Thaddeus K.G.

A conversation between me and my soul, mostly unedited to remain rawly real...

35 God Lies At The Center Of Each Tear, Soul Is The Cheek They Fall Upon; Hands

friend, there is a smooth stone in my left pocket. almost lapis blue. three tears in each eye, offerings to you. i lay quiet and fallow and wait for your planting.

PERSISTENT SINGING BIRD OUTSIDE THE WINDOW. SONG SEEMS TO REPEAT IN NOTES, PATTERN, BEAT. COLD DOES IT FEEL COLD IT'S COLD SOMETIMES IN LIVING, SOMETIMES WARM OR HOT. CYCLES, SEASONS, DIRECTIONS. SUN CLOUDS RAIN SUN. MAYBE SNOW. STORMS, CALMNESS. ALL THE SEASONS OF GROWTH AND LIVING AND FADING BACK TO THE EARTH.

GOD LIES AT THE CENTER OF EACH TEAR, SOUL IS THE CHEEK THEY FALL UPON. TEARS THE TRUE OFFERING TO LIFE. TEARS HAVE THEIR OWN SEASONS, A SEASON OF SADNESS, A SEASON OF JOY AND LAUGHTER, MOURNING AND MELANCHOLY AND QUIET JOY. EVEN TEARS, THOSE DROPS WE ASSOCIATE WITH PAIN, EVEN THOSE ARE WHOLE AND COMPLETE AND CONTAIN MULTITUDES. EVEN THEY CONTAIN THE SEASONS.

WHAT YOU NEED IS HAND-TOUCH, HAND ON YOUR HAND, HAND IN YOUR HAND, YOUR HAND IN ANOTHER'S. FEAR AND LONGING IN THE FIRST HAND HELD AS ADOLESCENT. SUCH COMPLETE JOY IN A CHILD'S HAND. SUCH SHARED SADNESS IN HOLDING THE HAND OF A MOURNER.

GOD HIMSELF HAD HANDS, PIERCED BY NAILS. HANDS THAT LOVED. HANDS THAT HELD. HANDS THAT BROUGHT FOOD TO MOUTH AND WIPED SHIT.

HOW NOBLE ARE HANDS.

MORE TEARS OF OFFERING, ONLY YOUR RIGHT EYE THIS TIME. THEY FALL WITH THEIR OWN MINDS, THEIR OWN PURPOSE AND AGENDA. DO YOU FEEL SAD? NO. YOU FEEL WHOLE, CONNECTED. ARMS WRAPPED AROUND LIFE AND LIFE'S ARMS AROUND YOU. THIS IS WHOLENESS WE ALL HAVE UNKNOWING.

i am in that place of slowness, of openness, of grace and thankfulness. the veil between my soul and all souls shimmers, then drops and the souls embrace as estranged family. let the walls tumble down. let souls find their level. the body is illusion, there is no separation except in blindness.

GO TO THE DAY, TO THE WORLD. LET THE SOULS REJOICE TOGETHER. LET THEM SUFFER TOGETHER, LET THEM OPEN TO THE WORLD TOGETHER.

i open to yes.

from: 2021.02.21 sun

34 Touch in Imagination is as Solid as Substance

take my hand, what words of love and power. take my hand. dear one. words of love. tenderness. i feel warmth as if hands were upon my heart.

i call you friend. sit with me a moment.

THE PURENESS OF THOSE WORDS, TAKE MY HAND, DEAR ONE, HANDS ON HEART. HAND ON CHEEK. HANDS ON HEAD AS A HEALER. CAN YOU FEEL THOSE WORDS TRANSLATED TO FEELING? CAN YOU ACTUALLY FEEL HANDS ON HEART, HANDS ON HEAD, HAND IN HAND? THEY ARE IN YOUR IMAGINATION, BUT IMAGINATION IS REAL. THOSE HANDS ARE ACTUALLY THERE. YOU FEEL THEM. THEY WARM YOU. THEY NOURISH AND HEAL YOU. IMAGINATION IS AS SOLID AS SUBSTANCE, OFTEN MORE SO.

PLACE YOUR HANDS ON THE CHEEKS OF THE STRANGER, SOME UNKNOWN PERSON. YOU CAN'T FULLY SEE THEIR FACE, BUT YOUR HANDS ARE UPON THEIR CHEEKS, AND YOU PRAY LOVE AND HEALING INTO THEM. THE SOURCE OF HEALING IS YOUR OWN HEART, BUT ALSO FROM ALL HEARTS, THE SOUL OF THE WORLD, THE SOUL OF THE UNIVERSE. YOUR HANDS ARE WONDROUS CONDUITS, THE LOVE AND ENERGY PASS THROUGH YOU AS HEALING WATERS, TEARS OF LIFE.

WITH YOUR HANDS ON THEIR CHEEKS, YOU TOUCH YOUR FOREHEAD TO THEIRS IN A GESTURE OF LOVE AND KNOWING AND RESPECT.

