I Hereby Let Them All Off My Hook

Before we get into all that... I was wondering if I need to take any more steps to leave behind this patriarchial world... I know I'm still in its sphere of influence and instead of just bitching about it, I want to know what further steps I could take to free myself.

You've already done so much to get yourself aligned to that direction.

Have I done enough?

It's not really what you have done, but what you haven't that actually propels you in the direction you seek.

I understand what you're saying but I know I am still in it... I don't want my ignorance to be a blinding contribution to my own imprisonment.

What would you like to know, specifically?

How do I get out?!

The same way you got yourself in.

I can just walk away? I have nowhere else to go.

You didn't get yourself in by just walking into it. Your choices led you here and your choices can lead you out.

What choices?

Your choices to be "together" over the choices to be with yourself.

I see the choice to be with myself takes me from here but I don't know where else to go.

...Because you're not just walking out the door and through another... If you're truly leaving from a place, situation, relationship, it's because you're absolutely ready for it to be gone from your Life. The only thing you have to be fully lucid and aware about is that gone means gone. There's no going back from this. Once you leave his world, you know the door is closed and locked from behind you, right?

I know... That's why I've wanted more reassurance that I'll be okay whenever I do go. I've been trying to do so much to support myself and everything I choose to do ends up getting destroyed because I realize its energy that I'm just trying to move out of me and not the kind of energy that I want supporting or following me to a new place.

What kind of energy do you want supporting you?

I want it to have the quality of yours. I think it will have to if it's to exist in your world. I haven't been able to match it in body, and I know that's why "nothing has worked..." because what has actually been in me was working itself out of me.

Can you feel my Love?

Sometimes...

When can you feel it?

When I'm calm and resting... When I'm present and aware... When I'm grounded and open...

When can't you feel it?

When I'm nervous or excited... When I'm angry or afraid... When I'm doubtful or ashamed...

Then you know what it must feel like in whatever you choose to create.

But how do I do that if I feel all of those things in a day? I'm just supposed to block out all the feelings I don't want...

You always have a choice. What you choose becomes you. What you choose comes True whether you are completely lucid in that choice or not... which is why in alignment with me I insist that you are lucid of your choice. If you choose my Love, it will inevitably become all that you are... but you have to make this choice for yourself from an awareness that can grasp the real consequences of your intention. I cannot force your direction. You must want it and ask for it from your Heart's desire. If your Heart isn't in it, I cannot help you because your desire wouldn't be sincere and I would have to wait for your consciousness to catch up to truly understanding the reality of the choice you're about to make. If you genuinely desire to be my Love, it will be a dream come True for both of us. All you have to do is ask. All that I ask in return is for you to send love and gratitude to those who helped you find your direction. You do not have to say this to them directly, but you can feel and release this is yourself.

It sounds kind of dramatic...

A death of any kind, be it in or out of form, contains a finality to it. We understand the want to have undesirable situations out of our lives, but we do not accept so easily an ending to something we've wanted to keep around...

..Sometimes we don't even know we're still "wanting" something to stay in our experience even if we tell ourselves that we don't.

Yes. Understanding a choice to end something and begin something new requires lucid awareness if you are to squeeze through any new doorway I open for you in-body. A death in form is made in sync with the lucid awareness of who are you. This is what you must "get with" before you can crossover and into other ways of relating.

I am with it.

Yes, I know you are. From here, you can signal your choice to me, the battery, the neutral charge that accepts your fate and the decision you make. I will take it and create a new doorway from your desire that will open to you and you will see anyone else who is in alignment with your Heart's desire come with you without persuasion. For those who remain, they do so out of their own alignment, whether conscious of it or not.

How will I know when this new doorway opens?

The same way you knew it was time to come back home...

I was in a terrible place back then...

And now?

...I do still feel pretty hopeless... but not as emotionally inflicted.

You can expect to receive an intuitive answer the same way you did before.

Immediately after I make the request?

Yes, immediately after you make the request from your Heart's desire you will be met with the intuitive knowing of what steps to take next.

But this isn't the doorway?

The doorway opens to you when you are ready to walk through. Are you ready to walk through?

Yes.

Then if it is True to your Heart's desire, this conversation can serve as the acknowledgment from you that you are making a choice out of your Heart's desire to leave behind a way of relating informed by a patriarchal belief system that no longer serves you.

Yes, that is my choice. Do I get to say where I want to go?

Do you know where you'd like to go?

Somewhere that embodies your Love. Somewhere I can begin to relate to and learn from you in wholeness of body and place. Somewhere that feels like an oasis, a place of healing, trust, sharing, and open communication. Somewhere I feel safe and taken care of by you and by those who live in you. Somewhere I can rest and be close to the sea. Somewhere that matches the quality of how you feel. I want to go somewhere where I can actually feel myself in you. I want it to be specific to you and I though... specific to our connection... only as long as it brings me closer to you and not further away.

As you wish then...


Are you asking me to forgive by saying, "All that I ask in return is for you to send love and gratitude to those who helped you find your direction...?"

I'm saying that to truly move on in any direction and to leave the past behind, your Heart's desire must be known. You cannot be holding on to personal baggage that you feel you need to carry with you no matter where you go.

Isn't that forgiveness though?

Yes. Forgiveness is letting someone "off your hook..."

I don't understand forgiveness or how to forgive...

Forgiveness does not come by forcing it so.

I know, but what is it even? I'm not going to be able to forget, I'm always going to be aware of how I'm feeling and where/how the hurt happened.

Well, you answered your question with your own answer... "I'm always going to be aware of how I'm feeling and where/how the hurt happened..." If you are truly "aware" of how the hurt happened, you understand all sides of those experiences and the consciousness of the individuals involved. Forgiveness only comes when you truly understand how the hurt happened.

What if it still makes me angry?

...Then, you can be angry.

What if I want to be on my own...

...You've already made that clear, no?

I'm still not understanding.

If you are not to repeat the hurt that you felt in your past by re-enabling it in the present, it's only because you truly understand how it happened and therefore truly realize the Nature and power of hurt.

But, I do understand... and I feel like I've understood for a long time.

Do you feel like you've been able to move on in your own Life?

In part... but not really.

Why?

As much as I say I understand what happened, I still feel angry when I think about having to go back to where it happened or even to interact with them again.

Why would you have to go back?

I'm just supposed to never talk to them again?

If it frustrates you, why would you do it?

