Eh (Digital Detox Day 16)

Yesterday's total screen time (mobile/desktop): 6h 54m

I was going to continue the rant from yesterday and go on a full tirade but decided to meditate instead. I didn't really have a good day today, but I can choose to have a calm night spent with some quiet reading before bed. Tomorrow I'm going on another run and I need to do homework (to which I will allocate enough time for unlike the other day). It's a lot easier to cope with the world when you have no expectations. After the week(s) I've been having, these expectations I have for others have been dropping like fleas. I don't know if it's a modern tech era thing, but wow, people don't know how to talk to each other. To confront one another. To treat each other like human beings. I don't want to be treated like trash, but attempting to assert myself in a world like this just leads to more suffering. Because of the expectations I hold others (and myself) to; and at least, I follow my own expectations. I still would like to be nice and courteous to others. I don't think I can ever stop caring. I read Meditations by Marcus Aurelius and found myself shaking my head the entire way through. It would be ideal to be a Stoic; but sometimes I feel far too emotional to get to that level. Perhaps now would be the crucial time for a re-read.

I suppose what lead me to this realization is that I sent a long email to my program advisor explaining some of the problems I've been having, and I urged to meet her so we can discuss. Somehow, I got some corporate BS response ("oh maybe you should switch your major cvsdfjsdojf") and she made no mention of meeting. As if she can't fit in 30 minutes with a struggling college student, which is her job? As if email is an adequate medium to discuss such matters? I literally could not have a more discouraging experience. Like everything around me is a JOKE. And maybe it's on me for taking it seriously. With every day that goes by, the more I say "fuck it" and the expectations once tightly clenched in my hands fly loose behind me in the wind to never be seen again. I want to be free. I'm slowly letting it all go.


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