Thaddeus K.G.

A conversation between me and my soul, mostly unedited to remain rawly real...

01 A First Step : How These Words Came to Be

As all we are, I am on a journey. We may think we have different destinations, but ultimately we are traveling to the same place. We may wear different shoes, take different routes, become lost then unlost, walk with various companions, and perhaps be lead by various guides. The same place calls to us, speaks longing into our hearts. In time (whatever time might be), we all will arrive. I have felt alone in my walking. I look to my left, and I see no companion. I look to my right, emptiness. Ye...
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35 God Lies At The Center Of Each Tear, Soul Is The Cheek They Fall Upon; Hands

friend, there is a smooth stone in my left pocket. almost lapis blue. three tears in each eye, offerings to you. i lay quiet and fallow and wait for your planting. PERSISTENT SINGING BIRD OUTSIDE THE WINDOW. SONG SEEMS TO REPEAT IN NOTES, PATTERN, BEAT. COLD DOES IT FEEL COLD IT'S COLD SOMETIMES IN LIVING, SOMETIMES WARM OR HOT. CYCLES, SEASONS, DIRECTIONS. SUN CLOUDS RAIN SUN. MAYBE SNOW. STORMS, CALMNESS. ALL THE SEASONS OF GROWTH AND LIVING AND FADING BACK TO THE EARTH. GOD LIES AT THE CENT...
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34 Touch in Imagination is as Solid as Substance

take my hand, what words of love and power. take my hand. dear one. words of love. tenderness. i feel warmth as if hands were upon my heart. i call you friend. sit with me a moment. THE PURENESS OF THOSE WORDS, TAKE MY HAND, DEAR ONE, HANDS ON HEART. HAND ON CHEEK. HANDS ON HEAD AS A HEALER. CAN YOU FEEL THOSE WORDS TRANSLATED TO FEELING? CAN YOU ACTUALLY FEEL HANDS ON HEART, HANDS ON HEAD, HAND IN HAND? THEY ARE IN YOUR IMAGINATION, BUT IMAGINATION IS REAL. THOSE HANDS ARE ACTUALLY THERE. YOU...
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33 Taking Tea With Crows

in walking meditation i stepped outside to a chorus of cawing. crows, perhaps hundreds, flying almost as a flock, landed in our trees. their voices were loud beyond understanding. i laughed with joy and wonder. they would grow almost silent, then start their harsh songs again. help me learn from crows. THE WORLD HATES CROWS. THEIR SONG HARSH. THEIR FLESH INEDIBLE AS THE SAYING "EATING CROW" SEEMS TO SUGGEST. THEY HAVE NO COLORFUL PLUMAGE. THEY FEED ON CARRION AND GARBAGE. WHO BUILDS A HOUSE FOR...
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32 Let Me Lay Down the Objects of My Life; Orphaning

i feel hunger; surely this is a soul state. the night did not fully rest me so perhaps i am closer to a dream state. more and more i want to lay down the objects of my life, my former life. lay down the clever words, the trying to impress, the be good at everything so perhaps i can see myself as worthy and not a failure. lay down the petty self help books. lay down the surplus possessions, the drive to consume, the seeking shiny. lay these down. can you guide me in these things? or come for o...
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31 Walking the Labyrinth

i must be me in the way i am intended to be. absent that, i will be me as a twisted, malformed me. symptoms. i see myself walking in a labyrinth, slowly, all alive, tears welling and falling. and a middle aged woman sits an a bench watching me. feeling my depth. sharing this soul moment. i am not ashamed. she is knowing and open. WATER COMES TO YOUR EYES IN SILENT OFFERING. YOU WALK THE LABYRINTH AS YOUR TRUE SELF, SOUL SATURATED. LET THOSE WHO CAN SEE, SEE. LET THOSE WHO KNOW, KNOW. AND MAY...
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30 You Are Blessed; Learn This