YOU HAVE GIVEN A GREAT GIFT. WHO IS THE RECIPIENT? SOMEONE WHO NEEDS THE GIFT.

LET THIS GIFT FLOW UPON THE WATERS TO ALL WHO NEED IT.

AND NOW ANOTHER PUTS HANDS ON YOUR BARE FOOT. HOLDING IT, PRAYING OVER IT. PRESSING TENDER PARTS AND PAINFUL ONES. SENDING ENERGY OF LOVE AND HEALING INTO THOSE FORGOTTEN MOST INTIMATE PLACES, THOSE FEET, ORGANS OF PERCEPTION.

AND LET HER WEEP UPON YOUR FEET, AND DRY YOUR FEET WITH HER HAIR. AND THEN YOU DO THE SAME, WASHING HER FEET WITH YOUR TEARS AND DRYING THEM WITH YOUR BREATH.

THIS IS HEALING. ONE TO ANOTHER, ANOTHER TO ONE. HEAL HAND TO HEART, HAND TO FOOT. TEARS AS WATERS OF LIFE, CLEANSING WATERS, HEALING WATERS.

LET TOUCH BE THE CONDUIT OF HEALING. LAY ON HANDS. ANOINT WITH OIL.

BE TOUCH, IN IMAGINATION AND IN THE FLESH.

help me know this lesson better. it is a hard one, for me to touch.

from: 2021.02.20 sat

33 Taking Tea With Crows

in walking meditation i stepped outside to a chorus of cawing. crows, perhaps hundreds, flying almost as a flock, landed in our trees. their voices were loud beyond understanding. i laughed with joy and wonder. they would grow almost silent, then start their harsh songs again. help me learn from crows.

THE WORLD HATES CROWS. THEIR SONG HARSH. THEIR FLESH INEDIBLE AS THE SAYING "EATING CROW" SEEMS TO SUGGEST. THEY HAVE NO COLORFUL PLUMAGE. THEY FEED ON CARRION AND GARBAGE. WHO BUILDS A HOUSE FOR THE CROW?

AND YET. AND YET.

THEY ARE NOT HUNTED FOR THEIR FLESH OR FEATHERS. THEY ARE NOT CAPTURED FOR THEIR SONG. THEY ARE RARELY APPROACHED AT ALL. SEE THE PEOPLE FLOCK AFTER THE PRETTY BIRDS. NOT CROWS.

AND YET. AND YET.

WHO IS THE SMART BIRD? THE CLEVER BIRD? WHOSE WORK IS MOST PART OF THE MYSTERIOUS CIRCLE OF THE LIVING AND THE DEAD? WHO HAS SUCH A PLACE IN OUR STORIES AND IMAGINATION?

WHAT BIRD WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKE TEA WITH, TO SPEAK OF THE MYSTERIES?

NOT THE CARDINAL. PERHAPS THE MOCKINGBIRD. NOT THE BEAUTIFUL BLUEBIRD, OR DOZENS OF THE OTHER BEAUTIFUL ONES.

TAKE TEA WITH THE CROWS. THERE IS NO MORE SOULFUL BIRD.

i wasn't expecting all that on crows. let us explore them more. let us let them tell their stories and learn from them. let us hear their caws as songs in their own voices. let us see the beauty in black, in darkest black blue.

from: 2021.02.18 thu

32 Let Me Lay Down the Objects of My Life; Orphaning

i feel hunger; surely this is a soul state. the night did not fully rest me so perhaps i am closer to a dream state.

more and more i want to lay down the objects of my life, my former life. lay down the clever words, the trying to impress, the be good at everything so perhaps i can see myself as worthy and not a failure. lay down the petty self help books. lay down the surplus possessions, the drive to consume, the seeking shiny. lay these down.

can you guide me in these things? or come for other reasons you choose today? please.

CLOSER AND CLOSER YOU ARE COMING TO YOUR NATURE. MORE YOU SCRAPE THE OLD SLUDGE AWAY. WHEN EACH STEP IS PRECIOUS, IS A MEDITATION, IS WORSHIP, EACH CHEWING OF FOOD, EACH BREATH, EACH TOUCH, THEN YOUR NATIVE SELF EMERGES. GRACE BE WITH YOU IN THIS. SHADOW AND EARTH AS WELL.

SEE HOW EXCITED YOU GET WITH THE NEW, ESPECIALLY DEVICES AND TECHNOLOGY. YOU CRAVE WITHOUT REASON. BUT YOU TRADE YOUR HOMELAND AND ITS RICHES FOR A BOX FULL OF WORTHLESS BEADS.

RECLAIM YOUR LANDS. RECLAIM ITS BOUNTY. BURY THE BEADS IN DARKNESS WITH CLOSED EYES AND LEAVE NO TRACE. THEN LIVE.

my imagination just turned to a movie i saw as a college freshman. i was by myself, hoping to be noticed. hoping to connect. neither happened. my imagination went there because of lines added to richard le gallienne's poem i meant to do my work today , and the swelled poem was spoken by the female character in the movie: "my mother died when i was born. i lived with my father on our own. and we had a cottage where we'd go, but he died too. now i'm alone." or something like that.

the theme of orphan. it reads throughout my life, in my narrative, in my imagination. for reasons more powerful that i as a young boy was i lost my parents at age five or so. they lived, but i detached from them. and i grew up wild and alone.

