Let's start at the beginning.
The beginning of what?
The beginning of, "Why Reach Divine?"
...To be honest, I don't really feel up to it anymore. I don't think I have the energy to tell something in a 1,2,3 step sequence seeing as how time actually moves cyclically.
Well, then how are we going to explain this?
Why do we have to explain it anymore? I've explained it to multiple imaginary audiences and it's always been destroyed only to try it all over again and again and again...
...Because human curiosity is omnipresent. Bite into an "apple" without knowing what it is or where it's come from and the first question that will probably come to mind is, "What is this?"
It's my responsibility to explain what Reach Divine is even though it's always changing and never consistent?
...Consistently creating friction on my experience...
What kind of friction?
Like a zero bullshit tolerance to anything I say or do that isn't totally true in myself. It does keep me honest.
How does it do that?
By creating an extremely uncomfortable feeling inside of myself that I could only describe as a buzzing fly, a constant poke, an annoying tickle... something that you wish would just go away to leave you in peace but never leaves you to be when you really want it.
Why would it do that?
...For the same reason you're doing it to me right now... You're trying to get me to understand something by "egging me on" to go into it further... I just have to be willing to continue with it and follow the rabbit down the hole to see how far down it really goes... no matter how long that process is or where it takes me.
But, why would you do that at all? Why not just take a backseat to your experience and passively let things happen to you because "the universe is always on your side?"
...Because the universe is just a neutral field charged with latent potential energy... energy that is not some judgemental force deciding whether or not what I want is worth making happen by its own determination. There's no list of criteria "the universe" has for its decision-making process...
Then how would you know what to do at all if you're in a relationship with something, in this case, "the universe" that has a neutral charge to it?
Let's just get this out of the way and call this neutral charge what it really is... "Love." If we go ahead and decide to call it "Love" right up front, that will make this a lot easier down the road for me when this understanding can be related to human relationships and not just between myself and "the universe."
Ok, then let's jump ahead and rephrase the question entirely... "How do you know what to do if you're always in a relationship with "Love," which has a neutral charge to it?"
The same way you learn about being in relationship with anything else... You get to know it.
How do you do that, if it's essentially neutral, as you say?
I do it like this... I'm literally conversing with you about it.
And who do you believe is this "you" that you are talking to?
You are Love.
How do you know?
Through years of lucid, experiential checks and balances in myself.
How did you access me?
...You're going to get me to explain this process no matter what, huh?...
Don't you think at the very least that it's interesting?
...At the very least, yes, it's interesting. At most, it's enlightening.
Then let's have it... How do you access me?
...I just asked for it... but I asked out of desperation and I didn't even know I was asking for it when I did.
That's a little confusing
Ok, fine... The story as old as Soul goes something like this... I knew I was living a life that I didn't really want to be in but I kept keeping up with it because I felt like I had no say in the matter. I don't need to go into specifics because I'm sure they'll come up later in other ways but essentially I just couldn't ignore that buzzing fly inside of me that kept pestering me with this feeling that the life I was continually creating for myself had put me on a path that wasn't actually of my own Truth.
How did that feel at the time?
Incredibly overwhelming, anxious, and daunting because I didn't know how to get myself out of it. It felt like I was too far in to completely start over... I didn't even have a clue what a path of my own actually looked like. All I knew was how I felt... All I had to go off of was whether or not I could trust in a feeling.
And did you?
Well, it was a feeling followed through with an action... A crying out in desperation and a heartfelt plea for someone or something to help me.
What did you receive?
Almost immediate guidance in the form of an intuitive knowing... I honestly don't know how it made it through my consciousness because I was an emotional wreck at the time... but it did... and it came in the form of a direction: Home.
And you followed that guidance...
Two days later I was on a plane back to my childhood home... The place I can say now that I was running from then, but I didn't really realize why that was until much much later.
What was that like?
