July 30, 2019•4,559 words
God was who to you then?
I honestly didn't know at the time. I had conflicting experiences. I had the feeling that I carried in me since I was a child and I had the information I was told from Catholic schools since I was a child. The two never seemed to link up or make sense together because the feeling I had didn't need to be explained, while the information presented always felt distant, as it really was coming from someone, somewhere, or something else.
But you were affected by these beliefs...
Unfortunately, yeah I was and I didn't know how pervasive those beliefs were inside of me. Even if I knew it was a bunch of bullshit, the idea of being "good" or doing "good" in the eyes of a judgemental Father God was always in the back of my mind because the origin of that God was created by a group of men precisely for that manipulative purpose. They somewhat succeeded in the control and order they were expertly trying to oppose on others, and mostly in women, because for hundreds of thousands of years before the creation of this Father God by man, there was mainly the recognition and veneration of the Goddess, the Mother, the Earth.
What do you know about that time?
Before man-made religion?
I know all patriarchal religions co-opted ancient symbols and myths to reframe or retell stories as old as Soul, solely to create a world that was controlled and enforced by male elite law and order. Before then, women were the holders of sacred rites and rituals, seen as embodiments of the Mother, who like the Earth Herself, are the only ones who we observe giving birth to both men and women from their bodies. They were revered and respected, upheld as gateways to the Divine, not as sluts who can't control their "perverted" and "demonic" sexual "urges." They were looked to as the ones who are in direct sync and communion with the Mother and Her cycles, as observed in the mutual, cyclical relationships of the menstrual cycle with the Moon and the moon with the seasons.
How do you relate to that as a man?
The same way I've related to it my whole Life... feeling at home in the company of women over the company of men. I've had best friends in my life that are guys since I was 2 years old, but I never felt quite the same at-home feeling as I did with friends that were girls, even if I didn't know them that well... It made it tricky to relate to them past grade school though, because friendship became all mixed-up with the flood of hormones and resulting confusion of how to find intimacy/connection in a patriarchial male-dominated world-order filled with billions upon billions of images and distorted examples of how women should be for a man, how to get a man's attention, and how the two should relate together.
What do you mean?
Boys and girls learn to relate to each other from emotionally stunted and sexually repressed men and women who are psychologically influenced/suggestively controlled by a jealous, man-made, narcissistic, judgemental Father God who approves only of sexual relations for the Divine purpose of "his" childbirth??... And for thousands of years has vilified, shamed, and continues to shame all women for their sexual desire unless they become "good," gentle, feeble, and submissive mothers whose sole purpose is to sacrifice their bodies and desires just to give man more male children??... Co-opting ancient myths and re-writing them to create an "original sin" from a woman's curiosity of "knowledge" and Her collaborative gesture of sharing in this knowledge with man, by portraying Her as this Father God's disobedient daughter who is forever responsible for a blemish on all of mankind because She chooses Her desire to know(!) over staying forever locked up and chained to his "paradise," a.k.a his own backyard where he can keep his children in his sight and out of the "troubled, sinful" world??? All forms of pleasure for the sake of pleasure are then demonized as attempts of the cunning persuasiveness of a brand-new "devil," now "obviously" portrayed through this woman's desire to share "knowledge" with man (whose symbolic origins have also been co-opted and turned into something we are taught to fear) by capturing you through your unholy desire in a hell that imprisons you for all eternity???? In other words, man created something to fear if you desired pleasure because sexual pleasure is a route to Sacred Ecstatic Union in the Divine, in Her, and Ecstatic Union in the Divine is an empowered, enlightened perspective that is inherently aware and lucid of what truly is here, and consequently can see right through all outside attempts to control it from coercion, manipulation, or force... All attempts to control you do so for "your own good," so you better shut up, stay in your lane, stop whining, and you better not "wake up," otherwise "powerful" men can't stay as "powerful" men forever...Then all the people underneath him can't pretend their climbing the ladder in his hierarchical game of favors anymore...
Do you know why this happened?
I have my guess, but I'd rather hear it from you...
What will you choose when you truly feel out of control? When death creeps in to take you and those you love out of your sight? If you don't see a reason for life or death, who would you blame for giving, but then without a moments notice, taking from you the very same person(s) that you loved more than anything in this world? If it was "Mother" before, then She becomes "wicked." She seems to have it out against you... In a harsh environment, an extreme climate... drought, famine, death... She gives you Life but then She appears to take it without a moments notice...
And man's God takes a life because he's punishing you, or because you've been saved as you've already renounced all worldly desires of the flesh and submitted to a pure spirit God who you should Fear with a capital F... If you live in a harsh environment or you're getting the shit end of the stick, it's not the fault of the society's and institutions' core founding beliefs and structuring, it's your fault because you're a sinner and you have to confess (submit) to him that you are a bad person in need of saving... after that, God can be on your side and help whatever team you like to win at sports again...
