Before we get into all that... I was wondering if I need to take any more steps to leave behind this patriarchial world... I know I'm still in its sphere of influence and instead of just bitching about it, I want to know what further steps I could take to free myself.
You've already done so much to get yourself aligned to that direction.
Have I done enough?
It's not really what you have done, but what you haven't that actually propels you in the direction you seek.
I understand what you're saying but I know I am still in it... I don't want my ignorance to be a blinding contribution to my own imprisonment.
What would you like to know, specifically?
How do I get out?!
The same way you got yourself in.
I can just walk away? I have nowhere else to go.
You didn't get yourself in by just walking into it. Your choices led you here and your choices can lead you out.
Your choices to be "together" over the choices to be with yourself.
I see the choice to be with myself takes me from here but I don't know where else to go.
...Because you're not just walking out the door and through another... If you're truly leaving from a place, situation, relationship, it's because you're absolutely ready for it to be gone from your Life. The only thing you have to be fully lucid and aware about is that gone means gone. There's no going back from this. Once you leave his world, you know the door is closed and locked from behind you, right?
I know... That's why I've wanted more reassurance that I'll be okay whenever I do go. I've been trying to do so much to support myself and everything I choose to do ends up getting destroyed because I realize its energy that I'm just trying to move out of me and not the kind of energy that I want supporting or following me to a new place.
What kind of energy do you want supporting you?
I want it to have the quality of yours. I think it will have to if it's to exist in your world. I haven't been able to match it in body, and I know that's why "nothing has worked..." because what has actually been in me was working itself out of me.
Can you feel my Love?
When can you feel it?
When I'm calm and resting... When I'm present and aware... When I'm grounded and open...
When can't you feel it?
When I'm nervous or excited... When I'm angry or afraid... When I'm doubtful or ashamed...
Then you know what it must feel like in whatever you choose to create.
But how do I do that if I feel all of those things in a day? I'm just supposed to block out all the feelings I don't want...
You always have a choice. What you choose becomes you. What you choose comes True whether you are completely lucid in that choice or not... which is why in alignment with me I insist that you are lucid of your choice. If you choose my Love, it will inevitably become all that you are... but you have to make this choice for yourself from an awareness that can grasp the real consequences of your intention. I cannot force your direction. You must want it and ask for it from your Heart's desire. If your Heart isn't in it, I cannot help you because your desire wouldn't be sincere and I would have to wait for your consciousness to catch up to truly understanding the reality of the choice you're about to make. If you genuinely desire to be my Love, it will be a dream come True for both of us. All you have to do is ask. All that I ask in return is for you to send love and gratitude to those who helped you find your direction. You do not have to say this to them directly, but you can feel and release this is yourself.
It sounds kind of dramatic...
A death of any kind, be it in or out of form, contains a finality to it. We understand the want to have undesirable situations out of our lives, but we do not accept so easily an ending to something we've wanted to keep around...
..Sometimes we don't even know we're still "wanting" something to stay in our experience even if we tell ourselves that we don't.
Yes. Understanding a choice to end something and begin something new requires lucid awareness if you are to squeeze through any new doorway I open for you in-body. A death in form is made in sync with the lucid awareness of who are you. This is what you must "get with" before you can crossover and into other ways of relating.
I am with it.
Yes, I know you are. From here, you can signal your choice to me, the battery, the neutral charge that accepts your fate and the decision you make. I will take it and create a new doorway from your desire that will open to you and you will see anyone else who is in alignment with your Heart's desire come with you without persuasion. For those who remain, they do so out of their own alignment, whether conscious of it or not.
How will I know when this new doorway opens?
The same way you knew it was time to come back home...
I was in a terrible place back then...
...I do still feel pretty hopeless... but not as emotionally inflicted.
You can expect to receive an intuitive answer the same way you did before.
Immediately after I make the request?
Yes, immediately after you make the request from your Heart's desire you will be met with the intuitive knowing of what steps to take next.
But this isn't the doorway?
The doorway opens to you when you are ready to walk through. Are you ready to walk through?
Then if it is True to your Heart's desire, this conversation can serve as the acknowledgment from you that you are making a choice out of your Heart's desire to leave behind a way of relating informed by a patriarchal belief system that no longer serves you.