Well, it felt like a tiny opening that I could get myself through if I hurried... Like the door wouldn't be able to stay open for too long but I could make it through if I took decisive action and didn't look back. I also felt the reality of what going in the direction of home would mean...
You'd have to face everything you were running away from before.
...Yep. I would have to directly confront myself in every aspect of my Life's choices. I didn't actually know what that meant back then though...
You mean the experiential aspect of it?
Yeah... That I had to literally relive the relationship dynamics I helped create in the past that led to so much hurt in myself and others in the present. It was the opposite of fun.
What was it then?
It felt like the ole bait and switch method... I'd take the bait into a "new" relationship, hoping it's True Love, and then quickly get the rug pulled out from underneath me to feel my stomach sink into the full realization of what I'd actually gotten myself into and how I got myself there by repeating my "old" choices. It was a series of traps!
At first, it was incredibly scary. I eventually got to the point where I was just waiting for the veil to drop all the time... Like I'm watching a horror movie and every twist and turn could be the moment that catapults you out of your seat... By the time I got to Lu, I felt pretty raw and exposed.
...You have to introduce Lu now too :)
How do I do that?
By explaining who you think She is.
Don't you think that would be something I should let Her do for Herself...? I don't need to be man-splaining and trapping Her into this perceptive bubble that I ignorantly insist I know...
Then say that... If that's how you feel.
Well, yeah... That's how I approach Her... I let Her tell me who She is. I don't need to explain Her for myself or for anyone else. What would be the purpose of that? To wrap my mind around who She is for me? To siphon Her whole multidimensional being down into a few "personality" traits? To be honest, I don't want my mind having anything to do with who She is. I'd rather keep it guessing and let my Heart be the gauge.
And what does your Heart say then?
My Heart says that at the core of who I am, there She is.
How do you perceive that in your everyday relationship?
As a felt quality that I can only recognize after being in relationship with it in myself. It's like developing a whole new perceptive sense that isn't neurotically obsessed with getting a final answer. It's a sense that is always unfolding and flowering into becoming more of itself... So to say it is any one thing or even a quantifiable list of things, is ignorantly missing the point entirely.
You mean to say that you're allowing of the growth of Her Soul's journey...
Yes, of course... No Soul actually wants to be confined into "one" expression... That's why we're just jumping bodies all over the place... We're always looking for an expansive and fluid understanding of who we are always evolving.
Is there ever a stopping point to that growth?
I should be asking you that question...
You know how this works, Michi...
Ok ok... Is there ever a stopping point to the Soul's growth?
Yes. There is a complete unification within Love, within me.
And what happens at that point?
It's precisely what doesn't happen at that point... It's a cessation of growth.
...How does that relate to what we can observe though? If I can gather everything from my experience of Life, what I gather around me is the constant state of growth, followed by decay... or decay followed by growth. The in, the out... A breath of Life that is forever embracing us all in Her ecstatic dance through time and space...
Yes, but here in me you are not affected by the tides of experience. You are experience. Do you understand?
At a stage of unification, we are no longer affected by Life, we become it? Does that mean we sort of link up to the power of its processes... like a giant battery?
Hahah... Yes! It's like a battery that you are no longer only using power from. You merge with and become part of the source that animates Life itself.
And this battery is Love? The Mother Herself?
Yes. If it helps you to consider it as "Mother," then yes.
It does help me to understand but I honestly just feel it inside of me as a Mothering presence... I know this visual being created could imply a kind of hive structure that has many people worried about their individuality being lost to a "greater power."
And what do you say to that, Michi?
I guess this is why you feel like a Mothering influence to me... This battery is nothing but a neutral charge. There is no will to it that is determining Her actions against our own. There are no instructions that come with the battery on how to "properly" use the battery's energy according to "Her" will. We are completely and wholly responsible for our own selves and our own choices, but if we should ever desire to come Home after a long day of play, we are always welcome. It feels like a loving Mother who lets Her children play and experientially work-out relationship dynamics with real-time materially-dense consequences to their actions. If at any point they feel they've reached their own conclusion to that "play," their Souls cry out to the Mother to call them Home.