But, not to worry! Of course you're going to a better place if you submit to him and receive his favor... He'll cleanse you of all your "sins" if you just recognize him as your Father
Yeah! You get to spend all eternity in "his" heaven! At "his" house! Eating dinner at "his" table! Sounds so exciting and exhilarating, doesn't it? Suffer, sacrifice, and toil away down on here this ole "rotten, dirty, unclean" Earth just so you can eat at his table up high in the sky with easy Jeez and all those co-opted saints? Crystal clear silverware? Angels & Harps anyone?
All will see this as one massive attempt to keep a huge amount of people from becoming enlightened and free.
I'm not sure everyone would believe that it could be so purposeful over all these years... that people would do it for the sake of controlling and keeping a controlling, wealthy elite throughout millennia.
That's just how it started. What it has morphed into now is just a residual effect of thousands upon thousands of years of oppression encoded in our DNA.
How does the Mother let something like this happen?
Like I said, my will is not enforced over yours. What is created here is created by your desire and action. If people decide to use force with their desire to make sure they achieve their outcome at whatever cost and however ugly it may be, then we must experience the outcomes of those choices to act on those desires in order to truly understand the consequences of those actions.
But you give and take Life... How is it True that your will isn't overriding mine?
It is True because it is True of all my cycles. We are constantly in an ebb and flow together. No one life is an exception to these tides... You can experience your life in me as you desire, but within me, you are connected to a web that is sourced from the "battery" for the simple purpose of having your experience.
Is this how man tried and continues to try to control you?
Where else can you live forever but in his heaven?
Then why fear death?
...Because what happens when you die? Does anyone really know?
Wouldn't we find rebirth as everything else in you does?
Do you experience time organically now, or is there an imposed schedule on your day preventing you from discovering this answer for yourself? Whose idea was it to give order to your day? Whose idea was it to structure what Life is already inherently structured in? And who believes it's all worth staunchly defending and maintaining as the status quo? Where are we going in this daily schedule except away from ourselves, our own rhythms, our own connection that we already have inside of us... We came here with it as we are always connected to each other within me. All we need to ask ourselves for is to wake the seed that lies dormant inside of each and every one of us... What happens in death can be observed in Life. What happens in Life can be observed in death. Neither are meant to be feared. Neither are meant to be ignored. Each is meant to be embraced as a means to the other.
...So you did just answer my question then...
Hahaha... Mich, let's focus on your Life because this is where you can glimmer what meaning you feel. You do not need to speak for a group or groups of people that may have their own questions or doubts you need to answer. Just keep it personal. This is your experience you're sharing. If someone comes across this and decides to read it, they will read your perspective and hopefully choose to ask their own questions to receive their own answers. You are not responsible for preemptively trying to answer all prodding questions when what you are sharing is your connection as it brings you joy to converse with me. That is all. This is just your personal journal. This is your own experience.
Oh, thank goodness...
You have to direct this conversation where you feel you want it to go for you personally because that is how you continue to evolve your consciousness and expand your understanding. This isn't a platform to answer or comfort other people's doubts or worries. This is your space, you would do best to treat it that way.
Done! I know this is something that I've had a hard time with... Always trying to make what I create something for other people too...
Yes, you don't need to do that anymore... and you never needed to in the first place. Follow your Heart will it leads you and you will take us somewhere nice...
Hmmm... somewhere nice... Well, I'd like to get there together. That's been my choice now and has always been my choice.
Where would you like us to go?
Well, you had me explaining Reach Divine for a bit there...
Yeah, you were about to explain what we do here together and how you came to that in your prolonged dream-state.
That's when we started talking, or when you started to illuminate some things in me... but I'm still looking to be more in the present with this... I feel like I want to talk about other things.
Ok, what do you got?
I guess this will inadvertently get at me explaining Reach Divine anyway... but I want to enjoy being here more. This conversation with you isn't ever about me using our connection to learn how to separate from my body in order to Reach Divine in pure spirit... I converse with you because I want to understand how this Life is actually Heaven on Earth, and how to live it from that place inside and outside of me... Reach Divine is being here more fully in Union with you.
Is that how this conversation originally started for you though?
No... Once I chose myself, I did so out of the realization that I was always looking for someone else to be the person who is everything I ever wanted them to be for me... Someone to listen to all my problems, support me in my dreams, understand all of my thoughts, concerns... Someone to give me emotional comfort, affection, and their undivided attention... In short, I needed a lot! I was asking for so much from another person because I was always looking to give that kind of attention to another... and therefore, I expected it in return. The final choice to converse with myself basically came out of the last resort after realizing I was never going to get what I wanted from another person because it was always going to be unreasonable and an insurmountable task to ask of anyone... I mean consider what I'm actually asking here... I wanted someone to leave their own life so they could spend all of their time only focusing on mine...
