Today was the last day of having class in-person for the next month, or potentially 2 months. The whole day I was in a negative mindset, because I have a hunch that my GPA will drop drastically as a result of all this; I'm in disbelief that I'm forced to get an online education though I pay for a LOT for a tuition that specifically isn't. I'm distressed at the fact that I'll be spending a lot of time sitting, indoors, eyes burning from staring at my laptop. I passively watched as I saw the connections I made with professors and classmates this semester wither away...and now, they've released us into the wild with no guidance whatsoever. Great. The only thing giving my life structure has vanished before me in an instant. I gotta figure out what I'm gonna do, and soon. But this could prove to be an opportunity - I could, for example, structure my life around my physical and mental wellness and have school simply be a sidepiece, and accept the fact that I'm not ending the semester with all A's. And that's what I'll probably end up doing, I just need to figure out HOW: when am I waking up? when am I working out? when am I doing school stuff? etc. etc.
I almost didn't even go on my run today because I was stressed by the whole thing; and then my mind started going off on a tirade, on the way home: "this city SMELLS" or "the bus always has these CRAZY ASS PEOPLE" or "why are they always BUILDING some damn thing?" Earlier there was a pair of girls walking to class; one turned to the other, and said: "I had my AirPods in but I forgot to play something haha" as if it was a JOKE?! Uhh it's called common courtesy if you're spending less than 5 minutes walking to class with a friend, you could enjoy their company silently or perhaps engage in conversation?!?! It's wild because my campus is pretty small and compact and I see people with AirPods in EVERYWHERE. Bruh, you've been going to classes back to back and you can't have a five minute gap to refresh your brain? You gotta fill it with some trash or overload it with even more information? And don't even get me started on my run -- first off, this asshole was leisurely smoking on the trail, damn near polluting the last sparse source of clean air in this place, and then there was this other guy, who I was running past VISIBLY in my running gear and he asks, "hey, do you have a cigarette?" Yes, here I am, running, with a whole pack of cigs in my pocket right at your disposal! And then everything comes together - my school is kicking me out because some folks in China thought it was a good idea to eat some bats; everyone around me appears to be utterly mindless of the impacts of their actions on others; and "life" as society describes it is absolutely absurd.
My blog started out innocently - I certainly wasn't as radical as I am now, 24 days later, but life is ABSURD, nothing can describe anything, and I am beginning to care less and less about all this superficial bullshit man. And I don't think that makes me a better person than anyone else, because I'm still a "slave" to the same things they are. And if I wasn't, I'd want to find a way to help, but I know they probably wouldn't listen. I know because people have given me advice in the past that I'm just now coming around to, years later. Either way, it feels good to open your eyes and realize how much really doesn't matter. What we take seriously should actually be what we take least seriously, sometimes. I know in the long haul, that I'm not gonna have a conventional way of life - full-time job from 9-5, house, car, 2 weeks of vacation spent at the beach, blah, blah. And I feel that as a society, we're beginning to notice how absurd that sort of life is, but then we still live our lives according to a template that's similar? We're not really breaking away from the familiar, and that's what we need to advance. Or at least, that's what I need.