How do you know when it's time to come Home?
I can't possibly answer this question for all Souls.
Then, speak for yourself, Michi.
It's not quite a state of depression but it feels like there is no longer anything for you to experience here. You find the emptiness in experience being solely based in the illusion of the surface and you want out, but never once did I actually consider ending my own Life as a way of getting "out." The feeling is an immense amount of internal discomfort while simultaneously feeling completely alone and unable to communicate my yearning for a deeper connection to Life.
In other words, you are tired and weary from the Life you are living, no longer motivated to "change" it and make it something "better" because it will always be tied to the dualistic dynamics of "for every point, there is a counter-point."
Right. I only sincerely asked for help because I already exhausted myself in my many attempts to remedy my own Life by trying to make it better... in ways only I thought it could.
What did a better life look like to you then?
One where I was directly connected to Life... What I now know as you, Love, Mother.
And the Life that wasn't...?
...Felt shallow, superficial, surface-oriented... almost dense to the point of stupidity... like watching someone throw their Life away by thinking they are doing "the right thing."
The right thing being what?
...What society is currently valuing, approving of, celebrating... insinuating.
Which is always changing...
Right... But, when you think it's all there is and all there will be, you just go along with that crowd... basically walking yourself off the plank willingly ignorantly and most likely fearfully believing its "the way things are."
And how do you find another way?
Recognizing there is no better way or a better life that you are looking for... It's a way, a life that lets your unique expression come through as it desires.
Like freedom of self-expression?
No, you're right... I should clarify that. It's not the limitation of self-expression that we're speaking of here... It's the expression of your Love, which has its own quality that is inherent or unique inside of you.
And that's who you're saying Luila is for you, right?
Yes. Luila is the embodiment, or the out-pictured image, of the expression of Love that I feel inside of myself... which is unique to me.
Are you implying that you are tied together then?
Not in a restrictive, no movement, limiting of personal freedom sense of the word... no. But, we are two parts of the same whole that have each had to wake up to their half of that whole.
That waking up process...
It's a doozy...
It's one tornado after another... for years on end.
There's so much being tossed up and turned inside out... How do you get through something like that together?
I'll let Her explain Her side of that experience whenever She's ready. I can only speak for my side... It started with me going Home after my sincere plea for help, experientially reliving and repeating old choices, old hurts, old wounds in short-term partnerships... until I chose no one and nothing else but myself to be with. Once I chose only myself, I gradually began to release the past to make enough room for space. All I wanted was some space to be able to start at zero-point. That meant literally getting rid of old possessions as a symbolic and physical removal of any kind of "tie" which kept me "entangled" with that past. I'd say to get myself to just empty space took about 3 years. At the tail end of that third year, I felt you come into my experience as a suggestion to write, or to be more specific... to create a play.
What happened in that play?
Well, it was about a character who was living in his parents' house again...
Hahah... Seems obvious to me now, but I actually didn't get it then...
Go on... :)
...His name was Sam and whenever he tried to write in his journal a voice would interrupt and write for him. That voice was playful and poked fun at Sam's private behaviors and seriousness about his situation, but to Sam, it was purely annoying because he just wanted to write down his own thoughts and feelings in his journal... He just wanted to be left alone. Sam felt interrupted and wanted immediate answers as to who this voice was but the voice was always evasive and trying to circumvent Sam's single-pointed focus...
How far did you get in this play?
Not very far... which is a shame, because I still think it's worth writing.
What happened instead?
Well, as I was writing the play, I felt the direction of Sam's inner voice speak to me directly.
...Sounds kind of spooky...
Again... Yeah, with my limited experience of all things spiritual, this moment felt like being afraid of the dark.
What did the voice say?
..."Are you ready to be honest about this, Michael?"
You were confronted.
Yeah... It's easier to get through to someone at first when they can learn about themselves vis-a-vis stories, movies, plays... because we're not very fond of being called out on our behavior directly.