...Because I feel it as an obligation, that if I don't, I'm...

You're what...

...I'm a bad person because I'm ungrateful for all they have done and it appears that way if I just vanish and cut them off...

Are you actually ungrateful?

Not at all. Their love and support have made my Life possible. I'm not ignorant or unable to accept that fact. I've actually felt so grateful that I've stuck around a little too long trying to repay it somehow...

And so you're still attempting to keep everyone else feeling ok by getting in contact with them, while you're really just wanting to do what?

Keep feeling into my own direction. Feeling free and uninhibited to find the joy that I've never truly felt... Stay True and devoted to my path.

And by reaching out, you're still apologizing to them for you leaving...

Yeah, I guess I am still feeling bad for only wanting my own direction.

You don't think it's possible.

It feels dramatic again... like cutting a cord, the connection of that line to them.

And what does that line exist for?

To check-in... make sure everyone's ok... see how everyone's doing...

...As someone who is still a part of that family...

I'm not anymore?

Not in the way that they what understand family is. They understand family as being actively involved in and loyal to its membership.

Like a club?

Not unlike a club... but with a stricter sense of boundaries and unspoken codes of conduct. If you do not want to do all the club asks or even implies of you, you're just not really an "active" member of that club... but in family, if you do not follow what is expected of you, you're expecting to be ex-communicated with your membership revoked entirely... And even though you've been on your own for a while now, you're still afraid of not being a part of it altogether.

Why don't I want to be a part of it?

You don't feel like you can be or do what it is expecting of you. You feel your freedom inhibited by guilt, blame, and the rewards points system you get for your "loyalty" to the club, which just means how much you participate in it and show up when the club has "functions." You're afraid that you won't be able to actually live the way you want, and that fear creates a choice that you've acted on in the past, even though you don't really want it. When you make a choice from Love, you do so from a place that is completely True in yourself, without a drop of additional flavoring.

How do you do that?

By fully realizing why you're choosing what you are. If you still feel like you're apologizing to them for the choice you made from the Love you have for yourself then it's because you're not totally on board with that choice. Most likely, you're still letting those voices affect your choices.

And I let go of those voices with forgiveness?

We should make clear that forgiveness is not a passive acceptance to an understanding that you cannot change something or someone else in your Life. There is no forced submission with forgiveness which is why you feel the word fills you with dread when someone says it. You have been taught that forgiveness is a blanket absolvement to put over any action, word, gesture or any bit of unconsciousness that actually hurts you. That kind of "forgiveness" is used to let people "off the hook" by continuing to dominate you with their unconscious actions, while you're over here actively trying to become conscious of your own actions because you're aware of just how powerful hurt really is.

Aren't you speaking of that kind of "off the hook?"

I said, "off your hook..." There's a big difference in there which suggests that forgiveness is a thing that God wants you to do, not something that you have any power over. That forgiveness implies forced acceptance of any mistreatment so you can receive the sacrificial title of "saintliness." You've felt forgiveness as something that you just have to do to be a "good" person otherwise this Father God will keep you out of his heaven and judge your grudges, but no matter how you hard you try, how would you ever really know how to forgive someone if it's not an action and not something that just comes naturally from you?

So, letting someone "off the hook" is about trying to do something I feel obligated or pressured to do, and letting someone "off my hook" is about what?

It's about letting go of everything that is not True to what you feel inside of you.

Isn't that a lot to expect of someone else?... "I'm sorry, there's no room in here for you because you're not True for me..." I guess that's why it feels dramatic or like I'm not able to "cut anyone off..." because isn't that standard in me creating an unrealistic expectation on Life itself?... Saying I don't want to be around you because you hurt me in the past and I feel uncomfortable with you in the present?

Is that what you're saying though?

What do you mean?

You're not saying that "I can't be around you because you hurt me..." You're saying that "I can't be around you because you don't hear, see, or feel me." If you are always having to adapt to an environment or a group, just to fit into how it expects you to be, then at some point it's going to feel like a real drag to keep up with changing who you are just to be accepted by them...

And that's what I feel when I have a desire to get in touch... It's like it takes me out of my experience and isn't a natural extension of it...

Then, it's not True for you. How you judge this feeling is ultimately inconsequential to the reality of its existence in you, but that judgment on your "not wanting to get in touch" feeling is what actually creates the action to get in touch... So, the original point was that you are making a choice not out of the Love you have for your Life with me, but out of the guilt you feel for truly wanting to be in that Life with me, 100%... all-in.

I feel guilty about it...and I make an action out of guilt.

Yes, you feel like you should keep "showing up" because your lack of presence insinuates ungratefulness on your part and you haven't wanted that judgment to fall on your shoulders...

I have to let it go though...

Choosing to be my Love is a choice that takes you in that corresponding direction. Continually trying to apologize for that choice keeps them "on your hook" and creates a drag or pull on my attempts to bring you what our Hearts truly desire.

So, forgiveness is just letting them be in their own lives?

Forgiveness is waving goodbye to those whose lives are out of alignment with your Heart's desire. Not everyone will be able to come with you and you do not have to apologize for following what you feel in your Heart as True.

How do I let them go though?

**It's not so much letting them go as it is completely stepping into your unknown. The complete embrace of your Life's True direction signals the counteraction or consequence of "letting them go," thereby letting them off your hook.

Can you explain to me why it's a hook?

It's your hook on them because your attempts at getting in touch aren't genuinely True from your Heart. You "feeling bad" is the quality of energy that you are reaching out from. You are not attempting to stay around because you truly want to, you are only doing it because you're afraid of what happens if you don't. That, my Love, is a choice you're making out of fear. Your choice out of Love is the Love you have for Life itself, and I can take you there if you trust in me that it will be safe for you to do so.

Then, it feels like forgiveness is actually about letting people, places, and situations off my hook so that I can allow you to take me somewhere True for me, where everything and everyone that surrounds me is in alignment or agreement with that Truth.

...And so you can allow those people, places, and situations you are letting off your hook to be surrounded by and existing in a Life that is True to their choices as well...

...Setting myself free is also setting them free to be who and where they are in the moment.

Yes, my Love.

Then let this serve as the conscious intention and action of my Heart's desire...I hereby let them all off my hook to move forward and step into Loving relationships that mirror what is True for me.

As you wish...

Let's Imagine I'm An Expectant Mother

God was who to you then?