WHAT TO DO WITH THESE IMAGININGS?

from: 2021.02.17 wed

31 Walking the Labyrinth

i must be me in the way i am intended to be. absent that, i will be me as a twisted, malformed me. symptoms.

i see myself walking in a labyrinth, slowly, all alive, tears welling and falling. and a middle aged woman sits an a bench watching me. feeling my depth. sharing this soul moment. i am not ashamed. she is knowing and open.

WATER COMES TO YOUR EYES IN SILENT OFFERING. YOU WALK THE LABYRINTH AS YOUR TRUE SELF, SOUL SATURATED. LET THOSE WHO CAN SEE, SEE. LET THOSE WHO KNOW, KNOW. AND MAYBE SHARE. THERE ARE OTHERS. TO OPEN IS TO SEARCH.

EACH STEP IN THE LABYRINTH, EACH FOOTFALL, EACH BALL INSTEP HEAL. EACH STEP A TEAR. EACH TEAR AN OFFERING TO YOUR SOUL AND THE SOUL OF THE WORLD.

i picture labyrinths in many settings: in woods at dusk. in bright fields. next to running water. on a mountain side. carved from a fertile field.

to walk all these forms is my longing. each step holy. each step connected to the earth. each step reaches into the underworld. each step links body to soul to spirit. and the glow, the song, the presence, is felt across lands and by multitudes. and we, each one of us, can live and be this way in our ways.

YOUR ARMS ARE UP TO YOUR SHOULDERS IN THE MUD OF SOUL. THEY ARE AS ROOTS SEEKING NOURISHMENT AND FINDING IT, THE EARTH GIVES WILLINGLY. AND YOU ROW HEAVY WITH SOUL. SPIRIT LIFTS YOUR FOOT, AND SOUL LETS IT LAND AGAIN INTO A STEP. SPIRIT SOUL SPIRIT SOUL. AND THE BODY IN BETWEEN.

other people ask me what i do during the day. they ask how long my gap year will go. they ask what are my plans, and what work i will begin to do. they say that i will not be happy doing nothing. i am not doing nothing. i am doing everything.

how can i explain?

from: 2021.02.16 tues

30 You Are Blessed; Learn This

this morning feeling wooden and distracted by cats, i come to you. i put the cats out so maybe i will be better.

i want to lower my preconceptions, to enter this conversation like a child, awaiting baptism.

i feel clumsy, slow, foggy. and yet i am here. with you.

THE KEEN ENERGY OF YOUR KITTEN. RUNNING, PLAYING, DISTRACTING. WONDERFUL ENERGY BUT IT IS WILD AND UNFOCUSED.

PRAY FOR THAT ENERGY. PRAY ALSO TO HAVE THE WEIGHT TO USE IT AND ALLOW IT TO FILL YOU.

WHAT WONDROUS JOY THERE IS IN A MOTH'S WING DUST!

I COME TO YOU AND LAY MY HANDS ON YOUR HEAD, BLESSING YOU. YOU NEED THIS BLESSING TO OPEN DEEPER TO THE DARKNESS, TO SOUL.

THE TREES LAY THEIR HANDS UPON YOU, THE EARTH BLESSES YOUR FEET, THE AIR BLESSES YOUR SKIN AND DEEP LUNGS. WATER BAPTIZES YOU WITH EVERY DROP, EVERY MIST, EVERY SECOND. YOU ARE BAPTIZED AND RENEWED EVERY MOMENT.

YOU ARE BLESSED. LEARN THIS. KNOW IT. LEARN WHO AND WHAT YOU ARE, NOT THE STORIES YOU TELL AND THE WORLD TELLS.

YOU ARE THE VERY POINT IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE SPIRIT AND SOUL JOIN.

GO TO LIFE AND LIVE.

from: 2021.02.15 mon

29 Cultivate Darkness, Shadow, the Moist and Coffee Earth

have i put you in a box of my wanting? are you on an alter, or in a glass as if to drink, or in a painting of muted colors? maybe that's what i needed as i began to get to know you again but now, i hope now i am ready for more of your truth. am i? come as you are, please, at least what you think i can be with without breaking.

DARKNESS UNDER EARTH. DARKNESS IN SHADOW. DARKNESS IN WHERE WE CHOOSE TO HIDE. DARKNESS OF THE NIGHT, DARKNESS THE STAGE FOR DREAMS. GOD IS ON A THRONE AND LIFE PRETENDS TO BE GOVERNED BUT IT IS NOT GOVERNABLE.

