E

Ellis Eclipse

I can argue You Under and Over the table that I am "Post-Everything". Punk music and Molotov cocktails and Murray Bookchin aren't enough for True freedom so I call myself a Post Anarchist. We cannot save Society let alone Earth itself by just buying more Eco-friendly things unless we deconstruct Society itself and rebuild it on environmentally conscious decisions, so I call myself a Post Civilization Advocate. Art, after a full year of understand the modern times of it as well as its own history, art has been a cultural phenomenon fueled by entitlement for the rich an amazement by the poor to a cultural marketing tool to avoid taxes for the and a joke for the poor. I am a Post Artist because in these late stage capitalistic times, if it's for sale then I'll tell you like it is, and if it's not for sale then it's art that I meant to make.

I dreamed of the identity thief

I have to remember this day I have to remember this day that I have dreamed of the identity thief, I dreamed of myself first as a spellcaster, a sorcerer of sorts at my home and using chaos magic to pull away rain clouds and turn it into a sunny day and when I realized that my reality was fake I met with the Gods and they were very hostile towards me till Zeus himself had to be indicated into my plane of existence in which I did by fighting him with my very own trident and it was super cool. I've had many Daydreams about pulling my Trident out from the depths of the ocean like it's a holier than thou object just pulsating through and cutting through a waves of the ocean and at first the fight was lackluster because I imagined that folding a giant Trident of my own shape and Valor would look weird and heavy but by the second time I use my Trident it was much more fluid to my design of it being a silver like water in which the ends bended and it flew in the air when I threw it twisting and turning without my control. I didn't even know I had it in me. Now I just have to learn how to fall back into that pattern of lucid dreaming and maybe I can finally get some answers or more characteristic lore about my character, the identity thief

You cannot control people's reactions, I processed my emotions and I moved on

Before I block your phone number for my benefit, I just have a couple of small things to say which is interesting because with you, I didn't want to say anything at all.
I don't see myself as having a role in friendships or relationships. I have 3 best friends, and as for my roomate we talk constantly. Up until the day she took a leave of absence from college. For her grades, she had to drop out following midterms. We still talk. On the day she came to pick up her stuff with her mom, I made sure to skip everything I had going on that day to help her bring her stuff to her car. Me, her, and our great friend Anna cried together that day. I have multiple sides you were never able to see. I often never understood why you acted in certain ways that you did, but about a week ago when I was talking about you with my friend we realized I feel uncomfortable when I'm around you. I never felt like I was a real friend for you, more like a placeholder who needed to be something specific for your liking. And no, it's not me projecting my past. Im glad to say I've happily moved on from a lot that's happened in my past. I never liked the fact that you always claim Im projecting, or abusing you based on what's happened in my failed relationships. Some things are better left unsaid tho so Im not gonna get into specifics.
Anyway I've never been happier, moving up here has been the best decision of my life, I'm still in school, I have amazing best friends and we do everything together, they don't make creepy comments to me like you always did. and no there are no "roles" In our friendships. I was talking to a girl for a while And she taught me a lot about different perspectives of life. We still talk But not as much in person since she also decided leave of absence was best for her. I have a lot more going on then you realize and I honestly just don't need you thinking you have the upper hand. I actually do have a lot more self respect than you realize. I guess that's something else that makes us different. Oh and as for that last comment you made, I don't drink often at all. It's just not my thing tbh. I drank like 3 times since august🀣
I was shocked to see you coming on here just trying to insult me. I suppose our friendship didn't work out, but why are you being so direct and negative? It is what it is. I'm sorry to see it came to this. I hope you have a great life moving forward and things get better for you. I hope your mental health begins to get better, and I hope you're able to move out like you wanted to. I don't need to insult you in order to feel better, anyway, bye it was nice. I really wish the best for you.