I honestly didn't know at the time. I had conflicting experiences. I had the feeling that I carried in me since I was a child and I had the information I was told from Catholic schools since I was a child. The two never seemed to link up or make sense together because the feeling I had didn't need to be explained, while the information presented always felt distant, as it really was coming from someone, somewhere, or something else.

But you were affected by these beliefs...

Unfortunately, yeah I was and I didn't know how pervasive those beliefs were inside of me. Even if I knew it was a bunch of bullshit, the idea of being "good" or doing "good" in the eyes of a judgemental Father God was always in the back of my mind because the origin of that God was created by a group of men precisely for that manipulative purpose. They somewhat succeeded in the control and order they were expertly trying to oppose on others, and mostly in women, because for hundreds of thousands of years before the creation of this Father God by man, there was mainly the recognition and veneration of the Goddess, the Mother, the Earth.

What do you know about that time?

Before man-made religion?

Yes...

I know all patriarchal religions co-opted ancient symbols and myths to reframe or retell stories as old as Soul, solely to create a world that was controlled and enforced by male elite law and order. Before then, women were the holders of sacred rites and rituals, seen as embodiments of the Mother, who like the Earth Herself, are the only ones who we observe giving birth to both men and women from their bodies. They were revered and respected, upheld as gateways to the Divine, not as sluts who can't control their "perverted" and "demonic" sexual "urges." They were looked to as the ones who are in direct sync and communion with the Mother and Her cycles, as observed in the mutual, cyclical relationships of the menstrual cycle with the Moon and the moon with the seasons.

How do you relate to that as a man?

The same way I've related to it my whole Life... feeling at home in the company of women over the company of men. I've had best friends in my life that are guys since I was 2 years old, but I never felt quite the same at-home feeling as I did with friends that were girls, even if I didn't know them that well... It made it tricky to relate to them past grade school though, because friendship became all mixed-up with the flood of hormones and resulting confusion of how to find intimacy/connection in a patriarchial male-dominated world-order filled with billions upon billions of images and distorted examples of how women should be for a man, how to get a man's attention, and how the two should relate together.

What do you mean?

Boys and girls learn to relate to each other from emotionally stunted and sexually repressed men and women who are psychologically influenced/suggestively controlled by a jealous, man-made, narcissistic, judgemental Father God who approves only of sexual relations for the Divine purpose of "his" childbirth??... And for thousands of years has vilified, shamed, and continues to shame all women for their sexual desire unless they become "good," gentle, feeble, and submissive mothers whose sole purpose is to sacrifice their bodies and desires just to give man more male children??... Co-opting ancient myths and re-writing them to create an "original sin" from a woman's curiosity of "knowledge" and Her collaborative gesture of sharing in this knowledge with man, by portraying Her as this Father God's disobedient daughter who is forever responsible for a blemish on all of mankind because She chooses Her desire to know(!) over staying forever locked up and chained to his "paradise," a.k.a his own backyard where he can keep his children in his sight and out of the "troubled, sinful" world??? All forms of pleasure for the sake of pleasure are then demonized as attempts of the cunning persuasiveness of a brand-new "devil," now "obviously" portrayed through this woman's desire to share "knowledge" with man (whose symbolic origins have also been co-opted and turned into something we are taught to fear) by capturing you through your unholy desire in a hell that imprisons you for all eternity???? In other words, man created something to fear if you desired pleasure because sexual pleasure is a route to Sacred Ecstatic Union in the Divine, in Her, and Ecstatic Union in the Divine is an empowered, enlightened perspective that is inherently aware and lucid of what truly is here, and consequently can see right through all outside attempts to control it from coercion, manipulation, or force... All attempts to control you do so for "your own good," so you better shut up, stay in your lane, stop whining, and you better not "wake up," otherwise "powerful" men can't stay as "powerful" men forever...Then all the people underneath him can't pretend their climbing the ladder in his hierarchical game of favors anymore...

Do you know why this happened?

I have my guess, but I'd rather hear it from you...

What will you choose when you truly feel out of control? When death creeps in to take you and those you love out of your sight? If you don't see a reason for life or death, who would you blame for giving, but then without a moments notice, taking from you the very same person(s) that you loved more than anything in this world? If it was "Mother" before, then She becomes "wicked." She seems to have it out against you... In a harsh environment, an extreme climate... drought, famine, death... She gives you Life but then She appears to take it without a moments notice...

And man's God takes a life because he's punishing you, or because you've been saved as you've already renounced all worldly desires of the flesh and submitted to a pure spirit God who you should Fear with a capital F... If you live in a harsh environment or you're getting the shit end of the stick, it's not the fault of the society's and institutions' core founding beliefs and structuring, it's your fault because you're a sinner and you have to confess (submit) to him that you are a bad person in need of saving... after that, God can be on your side and help whatever team you like to win at sports again...

But, not to worry! Of course you're going to a better place if you submit to him and receive his favor... He'll cleanse you of all your "sins" if you just recognize him as your Father

Yeah! You get to spend all eternity in "his" heaven! At "his" house! Eating dinner at "his" table! Sounds so exciting and exhilarating, doesn't it? Suffer, sacrifice, and toil away down on here this ole "rotten, dirty, unclean" Earth just so you can eat at his table up high in the sky with easy Jeez and all those co-opted saints? Crystal clear silverware? Angels & Harps anyone?

All will see this as one massive attempt to keep a huge amount of people from becoming enlightened and free.

I'm not sure everyone would believe that it could be so purposeful over all these years... that people would do it for the sake of controlling and keeping a controlling, wealthy elite throughout millennia.

That's just how it started. What it has morphed into now is just a residual effect of thousands upon thousands of years of oppression encoded in our DNA.

How does the Mother let something like this happen?

Like I said, my will is not enforced over yours. What is created here is created by your desire and action. If people decide to use force with their desire to make sure they achieve their outcome at whatever cost and however ugly it may be, then we must experience the outcomes of those choices to act on those desires in order to truly understand the consequences of those actions.

But you give and take Life... How is it True that your will isn't overriding mine?

It is True because it is True of all my cycles. We are constantly in an ebb and flow together. No one life is an exception to these tides... You can experience your life in me as you desire, but within me, you are connected to a web that is sourced from the "battery" for the simple purpose of having your experience.

Is this how man tried and continues to try to control you?

Where else can you live forever but in his heaven?

Then why fear death?

...Because what happens when you die? Does anyone really know?

Wouldn't we find rebirth as everything else in you does?