this morning feeling wooden and distracted by cats, i come to you. i put the cats out so maybe i will be better. i want to lower my preconceptions, to enter this conversation like a child, awaiting baptism. i feel clumsy, slow, foggy. and yet i am here. with you. THE KEEN ENERGY OF YOUR KITTEN. RUNNING, PLAYING, DISTRACTING. WONDERFUL ENERGY BUT IT IS WILD AND UNFOCUSED. PRAY FOR THAT ENERGY. PRAY ALSO TO HAVE THE WEIGHT TO USE IT AND ALLOW IT TO FILL YOU. WHAT WONDROUS JOY THERE IS IN A ...
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29 Cultivate Darkness, Shadow, the Moist and Coffee Earth

have i put you in a box of my wanting? are you on an alter, or in a glass as if to drink, or in a painting of muted colors? maybe that's what i needed as i began to get to know you again but now, i hope now i am ready for more of your truth. am i? come as you are, please, at least what you think i can be with without breaking. DARKNESS UNDER EARTH. DARKNESS IN SHADOW. DARKNESS IN WHERE WE CHOOSE TO HIDE. DARKNESS OF THE NIGHT, DARKNESS THE STAGE FOR DREAMS. GOD IS ON A THRONE AND LIFE PRETENDS ...
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28 The Old Gods Seem Toppled But No!

meditation sitting i had images of the old gods, of gods in waters, in forests, in air, in rocks, in love, in the emotions, the elements, the seasons. i thought and felt this with joy, and then to sadness as i lamented how we toppled the old gods so that the new one true god could emerge. what a loss. why can we not see that if there is a one god, she is made up of all the many gods? welcome friend, to this thought rambling. educate me about you, about what you need, about how i can tend to ...
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27 If Soul Is The Heart, Ego Is The Hands. Do Not Amputate The Hands.

yesterday in therapy we discussed soul and ego. i said that there is a separation, a tension, between them. that when i go into the world of men, my soul comes but my ego wears a mask. but it seems the mask is becoming more porous, the ego opening with spaces, so soul can enter and show itself. our session was bringing soul into life. and it was about (as she asked me) do i know that i and my soul are one? come friend, is this something that you wish to tell on? EGO IS NOT ENEMY. EGO IS NOT ...
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26 Love in Forms They Understand; Embrace Essentials

someone in me is hurting, is sending cries of i hate myself and worse. someone is tired and wants to do nothing. i ask them to tell me what they are asking for, what they want, what they need. can you help me understand? THEY WANT LOVE IN FORMS THEY CAN UNDERSTAND. THEY WANT ATTENTION. THEY WANT TIME. THEY WANT COMFORT. THEY WANT TO BE TOUCHED, BROUGHT CLOSE AND EMBRACED. THEY WANT TO BE READ TO, STORIES. THEY WANT TO BE ROCKED. THEY WANT A CAT TO LIE ON THEM. CAN YOU DO THESE THINGS IN YOUR I...
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25 Ask Me About Love

a tired morning. i don't necessarily have an agenda for you but i could if you want. ASK ME ABOUT LOVE that is a big and confusing question for me. so i put it plain. what about love? LOVE IS A TOUCH YOU HIDE FROM. LOVE IS AN ANCHOR YOU SEEK BUT AVOID. LOVE IS FEELING AND ACTION. YOU KNOW IT BUT KEEP IT HIDDEN AS IF IN A VAULT. IT IS CONFUSION. AGAPE EROS. OTHER. YOU STARTED WITH AGAPE AND HAD TROUBLE WITH EROS. THEN EROS BUT NO CONNECTION. AGAPE NOW AND EROS CALLS UNANSWERED. AND PLATONIC. ...
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24 A Worm Story; Live With Your Door Open