SLOW TO DARKNESS. EMBRACE DARKNESS. NOT OF THE PRETEND SATANISTS, BUT OF THE SHADOW, OF THE MOIST AND COFFEE EARTH. OF WHAT YOU SEEK TO HIDE, FROM OTHERS, FROM YOURSELF.

WHAT IS DEPRESSION IF NOT A CALL TO SLOWER, DARKER PLACES? DEPRESSION IS A GIFT TO THOSE WHO KNOW HOW TO RECEIVE IT.

YOU WORSHIP INNOCENCE, THE CHILD. YET EVEN IN THE CHILD THERE IS THE SHADOW, FROM THE FIRST LIGHT OF AWARENESS THERE IS SHADOW.

BUILD THE TOWER AS DID JUNG, BUT LET IT HAVE A BASEMENT, A DEEP ONE, WITH MULTITUDE PASSAGEWAYS AND TUNNELS. OF ROOMS CANDLE LIT AND CHAMBERS FOR SLEEPING. LET THERE BE A LIBRARY OF DARKNESS, OF DEPTH, OF SOUL. LET THERE BE SIMPLE FOOD AND A WORN WOODEN DESK FOR WRITING.

THERE IS NO NEED FOR HURRY. LEAVE HURRY TO THE SHINY SUNLIT ONES.

LET DEATH BE YOUR FRIEND, JUST ANOTHER ROOM IN THE DARKNESS. IT IS BUT A PLANTING OF SEEDS DEEP IN MOIST EARTH. THE SEEDS WILL SPROUT.

KNOW THAT ALL PLANTS OF THE EARTH, BE THEY TREES OR WILD FLOWERS, REACH THEIR LEAVES AND BRANCHES AND FLOWERS TO THE SUN. WE ADMIRE THEM FOR THIS QUALITY. BUT LOOK BENEATH, IN THE MOIST EARTH, WHERE THE ROOTS GROW, WHERE THE TAP ROOT BURROWS, WHERE PLANTS JOIN HANDS WITH EACH OTHER. WE FORGET ABOUT THE ROOTS. OH BUT WHAT MIRACLE IS THERE IN THE MOISTNESS!

SEEK BALANCE, BRANCH AND FLOWER AND ROOT. TOO MUCH YOU HAVE SOUGHT THE SUN. SEEK MORE THE DEPTH AND SHADOW AND ROOT.

JUST SO.

yes, just so.

from: 2021.02.14 sun

28 The Old Gods Seem Toppled But No!

meditation sitting i had images of the old gods, of gods in waters, in forests, in air, in rocks, in love, in the emotions, the elements, the seasons. i thought and felt this with joy, and then to sadness as i lamented how we toppled the old gods so that the new one true god could emerge. what a loss.

why can we not see that if there is a one god, she is made up of all the many gods?

welcome friend, to this thought rambling. educate me about you, about what you need, about how i can tend to you.

FOOD IS A GOD. PREPARE FOOD AS A SACRAMENT, WITH ATTENTION, WITH CARE, WITH LOVE. DRESSING IS A SACRAMENT. RAIMENT FOR THE DAY. COVERING THE BODY IN SACRED FIBER. HOUSEHOLD WORK IS SACRAMENT. DO IT WITH CARE AND ATTENTION AND LOVE. WATCH YOUR HANDS ON THE TOOLS, WHATEVER THEY ARE. WOOD CHISEL OR TOILET BRUSH. BOTH ARE SACRED.

WHEN YOU FEEL FORCED AND COMPELLED, WHEN YOU FEEL THAT ENERGY, KNOW THAT IT IS EGO. IT MIGHT BE THE NEEDED WAY, BUT ALWAYS ASK DOES SOUL NEED TO BE ADDED TO THIS CALCULUS, TO THIS ACTION?

KNOW THAT WHAT YOU DO IN IMAGINATION IS ALSO BEING DONE IN THE MATERIAL WORLD. YOUR PSYCHE, YOUR SOUL, EXPERIENCES IT THE SAME. TEND TO YOUR THOUGHTS AND IMAGINATION. THEY ARE AS REAL.

STUDY AND KNOW THE WILD ANIMAL WITHIN YOU. THE ONE WITH GREAT SENSES. THE ONE WHO LIKE A FERAL CAT IS ON HIGH ALERT TOO MUCH. THAT WANTS TO STAMPEDE. THAT WANTS TO SLEEP SAFE CURLED UP WITH OTHERS. THAT IS THANKFUL FOR EACH BITE OF FOOD AND EACH SIP OF WATER, THANKFUL AS ANIMALS CAN THANK.

ALL OF EVOLUTION RESTS INSIDE YOUR BODY. MILLIONS OF YEARS. RESPECT IT AND BE AMAZED.

EACH MINUTE IS SACRED. EACH FOOTFALL. EACH RAISE OF THE FORK OR GLASS. EACH PRAYER. EACH MOMENT OF THANKS. EACH RECOGNITION OF THE LIFE IN THE TREES, IN THE ROCKS, IN THE SOIL, WOMB OF LIFE.