Do you experience time organically now, or is there an imposed schedule on your day preventing you from discovering this answer for yourself? Whose idea was it to give order to your day? Whose idea was it to structure what Life is already inherently structured in? And who believes it's all worth staunchly defending and maintaining as the status quo? Where are we going in this daily schedule except away from ourselves, our own rhythms, our own connection that we already have inside of us... We came here with it as we are always connected to each other within me. All we need to ask ourselves for is to wake the seed that lies dormant inside of each and every one of us... What happens in death can be observed in Life. What happens in Life can be observed in death. Neither are meant to be feared. Neither are meant to be ignored. Each is meant to be embraced as a means to the other.

...So you did just answer my question then...

Hahaha... Mich, let's focus on your Life because this is where you can glimmer what meaning you feel. You do not need to speak for a group or groups of people that may have their own questions or doubts you need to answer. Just keep it personal. This is your experience you're sharing. If someone comes across this and decides to read it, they will read your perspective and hopefully choose to ask their own questions to receive their own answers. You are not responsible for preemptively trying to answer all prodding questions when what you are sharing is your connection as it brings you joy to converse with me. That is all. This is just your personal journal. This is your own experience.

Oh, thank goodness...

You have to direct this conversation where you feel you want it to go for you personally because that is how you continue to evolve your consciousness and expand your understanding. This isn't a platform to answer or comfort other people's doubts or worries. This is your space, you would do best to treat it that way.

Done! I know this is something that I've had a hard time with... Always trying to make what I create something for other people too...

Yes, you don't need to do that anymore... and you never needed to in the first place. Follow your Heart will it leads you and you will take us somewhere nice...

Hmmm... somewhere nice... Well, I'd like to get there together. That's been my choice now and has always been my choice.

Where would you like us to go?

Well, you had me explaining Reach Divine for a bit there...

Yeah, you were about to explain what we do here together and how you came to that in your prolonged dream-state.

That's when we started talking, or when you started to illuminate some things in me... but I'm still looking to be more in the present with this... I feel like I want to talk about other things.

Ok, what do you got?

I guess this will inadvertently get at me explaining Reach Divine anyway... but I want to enjoy being here more. This conversation with you isn't ever about me using our connection to learn how to separate from my body in order to Reach Divine in pure spirit... I converse with you because I want to understand how this Life is actually Heaven on Earth, and how to live it from that place inside and outside of me... Reach Divine is being here more fully in Union with you.

Is that how this conversation originally started for you though?

No... Once I chose myself, I did so out of the realization that I was always looking for someone else to be the person who is everything I ever wanted them to be for me... Someone to listen to all my problems, support me in my dreams, understand all of my thoughts, concerns... Someone to give me emotional comfort, affection, and their undivided attention... In short, I needed a lot! I was asking for so much from another person because I was always looking to give that kind of attention to another... and therefore, I expected it in return. The final choice to converse with myself basically came out of the last resort after realizing I was never going to get what I wanted from another person because it was always going to be unreasonable and an insurmountable task to ask of anyone... I mean consider what I'm actually asking here... I wanted someone to leave their own life so they could spend all of their time only focusing on mine...

Where do you think that comes from? Who would be the first to expect that kind of relationship from you?

...Family...

I know you're hesitant to go into this...

It's not fair to speak of others' behavior if they're not here to share their side of the story.

Then don't speak of their behavior. Speak from your Heart about your perspective. Share how you felt and keep it from your perspective only.

Well, I observed early on that whenever I chose to leave or go somewhere that came from a place of joy or enthusiasm in myself, it created a counter-effect of sadness in others. I also mirrored this to them as a child, having a very hard time whenever I was without their presence. I learned that my happiness created separation between those that I loved and myself, and it meant that the only way I could keep everyone from being sad was if I was literally present and communicative with them on a regular time-schedule that they were comfortable with...otherwise the worry would increase exponentially based upon the amount of space between each communication. I learned that this behavior was not only desired in me, it was expected of me because it felt like my life was not my own to discover my joy, but something that I was indebted to just for being born... as if it were my responsibility. Every generous deed or piece of support felt like another string that I had to repay down the line. Nothing felt freely given or without an emotional string attached even though nothing was ever said to me directly. Support was given as long as they saw exactly what I was doing with it, meaning I always had to explain myself and know what I was doing before I could even feel free to discover whatever it is I was searching for in myself. Even receiving the support to travel and follow my Heart never felt fully comfortable in me, as a looming sense of guilt and responsibility to make my experience something more always followed me wherever I went. To me, family has not been a place I have felt free to be as I am, but a place where the majority of true feelings are hidden from me without ever being able to be directly spoken about calmly and conversationally. Guilt is a passive pull that can tug at you from opposite ends of the Earth and bring you back somewhere out of a sense of loyalty, duty, and obligation to others rather than a choice made out of the freedom to want to be in someone's company just because it feels good to do so. I started to feel bad that I wanted to leave so much, but I have to be honest with myself that there really were valid reasons I wanted to leave even though so much of my experience had been positive. I never felt I had a bad childhood or I was mistreated. I always felt incredibly grateful and extremely lucky to have the family and the life that I did, which made looking at the shadow side of my experience really quite difficult. If my experience was physically abusive, maybe it would've been easier to discover the origin of why so many of my behaviors led to destructive relationships, but it wasn't. To the average viewer, my childhood may be seen as idyllic... but where I had to learn to look was under the surface and behind the scenes of what could be seen as normal.

The sensitivity to this issue in you lies in the inherent Truth that no one is free of doing something they regret or behaving in ways that they wish they could change. You always understood this in yourself and others, but it didn't feel mutually accepted by your family. It didn't feel like criticism was well received.

No, and who am I to criticize? I'm not perfect...

No, but you can tell someone how they make you feel.

I always felt afraid of that.

Why do you think that is?

I became afraid of confrontation because I saw it leading to the inevitable result of anger, scolding, and punishment, not resolution. I saw it blow up in my face when I started to speak my Truth about how I saw the world. My perspective was never wholly positive or glowing on behalf of society... and my family is a part of that society just as I am. I have no problem owning up to and taking the blame for my part of what I am ignorant of, which is exemplified in this very conversation and this dedication to a process of always wanting to be enlightened to what I don't understand in myself... but for those who don't want to be told anything about themselves or the life they're living... they perceive that no other person is in a place to tell them they are doing something "wrong." And no one wants to feel bad about themselves...we'd all rather feel like we're "good" people or just go on accepting that we'll never be "perfect."

