sauvages du Berry.

Pourquoi est-elle cachée sous la table ?
Parce qu'il n'y a qu'en France qu'on est fièr:es du steak-frites.

Pourquoi une grenouille qui déteste les mûres ça choque tout le monde ?
Parce que je ne sais pas encore faire de grand écart, même si je ne désespère pas.

Pourquoi est-ce que j'aime faire la vaisselle ?
Parce qu'ils s'aiment sans peur.

Pourquoi, franchement ? Pourquoi maintenant, pourquoi ici ? Ou pourquoi pas ?
Parce que j'en ai marre de faire toujours attention.

I live in the city center. Not the kind of city center with nice cafés and greenery, but the kind of city center that feels like a huge shopping mall. During the day, it’s full of shoppers, it smells of capitalism, marketing, excessive consumption and impulsive decisions. During the night, another crowd comes in. Drugs and sex work, mostly. There is this spot, just next to the parking building, where all these women just stand in line. Sometimes they just look at me, sometimes they talk to me. No matter if I’m passing by foot or by car. I see them wait, and next time I pass by, one of them is gone. I always wonder how it works. Do they talk safety, money, location, corona? Or not at all?

Most of all I wonder how they’re doing. I usually have to stop myself otherwise I start to feel sick. I cannot imagine how it is to be in that situation. Mostly because I don’t imagine this being the kind of sex work that’s done willingly. Maybe it is the case for some of them. But when passing these women, I always think of the stories of emotional manipulation, kidnapping, abuse (emotional, physical, sexual), the fear I’ve heard talk about in interviews, and it riddles me with pain and horror. How can humans be so horrible. And I also wonder what brings people to solicit this service. Do they not know? Do they not care? And to hire a person who is doing this work willingly, and is happy to do so, sure. But humans that have been/are still potentially abused? I do not understand.

Let’s just say that walking home always makes me thoughtful.

I've discovered this amazing clip for myself: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ferZnZ0_rSM

The whole video is amazing of course, but the first track is a winneeeer!

I'm sitting at my desk while my oldest friend is spontaneously visiting and already sleeping on the couch. Having someone in the room sleeping is kind of amazing. Her presence limits the activities I can do, which helps me prioritise and realise what I really want to do before going to bed. I can focus, be in my bubble and feel good about spending time by myself.

I answered some messages, ordered some things that have been overdue and now I want to practice Italian a bit.

Eventually I want to write a letter to my sister and another one to my best friend, but that can wait. Tonight is happy place. Just enjoying the music and the time by myself.

What are the most important human needs? The beginning of the answer is pretty easy I think: air, sleep, food and water. And then movement: easy to forget, but very much right there in that first layer of most basic human needs. But what comes next? Stability or security maybe? A home, money? Or is it rather something coming from the inside, like self-love, self-acceptance, self-reflection or self-knowledge? Those sound pretty important to me. But what is more important? Having a bed to sleep in at night or having an internal feeling of stability? Both?

Once you've figured that one out, let's move up to the next step: social stuff. Family, friends, romantic partners, social status, work relationships, and so on. Is that less important than having a home? Would you rather be homeless and have friends or live in a home but be alone? For me that one is easy enough to answer, but both cases don't sound like a ton of fun.

And then, self-development, growth, change. I guess that goes on top: without sleep, you can't really learn a new skill. But can you without friends? And who's to say that one is more important than the other? And even within that category, how do you set a hierarchy between all the different elements of it? Creativity, learning of skills, meaningful work...

Maybe you get to choose for yourself what your own priority list is like. And maybe it's only valid for a few days. Or months. Or minutes. And maybe you don't need a pyramid.

But I do.

I do because it's 5am and I'm still not asleep. And I'm hungry. I think I thought the pyramid was the other way around. First, do things that you love, then sleep if you still have time. Well, no. Don't let this capitalistic world take over. You don't have to work every hour of every day, you don't have to hit productivity standards, you just don't have to.

And the fact that I clearly haven't fully internalised this message maybe points towards a lack of self-love and self-worth. So after I've slept, maybe that's what I'll work on. The third layer in my little pyramid. And pause all the fancy work and fancy learning, to give myself just some time to be with me and love myself.

Wanna join?