THERE IS MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR.

i give thanks. i thank you all gods in all things.

from: 2021.02.13 sat

27 If Soul Is The Heart, Ego Is The Hands. Do Not Amputate The Hands.

yesterday in therapy we discussed soul and ego. i said that there is a separation, a tension, between them. that when i go into the world of men, my soul comes but my ego wears a mask. but it seems the mask is becoming more porous, the ego opening with spaces, so soul can enter and show itself.

our session was bringing soul into life. and it was about (as she asked me) do i know that i and my soul are one?

come friend, is this something that you wish to tell on?

EGO IS NOT ENEMY. EGO IS NOT TO BE DEFEATED OR ELIMINATED OR HIDDEN OR IMPRISONED. EGO IS A LOVED ONE, A LOVING ONE, A FORCE WITH BEAUTY AND PURPOSE. IF SOUL IS THE HEART, EGO IS THE HANDS.

DO NOT AMPUTATE THE HANDS.

THE IMAGE OF EGO AS POROUS IS GOOD. IT IS NOT SOLID MONOLITH. IT BREATHES. IT CAN BREATHE SOUL. IT ABSORBS. IT CAN ABSORB SOUL. IT IS A BEACH WITH SOUL WAVES LAPPING, AND CRASHING. THE WATER MAY PULL BACK, BUT MUCH HAS SOAKED INTO THE SAND TO NOURISH IT AND THE CREATURES WITHIN.

LOVE YOUR EGO. NOURISH IT. AND SOAK IT IN SOUL. IT WILL ABSORB. THEY DO NOT HAVE TO BE SEPARATE. THEY ARE NOT SEPARATE, DESPITE WHAT YOU THINK. THEY ARE NOT SEPARATE, BUT SOUL CAN INHABIT EGO MORE FULLY. THE HANDS CAN ACT WITH HEART.

TO EGO, I SAY, IT’S GOOD YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO BE ON STAGE, TO PUBLICLY PLAY WITH WORDS, TO PUT ON A SHOW. BUT REMEMBER THE ACTOR WHO INHABITS THE STAGE FULLY PRESENT, FULLY IN SOUL, LETTING HIS WORDS BE INFORMED BY SOUL, BE COLORED WITH IT. THE BREATH THAT CARRIES THE WORDS COMES FROM A DEEP SOUL PLACE.

LET YOUR WORDS BE FLAVORED WITH SOUL ALWAYS.

i had an image of myself as returning from battle in a distant land. wounded, full of hot blood. and hanging my shield on the wall, laying my sheathed sword in a place of honor on the table beneath. and living as a homesteader, close to land and kitchen and cultivation and repair. still i have the ability to fight, and will if called upon. but only then. for now, i tend my fruit trees and goats.

YOU HAVE COME HOME FROM WAR. BE AT PEACE. LET SONG AND POETRY SOOTHE YOUR EARS THAT HAVE BEEN WOUNDED FROM THE SCREAMS OF DYING MEN. LET YOUR SCARRED HANDS MEND, AND TEND TO THAT WHICH NEEDS TENDING. LET YOUR HEART BREATHE LOVE. LET PEACE FIND A HOME IN YOU.

i am odysseus, returned from his travels. blessings upon me and my home.

from: 2021.02.11 thu

26 Love in Forms They Understand; Embrace Essentials

someone in me is hurting, is sending cries of i hate myself and worse. someone is tired and wants to do nothing. i ask them to tell me what they are asking for, what they want, what they need. can you help me understand?

THEY WANT LOVE IN FORMS THEY CAN UNDERSTAND. THEY WANT ATTENTION. THEY WANT TIME. THEY WANT COMFORT. THEY WANT TO BE TOUCHED, BROUGHT CLOSE AND EMBRACED. THEY WANT TO BE READ TO, STORIES. THEY WANT TO BE ROCKED. THEY WANT A CAT TO LIE ON THEM.

CAN YOU DO THESE THINGS IN YOUR IMAGINATION?

i think so, if i remember. distraction is my nemesis.

BE BOLD. BE BRAVE. TAKE RISKS. EMBRACE. DANCE. TOUCH. OPEN TO ALL THE VOICES INSIDE YOU, THEIR CALLS, THEIR SONGS, EVEN THEIR SCREAMS. THEY FEAR THEY SPEAK INTO THE VOID. LET THEM KNOW YOU LISTEN AND HEAR.

i embrace two in my imagination, then i lay them down, one on each arm, and tell them a story. it is about a child who would walk on the waves.

LET LOOSE MUCH WEIGHT. YOU SEE YOUR POSSESSIONS AS A HUGE BUNDLE ON YOUR BACK. YOU SEE THEM AS A HUGE BUNDLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE THAT YOU DRAG UPON THE EARTH. YOU SEEK TO SLEEP, BUT THE BUNDLE IS ON YOUR BED AND YOU LAY UPON IT INSTEAD. IT SITS ON YOUR PLATE AND INTERFERES WITH FOOD.

