I've been finding it hard to relax the past couple of days, simply sitting in my room and enjoying the silence and my still presence. This is something I used to be able to do but now I get anxious; I can attribute going out on the trails to this feeling, this restlessness. Not that staying indoors all day is good for me, but I don't necessarily like feeling urges to escape when I'm supposedly in a source of comfort and safety. And I haven't been doing the offline activities I set out to do -- reading, playing guitar, drawing, meditating, having a cup of tea -- which ought to be relaxing for mind and body. It's almost as if I go out on the trails in a quest of desperation, of avoidance of reality. But I ultimately need balance. I need to find a way to be able to criticize the modern world while still participating in it and not go crazy.
Thus, I don't plan on doing much today. I started reading Walden this morning and I can already tell it's going to be a life-changing book. I love the whole concept of simplicity, but my problem is that I overthink and over-theorize. I need to get out of my head and just be. Breathe. Slow down. Though obviously the modern way of living is not beneficial to our health, it's not like I'm going to suddenly live like a hunter-gatherer. But I can still live with nature in a way I find suitable. With peace. And not allowing external circumstances to fluctuate my mood or sway my thoughts. Like Thoreau!
I've been making my room into the sanctuary I wish for - I did a little DIY and removed the futon legs from my futon. Now it's just a mat on the floor and I got some of the best sleep in weeks last night. I replaced my computer chair with a yoga ball. I'm still in the process of donating and selling off the majority of my posessions, which will probably take a while. It's easier to accumulate than it is to give away.
With the whole quarantine happening, you see folks rushing to get things done with all the new time on their hands - but if this were a regular weekend, I wouldn't be doing much. This is why I'm slowly transitioning to see what my priorities are. How will I spend my time the next couple of months, which is completely open to however I plan it? And the answer is, I have no idea - there's so much in this world we can do, it's overwhelming, these possibilities...
Maybe, the best thing for me to do would be to not do anything at all, but to conquer the mind (of course, I'm going to keep up the workouts and trail walks but what if the majority of my time was instead spent meditating...?)
Tomorow, I depart for a farm where I'll be spending a week helping prep for the upcoming season. It will be a much needed break from the bustle of the city, a place where I will be doing things, but also have the inner and outer peace I long for. I won't be updating the blog. I'm not bringing my laptop. Today, it's up to me to finish my homework and other engagements online before saying goodbye to them for a full week. Which honestly isn't that long - though I've been spending a lot of time in front of screens, I don't know why - I'm so tired of them! I want something different! They don't hold my attention like they used to.
Yesterday I dropped one of my classes without remorse. I'll have a 'W' on my transcript. I'm coming to terms with the fact that college isn't really for me but I'm gonna go through with it anyway. I'll probably end up changing my major again, and taking the bare minimum to be considered a full-time student. But now that I don't have to go on campus... I don't have to think too hard about it. I'm free! And I'm tired of being stressed...I want to start being grateful.