Here's the draft of the structure I'm thinking of. Maybe one day I'll take the time to go back over it. At the bottom are the most fundamental needs, at the top the least. But as written above, is it even possible to structure it that clearly? If yes, is this the right way?

• Self-realisation: hobbies, passion, growth, work, curiosity...
• Love and Social: family, friends, intimacy...
• Self-love: self-esteem, self-acceptance...
• Security: a home, stable finances...
• Existing (existential needs): sleep, water, air, food...

I guess the only sentence that comes to mind to finish this post is:

Work in progress...

Over the past few days I've felt massively shaken, for no specific reason. I've felt weak, tired, useless, worthless. And while listening to Billie Eilish's new single ("Your Power"), I connect more with those feelings of why. It comes from a lack of self-love, combined with structures that are here to oppress us, to keep us in control. To not loose the power. To keep "order". If I'm miserable and on my own, stuck on instagram for longer than what I wanted and sleep-deprived, I won't change the world.

In the meantime, I'm suffocating in my cage. The system has successfully managed to convince some of the people around me that using nail polish and make-up would be wrong. Or only okay if I was gay. And those things need to be defined, in detail. We need to be categorised.

I want more freedom. I want to wear skirts and sandals. I want to die my hair. Maybe have a tattoo. I want other people to be free to do the same. And for those who are already free to do the same, I want them to be really free: not judged for doing too much or not enough.

And I'm accepting all of this. This oppression. Because I don't know how to fight back. And somewhere, a part of me is busy feeling insecure. So I don't fight, because I'm not sure I have a right to. Who am I to decide what I'm entitled to? Well, myself. I'm actually quite well-informed.

Standing up for yourself is tiring when you're fighting both on the inside and the outside.

Let's try to fight on the outside. Inside, we just heal, love, smile and play.

--originally written in June 2020--

Especially when I worry, it is easy to not sleep. And my brain is wired in a way that makes worrying easy. And thus, I wait, and think, and do, until the morning comes – and now assured that life will go on, that not everything will stop overnight, I can sleep. I say good night to the birds that are starting their day, I contemplate the lake that is so full of light already (and probably very cold), and I go to bed, feeling safe that I will wake up to the same world.

I cannot trust the evenings. Going to bed in the evenings is saying goodbye to the past, which was still the present, but now I'm closing my eyes so it's the past. But I'm not in control, it's getting away from me rather than me saying goodbye. When I stay awake, I can see the time pass and I can decide to leave, to say goodbye to the present which is now the past, and it doesn't happen despite me.

I am made for the morning, to witness that everything is still okay, I am made for being awake when only the animals are. I am made to avoid the humans a bit, be on my own and trust that things, somehow, will be okay.

Things, somehow, will be okay.

Today I watched a video about productivity, and the guy at some point said: "at any given moment you are doing what you most want to be doing". I'm not sure that's entirely true, but I guess starting to question that sentence is a great example of missing the point.

I struggle to keep my priorities straight. And by now, I wish I'd know better to respect my needs and follow my priorities.

On the bottom of the pyramid, there is sleep and food.

Then, security (having a safe, comfortable home; having structures you can rely onto; enough money to buy the said food).

And after that comes the rest. Relationships. Hobbies.

But in this capitalistic society, I often feel the pressure to achieve more. And then I forget to sleep. Because I want to call with my friends, and play the drums, and watch all of YouTube's educational videos, and also write, do music, dance, work, reach inbox zero (in every app that ever existed) and read at least one full book before falling asleep tonight. I'm barely exaggerating.

And sometimes I have an idea. A little text I can write, something interesting, funny, or I've finally reached the next level of understanding or consciousness. And letting it go, as in, not writing it out right away feels dangerous. What if I don't get inspired tomorrow and never finish it? To which, rationally, I can answer: a) so what; and b) that's not how inspiration/creativity works and you know it.

Now that I got those thoughts out of my head, let's go to bed. (It's a lie, I'm going to start at least two more articles before closing my laptop.)