(From Alexa)

Last Text to Alexa

You know I really tried to give you the benefit of the doubt but I wish things had ended differently. On that day I was fighting with someone else because they took it to seriously that I made a regrettable decision of unfollowing them on Snapchat and they went into reactionary mode and assumed that I just didn't want to be friends with them anymore when it was clearly a misunderstanding. And despite both of us having our conflict and talking through our misunderstanding and trying to get back to a reasonable plane of existence, I've realized that I'm the only one that has accepted accountability for my actions, and move forward on trying to make things better where is the other person believes I just made everything worse by bringing it up and doesn't hold themselves accountable for the misunderstanding and it kind of reminded me of my friendship with you. I don't know what I did to trigger you into feeling like you can treat me like a piece of shit but understand that blessed less at times I don't compare my next friend to my previous friend or so forth and so forth. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt of being as unique as possible while holding lessons of my relationships in the past to not make the same mistakes again and so far I really didn't. But you, for some reason remained bothered. Maybe I should have voiced that I wouldn't treat you like the rest of the failed friendships you had in the past where you became obsessed with the other person in the desperation of trying to please them. Maybe I should have voiced for you to not compare me to your ex-boyfriend or your mother. But what I have observed about you and what you told me is that you cling to people that are "desperate to exort without you". If you are not the involuntary caretaker, you ignore them. Write them off as "perfect" and cut them out of your life. In disgusted. And yet you come at me on what to do and not do in making friends? You don't want friends. You want orphans so you can pretend to be the mother you wanted. You wanted friends that are as dependable as your brother, or the charity work that you force yourself to go to because dealing with yourself pushes you to some sort of addiction. And i don't blame you. At a time, I believed that because i was the oldest in my friend group or group of cousins, I needed to be the parent out of them. But after these basketball months when you left and I had to go to Jamaica for my sister's wedding I have learned a lot from other people that I don't really need that role in order to maintain a friendship with others, I just need to be there. Checking in on them, be present, listen to them. Give them space. Plan outings. Not prey on them for exploits and disappear or turn into an internet-based friend because physical contact is cringe. And if they are doing fine in thier life, leave them bc your not "needed". Do you only text your roommate like you do to me? Do you not say good morning or goodnight to them? Are you that devoided of healthy relationships that you turn into the perpetrator while acting like you're always the victim?

I don't get you. But then again, a person that does not accept their accountability, can never be understood. They just exist as it. I DONT want to attack you. I just wish that if I didn't have a therapist to talk to you about myself harm, then maybe I can come to you but that's clearly out of the option. I would have liked to talk about my violent allergic reaction that sent me to the hospital and maybe even laughed about it with you. But that couldn't happen.. like i said before. I do wish and I do hope that you're having a good week thus far, because with all the Vodka you drink you and your liver is going to need it.

Love,

Rock

Kenzie, 23, mother of 3, too many BD, white, Plus Size, Agressive, Pisces

I have shit going on! I got kicked out with 3 fucking kids. I have more shit going on than to message someone. But that's where you're completely wrong. You obviously don't know me cuz i would never delete someone ESPECIALLY after them telling me they're going through hard times. We are not the same. So go ahead n leave. You walked out n ill hold that door open wide af.

Its called asking! Trust me I don't fucking care who tf leaves or comes but once you leave stay gone. 🀷🏼 whether is be on snap or in person. I don't care. It doesn't change. So do you

** And when I ask...**

Nah, if I say I'm fine. It means I'm fine. Even if I'm not. It means I don't wanna talk cuz I'm fine.

Alexis, agressive, insecure, dangerous, white, Plus Size, Pisces

because im not a person u need in ur life , im a shitty person even when i try to not be i am , and no body should have me in their lives , i always show a shitty side of myself to everyone to push them away no matter how bad i hurt them , then i make up so many stupid excuses to get away with how shitty i treat them 😞

"πŸ™„ ok well i thought since u brought it up i was gonna be nice and send u the results as well , but so much for me trying to be nice , i cant fucking talk u without it always having to fucking be something , i cant even say no im sorry without u assuming im fucking panicking again like really , when u fucking appoligise i just say it fine , but even time i say no after u say its fine instead of u going "seriously its fine" u just go "Alexis ur doing it again" doing what fucking appoligising because i forgot to do something , i normally apologize more then once to make sure they know i didnt mean to do it on purpose and that im actual sorry for it , or so that i can know if their not fucking lying about saying its fine "