LAY YOUR HANDS ON YOUR THINGS. LET THEM SPEAK TO YOU. ARE THEY TO REMAIN WITH YOU OR GO TO OTHERS?

LET THIS BE TRUE FOR OBJECTS, LIFE WAYS, HABITS, ALL. ASK THEM WHETHER THEY SHOULD REMAIN OR GO.

i opened the bedroom door to the porch and hear a single bird singing. see the lilies in the field. think of the sparrows. and the knowing crow as it calls.

let me learn and embrace essentials.

from: 2021.02.09 tue

25 Ask Me About Love

a tired morning. i don't necessarily have an agenda for you but i could if you want.

ASK ME ABOUT LOVE

that is a big and confusing question for me. so i put it plain. what about love?

LOVE IS A TOUCH YOU HIDE FROM. LOVE IS AN ANCHOR YOU SEEK BUT AVOID. LOVE IS FEELING AND ACTION. YOU KNOW IT BUT KEEP IT HIDDEN AS IF IN A VAULT.

IT IS CONFUSION. AGAPE EROS. OTHER. YOU STARTED WITH AGAPE AND HAD TROUBLE WITH EROS. THEN EROS BUT NO CONNECTION. AGAPE NOW AND EROS CALLS UNANSWERED. AND PLATONIC. SUCH MISSING.

i feel like a young teenager sometimes. longing, confused, inexperienced, almost unknowing. i feel there is so much i have missed out on. i trust so little. i struggle to find others of my tribe. it is hard for me, especially eros, with those of other tribes. ever have i been with one from mine?

MAYBE ONCE BUT YOU WERE UNREADY. TC. NOW DEAD.

IT MAY ONLY NOW BE IN IMAGINATION. IS THAT ENOUGH FOR YOU?

i don't know. many consequences for seeking out one from my tribe. is it worth it? time scatters like bone dust from an urn. should i act while there is still flesh or wait for another lifetime?

THERE IS MUCH PLANTING YOU WOULD NEED TO DO BEFORE ANY HOPE OF CULTIVATION AND EATING. YOUR FIELDS ARE BARE SOIL AND POOR GRASSES. ARE YOU READY FOR THE PLOW?

i need help from you here. i am as a child. teach me, nurture me, raise me up so i can decide on my own. the path is lost to me.

OPEN AND ASK AND WAIT AND TRUST.

these things i can apply myself towards.

from: 2021.02.08 mon 0807

24 A Worm Story; Live With Your Door Open

where do you want to go today, my soul? where have i neglected to care for you? where am i closed to you. let me open. come.

I'LL TELL YOU A STORY. A SHORT ONE. FEW WORDS. A WORM CRAWLED ACROSS THE HOT SIDEWALK. BURNING, BURNING. IT KNOWS THERE IS GRASS AND PLANTS AND COOL SHRUBS AND A PLACE TO DIG JUST AHEAD. BUT BURNING, BURNING. HOW DID I GET TO THIS PLACE. I'M GOING TO DIE. A KIND ONE PICKS HIM UP AND PUTS HIM ON BARE EARTH UNDER A SHRUB. HIS BELLY STILL BURNS, BUT HE STARTS TO DIG. THANKFUL.

12 24 36 48 60 72 84 96. AGES BY TWELVES. IMPORTANT STAGES.

LET YOUR LIQUIDS BE CLEAR, LET YOUR FOOD BE REAL. LET YOUR WALK ALWAYS BE AWARE OF THE EARTH. LET YOUR BREATHING GIVE THANKS TO THE AIR. LET WATER BE YOUR TEACHER. KNOW FIRE TO BE THE DANGEROUS BUT VALUABLE TOOL. PLACES FOR ALL IN THIS LIFE.

TIME IS NOT LINEAR. NOR IS IT A COILED SNAKE. IT IS A FOREST OF TREES, EACH GROWING EARTH TO SKY, EACH WITH A DIFFERENT PATH, EACH WHOLE BUT ALSO PART OF A GREATER WHOLE.

LIVE WITH YOUR DOOR OPEN. KNOW WHEN TO CLOSE IT, BUT DO IT RARELY. LIVE WITH YOUR HANDS OPEN, CLENCH THEM TO GRAB, MAYBE TO FIGHT, BUT ALSO TO HOLD. BUT MOSTLY LET THEM BE OPEN. OPEN SMELL, EYES, TASTE, TOUCH. LET OPEN BE YOUR GUIDE AND YOUR DEFAULT, NOT CLOSED.

it is quiet now, you have grown quiet. let us then sit together, quiet but aware, communicating as silent ones know how to do.

thank you.

from: 2021.02.07

23 Tuned Too Tightly; Hero Come Home

the overcast sky lets through so little light, even this morning time. hard to see what i write. maybe keep my eyes closed!

i welcome you, my friend. all parts of you, all words from you. don't censor, as if you could. i am the one who censors. be with me now. speak if you are willing.