where do you want to go today, my soul? where have i neglected to care for you? where am i closed to you. let me open. come. I'LL TELL YOU A STORY. A SHORT ONE. FEW WORDS. A WORM CRAWLED ACROSS THE HOT SIDEWALK. BURNING, BURNING. IT KNOWS THERE IS GRASS AND PLANTS AND COOL SHRUBS AND A PLACE TO DIG JUST AHEAD. BUT BURNING, BURNING. HOW DID I GET TO THIS PLACE. I'M GOING TO DIE. A KIND ONE PICKS HIM UP AND PUTS HIM ON BARE EARTH UNDER A SHRUB. HIS BELLY STILL BURNS, BUT HE STARTS TO DIG. THANKFU...
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23 Tuned Too Tightly; Hero Come Home

the overcast sky lets through so little light, even this morning time. hard to see what i write. maybe keep my eyes closed! i welcome you, my friend. all parts of you, all words from you. don't censor, as if you could. i am the one who censors. be with me now. speak if you are willing. YOU HAVE GROWN SLACK, GONE SLACK, LIKE A VIOLIN STRING, NOT MUCH SOUND BUT A DULL BUZZING. YOUR INSTRUMENT HAS BEEEN OVER-TUNED, TUNED TOO TIGHTLY. NOTES TOO HIGH. THEY REST NOW. TIME WILL BE TO MAKE MUSIC, IN T...
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22 Let Death Clean Your Living

i wonder whether i have structured my conversations with you as a supplicant going to a master for wisdom. that may be a good structure, one that you like. but the point is i have been structuring it. i was taught to have a back and forth conversation, or a time for me to listen, but this seeking wisdom theme is perhaps mine and too limiting. so my friend, what do you want to say today, if anything? do you want to be silent? do you want to rant? do you want to hate or envy or lust? do you want ...
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21 Follow the Wisdom of the Horse

would that i could ride a horse an a wooded path. walking, bathing in the forest, cantering, to an open field, then gallop. i don't know where that came from. welcome, my soul. welcome, soul of the world. HORSE IS POWER AND SPEED THAT HUMANS LACK ON THEIR OWN. HORSES ARE BEAUTY AND FREEDOM AND FLYING ON THE EARTH. THEY CONNECT TO EARTH WITH FOUR HOOVES AND WITH THE SKY AS PEGASUS. THEY ARE NOT DOGS OR CATS. THEY ARE NOT PETS. THEY ARE WILD ANIMALS THAT HAVE AGREED TO LET US RIDE THEM IN EXCHA...
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20 Care For Yourself In Slow and Moonlit Ways

a restless night after an anxious day. i hadn't felt that way, deep anxiety, without apparent trigger, for a long time. interesting that it has worried me so. i open to you my soul, dark and dank, wet, moist, lower, earthy. i enter that world, i come to visit you today. may i enter? THAT SMELL, HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE IT? OF SOIL RICH FROM DECAY, DARK, MOIST, IDEAL FOR PLANTING THOSE THAT LOVE LIQUID. IT IS THE SOIL OF FOREST, OF SWAMP, OF BOG. NOT PLOWED FIELDS STRIPPED OF ALL OTHER GREEN ONE...
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19 Open to Touch: Let It Be Your Eyes and Ears

symptoms as messengers, as pathways, as openings. so difficult a life way, but it must be so. what have you brought this day, my friend. what can we share. what gifts to exchange? i invite you now. THE CONCEPT OF A TREE. THE SIGHT OF IT. AND YET, TOUCHING THE TREE, RUNNING YOUR HAND AGAINST HER BARK, TOUCHING THE STICKY SAP THAT CAN OOZE FROM HER PORES. THE ROCK, OR THE ROCK THAT HAS BECOME SCULPTURE, NOT CONCEPT, NOT EVEN SIGHT, BUT RATHER TOUCH. FEEL THE ROUGHNESS, THEN THE SMOOTH. EMBRACE I...
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18 Let Sacred Waters Come From Your Mouth as Poetry