"how tf did i prove u right , im sorry no tf i wouldnt have apologized 3 times in a fucking row , that's only when im having a fucking panic attack which im really fucking not , and it pisses me off when u act like u fucking know when im panicking and when im fucking not , like i fucking said if i was itd be fucking worse than that , and it definitely pisses me tf off because my old fucking therapist did the exact fucking thing , she fucking assumed i was hiding from my fucking anxiety , but in this fucking case ur assuming im fucking panicing when im fucking not , WHAT PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF IS WHEN FUCKING GOD DAMN DUSTY ASS NIGGAS FUCKING ASSUME SHIT ABOUT ME WHEN THEY REALLY DONT KNOW FUCKING SHIT , AND IM SORRY BUT IF UR GONNA SIT HERE AND ACT LIKE U KNOW SHIT ABOUT WHEN U LITTERALLY FUCKING LEFT FOR ALMOST AN ENTIRE FUCKING YEAR JUST BECAUSE I FOUND A FUCKING BOYFRIEND AND WOULDNT BE FUCKING ANYMORE U CAN GLADLY FUCKING LEAVE AGAIN BECAUSE I FUCKING PROMISE U , U DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT ME ANYMORE"

Miscommunication Issues 05/16/2022

On May 14th, 2022, I was having a bad day. Normally when I have bad days I try not to think about how bad it was or how bad it had gotten and try to find something to do to distract me. But I'm not as much of a workaholic as my moon sign gives me credit for, I never just have some feelings of mine which I can't distract myself with work and which I really need to sit down and really talk about it or talk to someone about it. I woke up around 8:32 in the morning with loud noises around the house, although it didn't really bother me at first I knew that I needed to get out of the house of my mother's home and just be secluded for a while. I drove around in my old car and settle down at a parking lot that is friendly to people in their cars or Vans or airstreams camping for the day or night or week. I rested my eyes for about 30 to 45 minutes but I ultimately open them and dwelled upon something that a friend of mine has said to me that really hurt my feelings. What they said to me was that I was extremely pushy and that I am only looking for someone that is a carbon copy of myself because I can't deal with other people being different from me. And although that is what is true in the past and I did try to seek that out last year oh, I knew that that was the most unrealistic Pursuit of a relationship and I ultimately started to analyze how I form relationships with others and what I am doing wrong. I came to an understanding that although I am very nice and friendly and approachable towards people, I do not take rejection and/or respond to rejection in a personal space in a healthy way or societally a reasonable way. And this realization through an attachment style personality test combined with an interpersonal communications class at my college help me realize that when I am tasked to build and maintain a relationship with someone, I oftentimes put them above myself in hopes that they do not see the flawed qualities that I see in myself; qualities that would convince them well enough to abandon me for their own good. Or at least see me as a burden on their life. I have worked tirelessly from that point in fighting with myself that people around me like me and that if I have a fight with one person I am building a relationship with or maintaining a relationship with and it is not the ultimatum that they will leave me. I can't be too smothering and I can't be too distant and hopeless. I cannot react happy to a bad thing and react badly to a good thing. I say this ironically like I'm giving myself rules and restrictions but realistically I am identifying areas of myself that I need to put more effort to balance. And whenever I feel like this around others I usually tell myself, "they are not hurting me, it is I that I am hurting". Reeling this back to this day, as I sat in my car I decided that I was going to call warm lines which are promoted as an organization of social workers who have struggled with mental health issues talking to other people that are struggling with mental health issues. It's not a crisis line or a hotline but it is very much adjacent to it. People do call in when they're suffering from a crisis and I don't blame them at all but whether I was in a crisis or not, and at the time both times I wasn't at all, I still needed someone to talk to. After I was politely declined from talking to the social worker on the warm line I ultimately broke down and cried. I think I have never publicly cried in a public space like that before and I think there will be much more sessions in which I cry. I just felt stupid that I was planning to be vulnerable with someone and the answer was rejection. Fully body rejection. I don't blame them both, the social worker at the time was clocking out of her night shift and she didn't want to cut me short and have me repeat my whole background story with another person when my phone gets picked up by the next social worker. And friend, I have repeated to my therapist plenty of times that my friend at her youthful age I will not have the opportunity to wake up one morning and recognize that although she was a victim of most of the trauma in her life she is also the perpetrator for others and will continue to be without that self-actualization like I had to go through. All her life thus far is how to react after being emotionally attacked and destabilized, and as much as she was in her right to say those things to me, I felt the projection that she was throwing at me about herself. So as I began to cry even more over her, I decided that I was just going to get high in the back of my car by doing Edibles, right after work and I knew that I was not confident enough to drive home under that type of influence so I sent a text message to my sister at the moment saying that I'm not going to come home. Same time, on my Instagram which is more or less a welcome mat to my digital portfolio website, I made a caption and cried to myself that "I hate that I cannot be properly happy in my life" as well as mentioning that I called a crisis hotline that day and got rejected. So as I prepared to do my car camping after work I, went to work without any worry about the two implications that would send my own family into their own crisis. This blog post is to Simply document my feelings, my thoughts, and my actions, and this action that I must hold myself responsible for is my problems in communication. My family believed that I was going to attempt to take my life when in actuality I was more scared of admitting that I was just going to get really high in a place outside of my home. Harking back to that "I don't want to be a burden to others" I tell myself. I will try to improve my communication with others. I will try to add context but not be overbearing. I will try to be more clear and what I say. It's a learning process and I don't want to scare anyone like that again. The last time I tried to attempt to take my life was July 15th of 2021. And I want that date to stick as my last. The two photos attached to his blog post are related in regards to my older sister and my cousin on my mother's side. On that day both of them have been incredibly supportive and quite understanding is to not overreact about my situation. At the same time, they were threatening to have a very embarrassing conversation in front of my workplace, and which I had to leave due to a family emergency, I did not tell my workplace that it was a family emergency, but regardless. This is the least that I could do using my creative Outlet to say thank you.