Where do you think that comes from? Who would be the first to expect that kind of relationship from you?
I know you're hesitant to go into this...
It's not fair to speak of others' behavior if they're not here to share their side of the story.
Then don't speak of their behavior. Speak from your Heart about your perspective. Share how you felt and keep it from your perspective only.
Well, I observed early on that whenever I chose to leave or go somewhere that came from a place of joy or enthusiasm in myself, it created a counter-effect of sadness in others. I also mirrored this to them as a child, having a very hard time whenever I was without their presence. I learned that my happiness created separation between those that I loved and myself, and it meant that the only way I could keep everyone from being sad was if I was literally present and communicative with them on a regular time-schedule that they were comfortable with...otherwise the worry would increase exponentially based upon the amount of space between each communication. I learned that this behavior was not only desired in me, it was expected of me because it felt like my life was not my own to discover my joy, but something that I was indebted to just for being born... as if it were my responsibility. Every generous deed or piece of support felt like another string that I had to repay down the line. Nothing felt freely given or without an emotional string attached even though nothing was ever said to me directly. Support was given as long as they saw exactly what I was doing with it, meaning I always had to explain myself and know what I was doing before I could even feel free to discover whatever it is I was searching for in myself. Even receiving the support to travel and follow my Heart never felt fully comfortable in me, as a looming sense of guilt and responsibility to make my experience something more always followed me wherever I went. To me, family has not been a place I have felt free to be as I am, but a place where the majority of true feelings are hidden from me without ever being able to be directly spoken about calmly and conversationally. Guilt is a passive pull that can tug at you from opposite ends of the Earth and bring you back somewhere out of a sense of loyalty, duty, and obligation to others rather than a choice made out of the freedom to want to be in someone's company just because it feels good to do so. I started to feel bad that I wanted to leave so much, but I have to be honest with myself that there really were valid reasons I wanted to leave even though so much of my experience had been positive. I never felt I had a bad childhood or I was mistreated. I always felt incredibly grateful and extremely lucky to have the family and the life that I did, which made looking at the shadow side of my experience really quite difficult. If my experience was physically abusive, maybe it would've been easier to discover the origin of why so many of my behaviors led to destructive relationships, but it wasn't. To the average viewer, my childhood may be seen as idyllic... but where I had to learn to look was under the surface and behind the scenes of what could be seen as normal.
The sensitivity to this issue in you lies in the inherent Truth that no one is free of doing something they regret or behaving in ways that they wish they could change. You always understood this in yourself and others, but it didn't feel mutually accepted by your family. It didn't feel like criticism was well received.
No, and who am I to criticize? I'm not perfect...
No, but you can tell someone how they make you feel.
I always felt afraid of that.
Why do you think that is?
I became afraid of confrontation because I saw it leading to the inevitable result of anger, scolding, and punishment, not resolution. I saw it blow up in my face when I started to speak my Truth about how I saw the world. My perspective was never wholly positive or glowing on behalf of society... and my family is a part of that society just as I am. I have no problem owning up to and taking the blame for my part of what I am ignorant of, which is exemplified in this very conversation and this dedication to a process of always wanting to be enlightened to what I don't understand in myself... but for those who don't want to be told anything about themselves or the life they're living... they perceive that no other person is in a place to tell them they are doing something "wrong." And no one wants to feel bad about themselves...we'd all rather feel like we're "good" people or just go on accepting that we'll never be "perfect."
Or... they just want to keep living their life the way that it is because they actually like it that way and they don't want anyone trying to change it.
Right... which is what creates the friction. I come in like the black swan in the family who disagrees with the life we're living but desperately tries to conform and just keep the peace because I actually do love and care about them, but meanwhile I'm silently suffering inside and always looking for a way out and into a life that feels True to me specifically...when all I see around me in my personal world is disconnection and shallow attempts at satisfying our happiness with the "economy," in insanely fast-paced, anxiety-fueled environment.
You can't turn off that sight either...
No, as much as I've tried to pull the wool over my eyes at times... I just can't seem to make myself fit in either. I really feel like Reach Divine is me finally flying my freak flag and saying this is who I am... I'm this person that is fascinated in the spiritual, deeper mysteries of life... A person bent on seeing the Truth of this reality and all the attempts at covering up the Truth with artificial means of distraction, denial, and fear-based persuasion.
To go back a bit... you said, "I wanted someone to leave their own life so they could spend all of their time only focusing on mine..." Do you know where that desire originally comes from?
I thought we just went through it...