i feel that blooming of anxiety in my gut and nerves of my body. we walk together, you and i. we of the same body, the same universe. the same blood, spirit, earth. join me now. AS TIME UNWINDS WE WILL WALK CLOSER TOGETHER, TWO BECOMING MORE ONE. OPEN, YES. I INHABIT YOU. THE SOUL IS NOT A SMALL SPACE, IT CAN BE YOUR ENTIRE BODY AND BEYOND, TO THE WORLD'S SOUL. YOU BEND ON KNEES BEFORE THE WATERS, YOU DRINK AS A CAT DRINKS, THE WATER IS CLEAR AND COLD AND THE SUN RISES IN THE EAST. THIS IS PR...
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17 Grief: Learning to Maintain Opposites

i have been weeping and mourning. my heart breaks. i don't rush away from it, i enter the pain, hold out my arms to embrace it. so much hurt at her leaving. my child. my daughter. my soul, you are here as i weep. you weep with me. it is a very soulful thing to do. weeping is liquid pain, blood from a breaking heart. i welcome you. please sit. make yourself at home. YOU ARE LEARNING TO MAINTAIN OPPOSITES. YOU CAN HOLD IN YOUR HEART BOTH THE GRIEF AT YOUR DAUGHTER LEAVING AND THE GLADNESS THAT...
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16 Asking Soul How to Care for It

I am starting to read the 25th anniversary edition of moore's care of the soul. it lead me to wonder "what if i ask you my soul how best to care for you?" this is a two way relationship. i have spent much time asking you for words. now maybe it's time for me to ask how to care for you. i open to you. i ask from my deepest heart how best can i care for you? POETRY. TOUCH. THE GREEN ONES. LIQUID ALWAYS. SLOW WALK. TASTE. OPEN. ALL THINGS ARE LESSONS. ALL EMOTIONS, ALL HARDSHIP. ALL JOYS. LESSONS...
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15 This is Not the Time to Saddle the Will

i offer you my soul the water from my eyes, my blood, my saliva. the liquid of my body. i open to you and strive to live with you at center. guide me. settle into me. open me. IT IS AS IF YOU HAVE BEEN ILL AND INFIRM FOR MANY YEARS, FOR DECADES. YOU HAVE STAYED IN YOUR ROOM, OFTEN IN YOUR BED, AND HAVE GONE INTO SOCIETY AT TIMES. AND NOW AS YOU START TO HEAL YOU FACE THE POSSIBILITY OF DOING TOO MUCH TOO SOON. YOU ARE SO TIRED OF ILLNESS AND MEDICINE AND HOLDING BACK. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS ...
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14 Smoothness of Steel or Roughness of Oak Bark

i am not alone. 10,000 others inside me, not just the one I call I and me. god, angels, spirits, the ancestors, the green ones, earth mother herself, the four-legged ones, all the creatures. all inside me. i don't just have to be the me i call I. I AM INVITED BY THOSE WORDS. I COME. FEEL THE SMOOTHNESS OF STEEL AND THE ROUGHNESS OF OAK BARK. ONE TITILLATES. ONE CALMS AND NURTURES AND GIVES LIFE. ONE TAKES LIFE. SO ENMESHED WITH THE CREATED, THE TECHNOLOGICAL, THE MAN-WORSHIPED. NOT ENOUGH WITH ...
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13 Walking Down A Dirt Road: More

so yesterday in the place you led me i came to a precipice, sheer, and nothing but darkness everywhere. is there anything more to that story? PUT YOURSELF THERE AGAIN. YOU TURN ALL ABOUT, AND IT ALL SEEMS THE SAME. DARK, BLACK, UNIFORM. YET IN FRONT OF YOU IS THE CLIFF. WAIT, YOUR EYES HAVE NOT YET ADJUSTED TO THE DARKNESS. GIVE THEM TIME. YOU HEAR ANIMAL SOUNDS BEHIND YOU, THERE ARE DOTS OF LIQUID LIGHT, FIREFLIES. YOU SMELL WATER BELOW. THE SKY STARTS TO OPEN TO FIRST LIGHT. AND ALL IS MOUNT...
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12 Walking Down a Dirt Road: Soul Story