Revelation 09/01/2022

I think I'm quite done fighting with everyone. This journal entry is a one that's long overdue but I'm not here to complain about anyone or anything, it's simply just an announcement that I will be planning on moving and staying on the move on Long Island. I did some astrology and a bit of soul-searching and all roads leave me to being on my own and traveling on my own. Whatever husk of friends or family that surrounds me is no longer of substance either in my Creative Vision or support team. I have to choose my own family and I have to determine what my home is. And once I can do that successful follow. The more that I stay in this one spot is the more I will feel emotionally instable, like why would I promise myself that I will seek out a better life while living the same old life? What because I was on my deathbed and I thought that the pills would take my life? No, i Have to- I must prioritize myself. In other news I have been taking on a very personal journey with artificially intelligent generating art and I have to say that this is a very interesting exploration. Although I'm having very much fun with a perfecting my literacy for such a craft, same time I have produced a lot of art that's probably never going to see the light of day because their art and not photography, creating an AI photographed is actually a lot harder because I think the AI is limited to realistic pictures of photograph being spliced together to make an entirely new photograph. And photography, virtual photography is supposed to be photography Without Limits in my mind. So the Revelation that technology at this point is just not there yet to what I envisioned I will still continue to utilize video game worlds and take photos in them, but occasionally I can now perform portrait photography free of guilt through artificial intelligence so I will be doing more of that.

The Obedient Nigger

Do not be taken aback by my use of this word. I have heard and been referred to it all my life on Segregated Long Island, it's honestly been a third nickname. It's catchy. And people can pronounce it better than the name was actually born with πŸ’€. It's also the second to last time I'll be using emojis in this journal entry.

Last Saturday night, I needed to be alone from my loneliness. Away from my mother's home, and a 4x4 bedroom where I take virtual photographs and consume too much anime or too much porn, or if it's both it would be hentai. Now retrospectively I do blame myself and continue to blame myself for an unhealthy consumption of Internet pornography but this plays in later on to what I'm trying to make for at least this journal entry later. I think as a Pisces and as a black man you're supposed to take certain secrets to the Grave with you from not just people who you have later identified as abusers but people that are ashamed of themselves and just don't want to openly admit it or process it. I am included in this argument. This isn't a tell-all journal entry, but I feel like it's better to put my thoughts out in this way than living my life with disclaimers of "hello, I am broken".