You would know better than anyone... The Ego is very fragile and has already spent years upon years reinforcing its fortresses to protect itself from being hurt or exposing the Heart it's actively been trying to hide from others... If someone or something outside of itself literally sees that process happening and confronts you on it... forget about it... That Ego is going to lash out and react in a number of very predictable ways.
We'll get to that in a bit... For now, let's stick to your play...
Ok... So that voice confronts me directly and I receive more intuitive knowing about what it's going to mean...
I'd have to be honest and open as I am, not making myself into another "character."
Loaded with symbolism...?
Yeah, it's chock-full of metaphors all the way through this experience... but at that time I didn't see any of that. It actually really startled me and took me another 2 or 3 months before I really accepted what wanted to happen through me.
Why did it take you so long?
Because I was extremely preoccupied with the very human and practical worries, beliefs, fears about having to support myself and with a job. I wasn't about to just type a conversation out with myself because I didn't think any of that would get me fed and clothed with a roof over my head. I was terrified out of my mind about it, truly.
What made you eventually do it, then?
...Human curiosity is omnipresent...
Yeah, I ultimately felt more curious than afraid... The question of "What if it leads to something?" outweighed the fear... but never completely.
You were always scared about it.
I still am.
And how many years later is this?
I can't believe it's been 7 years now...
...And you've been fed, clothed, kept warm?
Yes... I'm actually too chubby for my little frame now... Following this voice has kept me safe. I can't say I'm not still worried or nervous because it's always felt like a delicate balancing act, but I also can't say that I'm not still more curious than afraid...
Even when nothing's "worked out?"
Yes, I have been completely reliant on others' generosity and financial support but usually not without some sort of mutual exchange on my part. What hasn't worked out is being able to be self-reliant and supported from this experience entirely. I've had to co-exist in worlds that don't understand what it is that I am truly experiencing.
Yes, it is! Why did you feel like it was necessary to do it that way...?
When you're being extricated from the deep entanglement of your Ego's choices, getting you out is no easy undertaking. You are literally tangled in your old environments and relations. It's not my will that pulls you out either, I can only create the experiences for you to understand and subsequently decide for yourself that you want to keep going further into Love. I want what you want but I am not going to be able to do it for you. It's essential that you see it happening from you and not as something you "should" do or something that is just the "right" thing to do either.
It has to be my decision.
Right... If ultimately you are to unify within me, that's a choice that you will have to make for yourself for your own reasons. You are not to be "egged on" into doing something that you didn't sign up for. If you remember, the start of all this only happens because you make a sincere plea for help at the beginning. That whole plea sets in motion a sequence of events that are created based upon your choices and subsequent future choices... as long as you continue to make them.
...Like a series of experiential checkpoints that set off a residual chain of events...
...Yes, you keep getting the experience of repetitious reinforcement of the reality of your choices. You keep getting asked, "Are you sure this is what you want, Michi?" ....in a variety of experiences.**
It happens so much.
You have to understand that the True experience of Life is one of not being forced into doing anything you don't want... What you get on the surface however is what thousands and thousands of years of hurt and force have created as the ideal, the expert manipulation and domination of the "way things are." For you to not be forced into doing anything against your will comes as a completely new experience.
It feels like you are not receiving any direction. You don't know what to choose and no one is there telling you which way to go.
Exactly. All of your choices must come from your own experiences... which is how Love (I) operates... A series of experiences are tailored to you specifically and each one has an overarching "theme" with more nuanced themes making up and detailing the whole theme. Each "theme" is like a piece of you as a thread that has become entangled into a web or like a tangled ball of yarn of your Ego's making. To free you from this tangled mess of a Life, we have to show you each piece of yarn and how it got all mixed up with the whole to begin with.
Mind you this process sounds very specific all typed out like this... but experientially this feels like a mess that you don't have a way out of.