Yes, that is my choice. Do I get to say where I want to go?
Do you know where you'd like to go?
Somewhere that embodies your Love. Somewhere I can begin to relate to and learn from you in wholeness of body and place. Somewhere that feels like an oasis, a place of healing, trust, sharing, and open communication. Somewhere I feel safe and taken care of by you and by those who live in you. Somewhere I can rest and be close to the sea. Somewhere that matches the quality of how you feel. I want to go somewhere where I can actually feel myself in you. I want it to be specific to you and I though... specific to our connection... only as long as it brings me closer to you and not further away.
As you wish then...
Are you asking me to forgive by saying, "All that I ask in return is for you to send love and gratitude to those who helped you find your direction...?"
I'm saying that to truly move on in any direction and to leave the past behind, your Heart's desire must be known. You cannot be holding on to personal baggage that you feel you need to carry with you no matter where you go.
Isn't that forgiveness though?
Yes. Forgiveness is letting someone "off your hook..."
I don't understand forgiveness or how to forgive...
Forgiveness does not come by forcing it so.
I know, but what is it even? I'm not going to be able to forget, I'm always going to be aware of how I'm feeling and where/how the hurt happened.
Well, you answered your question with your own answer... "I'm always going to be aware of how I'm feeling and where/how the hurt happened..." If you are truly "aware" of how the hurt happened, you understand all sides of those experiences and the consciousness of the individuals involved. Forgiveness only comes when you truly understand how the hurt happened.
What if it still makes me angry?
...Then, you can be angry.
What if I want to be on my own...
...You've already made that clear, no?
I'm still not understanding.
If you are not to repeat the hurt that you felt in your past by re-enabling it in the present, it's only because you truly understand how it happened and therefore truly realize the Nature and power of hurt.
But, I do understand... and I feel like I've understood for a long time.
Do you feel like you've been able to move on in your own Life?
In part... but not really.
As much as I say I understand what happened, I still feel angry when I think about having to go back to where it happened or even to interact with them again.
Why would you have to go back?
I'm just supposed to never talk to them again?
If it frustrates you, why would you do it?
...Because I feel it as an obligation, that if I don't, I'm...
...I'm a bad person because I'm ungrateful for all they have done and it appears that way if I just vanish and cut them off...
Are you actually ungrateful?
Not at all. Their love and support have made my Life possible. I'm not ignorant or unable to accept that fact. I've actually felt so grateful that I've stuck around a little too long trying to repay it somehow...
And so you're still attempting to keep everyone else feeling ok by getting in contact with them, while you're really just wanting to do what?
Keep feeling into my own direction. Feeling free and uninhibited to find the joy that I've never truly felt... Stay True and devoted to my path.
And by reaching out, you're still apologizing to them for you leaving...
Yeah, I guess I am still feeling bad for only wanting my own direction.
You don't think it's possible.
It feels dramatic again... like cutting a cord, the connection of that line to them.
And what does that line exist for?
To check-in... make sure everyone's ok... see how everyone's doing...
...As someone who is still a part of that family...
I'm not anymore?
Not in the way that they what understand family is. They understand family as being actively involved in and loyal to its membership.
Like a club?
Not unlike a club... but with a stricter sense of boundaries and unspoken codes of conduct. If you do not want to do all the club asks or even implies of you, you're just not really an "active" member of that club... but in family, if you do not follow what is expected of you, you're expecting to be ex-communicated with your membership revoked entirely... And even though you've been on your own for a while now, you're still afraid of not being a part of it altogether.
Why don't I want to be a part of it?
You don't feel like you can be or do what it is expecting of you. You feel your freedom inhibited by guilt, blame, and the rewards points system you get for your "loyalty" to the club, which just means how much you participate in it and show up when the club has "functions." You're afraid that you won't be able to actually live the way you want, and that fear creates a choice that you've acted on in the past, even though you don't really want it. When you make a choice from Love, you do so from a place that is completely True in yourself, without a drop of additional flavoring.
How do you do that?
By fully realizing why you're choosing what you are. If you still feel like you're apologizing to them for the choice you made from the Love you have for yourself then it's because you're not totally on board with that choice. Most likely, you're still letting those voices affect your choices.