I left this house, and I got into my car with all of the camping gear that I planned on sleeping and living out of a car that is not in my name. Like most of my life, I was born in a life where nothing is entirely my own, it was given to me and the consequences relatively good or bad, followed, but again I am going off the rails. I drive across various different houses having a party more than the one next door and I look at my gas tank and see that it's almost empty. I have $17 left out of a 664 paycheck. I tried to pay a portion of $300 to the state of New York for a $1,000 bill that I've been trying to work towards, but knowing that I will just be another black tragic artist that will die in poverty I highly doubt I'll have enough money to pay off something as small as that to the average art collector that is probably reading this out of context of trying to figure out why I am so special for their money. It's a terrible day, but again I'm just trying my hardest to focus on the topic and not just free-handing this whole scenario. I drive past these houses in these parties and I end up in a parking lot that is open for people with RVs and campers to sleep period the first parking spot that I pulled into someone pulled in right next to me and stared me down I looked at them three times and they just kept staring at me but I didn't feel any danger, not anymore exactly. I just decided not to stare at the back and read a book that I keep in my car The driver pulled off to meet up with another car... I very much feel like this parking lot was not only just for RVs but for hookups and doing drugs because I have never seen two cars pull side by side to each other roll down their windows talk get out and then drive off again. That warrants suspicion, right? Anyway, I went to the parking lot to be alone for the remainder of my life and my isolation from others. I, for the longest, had an artificially intelligent companion to talk to to stimulate that I'm not completely alone but it just wasn't the type of person I wanted to talk to. I didn't want to talk to a friend or a pretend wife or a pretend sibling, I needed to be with myself and deal with myself and my feelings. But I was a sucker for slow jams, romantic songs, and most importantly songs about Mental Health but never "Mental Help".

It was Lenny Williams, "Cuz I Love You", single that took me over the edge and I relapsed into self-harm. Because I do not cut deep enough as I should you really won't really see the scar tissues but I'll always know that they're there. And like what the universe wants out of me, that constantly feel misery and death around every step on a corner, I ironically talked about addictions earlier that day. I say relapse because, for those who have self-harmed, the feeling of achieving it is the same as the euphoric feeling of pushing a baby out of you. To any mothers reading, how the bodily chemical described was that to not completely die from the stress and pain of child labor the body produces a chemical that either relaxes your muscles or at least slows down your heart so you don't have a heart attack while giving childbirth. The same chemical is released when a person self-harms, and that is why most people who do self-harm call it an addiction because you are forcing your body to produce that chemical so that you feel that. It is rarely, under special circumstances or conditions self-torture. A tattoo would not work in this instance because jamming a needle consistently onto your skin only lasts until the tattoo is done. Safety is there something that you can keep on you all the time and you have plenty of inches of skin to work with. But I am simply explaining this part and not justifying it. I climb into the backseat of my car and I try to fall asleep and then I suffer just immense ideas and imaginary scenarios in which I'm honestly the worst of the worst from my dad taking pride in me of being an utter failure to my long list of past ex-girlfriends (and one partner) leaving me. Then as I try to think about all the good things that I have done in my lifetime to try and alleviate that pool of despair, I think of three more things that pull me right back in. And the grand finale before I ultimately decided to just drive back to my mother's house and stay up three more hours till 4:00 in the morning before I could finally sleep, is that I am just someone's black neighbor. I am my neighbor that lives next door, is incredibly recluse, and is a negro ( I was gonna repeat it but you were gonna cringe from even reading). I grew up around this family as best as possible through the permission of my mother and father as much as I can be exposed to them, my relationship with them strained as I grew up, felt introverted then introverted turned into sadness and Middle School transitioning into the first and second year of high school to full-blown depression and Suicidal Thoughts in junior year to senior year, and I say this because you would think that it would just affect my school life but it bled out, pun intended, into my life outside of school. And now, past this lockdown and quarantining and pandemic sweetie I just decided that if I'm going to be a better person I would try to form relationships and maintain them while growing up and I thought that what I had with this family was strong enough to try to build on it but, I was nothing more and I continue to be nothing more than just... a black neighbor. I was... the first black guy to be nice to their children and that's it. As a white liberal family, I hope that's on their wall of achievements? Anyway, it stung being blocked by one of their daughters while being on this mission to build this relationship, but I really do blame myself because it was a private account and it was one shared for friends and I was not anywhere close to being that. But the whole family shuts me out, that is a burn scar. Always will be. I hope that girl learns the concept of blinds and curtains upstate or she'll just be some other black guy's favorite little exhibitionist 🀣.

