betrayal

Watched a video on the process of recovering from betrayal. Apparently I went through all the appropriate stages over the past few years and was surprised to find that I seem to be on the last one - the point at which you're ready to re-enter the world in a more authentic/healed way, although I would say I'm still excavating and working at that. I still lean back quite a lot and interacting can be clumsy. I've mostly been working through it on my own though so I guess it'll take time.

Looking back, a large portion of the pain and fear came from how I perceived the situations that unfolded. None of it feels as personal as it did then but the incidents seemed to have torn open some deeper wounds. Within a matter of weeks, each of the pillars of trust and safety in my life crumbled one by one, at least from my perspective at the time. I was convinced I needed to become entirely self-sufficient, which was extremely stressful to suddenly believe. A wellspring of buried pain opened up and I couldn't do anything consistently - so much of my energy went towards overthinking, processing emotions and resting. It was costly, not just financially but also in terms of my health and relationships. I'm still dealing with it but the intensity has diminished.

I'm thankful that I've been able to sustain myself this far, and that intuition led me to do and connect with what I needed. It's unbelievable to think of the resources and often far away people that aided me in various ways. Like how, right when I needed it, I found a safe and quiet place to fall apart in with an incredible landlord giving me small doses of love in the form of homemade pickles. And the online spaces I found relaxed company in. I was just barely being sustained by the smallest of genuine interactions but it was enough to get me through until I could strengthen myself again.