Parfois on redécouvre des notes des semaines ou des mois plus tard, sans du tout savoir de quoi il s'agissait. John Green a écrit un épisode de podcast à ce sujet, "Notes App". Le podcast s'appelle "The Anthropocene Reviewed" et voici l'épisode en question (en anglais) :

https://www.wnycstudios.org/podcasts/anthropocene-reviewed/episodes/anthropocene-reviewed-notes-app-and-sports-rivalries

Voici donc l'intégralité de cette note du 3 janvier 2021, à 0h53 :

« Aglaé : les couleurs du ciel, le vent

Juan : la musique

Areski : surroundings and linking with my body »

Peut-être que ça vous inspirera à jeter un regard au ciel, sentir le vent sur votre peau (ou ouvrir la fenêtre ou même sortir si par hasard vous êtes à l'intérieur), écouter de la musique ou faire un peu d'imagerie en visionnant l'intérieur de votre corps.

Ich werde oft gefragt, wie ich mir die Schneidezähne gebrochen habe. Und vorallem, wie das auch dreimal passiert ist. Die eigentlich Geschichte ist etwas lang, gar nicht so spannend und zwar etwas lustig, aber auch irgendwie nicht. Deswegen habe ich mir was ausgedacht:

Ich saß auf Toilette und musste groß. Mir sind die Beine eingeschlafen – was nicht selten passiert, weswegen ich die Konsequenzen davon massiv unterschätzt habe – und beim Aufstehen bin ich nach vorne gestürzt und habe den Waschbecken dann mündlich mitgenommen.

Jetzt wird ihr dieses Bild nie wieder los. Bitte.

Warum ist es morgens immer so kompliziert?

Wie fühlst du dich?

Wer bist du?

Wie stehst du dazu?

Warum bin ich müde?

Kann ich mich wieder umdrehen?

Kannst du mich in Ruhe lassen?

Aber kannst du mich trotzdem kuscheln?

Hast du Lust?

Oder nur Hunger?

JOYFRIEND

Hier ein Gedicht was ich für dich geschrieben hab:

Bae
is rocking their day

ICH

omg

ich IM PLO DIE RE

Roses are red
Violets are blue
You're pretty great
And so are you

Structure

Originally I had planned a whole series of articles:

1. Intro
2. Why I care about privacy
3. Easy steps to make it better NOW (and some ressources)
4. How I changed from Windows to Linux
5. How I removed Google from my phone entirely (I think)

In the end I'm just publishing the drafts, them being longer for the first bits (intro, 2. and 3.) and veeery short for the last two.

==========

1. Intro

This whole series it not going to happen anymore, because I'm not motivated to make something that would reach my expectations in quality. So much research, writing, editing, and therefore time, would go into it, that it would be a full-time job for at least a month or two. So instead you get this super compressed version, hope it's readable enough. If you have questions, email me!

Old introduction from April 2020

A bit of backstory

Recently I lost all my upcoming work contracts due to the Covid-19 pandemic and found myself suddenly having a lot of free time, and complete agency over what to do with that time. I started with just getting my to-do list done, but eventually I started reflecting too, and realised this: I've cared about my privacy for a while now – in theory.

But only in theory, because I'd never taken the time to take action. First because my employer between 2016 and 2019 was a company using Google products heavily, and second because it always seemed difficult to make a change without losing too much comfort. And suddenly we were in 2020 and I basically was using Google for everything.

When your actions are not aligned with your values, or furthermore, when your actions have not been aligned with your values for a long time, readjusting it all at once is a lot of work and takes a lot of time. But the most time I spent on orientating myself. Where to start, what to do, how.

I cannot spare you entirely from researching what the best solution is, and I can't do all the work for you, but I can give you a good starting point, a few very useful links and an overall idea on how to proceed. Hopefully it will make advocating for your privacy easier, quicker and less of a monster task. If you have questions or remarks, I'm happy to hear about them!

Have fun,

Captain Tulip

capitainetulipe{at}posteo{dot}de

==========

2. Why I care about privacy

At times, when feeling hopeless about avoiding the tentacles of big tech companies like Google and Facebook, I have wondered: why do I care? Why should anyone care? Why not just accept the state of things and embrace the convenience it gives us?

But over and over, I have come to the conclusion that it matters, and that we should do something – individually and together. In this little post I tell you about why I care, and maybe that will convince you to care a bit, too. If you want to dive deeper, I recommend checking out privacyinternational.org.