And I let go of those voices with forgiveness?
We should make clear that forgiveness is not a passive acceptance to an understanding that you cannot change something or someone else in your Life. There is no forced submission with forgiveness which is why you feel the word fills you with dread when someone says it. You have been taught that forgiveness is a blanket absolvement to put over any action, word, gesture or any bit of unconsciousness that actually hurts you. That kind of "forgiveness" is used to let people "off the hook" by continuing to dominate you with their unconscious actions, while you're over here actively trying to become conscious of your own actions because you're aware of just how powerful hurt really is.
Aren't you speaking of that kind of "off the hook?"
I said, "off your hook..." There's a big difference in there which suggests that forgiveness is a thing that God wants you to do, not something that you have any power over. That forgiveness implies forced acceptance of any mistreatment so you can receive the sacrificial title of "saintliness." You've felt forgiveness as something that you just have to do to be a "good" person otherwise this Father God will keep you out of his heaven and judge your grudges, but no matter how you hard you try, how would you ever really know how to forgive someone if it's not an action and not something that just comes naturally from you?
So, letting someone "off the hook" is about trying to do something I feel obligated or pressured to do, and letting someone "off my hook" is about what?
It's about letting go of everything that is not True to what you feel inside of you.
Isn't that a lot to expect of someone else?... "I'm sorry, there's no room in here for you because you're not True for me..." I guess that's why it feels dramatic or like I'm not able to "cut anyone off..." because isn't that standard in me creating an unrealistic expectation on Life itself?... Saying I don't want to be around you because you hurt me in the past and I feel uncomfortable with you in the present?
Is that what you're saying though?
What do you mean?
You're not saying that "I can't be around you because you hurt me..." You're saying that "I can't be around you because you don't hear, see, or feel me." If you are always having to adapt to an environment or a group, just to fit into how it expects you to be, then at some point it's going to feel like a real drag to keep up with changing who you are just to be accepted by them...
And that's what I feel when I have a desire to get in touch... It's like it takes me out of my experience and isn't a natural extension of it...
Then, it's not True for you. How you judge this feeling is ultimately inconsequential to the reality of its existence in you, but that judgment on your "not wanting to get in touch" feeling is what actually creates the action to get in touch... So, the original point was that you are making a choice not out of the Love you have for your Life with me, but out of the guilt you feel for truly wanting to be in that Life with me, 100%... all-in.
I feel guilty about it...and I make an action out of guilt.
Yes, you feel like you should keep "showing up" because your lack of presence insinuates ungratefulness on your part and you haven't wanted that judgment to fall on your shoulders...
I have to let it go though...
Choosing to be my Love is a choice that takes you in that corresponding direction. Continually trying to apologize for that choice keeps them "on your hook" and creates a drag or pull on my attempts to bring you what our Hearts truly desire.
So, forgiveness is just letting them be in their own lives?
Forgiveness is waving goodbye to those whose lives are out of alignment with your Heart's desire. Not everyone will be able to come with you and you do not have to apologize for following what you feel in your Heart as True.
How do I let them go though?
**It's not so much letting them go as it is completely stepping into your unknown. The complete embrace of your Life's True direction signals the counteraction or consequence of "letting them go," thereby letting them off your hook.
Can you explain to me why it's a hook?
It's your hook on them because your attempts at getting in touch aren't genuinely True from your Heart. You "feeling bad" is the quality of energy that you are reaching out from. You are not attempting to stay around because you truly want to, you are only doing it because you're afraid of what happens if you don't. That, my Love, is a choice you're making out of fear. Your choice out of Love is the Love you have for Life itself, and I can take you there if you trust in me that it will be safe for you to do so.
Then, it feels like forgiveness is actually about letting people, places, and situations off my hook so that I can allow you to take me somewhere True for me, where everything and everyone that surrounds me is in alignment or agreement with that Truth.
...And so you can allow those people, places, and situations you are letting off your hook to be surrounded by and existing in a Life that is True to their choices as well...
...Setting myself free is also setting them free to be who and where they are in the moment.
Yes, my Love.
Then let this serve as the conscious intention and action of my Heart's desire...I hereby let them all off my hook to move forward and step into Loving relationships that mirror what is True for me.
As you wish...