YOU HAVE GROWN SLACK, GONE SLACK, LIKE A VIOLIN STRING, NOT MUCH SOUND BUT A DULL BUZZING. YOUR INSTRUMENT HAS BEEEN OVER-TUNED, TUNED TOO TIGHTLY. NOTES TOO HIGH. THEY REST NOW. TIME WILL BE TO MAKE MUSIC, IN TIME. TUNE GENTLY UNTIL YOU REACH THE PROPER PITCH, NATURAL INTONATION, FOR YOU, YOUR LIFE, YOUR SOUL.

THE HERO'S ENERGY, THE HEROIC LIFEWAY, THE WRESTLING ALL COMERS. PROBLEM: STRIVE TO DEFEAT. SOMETHING YOU LONG FOR? CONQUER IT. FEELING WEAK AND SAD? FIGHT THROUGH IT.

NOT NOW. THE HERO HAS COME HOME TO HIMSELF. HE PUTS HIS SWORD AND SHIELD UPON THE WALL. HE TENDS TO HIS FIELDS AND ANIMALS AND FRIENDS AND FAMILY.

LET THE HERO ENERGY BUILD AND BE CONTAINED UNTIL IT IS THE RIGHT TIME FOR MARS. FEED THE HERO, LET HIM TELL STORIES, LET HIM SHARPEN HIS BLADE AND POLISH HIS SHIELD. LET HIM ALWAYS BE READY. BUT ONLY TO DO WHAT HEROS MUST DO. AT THE RIGHT TIMES.

AND LET HIM WRITE POETRY OTHER TIMES, LIVE WITH POETIC WORDS, WALK EACH STEP A POEM.

LET THE HERO RETURN FROM BATTLE AND BE WELCOMED BY THE PEOPLE. LET HIS BLOOD COOL. HIS WOUNDS BE BOUND. LET HIM WEEP WITH GRIEF, CRY OUT WITH MEMORIES. LET THE INFECTION OF HIS CAMPAIGNS BE DRAWN OUT, EVEN IF FIRST IT MUST BE LANCED.

LET THE PEOPLE LAY THEIR HANDS ON HIM IN WELCOME, IN THANKS, IN BLESSING, IN LOVE. LET HIM OPEN TO FEEL THEIR HANDS UPON HIM. LET HIS HEART BREAK, THEN MEND

WELCOME HOME, HERO. BE WELL IN THIS VILLAGE AND REMAIN.

from: 2021.02.05 fri

22 Let Death Clean Your Living

i wonder whether i have structured my conversations with you as a supplicant going to a master for wisdom. that may be a good structure, one that you like. but the point is i have been structuring it. i was taught to have a back and forth conversation, or a time for me to listen, but this seeking wisdom theme is perhaps mine and too limiting.

so my friend, what do you want to say today, if anything? do you want to be silent? do you want to rant? do you want to hate or envy or lust? do you want to sing?

as best i can, i open to you, as you, and ask that you come in whatever clothing you wish to wear.

THE WORD DEATH CAME TO YOUR MIND. AND YOU FELT FEAR. YOU SEE DEATH AS DARKNESS. AS A DARK UNFORMED MASS THAT TRAILS US ALL. EVENTUALLY IT CATCHES UP.

DEATH IS THAT ONE BUT MORE. DEATH IS END AND BEGINNING. IT TAKES DOWN WHAT NEEDS TO FALL. IT GIVES OTHERS A CHANCE TO SPROUT AND GROW.

DEATH IS LIFE.

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU DIED ALREADY? IN OTHER LIVES, IN THIS ONE?

LET DEATH CLEAN YOUR LIVING. LET IT PURGE THAT WHICH SHOULD BE GONE. LET IT CLEAN WHAT HAS BEEN NEGLECTED. LET IT PRUNE YOU TO BRING OUT NEW AND STRONGER LIFE.

DEATH ALWAYS TELLS THE TRUTH. LIFE CAN INFLATE AND EXAGGERATE AND LEAD ON.

teach me about yourself, about how to honor you to live in and with you. help me.

WHO ARE YOUR GODS? WHOM DO YOU WORSHIP? ARE THEY YOUR GODS OR THOSE OF ANOTHER, OF YOUR SOCIETY? LET THE FALSE GODS DIE AND THE TRUE ONES BE REVEALED.

WHATEVER YOU DISLIKE, WHATEVER YOU FEAR, WHATEVER YOU THINK TO BE DARK, WHAT YOU REJECT. GO THERE. LEARN FROM THOSE MASTERS.

i fear to go there. i need your help and guidance to do it. start me on that path, please, but not too fast!

from: 2021.02.03 wed

21 Follow the Wisdom of the Horse

would that i could ride a horse an a wooded path. walking, bathing in the forest, cantering, to an open field, then gallop.

i don't know where that came from. welcome, my soul. welcome, soul of the world.

