intuition

Intuition is a funny and marvelous thing. 3 days ago, I followed my train of thoughts and came to a perfectly logical decision that threw me into disarray the moment I put it into the world. It's so disorienting when this happens; suddenly this pit of negative thoughts and feelings consumes me and I essentially spiral out while working towards the root of it.

Often, as it did this time, the answers don't come from my attempts to solve the discrepency but instead arise spontaneously. As has happened in the past, I woke up from a dream in the dead of night with sudden understanding and clarity coming in about the situation. Things click into place and I can breathe again as my thoughts come back into alignment with my body, leaving me thinking "ohhh so that's what it was. Oops..."

I'm so grateful for this when it happens. Suddenly my heart lightens and I know what to do. My own mind truly seems to be the cause of all my difficulties and subsequent liberations...

The real trouble is that these situations inevitably involve other people, which can make me a disorienting and probably frustrating person to try to work with and understand (though other qualities usually seem to offset this, thankfully). The way I see it is that my conditioning runs so counter to my actual nature that my thoughts are often in conflict with what's right for me, so I'm quite prone to saying things and making decisions that can suddenly stir up disharmony within me. When it happens I get a visceral response in my body that compels me to set things right to restore equilibrium. I spent the majority of my life chronically dissociated and dysregulated though, it's really only somewhat recently that I've experienced inner alignment and have something to compare it with so I'm still learning to work with it.

I hope I can continue moving into deeper and more total harmony within myself and life. To the point that my thoughts, words, actions, roles and relationships all come into resonance with the feelings, values, intuition and whatever else might be going on in this mysterious little bod.