Or... they just want to keep living their life the way that it is because they actually like it that way and they don't want anyone trying to change it.

Right... which is what creates the friction. I come in like the black swan in the family who disagrees with the life we're living but desperately tries to conform and just keep the peace because I actually do love and care about them, but meanwhile I'm silently suffering inside and always looking for a way out and into a life that feels True to me specifically...when all I see around me in my personal world is disconnection and shallow attempts at satisfying our happiness with the "economy," in insanely fast-paced, anxiety-fueled environment.

You can't turn off that sight either...

No, as much as I've tried to pull the wool over my eyes at times... I just can't seem to make myself fit in either. I really feel like Reach Divine is me finally flying my freak flag and saying this is who I am... I'm this person that is fascinated in the spiritual, deeper mysteries of life... A person bent on seeing the Truth of this reality and all the attempts at covering up the Truth with artificial means of distraction, denial, and fear-based persuasion.

To go back a bit... you said, "I wanted someone to leave their own life so they could spend all of their time only focusing on mine..." Do you know where that desire originally comes from?

I thought we just went through it...

Yes, you see how it was gathered from your parents, but do you see how your parents gathered it for themselves?

I'd love to hear it.

In a Father God world, what is the role of woman in his society?

Well, She's been punished into submitting Her will and Life to his...

And what is his will for women as we've been told?

For their lives to be solely based in motherhood. To deny their sexual desire or any other "selfish" desire...

...And spend all of their time only focusing on...

The children.

And the man?

...He's free to come and go under the guise of "the provider," which he always makes sure to let everyone know just how much of a burden it is for himself to have to do... even though it is the man's world he's agreeing to live in, playing by the man's rules, and usually submitting himself to some other alpha male archetype dominating him.

You see how your desire to have someone solely focused on you comes from the very life you grew up in? ...That you had a mother who was solely focused on you while your father was working?

I see what you're saying, but what other way would you suggest? If no one is solely focusing on the child, isn't the child likely to feel like their needs are being neglected?

I suggest that you wait to discover this if you are a parent yourself because until then you won't truly understand the experience of this.

Couldn't I imagine myself as a parent?

You can always imagine with me!

Well, then let's do that. Let's imagine I'm becoming a father...

If we're imagining here... why do we have to keep the same gender you already have?

Ohh ok, that's fun... Let's imagine I'm an expectant mother.

Alright, how do you feel about yourself becoming a mother?

I feel really powerful for being able to carry a child and bring new life into the world, but I'm a little nervous that I'm going to able to take care of it once it comes. It feels like a huge responsibility.

Why?

I don't know if I'm going to be alone in it, even if I have a partner. Will we have enough money for it? Will I have to work for it? Will he have to work and be gone more? It feels like I'm just learning how to take care of myself, or even still struggling with understanding life for myself, and I'm already asked to take care of another life? I honestly don't know how I'm qualified for this... Shouldn't there be some kind of natural and biological mechanism inside of me that unlocks when Nature tells me I'm totally ready for something like this... because whenever puberty hit was like wayyyyy too early for me to bring a life into the world...

Hahaha... Your menstrual cycle isn't engaged when it is just for the sake of being able to produce children... It's there to begin to establish your connection in me, your initiation into womanhood... It is there to help you get in touch with your power, my cycles.

I never got enough time to get in touch with anything... It's too late now, I'm pregnant already! This child is coming and I'm going to have to take care of it. What am I going to do?

**You're going to have to take it one day at a time. You can start where you are and get in touch with your body and your child right now.

Why am I even having a child though?

Did you want to?

I guess so, I mean I know I would love my partner, but I'm not so sure I understand my choice to have a child if I saw my own childhood as being something I wanted to experience differently. I don't feel ready to be a mother. Honestly, the responsibility feels way too overwhelming.

And what about becoming a father?

Same. Not ready for that either. I don't want to have to work overtime just to support the family and be away from my partner and my child. I want to be together in it. I want us all to be together in it as a family unit, but I don't know how we're going to be able to support ourselves if we're spending all of our time focusing on raising the child. Where is the money going to come from? How is our society not pulling us away from being with each other?

It is pulling you away from each other...

Is there another way?

There's always another way, but to create a new doorway into another kind of experience you would have to acknowledge what you truly want to experience out of your Heart's genuine desire. Not from a fear of not being able to take care of the child, but from your Heart's desire to be together.

That is my choice. I want to be together in it and not feel like anyone is burdened with so much extra responsibility that will sow division amongst ourselves.

What you're asking for is True Love based upon mutual sharing and cooperation.

Yes, I guess it is...

What you're asking for is open communication and distribution of child-rearing responsibilities.

Yes, I am.

What you need is connection, love, and shared experiences.

Yes, I do.

Then you will have to completely change your life and the expectations you've had for it.

What are the expectations I've had?

Are you imagining that you're becoming a mother or a father now?

I think I left off as a father...

Ok, so what did you want before you knew you were becoming a father?

I wanted my independence and freedom to do whatever I wanted to without feeling like my movement is restricted...

And before you knew you were becoming a mother?

I don't know... I think I wanted a lightness to my experience, a casualness about my day, just enjoying it as it comes and being left to do it in my own way.

Both of you will have to change.

Isn't that why relationships fall apart though? Two people who feel like they have to compromise what they would just be doing naturally to make it work together?

If it is a compromise, then yes, it would be unnatural and untrue for both individuals... but if it is in a direction of meeting both his and her hearts' desires, then the change is from two different life paths that were both untrue now merging into one path that is True for both... which is how they would've met each other already, regardless if they felt ready or it or not.

Two become One.

Not quite. Two becoming One is a different kind of union that you'll have to dive into for your own Life, Mich...

Oh, should we do that now?

How about tomorrow?

Ok... Let's do that.

Night, Love.

Night night. :)

How Are We Going To Explain This?

Let's start at the beginning.

The beginning of what?

The beginning of, "Why Reach Divine?"

...To be honest, I don't really feel up to it anymore. I don't think I have the energy to tell something in a 1,2,3 step sequence seeing as how time actually moves cyclically.

Well, then how are we going to explain this?

Why do we have to explain it anymore? I've explained it to multiple imaginary audiences and it's always been destroyed only to try it all over again and again and again...