Right... It's because when you enter into this process of disentanglement, you do so out of your choice to be Free after your initial plea for help.
Once you see that you're in over your head...
You keep asking for help...
But you know that you can't get yourself out alone.
Which is why the process itself feels so out of your control. You basically surrender to the process like jumping into an avatar in a video game. You can only get out of the game when you complete the level... and when you complete the level or like you say, cross a checkpoint, you move on to the next level."
But how you play this game is different than a video game...
Not entirely. There's always a type of puzzle to figure out that is programmed into the game at the moment you make each conscious choice. Each level is like a new sequence that is created based upon your completion of the previous level.
How do you complete a level?
You tell me, Mich...
Well, I know you can't escape the avatar once you're in it... That's the distressing part. I think immediately you want out once you realize that you're in. It took me a while to ground and center myself into the realization that the experience was actually happening and that I had to get through it in order to move beyond it.
And how do you get through it?
Well, I feel the answer is always given to you if you're able to see the key to the puzzle from the beginning... Of course, I wasn't able to see it then, but in hindsight, that voice gave me the answer immediately... There is no escape from the experiences that are tailored to disentangle and ultimately set you free, the only way through is by directly confronting your self in each of these "levels."
You have to really look at what has long been hidden inside of you.
...Which sounds all easy-peasy in writing... but in my experience, I had no idea how deep that web went... Night after night I would have these lucid dreams that would experientially play out scenarios that wouldn't have to be experienced in Waking-Life so that I didn't create any further hurt or unintended real-world consequences.
Explain your dreams...
Well, that's how I eventually started typing again after those 2-3 months. That curiosity eventually spilled over into taking a leap into the unknown.
How did that process start?
...With a knock-knock joke...
Knock knock. :)
You who knew it was me all along!
If I knew it was you, don't you think this would've happened by now?
It has happened, it just wasn't time, remember?
:) ...And where did it go from there?
You ended by saying, "Tonight you will have some dreams. When you wake up, write them here and we can go through them together."
How did you feel about that?
I felt like a crazy person. Here I was telling myself that I was going to have dreams? What if I didn't remember any of them and I woke up with nothing? ...I would've stopped right there because it would've convinced me that I was making it all up and there wasn't really anything on the other end of this line...
What did happen?
I had dreams that night and almost every night for a month... and they were very very specific. I went into them and began to discover piece by piece what was in me... and it wasn't pretty. I usually woke up annoyed, frustrated, angry, sad, hopeless, afraid... I wouldn't say there was anything positive in there...
What made you continue?
I was actually moving through the conversation to wind up at a deeper understanding of the dreams before I started typing. I saw that the conversation format itself helped me to arrive a destination I didn't foresee ahead of time.
So, you kept typing?
...Yeah, the whole month of April it was every day and night, at whatever time I felt "moved" to do it... and it was a literal feeling of being "zapped" or "nudged" to do it... Like a dog who nudges you with its snout to get you to understand something it's trying to communicate to you. After that April, it became more sporadic because I recognized the experience was now transforming out into my world and not so much solely in my dreams or questions. I felt like I had to participate with it externally then.
How long was it from the point of your initial plea to Love to the point when you were dreaming/typing?
Almost 3 years, somewhere between 2 and a half to 3 years.
...Because your experience shifted from reliving old choices, old hurts, old wounds, to entering into more of a prolonged dream-state...
Yes, I guess it was a prolonged dream-state.
Do you remember how it shifted?
After about the 3rd or 4th volatile short-lived relationship, I finally chose to be with only, emphasize on only, myself over trying to find Love in a partner outside of myself.
You had to make that choice for yourself.
Yes, I had to want to be with myself above all else. Once I put the final nail in the coffin of those partnership experiences, I moved onto the next "level," which thrust me into a prolonged dream-state in which I began to converse with what I perceived to be "God" at that time.
This is a good point to pause and pick up tomorrow.
Alright, until then. Love you. :)
I Love you too, Michi :).