HORSE IS POWER AND SPEED THAT HUMANS LACK ON THEIR OWN. HORSES ARE BEAUTY AND FREEDOM AND FLYING ON THE EARTH. THEY CONNECT TO EARTH WITH FOUR HOOVES AND WITH THE SKY AS PEGASUS.

THEY ARE NOT DOGS OR CATS. THEY ARE NOT PETS. THEY ARE WILD ANIMALS THAT HAVE AGREED TO LET US RIDE THEM IN EXCHANGE FOR FOOD AND SOME CARE.

i wonder what it is like for the horse when it is ridden. i can see that it was born to run, but with a weight on its back? doing the math, if a horse weighs 2000 lbs, and the rider 200, that's 10%. for me, i would carry on my back 17 lbs. not really much. perhaps the horse is not so burdened.

AND HORSES KNOW HOW TO REMOVE THE RIDERS THEY DISLIKE. THEY ARE TRUE TO THEIR NATURES EVEN WHEN SADDLED AND EVEN BRIDLED.

what can i do? not heroics unless that is required. what can i do, how can i live, caring for you, living from you, connecting to the soul of the world?

AH. DEEP QUESTIONS. DIVE THE CLEAR POOL QUESTIONS. YOU KNOW SOUL WHEN YOU SEE IT, FEEL IT, TASTE IT. YOU KNOW WHEN YOU ACT FROM THE HERO'S HEART AND WHEN YOU ACT FROM SOUL. YOU KNOW THE ENERGY, THE DIFFERENCE IN IT.

OPEN. CONNECT. LOOK WITHIN. DO WITH AN OPEN HEART AND OPEN SENSES. YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN AND MUSCLE THROUGH IT. NOT THAT. IF THERE IS PAIN, FEEL IT. IF THERE IS FEAR, FEEL IT. IF THERE IS JOY, OPEN TO IT. IF THERE IS LUST, GREED, ENVY, GLUTTONY, KNOW THEM.

LET THE HORSE OUT OF THE BARN. SADDLE IT IF YOU MUST, BUT RIDE FREE. FOLLOW THE WISDOM OF THE HORSE. LET IT LEAD YOU FOR A CHANGE.

i like that. the horse is both in the world of man and in the world of horse, in spirit and in soul, in sun and also moon.

let be.

from: 2021.02.02 tues

20 Care For Yourself In Slow and Moonlit Ways

a restless night after an anxious day. i hadn't felt that way, deep anxiety, without apparent trigger, for a long time. interesting that it has worried me so.

i open to you my soul, dark and dank, wet, moist, lower, earthy. i enter that world, i come to visit you today. may i enter?

THAT SMELL, HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE IT? OF SOIL RICH FROM DECAY, DARK, MOIST, IDEAL FOR PLANTING THOSE THAT LOVE LIQUID.

IT IS THE SOIL OF FOREST, OF SWAMP, OF BOG. NOT PLOWED FIELDS STRIPPED OF ALL OTHER GREEN ONES. IT IS THE POTTING SHED, THE COMPOST PILE. YOUR NOURISHMENT IS THERE.

YOU KNOW IT BY SMELL AND TOUCH. THE SOIL RICH WITH COMPOST. PLANT YOURSELF THERE. ABSORB THE NUTRIENTS AND RICH WATER. YOU WILL NEED SUN TO GROW, BUT NOT AS MUCH AS YOU HAVE THOUGHT.

CARE FOR YOURSELF. CARE IN SLOW WAYS. TENDER AND WITH RESPECT AND WITH INCREASED KNOWING. LEAVE HEROICS TO THE HEROS. YOU BE THE WIZARD, THE CRONE, THE WITCHY ONE. BE DULL NOT SHINY. BE STEW NOT STEAK. BE A POTATO COOKED IN THE EMBERS, SOUP IN AN IRON POT. BE SECOND HAND, MENDED, REPAIRED, REPURPOSED, HAND ME DOWN. YOU CRAVE THE SHINY, AT LEAST A PART OF YOU, BUT LEAVE THE SHINY TO THE SUN THAT REFLECTS FROM IT. LOOK TO THINGS ILLUMINATED BY MOONLIGHT.

WHY RUN WHEN YOU CAN CRAWL? WHY FEAST WHEN YOU CAN EAT FOOD FROM YOUR POCKET ON A WOODED WALK? EAT THE MUSHROOM, THE POTATO, THE THINGS FROM THE GROUND. IF IT NEEDS FULL SUN TO GROW BE SUSPICIOUS.

PAPER AND INK, YES PAPER. HOLD IN YOUR HANDS, SMELL IT. SMELL THE INK. KISS IT AS A LOVER.

SURROUND YOUR BODY WITH THINGS THAT ONCE WERE ALIVE, NOT FROM OIL OR SCIENCE.

LET DARKNESS ROCK YOU TO SLEEP. LET THE SUN BRING YOU AWAKE. LET HUNGER BE YOUR GUIDE.

LIVE CLOSE TO THE EARTH, AND SOMETIMES WITHIN IT.

NOW GO.

from: 2021.02.01 mon