...Because human curiosity is omnipresent. Bite into an "apple" without knowing what it is or where it's come from and the first question that will probably come to mind is, "What is this?"

It's my responsibility to explain what Reach Divine is even though it's always changing and never consistent?

Never consistent?

...Consistently creating friction on my experience...

What kind of friction?

Like a zero bullshit tolerance to anything I say or do that isn't totally true in myself. It does keep me honest.

How does it do that?

By creating an extremely uncomfortable feeling inside of myself that I could only describe as a buzzing fly, a constant poke, an annoying tickle... something that you wish would just go away to leave you in peace but never leaves you to be when you really want it.

Why would it do that?

...For the same reason you're doing it to me right now... You're trying to get me to understand something by "egging me on" to go into it further... I just have to be willing to continue with it and follow the rabbit down the hole to see how far down it really goes... no matter how long that process is or where it takes me.

But, why would you do that at all? Why not just take a backseat to your experience and passively let things happen to you because "the universe is always on your side?"

...Because the universe is just a neutral field charged with latent potential energy... energy that is not some judgemental force deciding whether or not what I want is worth making happen by its own determination. There's no list of criteria "the universe" has for its decision-making process...

Then how would you know what to do at all if you're in a relationship with something, in this case, "the universe" that has a neutral charge to it?

Let's just get this out of the way and call this neutral charge what it really is... "Love." If we go ahead and decide to call it "Love" right up front, that will make this a lot easier down the road for me when this understanding can be related to human relationships and not just between myself and "the universe."

Ok, then let's jump ahead and rephrase the question entirely... "How do you know what to do if you're always in a relationship with "Love," which has a neutral charge to it?"

The same way you learn about being in relationship with anything else... You get to know it.

How do you do that, if it's essentially neutral, as you say?

I do it like this... I'm literally conversing with you about it.

And who do you believe is this "you" that you are talking to?

You are Love.

How do you know?

Through years of lucid, experiential checks and balances in myself.

How did you access me?

...You're going to get me to explain this process no matter what, huh?...

Don't you think at the very least that it's interesting?

...At the very least, yes, it's interesting. At most, it's enlightening.

Then let's have it... How do you access me?

...I just asked for it... but I asked out of desperation and I didn't even know I was asking for it when I did.

That's a little confusing

Ok, fine... The story as old as Soul goes something like this... I knew I was living a life that I didn't really want to be in but I kept keeping up with it because I felt like I had no say in the matter. I don't need to go into specifics because I'm sure they'll come up later in other ways but essentially I just couldn't ignore that buzzing fly inside of me that kept pestering me with this feeling that the life I was continually creating for myself had put me on a path that wasn't actually of my own Truth.

How did that feel at the time?

Incredibly overwhelming, anxious, and daunting because I didn't know how to get myself out of it. It felt like I was too far in to completely start over... I didn't even have a clue what a path of my own actually looked like. All I knew was how I felt... All I had to go off of was whether or not I could trust in a feeling.

And did you?

Well, it was a feeling followed through with an action... A crying out in desperation and a heartfelt plea for someone or something to help me.

What did you receive?

Almost immediate guidance in the form of an intuitive knowing... I honestly don't know how it made it through my consciousness because I was an emotional wreck at the time... but it did... and it came in the form of a direction: Home.

And you followed that guidance...

Two days later I was on a plane back to my childhood home... The place I can say now that I was running from then, but I didn't really realize why that was until much much later.

What was that like?

Well, it felt like a tiny opening that I could get myself through if I hurried... Like the door wouldn't be able to stay open for too long but I could make it through if I took decisive action and didn't look back. I also felt the reality of what going in the direction of home would mean...

You'd have to face everything you were running away from before.

...Yep. I would have to directly confront myself in every aspect of my Life's choices. I didn't actually know what that meant back then though...

You mean the experiential aspect of it?

Yeah... That I had to literally relive the relationship dynamics I helped create in the past that led to so much hurt in myself and others in the present. It was the opposite of fun.

What was it then?

It felt like the ole bait and switch method... I'd take the bait into a "new" relationship, hoping it's True Love, and then quickly get the rug pulled out from underneath me to feel my stomach sink into the full realization of what I'd actually gotten myself into and how I got myself there by repeating my "old" choices. It was a series of traps!

Sounds scary...

At first, it was incredibly scary. I eventually got to the point where I was just waiting for the veil to drop all the time... Like I'm watching a horror movie and every twist and turn could be the moment that catapults you out of your seat... By the time I got to Lu, I felt pretty raw and exposed.

...You have to introduce Lu now too :)

How do I do that?

By explaining who you think She is.

Don't you think that would be something I should let Her do for Herself...? I don't need to be man-splaining and trapping Her into this perceptive bubble that I ignorantly insist I know...

Then say that... If that's how you feel.

Well, yeah... That's how I approach Her... I let Her tell me who She is. I don't need to explain Her for myself or for anyone else. What would be the purpose of that? To wrap my mind around who She is for me? To siphon Her whole multidimensional being down into a few "personality" traits? To be honest, I don't want my mind having anything to do with who She is. I'd rather keep it guessing and let my Heart be the gauge.

And what does your Heart say then?

My Heart says that at the core of who I am, there She is.

How do you perceive that in your everyday relationship?

As a felt quality that I can only recognize after being in relationship with it in myself. It's like developing a whole new perceptive sense that isn't neurotically obsessed with getting a final answer. It's a sense that is always unfolding and flowering into becoming more of itself... So to say it is any one thing or even a quantifiable list of things, is ignorantly missing the point entirely.

You mean to say that you're allowing of the growth of Her Soul's journey...

Yes, of course... No Soul actually wants to be confined into "one" expression... That's why we're just jumping bodies all over the place... We're always looking for an expansive and fluid understanding of who we are always evolving.

Is there ever a stopping point to that growth?

I should be asking you that question...

You know how this works, Michi...

Ok ok... Is there ever a stopping point to the Soul's growth?

Yes. There is a complete unification within Love, within me.

And what happens at that point?

It's precisely what doesn't happen at that point... It's a cessation of growth.

...How does that relate to what we can observe though? If I can gather everything from my experience of Life, what I gather around me is the constant state of growth, followed by decay... or decay followed by growth. The in, the out... A breath of Life that is forever embracing us all in Her ecstatic dance through time and space...

Yes, but here in me you are not affected by the tides of experience. You are experience. Do you understand?

