Whenever I scroll through my posts, I notice that I always make the best realizations on the weekends. When my time is solely my own. With Monday around the corner and with little to no time spent on homework... I'm stressing out. My heart rate is high for just sitting here, thinking about it. This is the sort of stress that makes you conform to things you don't even care about. I had a thought to myself, "dude I'm screwing myself over, not the university" but that doesn't have to be true. I can slowly, over time, become less reactive the way I am now...because the kind of stress I'm feeling isn't the one that compels you into action. It's the kind that has you running in circles, ultimately accomplishing nothing. I can do without that. But this weekend was pretty good, because I got outdoors. Because I got working out. I spent 2 hours in the gym today and got my butt kicked. That's what I need to do every day. And it's crazy, because I go to these group classes, see folks there two, three times older than me, and they're pulling heavier weight and aren't as visibly fatigued as I am. It's an embarrassment; for me, for my generation as a whole, really. Why don't we, as a whole, value physical activity?
And the thing is, I don't necessarily like going to the gym. The banter is empty - I heard folks talking about coronavirus and I didn't wanna hear that. I don't care for the fact that it's indoors, that the workouts are 'artificial' in that it's nothing like doing outdoor active work, the mind-numbing music. But I appreciate the gym. My body doesn't know the difference, if I'm squatting a bar or squatting some timber, y'know? I need the gym right now, for the accountability, and the fact that all I need to do is show up and do what the instructor does. It's really not that much on my part!
I rip on college a lot, and I give myself permission to. I won't rip on the gym though, which arguably is another one of those societal institutions where a lot of bullshit occurs (I will rip on treadmills though, and repetitive cardio machines which are so bland...but I don't do those anyway). I give myself permission because I already lived the life of the scholar, and I suffer a LOT more doing mental hoops with assignments than the suffering that takes place during physical activity. It's like my mind, though considered sharp through my good grades, was poisoned by a slow-killing, low dose that has made me misanthropic, disdainful of the flesh, and overall adopt a negative mindset of life. That's why I gamed - essentially, to escape middle and high school. But after a workout...it can't get much worse. It was a beautiful day. I waited 30 minutes outside for the bus doing nothing, and I wasn't even mad. I connected with the body, I connected with the mind, and I connected with the soul. Studying things just to study them...just to pass tests... doesn't give me that same satisfaction. I talk like a college dropout, but I assure myself, I am getting this goddamn degree. I have transferred too many times and accumulated debt in the process to not.
It's funny because today is the last day I'll be spending with this laptop. After this post, I'm wiping it, and downstairs it goes. The paper notebooks are coming back out. My backpack will be lighter. My desk will be cleared for other endeavors. And it's funny because this is one of THE WORST times to be getting rid of the stupid thing. I have tests next week and spring break is in two weeks, during which I could, for example, bring my laptop to a coffee shop and get things done. But I know I won't. I had my laptop for the whole weekend and have literally done the bare minimum. This laptop isn't really adding to my productivity.
Anyway, it's late. I'm gonna get the Standard Notes app on my phone so I can update the blog...we'll see how this goes, lol. Will be interesting.