Yes, you see how it was gathered from your parents, but do you see how your parents gathered it for themselves?
I'd love to hear it.
In a Father God world, what is the role of woman in his society?
Well, She's been punished into submitting Her will and Life to his...
And what is his will for women as we've been told?
For their lives to be solely based in motherhood. To deny their sexual desire or any other "selfish" desire...
...And spend all of their time only focusing on...
And the man?
...He's free to come and go under the guise of "the provider," which he always makes sure to let everyone know just how much of a burden it is for himself to have to do... even though it is the man's world he's agreeing to live in, playing by the man's rules, and usually submitting himself to some other alpha male archetype dominating him.
You see how your desire to have someone solely focused on you comes from the very life you grew up in? ...That you had a mother who was solely focused on you while your father was working?
I see what you're saying, but what other way would you suggest? If no one is solely focusing on the child, isn't the child likely to feel like their needs are being neglected?
I suggest that you wait to discover this if you are a parent yourself because until then you won't truly understand the experience of this.
Couldn't I imagine myself as a parent?
You can always imagine with me!
Well, then let's do that. Let's imagine I'm becoming a father...
If we're imagining here... why do we have to keep the same gender you already have?
Ohh ok, that's fun... Let's imagine I'm an expectant mother.
Alright, how do you feel about yourself becoming a mother?
I feel really powerful for being able to carry a child and bring new life into the world, but I'm a little nervous that I'm going to able to take care of it once it comes. It feels like a huge responsibility.
I don't know if I'm going to be alone in it, even if I have a partner. Will we have enough money for it? Will I have to work for it? Will he have to work and be gone more? It feels like I'm just learning how to take care of myself, or even still struggling with understanding life for myself, and I'm already asked to take care of another life? I honestly don't know how I'm qualified for this... Shouldn't there be some kind of natural and biological mechanism inside of me that unlocks when Nature tells me I'm totally ready for something like this... because whenever puberty hit was like wayyyyy too early for me to bring a life into the world...
Hahaha... Your menstrual cycle isn't engaged when it is just for the sake of being able to produce children... It's there to begin to establish your connection in me, your initiation into womanhood... It is there to help you get in touch with your power, my cycles.
I never got enough time to get in touch with anything... It's too late now, I'm pregnant already! This child is coming and I'm going to have to take care of it. What am I going to do?
**You're going to have to take it one day at a time. You can start where you are and get in touch with your body and your child right now.
Why am I even having a child though?
Did you want to?
I guess so, I mean I know I would love my partner, but I'm not so sure I understand my choice to have a child if I saw my own childhood as being something I wanted to experience differently. I don't feel ready to be a mother. Honestly, the responsibility feels way too overwhelming.
And what about becoming a father?
Same. Not ready for that either. I don't want to have to work overtime just to support the family and be away from my partner and my child. I want to be together in it. I want us all to be together in it as a family unit, but I don't know how we're going to be able to support ourselves if we're spending all of our time focusing on raising the child. Where is the money going to come from? How is our society not pulling us away from being with each other?
It is pulling you away from each other...
Is there another way?
There's always another way, but to create a new doorway into another kind of experience you would have to acknowledge what you truly want to experience out of your Heart's genuine desire. Not from a fear of not being able to take care of the child, but from your Heart's desire to be together.
That is my choice. I want to be together in it and not feel like anyone is burdened with so much extra responsibility that will sow division amongst ourselves.
What you're asking for is True Love based upon mutual sharing and cooperation.
Yes, I guess it is...
What you're asking for is open communication and distribution of child-rearing responsibilities.
Yes, I am.
What you need is connection, love, and shared experiences.
Yes, I do.
Then you will have to completely change your life and the expectations you've had for it.
What are the expectations I've had?
Are you imagining that you're becoming a mother or a father now?
I think I left off as a father...
Ok, so what did you want before you knew you were becoming a father?
I wanted my independence and freedom to do whatever I wanted to without feeling like my movement is restricted...
And before you knew you were becoming a mother?
I don't know... I think I wanted a lightness to my experience, a casualness about my day, just enjoying it as it comes and being left to do it in my own way.
Both of you will have to change.
Isn't that why relationships fall apart though? Two people who feel like they have to compromise what they would just be doing naturally to make it work together?
If it is a compromise, then yes, it would be unnatural and untrue for both individuals... but if it is in a direction of meeting both his and her hearts' desires, then the change is from two different life paths that were both untrue now merging into one path that is True for both... which is how they would've met each other already, regardless if they felt ready or it or not.
Two become One.
Not quite. Two becoming One is a different kind of union that you'll have to dive into for your own Life, Mich...
Oh, should we do that now?
How about tomorrow?
Ok... Let's do that.
Night night. :)