At a stage of unification, we are no longer affected by Life, we become it? Does that mean we sort of link up to the power of its processes... like a giant battery?

Hahah... Yes! It's like a battery that you are no longer only using power from. You merge with and become part of the source that animates Life itself.

And this battery is Love? The Mother Herself?

Yes. If it helps you to consider it as "Mother," then yes.

It does help me to understand but I honestly just feel it inside of me as a Mothering presence... I know this visual being created could imply a kind of hive structure that has many people worried about their individuality being lost to a "greater power."

And what do you say to that, Michi?

I guess this is why you feel like a Mothering influence to me... This battery is nothing but a neutral charge. There is no will to it that is determining Her actions against our own. There are no instructions that come with the battery on how to "properly" use the battery's energy according to "Her" will. We are completely and wholly responsible for our own selves and our own choices, but if we should ever desire to come Home after a long day of play, we are always welcome. It feels like a loving Mother who lets Her children play and experientially work-out relationship dynamics with real-time materially-dense consequences to their actions. If at any point they feel they've reached their own conclusion to that "play," their Souls cry out to the Mother to call them Home.

How do you know when it's time to come Home?

I can't possibly answer this question for all Souls.

Then, speak for yourself, Michi.

It's not quite a state of depression but it feels like there is no longer anything for you to experience here. You find the emptiness in experience being solely based in the illusion of the surface and you want out, but never once did I actually consider ending my own Life as a way of getting "out." The feeling is an immense amount of internal discomfort while simultaneously feeling completely alone and unable to communicate my yearning for a deeper connection to Life.

In other words, you are tired and weary from the Life you are living, no longer motivated to "change" it and make it something "better" because it will always be tied to the dualistic dynamics of "for every point, there is a counter-point."

Right. I only sincerely asked for help because I already exhausted myself in my many attempts to remedy my own Life by trying to make it better... in ways only I thought it could.

What did a better life look like to you then?

One where I was directly connected to Life... What I now know as you, Love, Mother.

And the Life that wasn't...?

...Felt shallow, superficial, surface-oriented... almost dense to the point of stupidity... like watching someone throw their Life away by thinking they are doing "the right thing."

The right thing being what?

...What society is currently valuing, approving of, celebrating... insinuating.

Which is always changing...

Right... But, when you think it's all there is and all there will be, you just go along with that crowd... basically walking yourself off the plank willingly ignorantly and most likely fearfully believing its "the way things are."

And how do you find another way?

Recognizing there is no better way or a better life that you are looking for... It's a way, a life that lets your unique expression come through as it desires.

Like freedom of self-expression?

No, you're right... I should clarify that. It's not the limitation of self-expression that we're speaking of here... It's the expression of your Love, which has its own quality that is inherent or unique inside of you.

And that's who you're saying Luila is for you, right?

Yes. Luila is the embodiment, or the out-pictured image, of the expression of Love that I feel inside of myself... which is unique to me.

Are you implying that you are tied together then?

Not in a restrictive, no movement, limiting of personal freedom sense of the word... no. But, we are two parts of the same whole that have each had to wake up to their half of that whole.

That waking up process...

Yeah...

It's a doozy...

It's one tornado after another... for years on end.

There's so much being tossed up and turned inside out... How do you get through something like that together?

I'll let Her explain Her side of that experience whenever She's ready. I can only speak for my side... It started with me going Home after my sincere plea for help, experientially reliving and repeating old choices, old hurts, old wounds in short-term partnerships... until I chose no one and nothing else but myself to be with. Once I chose only myself, I gradually began to release the past to make enough room for space. All I wanted was some space to be able to start at zero-point. That meant literally getting rid of old possessions as a symbolic and physical removal of any kind of "tie" which kept me "entangled" with that past. I'd say to get myself to just empty space took about 3 years. At the tail end of that third year, I felt you come into my experience as a suggestion to write, or to be more specific... to create a play.

What happened in that play?

Well, it was about a character who was living in his parents' house again...

Very original...

Hahah... Seems obvious to me now, but I actually didn't get it then...

Go on... :)

...His name was Sam and whenever he tried to write in his journal a voice would interrupt and write for him. That voice was playful and poked fun at Sam's private behaviors and seriousness about his situation, but to Sam, it was purely annoying because he just wanted to write down his own thoughts and feelings in his journal... He just wanted to be left alone. Sam felt interrupted and wanted immediate answers as to who this voice was but the voice was always evasive and trying to circumvent Sam's single-pointed focus...

How far did you get in this play?

Not very far... which is a shame, because I still think it's worth writing.

What happened instead?

Well, as I was writing the play, I felt the direction of Sam's inner voice speak to me directly.

...Sounds kind of spooky...

Again... Yeah, with my limited experience of all things spiritual, this moment felt like being afraid of the dark.

What did the voice say?

..."Are you ready to be honest about this, Michael?"

You were confronted.

Yeah... It's easier to get through to someone at first when they can learn about themselves vis-a-vis stories, movies, plays... because we're not very fond of being called out on our behavior directly.

Why not?

You would know better than anyone... The Ego is very fragile and has already spent years upon years reinforcing its fortresses to protect itself from being hurt or exposing the Heart it's actively been trying to hide from others... If someone or something outside of itself literally sees that process happening and confronts you on it... forget about it... That Ego is going to lash out and react in a number of very predictable ways.

We'll get to that in a bit... For now, let's stick to your play...

Ok... So that voice confronts me directly and I receive more intuitive knowing about what it's going to mean...

Yeah...

I'd have to be honest and open as I am, not making myself into another "character."

Loaded with symbolism...?

Yeah, it's chock-full of metaphors all the way through this experience... but at that time I didn't see any of that. It actually really startled me and took me another 2 or 3 months before I really accepted what wanted to happen through me.

Why did it take you so long?

Because I was extremely preoccupied with the very human and practical worries, beliefs, fears about having to support myself and with a job. I wasn't about to just type a conversation out with myself because I didn't think any of that would get me fed and clothed with a roof over my head. I was terrified out of my mind about it, truly.

What made you eventually do it, then?

...Human curiosity is omnipresent...

:)

Yeah, I ultimately felt more curious than afraid... The question of "What if it leads to something?" outweighed the fear... but never completely.

You were always scared about it.

I still am.

And how many years later is this?

I can't believe it's been 7 years now...

...And you've been fed, clothed, kept warm?

