Yesterday's total screen time (mobile/desktop): 1h 57m
For someone who is supposedly practicing Buddhism, I am anything but calm. In fact, I am enraged. I'm writing this blog post instead of doing this meaningless assignment so here we go --
Today, I took back my mornings and dedicated it to my well-being and decided to go on a run to the park. I'm glad I did that. But then, I realized I screwed myself over and didn't block out enough time to do my homework that was due in class a couple hours after (partly my fault for putting it off, but hey, they shouldn't assign so much crap, yeah?)
So then, I decided to skip all my classes for the day to catch up (this is quite common among college students... how messed up is a system when you have to resort to backwards action like that?) and I've been doing my work for the last 5 hours with minimal breaks and I still have an hour or two to go. And for what??? I'm going to forget the material the second after I'm tested on it, my toiling does nothing to improve my own welfare or that of others, I pay thousands of dollars every year just to have multiple mental breakdowns a week, I'll argubly come out of college a 'worse' citizen (I hate the world and the government even more with every passing second I'm here!), every lecture is simply 50-75 minutes straight of an "intellectual" chewing their own cud, I know everyone else is suffering but they're afraid to admit it and SAY SOMETHING, and I'm not even guaranteed a good job, which, I'm not too excited about the workforce either!!! I love college~!!!
I love having to stare at a screen for hours on end even though the opposite is what I'm trying to accomplish with the detox! I love having to work like a machine whipping through assignments and providing all the 'right' answers! I love feeling stuck in this position because in the real world, there's nothing really out there for me!
This is why it's so much easier to escape it all...to game, to surf the web... this is the attitude that got me into my brief 4chan phase, because there, people felt the same way. I no longer felt lonely with my extreme opinions and aversion of society. This is also the attitude that lead me to anarchism, though, I truly am trying to take the "Middle Way," which in Buddhism is the balance of the mind and ideology. But a lot of the time, I can't help but feeling like a victim. And I'm not the only one. But the average person (especially my parents, lol) doesn't want to hear ridicule of "the system" or whatnot; they only want to maintain the status quo. And so it goes.
It felt good to rant. But I still have two more things to work on before the night ends. Nothing has changed about my situation, even after letting it out. Even after stress-crying twice today. Society feeds me, clothes me. I'm grateful. But only my body is alive, and my soul is dead. I drift from meaningless endeavor to the next. I'd prefer if they just left me for dead, if they admitted their true intentions and didn't mask them. And yet, I can't drop out. I have no plan, no lined-up opportunities. This stupid grind I was prodded into after high school. I was one of the "gifted" kids, one who, like the rest of them, ended up depressed. I had a 4.3 gpa in high school. All my teachers loved the idea of me getting into a good college. But they never asked what I actually wanted, or even taught me there were other options in the first place. I was just a poor, naive, innocent kid in preschool who loved learning and then blindly followed the trajectory they laid out to me. I was lied to. I was deceived.
But all I wanted to do was start my mornings with a jog to the park. To drink tea and read literature and poetry. To play my guitar. To talk to a therapist. To travel. To have a cup of tea with a friend. To volunteer to a cause I'm passionate about. To learn French. To go on a bike ride through a forest trail. To stay in a monastery.
But all my dreams and desires are pushed to the background, while studying, following orders, feigning my excitement to learn, memorizing, commuting, sitting, staring at a board, and over-spending money on tuition is pushed to the forefront. What kind of life is this? It doesn't matter if I join a student organization, see a friend for lunch to destress, or get a job, the fundamental passivity of college still remains and takes priority. I've done all these things during my college career, and at the end of the day, when I need to sit down and open my books, the suffering still envelops me just the same, no matter what I try and do to escape it. It doesn't even matter WHAT I do: what major, for example. I've switched majors like 4 times! Now I'm studying in a field I'm passionate about, and the bullshit format of classes still follows. Even though this is a field that could be meaningful and help people, we still do meaningless work and help no one.
This is going to be hard to get over. I'm halfway through and am unsure on how to continue. Maybe there is no 'how', but just "continue." Nonetheless, I'm going to stay angry. It's impossible to conform to this way of life. If there's an opportunity to revolt, you bet I'll be there.