Quick note: as said in the introduction, these articles are not finished. Therefore there are still a lot of sources missing (that's the "[ADD SOURCE]" you'll see from time to time). You are more than welcome to check for yourself and send me an email if I said something unfounded. Sorry/thanks.

Why privacy matters

Privacy is a right

Privacy is a right, and even in the hypothetical case where I wouldn't care much about that right, I'd still like to choose. But the way things are right now, it's really complicated to understand what is in your control and what isn't. I knew Facebook was collecting data from every website I visit through "like" buttons present on those websites, for instance. [ADD SOURCE]

What I didn't know, is that Facebook is also collecting data when you don't have an account with them, creating a profile without your knowledge and therefore possibly against your will. (For details, I encourage you to check out this conference.)

A lot of things that are happening are actually illegal, but since it's almost impossible to check for most people, let alone to prove, it makes the fight really difficult. Let me give you a concrete example: since the GDPR was implemented in May 2018, it is illegal to gather data that will allow identifying you without your consent [ADD SOURCE]. But Google and Facebook track you in a way that ties that data to your identity – it's just hard to prove and therefore hard to stop [ADD SOURCE = https://peer.tube/videos/watch/5e5aed81-3340-4082-bcc3-9105ef5d1564 – articles about A-GPS – more?].

It has real consequences in real life

Quick note: here the writing stopped, you just get a draft.

• big companies shape a world where they make more profit, we loose rights, freedom, and weight of action

• even when I "opt in", my data is gathered far more than my content/knowledge/understanding (eg. A-GPS, source on Kuketz Blog and make parallel with content in other contexts, eg. privacy in your own home IRL, etc.)

• if we just accept this as a norm, we loose control and democracy to lobbies (brexit, trump, NSA, cf. privacyinternational.org)

• it makes me loose money (eg. codecademy data brokers, elevate premium)

• peer pressure that leads to consequences in the far future (insta pictures, sending nudes, tik tok)

The trade-off of trying to de-google-ise your phone, un-facebook your life, etc.

negatives:

• it's a lot of work
• not convenient (eg. your camera looses a lot of quality – to the extent where I've thought about going back to a regular android phone...)
• you can't control what your friends do (like put your details in their google contacts)

positives:

• you spend money on things that matter
• you can find a better balance with social media
• you act aligned with your values

==========

3. Easy steps to make it better NOW (and some resources)

Easy steps

• habits (turn off Wi-Fi, location, etc.)
• change router DNS
• cover your webcam

Resources

• restoreprivacy.com
• reddit.com: r/deGoogle, r/privacy, r/privacytoolsIO...
• Kuketz Blog
• privacyinternational.org
• https://www.reddit.com/r/degoogle/comments/cldohl/how_to_degoogle_lineageos_in_2019/
• https://www.reddit.com/r/degoogle/comments/g1yu01/google_alternatives_huge_list_restore_your_privacy/
• https://www.kuketz-blog.de/android-ohne-google-take-back-control-teil1/

Apps I would use on a regular Android phone, too

Note: bold is for really strong recommendations.

• F-Droid store, on top of the regular app store
• Bitwarden, password manager
• DAVx⁵ as a synchronisation tool for address book and calendar (mine are hosted on posteo)
• Emerald Phone App
• Etar Calendar
• FairEmail
• NewPipe: youtube replacement
• OpenTracks, to track your physical activities
• OsmAnd as a navigation app
• StandardNotes as an Evernote replacement
• Simplenote as a Google Keep replacement
• VLC as a video and audio player

==========

4. How I changed from Windows to Linux [draft]

1. I visited librehunt.org and it suggested I should use ZorinOS as a Linux distro (and I totally recommend it)
2. I went to the ZorinOS website and flashed a USB stick with the OS on it
3. I had to download a software to shrink my disk space on Windows C:/, you should find it easily by searching online
4. I backed up everything (in theory on a cloud + a hard drive, but I did only the hard drive // I also wanted to sort all my files before, but of course I still haven't done it to this day)

==========

5. How I removed Google from my phone entirely (I think) [draft]

1. I went to the Kuketz Blog (take back control series, in German) and combined those articles with an article about Magisk on the droid alternative website if you want to root your phone
2. I used the LineageOS installation guide
3. A lot of reddit posts from r/DeGoogle

Note: if you root your phone, every time you update the software you have to un-root it first and then root it again. Takes a while.