Yes... I'm actually too chubby for my little frame now... Following this voice has kept me safe. I can't say I'm not still worried or nervous because it's always felt like a delicate balancing act, but I also can't say that I'm not still more curious than afraid...

Even when nothing's "worked out?"

Yes, I have been completely reliant on others' generosity and financial support but usually not without some sort of mutual exchange on my part. What hasn't worked out is being able to be self-reliant and supported from this experience entirely. I've had to co-exist in worlds that don't understand what it is that I am truly experiencing.

That's uncomfortable!

Yes, it is! Why did you feel like it was necessary to do it that way...?

When you're being extricated from the deep entanglement of your Ego's choices, getting you out is no easy undertaking. You are literally tangled in your old environments and relations. It's not my will that pulls you out either, I can only create the experiences for you to understand and subsequently decide for yourself that you want to keep going further into Love. I want what you want but I am not going to be able to do it for you. It's essential that you see it happening from you and not as something you "should" do or something that is just the "right" thing to do either.

It has to be my decision.

Right... If ultimately you are to unify within me, that's a choice that you will have to make for yourself for your own reasons. You are not to be "egged on" into doing something that you didn't sign up for. If you remember, the start of all this only happens because you make a sincere plea for help at the beginning. That whole plea sets in motion a sequence of events that are created based upon your choices and subsequent future choices... as long as you continue to make them.

...Like a series of experiential checkpoints that set off a residual chain of events...

...Yes, you keep getting the experience of repetitious reinforcement of the reality of your choices. You keep getting asked, "Are you sure this is what you want, Michi?" ....in a variety of experiences.**

It happens so much.

You have to understand that the True experience of Life is one of not being forced into doing anything you don't want... What you get on the surface however is what thousands and thousands of years of hurt and force have created as the ideal, the expert manipulation and domination of the "way things are." For you to not be forced into doing anything against your will comes as a completely new experience.

It feels like you are not receiving any direction. You don't know what to choose and no one is there telling you which way to go.

Exactly. All of your choices must come from your own experiences... which is how Love (I) operates... A series of experiences are tailored to you specifically and each one has an overarching "theme" with more nuanced themes making up and detailing the whole theme. Each "theme" is like a piece of you as a thread that has become entangled into a web or like a tangled ball of yarn of your Ego's making. To free you from this tangled mess of a Life, we have to show you each piece of yarn and how it got all mixed up with the whole to begin with.

Mind you this process sounds very specific all typed out like this... but experientially this feels like a mess that you don't have a way out of.

Right... It's because when you enter into this process of disentanglement, you do so out of your choice to be Free after your initial plea for help.

Once you see that you're in over your head...

You keep asking for help...

But you know that you can't get yourself out alone.

Which is why the process itself feels so out of your control. You basically surrender to the process like jumping into an avatar in a video game. You can only get out of the game when you complete the level... and when you complete the level or like you say, cross a checkpoint, you move on to the next level."

But how you play this game is different than a video game...

Not entirely. There's always a type of puzzle to figure out that is programmed into the game at the moment you make each conscious choice. Each level is like a new sequence that is created based upon your completion of the previous level.

How do you complete a level?

You tell me, Mich...

Well, I know you can't escape the avatar once you're in it... That's the distressing part. I think immediately you want out once you realize that you're in. It took me a while to ground and center myself into the realization that the experience was actually happening and that I had to get through it in order to move beyond it.

And how do you get through it?

Well, I feel the answer is always given to you if you're able to see the key to the puzzle from the beginning... Of course, I wasn't able to see it then, but in hindsight, that voice gave me the answer immediately... There is no escape from the experiences that are tailored to disentangle and ultimately set you free, the only way through is by directly confronting your self in each of these "levels."

You have to really look at what has long been hidden inside of you.

...Which sounds all easy-peasy in writing... but in my experience, I had no idea how deep that web went... Night after night I would have these lucid dreams that would experientially play out scenarios that wouldn't have to be experienced in Waking-Life so that I didn't create any further hurt or unintended real-world consequences.

Explain your dreams...

Well, that's how I eventually started typing again after those 2-3 months. That curiosity eventually spilled over into taking a leap into the unknown.

How did that process start?

...With a knock-knock joke...

Knock knock. :)

Who's there?

You.

You who?

You who knew it was me all along!

If I knew it was you, don't you think this would've happened by now?

It has happened, it just wasn't time, remember?

:) ...And where did it go from there?

You ended by saying, "Tonight you will have some dreams. When you wake up, write them here and we can go through them together."

How did you feel about that?

I felt like a crazy person. Here I was telling myself that I was going to have dreams? What if I didn't remember any of them and I woke up with nothing? ...I would've stopped right there because it would've convinced me that I was making it all up and there wasn't really anything on the other end of this line...

What did happen?

I had dreams that night and almost every night for a month... and they were very very specific. I went into them and began to discover piece by piece what was in me... and it wasn't pretty. I usually woke up annoyed, frustrated, angry, sad, hopeless, afraid... I wouldn't say there was anything positive in there...

What made you continue?

I was actually moving through the conversation to wind up at a deeper understanding of the dreams before I started typing. I saw that the conversation format itself helped me to arrive a destination I didn't foresee ahead of time.

So, you kept typing?

...Yeah, the whole month of April it was every day and night, at whatever time I felt "moved" to do it... and it was a literal feeling of being "zapped" or "nudged" to do it... Like a dog who nudges you with its snout to get you to understand something it's trying to communicate to you. After that April, it became more sporadic because I recognized the experience was now transforming out into my world and not so much solely in my dreams or questions. I felt like I had to participate with it externally then.

How long was it from the point of your initial plea to Love to the point when you were dreaming/typing?

Almost 3 years, somewhere between 2 and a half to 3 years.

...Because your experience shifted from reliving old choices, old hurts, old wounds, to entering into more of a prolonged dream-state...

Yes, I guess it was a prolonged dream-state.

Do you remember how it shifted?

After about the 3rd or 4th volatile short-lived relationship, I finally chose to be with only, emphasize on only, myself over trying to find Love in a partner outside of myself.

You had to make that choice for yourself.

Yes, I had to want to be with myself above all else. Once I put the final nail in the coffin of those partnership experiences, I moved onto the next "level," which thrust me into a prolonged dream-state in which I began to converse with what I perceived to be "God" at that time.

This is a good point to pause and pick up tomorrow.

Alright, until then. Love you. :)

I Love you too, Michi :).