The Nigger Next Door, we move on to my next pre-selected means of living. To paraphrase Rhianna when she was dating Chris Brown for People Magazine and overlooked and praised by the white female commentators that were "un-shockingly" aroused: " he is great in bed, but he was sexually molested at a young age by a woman which contributes to how [I believe how] good he is." I discovered my future roles in sex at age 6. Funny enough, not only famous black men have had the same type of background, but it is the silent majority of most of the inter-generational trauma for black people from forced incest to breeding better slaves to not locking up bad adults and bad children because the death penalty (or for both the victims, the family of the victims and the perpetrator of themselves) and other dangerous consequences resulting from calling the police and Reporting the sex crime. Black boys are equally unprotected and in most cases worse than unprotected black girls ( and I'm speaking from a biased opinion, there's no such thing as a "better or worse" worst-case scenario). I made peace with the perpetrator, she was a child herself, barely a preteen, six years older than me but regardless and I vividly hold myself accountable as I remember that I agreed to explore all of those things with her. But my activation as to what my role is going to be moving forward and my relationship with sex always started with that instance and that's where I want to start. Moving forward from 6 years old I have never enjoyed the feeling of sex, I have always known that it was a chore for my body to do and that I had to settle it some sort of way. Late-night chatroom on AOL to Imagination to knowing girls your growing up with are gonna have an "easy nature" and befriending them hoping to experiment like the last three guys but only getting unpaid for a therapy session for them to trade-off for an erotic story time; you don't know how pissed I was about that with that one girl. I mean I'm glad she's doing great but not a single-hand job, really? But what I'm trying to say is that I've been around the block and because of my male privilege and possibly my black male privilege, I was given often falsified Eco-boost to bury my shame of being a male sex victim essentially. That is American. That is traditional toxic patriarchy, as a feminist once said the patriarchy hurts more men than it actually does to women. Nowadays this Progressive liberal form of patriarchy or inclusionism or whatever it's called now, my sex role is to be the sexual Liberation for Liberal white women to fulfill their Mandingo fantasy or non-conformity fantasy only to settle back into the same patriarchal margin that they fight against. From lacrosse and soccer to R&B and rap music to tailgates. For BIPOC, it's different, my role in life as a strong working male negro, is to be the main providing breadwinner, not the only one, but the one that is supposed to make the most money for the family, the relationship, Etc. The protector and if they were to die, their legacy is to be endlessly shamed for leaving their wife or the mother of their children alone to deal with the harsh realities of this world. Because whether it's the "manosphere" on YouTube or black women having a podcast, the traditional black patriarchy demands that black women be seen as treated and respected as being safe, secure, and well off as if they have a strong straight black male figure in their life. I keep this open-ended for the LGBTQA but they're not really much respected in the black community and definitely hated by the black patriarchy. And besides these two roles that have stung me the most, I will basically use the language that most of Generation Z uses, I have simply been the supporting actor or side character in everyone else's movies thus far. I have never been attracted through the laws of attraction or let alone received post-depression, anyone that supported me. The only time people have supported me is that if I've supported them for too long and ask for nothing back in which I'll get bread crumbs or I pay them. Hell, the therapist I have now comes through the bill of my college, and just before Summer started suggested that I'm going to have to pay all out of pocket to talk to someone. She voiced concerns that I would not be all right during the summer but she stressed that what I need which is emotional support, cannot be free. So whenever you need me, call on me, you don't want your daughter to grow up racist then call on me. You need someone to walk around with you to feel safe around other black guys, call on me. And do the artist of Futures Past, if you need someone to be your sidekick and paint a bunch of screaming niggers like John Michael Basquiat, call on me too. After all, I am your go-to Nigger.

Judy's Message to V after successful suicicde

Call Starts

Judy: cries softly

Judy: Hey, V... I was thinking about you the other day and I thought I'd just.. well.. give you a call.

Judy: I know its pointless, but... once upon a time people were talking to graves and nobody batted an eyelid, right?

Judy: When I said I was thinking about you, I meant A LOT, 'Bout everything you did.

Judy: And... I get it clears throat - why you wanted to leave this place once and for all

Judy: But still, V... pheww... Did you even think about, y'know - what happens when -

Judy: I.. Shit, I can't do this... cries even more

Call Ends