My classes are being held online at least for the next month...I am screwed. The past few weeks I've been putting minimal effort into projects and doing homework the day of. I have an exam tomorrow I was going to make a Quizlet for but now it's too late where I'm past the point of even trying. I'll probably just review my notes for a half hour in the morning and wing it. It's awful, these habits. And I know I'm going to spend a lot of time suffering for the next month if I don't get it together. But every time I look at this laptop...I feel repulsed by it. I'm much more likely to finish things when it's physically in front of me. But when it's online, it's several realms away. That's the excuse I tell myself, anyway. It's true, but it's not helping me much. No one's gonna keep me accountable except myself, but I'm not doing that great of a job at that.
I didn't go for a run today, and in hindsight, I kind of regret it. I'm definitely going tomorrow. I did a light dumbbell workout in the basement but...it's not the same. I don't feel fulfilled right now because I hardly spent time outside - by spending the majority of your days inside, you lose sight of what actually matters - because the laptop on the desk which I should be using to get my work done, or the TV in the living room with its neverending streams of information do not matter to me. Like I said, I was ready to junk this gosh darn laptop before I realized that I "need" it; not my soul's "I" but the "I" who operates in society, who attends an institution. We definitely need to make this distinction...because who I am when I'm on the trails and who I am when I sit in class are arguably two different people. And that's what makes it so hard to follow one path, because of outside influence, and the different selves that we occupy in a given space...
I don't even know what's going on anymore - in this world, with myself. What a mess my life has been recently. I'm so disorganized, I hate the standard way of life, I don't know how to make an alternative for myself, the work keeps piling up...
I'm also debating if I should keep this blog or not, as since I've started it, I've stopped writing in my journal, and the fact I need to type these posts digitally is completely backwards to my mentality; I thought keeping things online would hold me accountable but literally no-one but yourself can do that. And I've reached the point where I'm discovering new ideologies, and stopping the browsing of the Internet is more a symptom of my goal, which is to rewild -- to explore nature, to become more in touch with my roots, to remove society's domestication that holds me hostage to my addictions (the internet, sugar, sweets, comfort, laziness).
Just next week I'm volunteering on a farm; I've done it once before, and it was a great experience. I spent a lot of time outside, getting sunlight, interacting with animals, getting a natural workout in by the transport of hay and harvesting vegetables. I told someone I was going to spend my spring break doing that, and she made a face -- "don't you get dirty?"
Uhh, duh! Obviously it was a rhetorical question but the fact that we as an advanced society see ourselves as pure, clean, intellectual, all that bullshit, turns us away from what historically, as a species, has made us happy - physical activity, tribal community, healthy food, etc.
I have spent so much of my time "self-improving" in the realm of becoming more 'productive' and 'smart' but it never worked. And finally when I was able to reframe it as a way of returning to my roots, I've been able to work out for a few days in a row, which, is quite impressive. See, in the past, I would set up a schedule (going to the gym 3x week and doing nothing the other 4 days), because lifting every day would kill the gains, and we need rest days, but do you think the cavemen had REST DAYS? I'm not working out to look good, which is a half-assed reason in my opinion - it won't work for me. I don't care about being super attractive, I care about being healthy, capable, fit. Man sometimes when I really get to thinking about it, everything around me is just a facade! Can we please wake up?! What happened to our values?
I'm honestly losing my mind, and I have no time to lose my mind, and spend hours simply thinking to myself because I have all this damn homework I gotta start on that literally does not concern me right now. I am in the midst of a mental breakthrough, honestly. I am questioning literally every single societal norm and breaking it down step by step. I just want to spend the next couple months pondering. But I cannot; I keep getting interrupted!
There's this podcast I've been listening to, and he repeatedly refers to life as The Matrix, and I know it sounds edgy, but it could not be further from the truth. All those edgy 14 year olds that you might've known in high school were ONTO SOMETHING, they just weren't able to convey it with logic and theoretical reasoning - their hormones and puberty just makes them seem overly emotional, but... they are right, nonetheless!
This blog post is long, and I want to watch this French movie tonight to "study" (my exam tomorrow is for French, and that's a habit I've gotten myself into...to "study")
But yeah I don't know. life is crazy.