I had some very creative moments in the past few days. Not just this, but I was more vigilant about noticing my tendencies to escape myself and my reality into intellectual and creative abstractions. I was able to look at myself with compassion, to tell myself that I can't just keep boxing myself into an obsessive, lonely cage to try to feel good about myself. A soft sadness comes at the realisation of this. It's time to change things up, to notice the patterns, to take better care of myself and find more balance.

The psilocybin definitely helped me to be myself around other people, too. I found myself talking openly and amicably with somebody I see at the gym semi-regularly. There was a mutual creative connection, shared experiences, and respect for each other.

Last night I took some THC as well, which I found put me in a very positive, present headspace. I was able to really slow down, observe my thoughts, meditate on them, and I ended up scrawling many many pages in my tiny notebook about difficult but honest thoughts I had been having about therapy. Many interesting observations about myself, and the way I think. I look forward to sharing these with my therapist.

I've been looking into macrodosing (AKA a heroic dose) psilocybin. I found very interesting papers written by Bill Richards Ph.D. of a Johns Hopkins psilocybin therapy research team. He compiled a playlist of music that seems like the perfect accompaniment to an introspective and profound psilocybin experience. He lists the required dose as under 25mg psilocybin, which would be about two and a half vials of what I currently possess, or around 5g of dried shrooms. This is indeed a heroic dose, one I don't believe I've approached. I am, however, reluctant to do it alone. I picture it happening in a remote part of the country, under a starry sky. However the importance of therapists or "supporters" being present is very much emphasised in Dr. Richards' papers. I do not have anybody in my life presently that I would want to ask for that kind of help... and that isn't a coincidence! It's no coincidence that I have nobody close in my life. I have created, subconsciously, the circumstances surrounding this sad state.

I did however mull over how best to connect with myself during such a trip. I've so far come up with the idea that I could write a large letter to myself, or perhaps record myself reading it, and then re-read or listen to it during the peak of my psilocybin dose. I could then write a response near the tail end of the trip. I think this would be extremely emotional and spiritual, but again, I'm afraid of such an intense experience alone.

dose 5 - ~20 drops liquid psilocybin

Decided to dose one day early, at roughly 1.3rd what I took last time.