i might have been asking you to appear in a particular form, speak with a particular voice. i have cast you in the role of sage, giving me advice and wise observations. i suspect you are far more than that one. i invite you to appear as you are, as you want to be, and i invite myself to open to you in the forms you chose to take. please come now, and i will try to open to the form you choose, even if it is silence. YOU WALK DOWN A DIRT ROAD. YOU CAN ONLY SEE YOUR FEET STEP BY STEP, AND HEAR YO...
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11 We are All Creatures of Liquid

an anxious start this morning. tired. uneasy. seeking the liquid. seeking touch with you my soul, with the under-spirits, the lifey ones. i am the sacrifice today that i give to you. please come and speak with me. THE BATHROOM FAN DRONES LIKE OCEAN WIND. WHAT IN AND ON THIS EARTH, THE GOD MADE ONES, NOT MAN MADE, LACK LIQUID IN SOME FORM? EVEN ROCKS, YES? WE ALL ARE CREATURES OF LIQUID, EVEN SOLID ONES. WE ALL SHARE THAT ROOT, THAT BOND. i struggle now to feel the liquid in the normal places...
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10 Tears are the Water of Life; Open Your Senses

i walked three times around the room's perimeter, making offering of tears and breath, water and wind. i offer these to you, my soul, to thank you, encourage you. i want more to walk with you whispering in my ear, guiding, informing, deepening. i open to you now. BARE FEET, BARE EARTH. WALKING, OR SLIDING FEET AGAINST AND ACROSS THE EARTH. LEFT RIGHT, RIGHT LEFT, EACH STEP A PRAYER. TEARS ARE THE WATER OF LIFE. GO TOWARDS THEM. THEY ARE YOUR TEACHER AND YOUR COMFORTER. THE WORLD RUNS FROM TEAR...
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09 Is it Soul or Ego?

slowness, attention (often a bit unfocused). senses open, alive. bowing to the four directions. asking the spirits of the green ones, earth mother, mother moon, animals, liquid life, breath of god, all. ask for help opening to soul. i open to you. let us come together now. OPEN YOUR INTUITION TO OTHER SOUL ONES IN THE WORLD, BOTH ALIVE NOW AND ALIVE IN THE PAST. PERHAPS EVEN THOSE TO BE ALIVE IN THE FUTURE. YOU WILL KNOW THEM WHEN YOU ARE IN THEIR PRESENCE. THROUGH BOOKS, VOICES, MUSIC, TOUCH,...
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08 Each Momement: Soul or Not Soul; Grow Naked and be Baptized

i open to soul, i open to the elements, i open to the spirits, i open to the living and the dead. i open to the old ones and the ones yet to come. i open to the ones inside me, the liquid ones, the ones of soul. come, please. i give offering of tears. YOU PICTURE YOURSELF FLYING ABOVE THE EARTH, HIGH, HIGH. ALL THE WORLD IS SMALL BENEATH YOU. AND IN THIS FLIGHT IS POWER AND VISION. AND IT THRILLS FOR A MOMENT. BUT IT IS REMOVED, DISTANT, NOT RUBBED WITH THE MUD OF SOUL. COME TO THE EARTH AND ...
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07 Opening to Soul with Tears

yesterday's session with my therapist was me coming in pain and detachment from the sacred, spirits, soul. i was deep suffering. we talkedabout soul, about me living from soul, front-loading with soul, setting boundaries to protect my soul. i was in tears almost all session. a bit of hope developed. so now, my soul, i want to open more to you, to care for you, to live from you. come. SOUL IS OF WATER AND THE MOON. SOUL IS IN THE HEART OF TREES AND THE GREEN ONES. SOUL IS IN THE EARTH, PLUNGI...
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