J'aime bien avoir des courbatures.

Les courbatures, c'est comme la confirmation d'un accord. Un accord entre mon corps et mon esprit de travailler dur.

Et mon être dans son entièreté se retrouve rappelé de l'accord que j'ai passé avec moi-même et de la complétion de cet accord. C'est agréable.

Chaque mouvement, quand je vais me coucher, me dit : « Tu as le droit d'aller te coucher. Tu as fait assez. Repose-toi. »

Musique : "If I Had You" du Teddy Wilson Trio + Jo Jones sur l'album "Complete Recordings".

En écoutant « Relaxin' » de Jo Jones et Willie "The Lion" Smith (de leur double-album "The Lion and the Tiger"), je regarde la lumière se faire tout doucement autour de moi. D'un côté le ciel rougit, près à s'échauffer pour le sprint quotidien, et d'un autre la lune refuse d'aller se coucher, brillant fort et se découpant nettement d'un arrière-fond qui n'est plus si sombre. Les arbres autour de moi se balancent tranquillement dans cette très légère brise matinale. Il est déjà 6 h, l'heure où beaucoup se lèvent. Je pourrais commencer ma journée, manger une brioche et aller courir. (Je ne le ferai pas, ce n'est pas raisonnable de manger de la brioche au petit-déjeuner et c'est encore pire de ne pas se coucher, mais la tentation est présente.)

Le sens de la vie, au-delà du partage et de l'apprentissage, se trouve dans la beauté. La beauté des nouveaux départs, d'un texte bien écrit et d'un paysage prêt à être peint. Il se trouve dans la recherche d'un idéal artistique qui nous aide à nous définir et à définir notre environnement. Ou, disons, mon sens de la vie se trouve dans la beauté. Et le sens de ma vie se trouve dans la recherche d'un idéal artistique qui m'aide à me définir et à définir mon environnement. Car, finalement, il y a peu de choses aussi belles que de donner de l'art à d'autres, leur donner ainsi des moments de beauté et de bonheur, comme le font Jo Jones et Willie Smith avec moi. Un savoir immense qu'ils partagent avec joie, dans une ambiance tranquille et humble.

Regardez un lever de soleil en écoutant « Relaxin' » de Jo Jones et Willie "The Lion" Smith, je voudrais savoir ce que ça vous fait.

Dear friend,
I am writing to you in English because of the few languages I know, it is the most gender neutral one.
I am exhausted. The list of things that depress me is so long, that I don't understand why I should go to bed tonight, and why I should get up tomorrow. Maybe because somehow, we have to continue? Maybe because there are people I love and people who love me? Maybe because I belong to the most privileged people in this world and should use that privilege to serve the people who suffer from injustice?
I am exhausted by being an artist who has to struggle in this capitalistic world, by being in a capitalist world at all, at a time where right-wing bullshit leaders are at the head of the US, the UK, Poland and many other countries, but mostly in a racist world. I am so tired, inside my big house with no income and yet no financial trouble because my parents can support me. And I can't even imagine how it is for others who have to endure more. People from countries with wars, refugees, blacks, people who got raped, tortured, or had to watch other people get raped, tortured or murdered. I am angry at this world with all those entitled assholes, with the police forces from both my countries voting far right, sometimes even destroying evidence of discrimination.
Why? It makes no sense. I am impressed by all those who keep faith and hope, and find the energy to still fight, point out, correct the mistakes or actions of the unaware or, worse, those who don't mean well. Those who still have energy to fight even though Trump wasn't impeached and Johnson got reelected.
I am tired of this bullshit and I can't imagine living one more day, let alone have children, raise them, and teach them how to deal with all this. So, if you also feel like all of this is bullshit, well, you're not alone.
If you have ideas on what to do, please write me. In the meantime, I'll try to calm down with this: https://youtu.be/ClYpJC-6HFM
Yours,
Tulip

Originally I had started writing a few tutorials about de-googling your phone, privacy 101 for beginners, that kind of stuff. But being the perfectionist that I am, I just never got behind finishing any of those articles. Or even if I have finished some, I have't re-edited them, etc. So, anyway, not happening. So I changed strategies: I'm just going to have a personal blog. Whatever I feel like writing, I'll just write. We'll see where this leads us.